For example, at the Humanist Community Sunday School in Palo Alto, we had kids take their shoes off for two reasons: It was a noncoercive but effective way to keep kids from running around and hurting themselves during quiet times, and it incorporated a habit familiar to the many Asian American kids in the group. Of course, once you set up the framework, you will have to sustain it."

The same is true for families.

Freethinking parents generally hope to raise kids who are independent thinkers. They often remark, "Sure, I want to raise my kids to be moral. But I don't want to brainwash them." But not all teaching is brainwashing, and teaching is exactly what kids need from their parents. Home is where they learn important skills and att.i.tudes-from language to self-care and social skills- well before the first day of school. Just remember, education (providing leadership for your kids as they learn life skills) is different from indoctrination (pouring ideas into their heads without inviting critical examination).

Extensive research has confirmed that parenting styles strongly affect children's ethical development. Authoritative (as opposed to authoritar ian ian) parenting, which combines responsiveness with high and clearly expressed expectations, is most successful. 1 1 33.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Researchers have found "a consistent picture of childrearing effects . . . [P]arents "Children's understanding of morality is the same whether who tend to be harshly and arbitrarily au- they're of one religion, another thoritarian or power-a.s.sertive . . . are less religion or no religion. But if it's likely to be successful than those who place simply indoctrination, it's worse substantial emphasis on induction or rea- than doing nothing. It interferes soning, presumably in an attempt to be with moral development.

responsive to and understanding of their child's point of view." 2 2 -Larry Nucci, Offic "

director, An especially powerful example of the e for Studies influence of parenting style on moral devel- in Moral Development, opment is found in the book The Altruistic The Altruistic University of Illinois Personality by researchers Samuel and Pearl by researchers Samuel and Pearl Oliner. The Oliners conducted over 700 interviews with survivors of n.a.z.i- occupied Europe-both "rescuers" (those who actively rescued victims of n.a.z.i persecution) and "non-rescuers" (those who were either pa.s.sive in the face of the persecution or actively involved in it). The study revealed profound differences in the upbringing of the two groups-in both the language and practices that parents used to teach their values.

It likely comes as no surprise that the morality of adults reflects their moral education as children. What may surprise some, given traditional beliefs about moral education, is which kind of moral education leads to which result.

Non-rescuers were twenty-one times more likely than rescuers to have grown up in families that emphasized obedience obedience-being given rules that were to be followed without question-while rescuers were over three times more likely than non-rescuers to identify "reasoning" as an element of their moral education. "Explained," "Explained," the authors note, "is the word most rescuers favored" the authors note, "is the word most rescuers favored"

in describing their parents' way of communicating rules and ethical concepts. 3 3 Both the Oliners' results and the central role children play in their own moral development are underlined by cross-cultural research from the Office for Studies in Moral Development at the University of Illinois, Chicago. Children in cultures around the world tend to reach certain landmarks in moral development reliably and on time, according to lead researcher Larry Nucci, regardless of what their parents do or don't do. "Children's understanding of morality is the same whether they're of one religion, another religion or no religion," says Nucci.

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There is just one major exception, one way in which parents can actually impede their children's moral growth: "If it's simply indoctrination," he says, their children's moral growth: "If it's simply indoctrination," he says, "it's worse than doing nothing. It interferes with moral development." 4 4 The one practice conservative religious thought insists is vitally impor- tant in moral education-teaching unquestioning obedience to "absolute"

rules-turns out to be the single least productive thing we can do for our children's moral development.

Instead, the best thing we can do is to encourage our kids to actively en- gage in their own moral development-asking questions, challenging the an- swers they are given, and working hard to understand the reasons reasons to be good. to be good.

Marvin Berkowitz, professor of character education at the University of Missouri, puts it just that clearly: "The most useful form of character education encourages children to think for themselves." 5 5 The "authoritative" parenting style that relies on warmth and explanation has been shown to be successful in raising ethical children. What could be more compatible with a family culture based on humanistic principles of love and reason?

Questions and Answers Q: What are humanist ethics?

A: Humanist ethics are founded on two overarching principles: reason and compa.s.sion. Parents need to create a list of values that will guide their families'

everyday lives and help their children grow into ethical people. For example, we teach our children to take turns because we value fairness (not because "it's a rule"). You can teach values most effectively if you have put them into your own words and decided for yourself which are more important.

