"Okay. I understand."

"Oh, I got another payment to give you too."

"Okay," Emery responded, trying not to fall into that dark place where she would drown if she wasn't careful. She was done letting him ruin her birthdays.

"Happy eighteenth slash twentieth birthday," Rachel sang cheerily. "I love you, Em."

"I love you more." Emery smiled and disconnected the phone. She fell onto her chair, waiting for the ding of her phone indicating that Rachel sent her a video. As soon as she heard it, she scrambled to press play.

Her sister's golden hair and eyes the color of a cloudless sky appeared immediately. Her smile was animated before she started speaking. "Emery, it was amazing to see your face! You can't believe how it's been since you've been gone. Mom slept in your bed for the whole first year. I'd hear her cry herself to sleep in your room. She's been, like, crazy since then."

Emery shielded her eyes so she could see the screen in the sun.

"Tell her something good, shit," Rachel's voice said from behind the camera.

Emery smiled, but wiped a stray tear that trickled down her cheek.

"Oh, you're right, Coach is a hardass." Her face lit up when she said "ass" and Emery giggled. "But I'm loving it. I'm pretty good too. I wish you could see. I'm almost as good as you were." She looked to the right of the camera, then back into the lens. "Okay, I love you and miss you like crazy."

The screen went black and she hit play again and again. She hadn't seen her face in 667 days. When the screen cut off after the fifth time, she simply stared at it. Her stomach growled and she checked the time to see if it was time for lunch.

She left everything on the chair, knowing she'd be right back, and walked over to the condo. It was freeing to walk somewhere without feeling like she needed to cover up. Emery wasn't quite sure when the change in her happened, but she'd grown okay with Noah seeing her scars. When she opened the door, she was assaulted by the smell of canned tuna. Noah was in the kitchen making lunch.

"Ugh, that smells horrible," Emery said, walking in the kitchen in her bathing suit and flip flops.

Noah's eyes darkened as he took her in. He put down his fork and stalked over to her, unceremoniously pulling her bathing suit top down and wrapping his mouth around her nipple.

A gasp escaped her lips and her hands drifted to his head as hers leaned back against the wall. He was very cautious with her, always, which allowed her to feel safe with him. It was eye opening to know what someone could make her body feel even though her mind felt nothing.

Phil had almost killed everything, but her body responded to Noah and he made her feel cherished and safe. Those were both feelings she'd never felt, or if she did, she didn't remember it.

"Wow, that bathing suit would look awesome on the floor," Noah breathed into her ear.

"You just got tuna breath all over me." Emery giggled, pulled up her top, and allowed him to nibble at her neck. Then she moved to the fridge and grabbed some carrot sticks. "Why in the world are you eating tuna?"

"Getting in shape for the season. It's my last one, you know."

"In April?" Emery cocked her head to the side in disbelief.

Noah blew his gut out and then patted it. "Too many beers lately." He laughed.

She shook her head. Noah didn't have to eat tuna to get in shape, but most of the time he was conscious about everything he put in his body.

Emery popped a carrot stick in her mouth. "So what's your plan after you graduate?"

"My plan is to make you take your swimsuit off."

Emery giggled and batted his hand away from her. "After graduation?"

"Funny thing is, I don't want to think about anything except you, without clothes."

"Noah!" she squealed as he pulled her bottoms down and ran a finger across her abdomen.

Her body shuddered in anticipation.

"Emily," he said.

She sighed; him calling her that always made her sad. Her wish that he would really know her and want his mouth on her drifted into the air and disappeared without being granted. It simply wasn't her reality. What they were doing wasn't reality, just like the romance book she had started reading.

"You're hot and sweaty...and did I say hot?" he commented as his hands traveled over her body. He ran his tongue up her neck. "And salty."

"Well, it is hot outside," she murmured as his tongue found her nipple again.

He turned her around and pushed her toward the wall. Time stopped and she froze. Confused, she braced her hands against the wall. His chest was against her back in a heartbeat, then his fingers entered her and all of the walls caved in on her. Emery left the cozy condo and was back in Atlanta with Phil. She used every ounce of strength she had and pushed off the wall, causing Noah to fall on his ass on the kitchen floor.

Sobs racked her chest and she ran to her room and locked her door, then went to her bathroom and locked it. She sank to the floor, pulled her knees up to her chest, laid her head on her knees, and began counting. She grabbed the towel from the rack to cover herself. Her eyes snapped open when she heard pounding on her door.

