Noah wasn't there. She released a sigh. It was nice to be alone; if there weren't girls in the apartment, it was full of stinky football players. The parade of different girls Noah brought in every week was amusing, but she liked it when the players camped out in the den for hours. They played video games and talked about girls and football. It gave her insight into a world that was foreign to her. She'd never been around boys like that before. They basically ignored her because that's how Noah treated her. Emery thought that was best for everyone involved anyway and it allowed them to talk like she wasn't there.

She sat on her bed, reading the instructions on the hair dye. Her laughter filled the silent room. Her mother would die if she knew that she was using boxed hair dye, brown at that, to cover the golden tresses her mother had always adored.

She watched herself in the mirror as she applied the color and realized that she could do this. Emily could be anyone she wanted to be. She would have short brown hair and an obnoxious laugh.

While she waited for the color to set, she googled "Emery Shaw." Several articles popped up.

Missing Teen Deemed Runaway Mother of Missing Teen Refuses to Give Up Search for Missing Teen Hits Dead End Well, this wasn't good. Her school picture from last year was all over the internet. She looked toward Noah's room and wondered if he'd seen any of this. She guessed it was a good thing she was changing her looks. No one would be looking for Emily Sanders.

It was only when the timer went off signaling she could wash the dye out of her hair that she tore her eyes from the articles. Then she attempted to carefully remove her shirt without getting any of the color on it.

"Damn it," she cursed as she looked at the smears of brown dye on her yellow shirt. She managed to get the rest of her clothes off without incident and got in the shower, making sure to scrub her forehead so any dye she'd gotten on there would be gone.

Her new reflection stared out of the mirror when she stepped out of the shower. She was shocked at the difference hair color could make. Her blue eyes popped from her face. She flipped her head over and blew dry her hair to see the damage.

Hello, Emily, your hair is a little heinous. Her long hair was darker, but nowhere near the deep brunette on the cover of the box, so she googled hair salons and made an appointment for color and cut to correct what she'd just done.

Step one of Emily was sort of complete. She dressed and was in the kitchen making herself dinner when Noah and a few of his teammates came in with boxes of pizza.

"Hey, Em," Noah greeted, walking in with pizza and not even looking up. He put the box on the kitchen table. "You want some pizza?" His eyes met hers and he cocked his head to the side. "What the fuck happened to your hair?"

She shrugged. "I dyed it."

He walked in the kitchen and stood uncomfortably close to her. Taking a piece of her hair between his fingers, he lifted it and examined it. His fingers grazed right under the clasp of her bra. "Why?"

"I don't know, something new, I guess." She took a piece of pizza out of the box and took a bite while standing at the counter.

"Your hair was hot the other way!" Jake called from the table, his mouth full of pizza.

Emery smiled. "Thanks, Jake, I'll remember that."

"I'm just saying." He shrugged and kept eating.

"I think it brings out the blue in your eyes," Noah commented, his voice low. He dropped her hair and walked over to the table. "Come, Em, sit. We got plenty; I put beer in the fridge too."

Emery walked over to fridge, grabbed herself two beers, and took her slice of pizza to the table where the three guys sat stuffing their faces. She smiled. "Thanks."

She was silent as they talked about practice and the first game coming up soon. Emily liked pizza and football players, even though they were boring as shit. After a few hours and too many beers, she was thoroughly drunk. She stood up and gave the guys a wave before turning for her bedroom.

"She's single, right?" she heard Meat ask.

"No," Noah answered gruffly.

Emery didn't think about his answer, but shut her door and locked it. Emily could lock her door. She fell into bed and didn't dream of anything.

Several weeks had passed since Rachel dropped off that first payoff. Emery was working on her computer, applying to online colleges. She heard the front door slam and burst out of her seat.

The football season had started and from what Noah told her and what the other players were saying, he was doing really well. Noah was a sophomore and meeting with some NFL people today. He was extremely nervous. His dad had come up just for the meeting. They'd had dinner last night, but Emery had refused Noah's offer to eat with them. She just didn't feel comfortable. The less people that met her the better.