Begin with universal values. After intensively researching values prized by societies around the world, the Inst.i.tute for Global Ethics distilled this list of essential human values: * Honesty * Respect * Responsibility * Fairness * Compa.s.sion6 There are questions you can ask about the list that will help you to add specifically humanist principles. For example: Is respect reserved for those in 35 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief authority, or given to all members of a family or society? Does "honesty" include intellectual honesty? 7 7 These excerpts from the "Core Values" of the Ethical Society of St. Louis Sunday School8 exemplify humanist thinking: exemplify humanist thinking: * Every person is important and unique.

* I can learn from everyone.

* I am part of this earth.

* I learn from the world around me by using senses, mind, and feelings.

* I am a member of the world community.

* I am free to question.

* I am free to choose what I believe.

* I accept responsibility for my choices and actions.

Contrast "I am free to choose what I believe" and "I am free to question"

with the idea that heresy is a sin. You might choose to reword some values, or add others, like "humility" or "skepticism and independent thinking." One family might emphasize sustainable living, while another stresses social activism. The result will be an ethical vision tailored to your your family, framed in widely shared humanist ethics but informed and energized by your own individuality-a set of "family values" that gives that phrase genuine, personal meaning. It will be a vision that can subtly change over the years as you and your children learn and grow together. family, framed in widely shared humanist ethics but informed and energized by your own individuality-a set of "family values" that gives that phrase genuine, personal meaning. It will be a vision that can subtly change over the years as you and your children learn and grow together.

An important reminder: Ethics aren't only about how we treat other peo- ple, but also about how we treat ourselves. Support your kids' self-respect and help them feel that zest and enjoyment are the best approach to the only life we've got.

Q: I grew up with fairly black-and-white ideas about morality. It's even worse for my friends who grew up in churches where everything was framed in terms of being like Jesus and avoiding Satan's influence. Can you give me a better understanding of how moral development works-something to replace the black- and-white thinking?

A: There certainly is a better answer. You can work with your child's inborn ability to develop into a moral person. Much depends on the stage she has reached in her moral development. One of the most useful moral develop- ment frameworks for parents is Lawrence Kohlberg's six-stage model. 9 9 Fear of punishment is the first stage, followed by hope of reward. Children younger than age 2 are rarely able to apply moral reasoning beyond these incentives. Fear of punishment is the first stage, followed by hope of reward. Children younger than age 2 are rarely able to apply moral reasoning beyond these incentives.

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Most children soon move into the third stage: seeking social approval and avoiding disapproval, especially from their parents. That's why the typical kindergartener is so devastated when Mom's upset about something he did.

The fourth stage is recognition of the value of laws or rules. The tattling second grader and the finger-pointing fourth grader are deep in the stage where rules are followed because because they are rules. Many adults never get past this level to stage five, the "social contract" level, in which laws or rules are still seen as desirable, but it is understood that they have been created by consensus, and that they may change as the consensus changes. they are rules. Many adults never get past this level to stage five, the "social contract" level, in which laws or rules are still seen as desirable, but it is understood that they have been created by consensus, and that they may change as the consensus changes.

The sixth level of moral development is reached when a person thinks in terms of universal ethical principles-that is, ethical principles that transcend a single social or cultural framework-and is sometimes even willing to defend such principles at the risk of punishment, disapproval, or even death.

Keep three things in mind when thinking about these stages. First, moral reasoning is developing at the same time as other types of knowledge and reasoning. One study found that until some time between ages 3 and 5, children don't understand that another person can hold beliefs the child knows are un-true. 10 10 Until they reach that point, children don't fully realize that it is possible for someone to lie to them. Until they reach that point, children don't fully realize that it is possible for someone to lie to them.

Second, children are simultaneously developing their abilities to perceive the feelings of other people and to care about those feelings. The same 2-year-old who tries to comfort a crying friend may do something that makes that same friend cry 10 minutes later.

Finally, the stages are fluid and open to influence. We want to encourage our children's growth to the next moral stage, but at any stage, a person may act according to different levels of moral reasoning. For example, someone who often acts on principle will choose at other times to act according to what others will think. The rule-follower may still respond to punishments and rewards, and the sophisticated fifth-level teenager may still feel a twinge of guilt when a parent disapproves of her moral choice, even though it's not the potent factor it once was.

Q: What discipline methods are most appropriate to humanist ethics?

A: "Discipline" can mean "a way to get obedience" or "a method of teaching."

This distinction is important: Your method of discipline sends powerful messages about how to act. In the rush and routine of daily life, we can forget that everything everything we do teaches values. Saying "Remember to take out the trash," for 37 we do teaches values. Saying "Remember to take out the trash," for 37 Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief example, is a reminder to take responsibility and that every family member has an important role to play.