"EMILY!" Noah yelled from the hall.

She looked up at the ceiling and knew she couldn't face him. She couldn't face her ghosts, how was she going to face him?

"Emily, if you don't let me in right now I'm knocking this door down."

Emery stayed where she was, now curled in a ball on the floor in the bathroom. She knew Noah wouldn't break the door down.

"Emily!" Noah pounded on the door and then she heard a splintering sound. "Emily!" He looked around, frantic for her, and saw the bathroom door closed too. He walked over to the door and put his palm on it. "Emily, open the door, please."

"I can't!" she yelled at him.

"Baby, you can. I know you can. You're so strong." His words were melodic, meant to soothe.

"Noah, just go away," she cried, trying to ward off hysteria. He didn't know her, and she wasn't strong. She was a coward.

"Not happening," he responded shortly.

"I can't talk to you right now. Let me cool off."

"No, Em." Noah leaned against the door with his body. "Do you want me to break this door too?"

Emery sighed. She guessed he would break the bathroom door down too. Slowly, she reached up and unlocked the door, then shrank back into herself.

"Emily." The sound escaped his lips as he squatted down next to where she was bunched herself up against the wall. He slid down the wall and sat next to her. "What happened?" His eyes were full of pain. He didn't touch her.

"Noah, I..." Emery didn't know what to say. The truth was right on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn't tell him.

"It's okay. It's just me," he said, trying to calm her. Laying his hand on her leg gently, he squeezed it, his touch soft.

She looked over at the door. "Your parents are going to kill you," she said, attempting to change the subject.

"Whatever. They won't even know."

She uncurled from the fetal position and closed her eyes for a beat.

"I'm so sorry, Em. I will never do that again," Noah started. "I'm not sure what I did, but I won't do it again."

"No, I'm sorry. This is why..." She stopped herself from talking, because right now she wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to tell him why they wouldn't work, why he didn't even know her, and how she would never be normal because something would always set her off.

"You need to tell me what to do."

"What do you mean?"

"Tell me how to make this better," Noah urged.

"This is what will never be better, Noah," she whispered. "That's why I should've stayed away from you."

Silence covered them both.

After a few seconds, Noah tucked her hair behind her ear. "This is why I should make sure I tell you what I'm going to do. Like now, I'm going to kiss you."

Her eyes were drawn to his as he tenderly kissed her.

"Now I'm going to run my tongue down your jaw line and then to your ear. Is that okay?"

She nodded.

When he got her to ear, he paused. "I'm going to suck your earlobe."

She didn't say anything, but he waited. Emery nodded. Heat enveloped her ear and her panic started to wane. He took both of her hands and helped her up.

"I'm going to take your bathing suit off," he whispered, his lips brushing her ear as he spoke calmly to her.

"Noah," she protested, not sure she was ready for that.

"Say it's okay, Em," he pleaded.

They stared at each other.

Silence.

"Say it's okay," he whispered as he leaned in, his lips a fraction of an inch from her mouth. When she stayed silent, he moved his head back to her ear. "Ear," he said and then pulled her earlobe with his teeth and she couldn't help her body's reaction; her head fell backward.

"Okay," she moaned in acquiescence.

He had her bikini top and bottoms off in seconds and threw both pieces against the wall. "I'm going to pick you up now."

"Okay," she agreed.

His strong arms swooped her up and he carried her to the bed, laying her gently down on her back. "I'm going to kiss your thighs," he said, his voice growing husky.

Her breaths came rapidly in anticipation. He waited. "Oh...okay," she finally agreed.

His hands gently pushed her thighs apart and he kissed close to her knee on the inside of her right thigh. She sighed and relaxed, her legs falling apart. He used his hands to mark where he would kiss next, each time getting closer to her bikini line. When he grazed his fingers down, she moaned and arched her back in response.

"Okay?" he asked.

"Please," she moaned.

"I don't know how long I can do this and not have you, Emily," he said, his voice rough with exertion.

Trepidation made her body rigid and Noah sensed the change in her. "You will love every second of it, because if you don't, I'll stop. Just like this." His head dipped down again and she exhaled loudly. "I want to make you forget what just happened, Em. Can I do that?"

"Please," she implored.

And he did.

CHAPTER NINETEEN.

Come to Light

From: Romona Hicks

To: Rachel Helms

There still is no need for the preventative measures I've taken, but thank you. I cannot believe you're graduating and going to college. I'm so excited for you. Cannot wait to see you.

From: Rachel Helms