"How'd it go?" she yelled before she even turned the corner into the den and saw him.

Emily and Noah had become closer, friends even. Emery was jealous because Noah seemed to really like Emily. Emery was getting really good at doing what Emily would do, but Emery was hidden. She'd put her away in a little box in her brain, all of her normal fears and behaviors tucked away where no one could find them...except one. She still kept her paper in her Bible, hidden in her suitcase in her closet under one of her old long-sleeved shirts. One side of the paper evidenced all the times she'd been violated in the most perverse way imaginable. But she'd started a new count on the other side of the paper. She started drawing a line for each day she was away from Phil.

As soon as she rounded the corner and stepped into the den, she realized Noah wasn't alone. "Oh, sorry. I just..." She was getting used to all the different girls. There were even several girls that he used on a regular basis. Emery had learned quickly when she needed her earbuds.

Noah's face brightened when he saw Emery. "Em, this is Vanessa. Vanessa is my tutor, because I'm not as smart as I should be."

Vanessa was petite and pretty, perfect for Noah, with long reddish-brown hair. It was beautiful and it made Emery ache for her real hair, her long hair. She'd finally gotten it cut and recolored a deep brown. It made her feel like Emily but the length had taken a lot of getting used to. She'd also bought a ton of new clothes after Rachel delivered the first ten grand from Phil.

Emery walked up to her and shook her hand. "Hi."

"Hi," Vanessa said and looked at Noah with such longing it broke Emery's heart. He didn't seem to want to be with any one person, but with whomever could keep his bed warm at night. One seemed as good as any other.

"Noah, I'm going to head back to my room, but I just wanted to make sure everything went okay."

He nodded and pulled the pitcher of tea out of the fridge. "We'll talk later."

"Okay. It was so nice to meet you, Vanessa. I'm assuming you'll be around a good bit this year with all of Noah's economics classes."

"We'll see," Vanessa said, her eyes widening in surprise that Emery knew Noah's schedule. "It was nice to meet you too...Em?"

"Oh, it's Emily, sorry." Noah walked their glasses over to the table next to the kitchen and let his backpack drop off his shoulder. Then he looked up to give Emery another bright smile.

Emery went into her room and put her earbuds in, grabbing her book and sinking into the world of a girl who loved hard and enjoyed sex. She'd been reading a good bit of really messed up stories, but she'd stumbled into a couple that ended up with a happy ending. She'd found she sort of dug that; it gave her solace that maybe things would be okay. That she'd be okay.

Lost in the world of hunger, sex, and despair, she felt the bed depress behind her. Her heart flew out of her throat and she couldn't control her scream as she jumped from the bed.

Noah sprang from the bed and stood there, stunned at her reaction.

Emery's earbuds fell out during the display of terror. They stood staring at each other, each one's chest heaving as if they'd run a marathon.

Noah broke the tension first. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I called your name a bunch..."

"No, I'm sorry. I didn't hear you and my earbuds were in and I was lost in..." Emery raised her hand to her chest to try to calm her racing heart. "I don't know."

"Are you okay?" Noah asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"I guess. You just scared me." Emery lowered herself to the bed, but very far from Noah. "Sorry."

He put his palm over her right hand, which was pressed into the bed. Emery pulled it quickly out from under his and ran into the bathroom. She shut the bathroom door after her and locked it. His touch scared her, even though she was sure Emily wouldn't have done that. She couldn't help it. Emery slid down the door and wrapped her arms around her knees.

CHAPTER TEN.

Don't Break Anything

Emery, Rachel, and Noah were sitting at Jack's, a BBQ restaurant on Music Row in downtown Nashville. It was a Sunday and they'd been relaxing all day since Noah was tired from his game the day before. It was October and Rachel was on her fall break from school; she planned to spend all week with Emery.

"So Noah, you never told me what happened with the scout?" Rachel asked, her mouth full.