The "five Es" of humanist discipline are the following: E xample xample. Model behavior you want to encourage. Hearing you say Model behavior you want to encourage. Hearing you say "Thanks" one time is more effective than hearing a dozen reminders to thank somebody else. With young children or new activities, setting an example teaches more than giving orders. Set the table together to show how it's done; later, kids can share tasks or take turns. For ex- ample, at breakfast, one kid sets the table, one makes toast, and so on.

E xplanation xplanation. Explanation teaches your kids to expect reasons for rules, instead of merely obeying authority. In time, they will start offering Explanation teaches your kids to expect reasons for rules, instead of merely obeying authority. In time, they will start offering reasons for their own actions. When there isn't time to explain, prom- ise to explain later; keeping the promise builds trust and underscores the value of having a reason for what one does. Start early: An expla- nation can be as simple as, "No-hot!"

E ncouragement. ncouragement. This is different from praise. This is different from praise. Praise Praise emphasizes what emphasizes what you you want from your child and can even discourage the praiseworthy behavior. Encouragement acknowledges want from your child and can even discourage the praiseworthy behavior. Encouragement acknowledges your child's your child's goals and efforts. goals and efforts.

Praise is often a global evaluation; encouragement is specific. 11 11 Contrast, "What a great athlete you are! I am so proud!" with, "Wow, ten Contrast, "What a great athlete you are! I am so proud!" with, "Wow, ten laps! All that practicing you've done really shows." Among other prob- lems, the first statement could make your child wonder, "Will she still be proud of me if I have an off day?" The second remark supports the effort that was made, and that won't change.

E mpathy. mpathy. Empathy takes into account your child's feelings Empathy takes into account your child's feelings and and thinking, including what can be expected at their age. For example, when my thinking, including what can be expected at their age. For example, when my 3-year-old broke a ceramic doll, it was from ignorance, not careless- ness. She thought it was metal. When a 10-year-old shouts, "You're mean!" when reminded to do a ch.o.r.e, avoid a war of words by ac- knowledging his emotions: "Sounds like you're frustrated that this needs to be done when you're almost finished with your drawing."

E ngagement ngagement. Involve your kids in family decisions, from what to do for fun this weekend to figuring out the consequences for misbehavior. Involve your kids in family decisions, from what to do for fun this weekend to figuring out the consequences for misbehavior.

They will learn negotiating and decision-making skills and have more respect for decisions they helped to make.

Q: Those "five Es" are very nice, but sometimes the best approach is good, old-fashioned punishments and rewards . . . isn't it?

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A: It's all too common for us to see our highest ideals as luxuries to be indulged in fair weather and abandoned when the going gets tough. Free speech is all very well, goes the reasoning-but not in time of war. The same kind of reasoning says, "Explaining to your child is terrific-unless he gets out of control, at which point only a good thrashing will do."

Nonsense. Unless we are willing to act on our ideals when it's most chal- lenging, they aren't worth pursuing even in the good times. Fortunately, principles are as rugged and workable as our commitment to them.

The " " five Es" are practical applications five Es" are practical applications of humanist ideals. Living according to those ideals is your best bet for raising children "The highest ethical duty is often to discard the outmoded who will not only do what they are told in ethics of the past.

the moment, but live by those principles in the long run.

-Corliss Lamont, Yes, it's an imperfect world. But rewards humanist philosopher and punishments are the least effective tools for moral development because they focus on the power of the person who deals them out, like a G.o.d controlling people with eternal punishments and rewards. It is better to focus on experiences experiences that help children become people who are ethical on their own than to teach them only to behave well by doing what they are told. Kids learn best from experiencing the positive and negative that help children become people who are ethical on their own than to teach them only to behave well by doing what they are told. Kids learn best from experiencing the positive and negative consequences consequences of their behavior. of their behavior.

Helping kids learn from consequences of their actions is not a subst.i.tute for the "five Es." Again-consequences are a tool, and the "five Es" are their foundation. It's important to explain your goals and engage your children in the process of reaching them. For example, the reason for a curfew is your concern for your child's safety, and the time and conditions of the curfew may be negotiable as your child matures.

Besides being positive and negative, consequences can be natural natural, logical logical, or arbitrary arbitrary (which isn't always a bad thing). If your child breaks a toy by angrily or carelessly throwing it at the wall, a natural consequence would be delaying or refusing to replace it (especially if something similar has happened before). (which isn't always a bad thing). If your child breaks a toy by angrily or carelessly throwing it at the wall, a natural consequence would be delaying or refusing to replace it (especially if something similar has happened before).