"It went fine. They want me to do the combine this year. I just think it's too early." Noah leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms.

"They want you to leave school?"

"I mean, it was just one person's opinion. My dad and I talked and I'm going to stay in college. I'm actually thinking I'll play the fifth season they allow."

Emery didn't realize he'd decided he wanted to stay longer.

"Hmm," Rachel murmured. "My cousin the NFL star."

"No, I'm pretty sure it would be your cousin the sideline performer for the NFL."

"Well that's still pretty awesome, right?" Rachel looked from Emery to Noah.

Emery shrugged. She thought it was great, but Noah was competitive and didn't want to be in a league where he wasn't the best. He didn't think he'd do well.

Noah excused himself to the bathroom and Rachel glared at her.

"What?" Emery asked.

Rachel had just gotten in with another ten grand from Phil. "What did you do to Noah?"

"What do you mean?" Emery thought Rachel was talking about the NFL conversation. She was baffled.

"He's devastated that he scared you. What happened?"

Emery shook her head and stared at her Coke. "I just freaked out a little bit a few weeks ago. He's been walking around me like I'm going to break since then."

"Are you?" Rachel asked, picking at her ribs.

"What?" Emery looked to where Noah disappeared.

"Are you going to break?"

Emery snapped her eyes to Rachel. "No, Rach. I'm not going to break. He just did something that triggered memories for me." Her voice was harsh. If she was going to break, she would have done it by now.

"You can't break, you know. I won't allow it." Rachel pointed at Emery with her rib.

"Oh," Emery giggled in spite of her annoyance, "you won't allow it?"

"Nope. We're going through this. Me and you." She moved the rib bone in Emery's direction to emphasize her point.

"I know. Me and you," Emery repeated. "Hey, have you talked to Ashley recently?"

"Yes." Rachel straightened up in her seat and pulled out a note. "She told me to give this to you."

Emery took the note from Rachel's hand. "She just gave this to you?"

"Well, no..." Rachel looked around to see if Noah was headed back yet. "I gave her the bracelet you told me to and told her that I knew where you were, but that she had to keep it a secret. She asked me what your middle name was... She's smart, by the way." Rachel reached in her purse carefully due to the fact that she still had barbeque sauce all over her hands. She brought out Emery's bracelet, the pink and teal one that Ashley had made for her.

Emery took it from her and put it on her wrist, fighting to keep the tears at bay. Then she leaned in closer to Rachel, absorbing everything about her sister.

"After a few minutes of talking, she wrote that for you in her notebook," Rachel finished. "What's it say?"

"What, you didn't read it?"

"Of course not!" Rachel exclaimed, scandalized. "It's for you."

Emery looked down at the paper and tears threatened to form just seeing her sister's words.

"What's it say?" Rachel asked again.

"She says she hopes I'm happy and that she loves me."

"Ugh, she's amazing," Rachel said before ripping more meat from her rib.

"I bet you pick up a lot of men that way, Rach." Noah laughed as he sat back down. His leg grazed Emery's and she fought everything in her being not to move her leg from his.

Emily Sanders wouldn't move her leg, so she didn't move her leg, even though his leg hair tickled and he looked at her with an expression she didn't understand.

Saturday night, she and Rachel sat in the stands at the very top of one of the end zones. Emery squinted against the retreating sun. There wasn't a cloud in the azure sky. She shielded her eyes, trying to see Noah on the field. The sun was just dropping and it was directly in their line of sight; they could hardly see anything.

"I wish I would've worn my sunglasses," Emery whined.

A hiccup escaped Rachel's lips and Emery burst out laughing.

"It's not funny, bitch," Rachel slurred. She'd been drinking at the tailgate with some of Noah's friends all morning.

"It really is." Emery laughed again. She was the designated driver until after the football game, but part of her was regretting the decision to be responsible.

Rachel reared back and punched Emery in the shoulder, making her drop all of her popcorn on the person in front of them.

"Oh shit," Rachel murmured.

"I'm so sorry," Emery quickly apologized.