There's also something to be said for working together to repair the toy.

Sometimes we can't allow "natural consequences" to occur. If your child keeps leaving toys on stairs where someone could trip on them and get hurt, you'll have to step in with preventive action. If she often leaves toys on the stairs, a logical consequence would be taking away any toy you find there and not giving it back until there is evidence that she'll at least try to change.

39.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief An arbitrary consequence has no clearly natural or logical relationship to the action that brought it on. If it's a negative consequence, it's likely to seem unfair and not be helpful as discipline. For example, grounding your teen for coming home from a party two hours late is a logical consequence (although there might be some disagreement on how long it should last). But grounding him for getting too involved in a game to set the table on time is illogical overkill. Logical consequences (maybe subject to negotiation) might be adding or subst.i.tuting another task such as washing the dishes or temporarily taking away the distracting game until you've agreed on a way for him to remember to do ch.o.r.es on time.

Sometimes arbitrary positive consequences are okay. We adults use them ourselves; for example, "I will begin my stop-smoking effort by getting myself a CD for each week I go without cigarettes." Why not teach our kids this method of motivating themselves to do things that are necessary but unpleasant or unrewarding?

Positive consequences can get us into tricky territory. Suppose your child practices hard to learn a new skill, such as batting better or learning a difficult piano piece. Positive natural consequences might include pride in mastering the skill, or pleasure ("flow") in performing more effortlessly (read more about flow in Chapter 5). Logical consequences include such rewards as being chosen for a compet.i.tive team, winning a music scholarship, or being asked to play at a friend's party. The last example shows how the reasons an experience is rewarding can be mixed. One doesn't have to play music unusually well to have the fun of helping friends have a good time.

The tricky part comes in when a child feels that your approval, or their friends' acceptance, is conditional on performing well. It feels unavoidably natural to be proud when your child succeeds, but it's just as important to be supportive when kids have made an effort and somehow things don't turn out as well as they had hoped.

Q: How can I help my children develop the widest scope of empathy?

A: First, help your child develop "emotional literacy"-recognizing, expressing, respecting, and responding to his or her own and other people's feelings. With young children, name emotions: theirs, yours, those of characters in stories and of the people around them. ("You look sad.""I'm so happy, I can't stop smiling."

"Looks like he's in pain.") Feelings can be mixed, so talk about that, too.

Don't judge emotions. For example, anger is not bad in itself, although it may be uncalled-for at times. As your kids grow older, help them understand that the most obvious emotion may not be the only one a person is feeling. For 40Sidewalk Morality One day in June I watched from our front porch as my 5-year-old daugh- ter Delaney received a moral lesson on a subject that has fascinated philosophers for centuries: ant squishing. Her brother Connor-11 years old and pro-life in the deeply literal sense-found Laney busily stomping her way into ant mythology on the front sidewalk.

"Laney!!" he screamed. "Stop it!"

"What for?" she asked without pausing. "There are lots of others."

He spluttered a bit-then a cla.s.sic grin spread across his face. He raised his foot and aimed the sole at her. "Well, there are lots of other little girls, too!"

She screamed and ran. The ants huzzahed, and Monkey-Who- Pointed-Foot-at-Other-Monkey-and-Saved-Many entered the colony lore.

My boy had applied a great critical thinking technique by using the faulty logic of his opponent to generate a ridiculous counterexample. I wondered from the sidelines if it would stick.

A few days later, as I loaded the last of the boxes for our move, I got my answer. Laney walked with her head hung low, doing the aimless, foot-sc.r.a.ping walk of the bored child in midsummer, then announced her intention to "go squish some ants."

"Hm," I said.

She stopped walking. "What?"

"Well, I dunno. Does that seem like a good thing to do, or no?"

She shrugged.

"Tell you what," I said. "You think about it for a minute and let me know what you decide."

"Okay." She took a little walk around the yard and thought.

I knew that Delaney knew the answer. Everyone knows the answer.

Like most basic moral questions, knowing what's right is not the hard part when your foot is raised above the skittering dots on the sidewalk. The challenge is to do what we already know is right. And the best founda- tion for that right action is the ability to say why something is right.

Not knowing right from wrong is so rare that it is a complete felony de- fense. You are rightly considered barking mad if you fail to recognize the distinction. And it's so thunderously rare that the defense rarely succeeds.

So why do we continue to pretend that our children's moral development is best served by merely dictating lists of rules?

41.Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Instead of listing "thou shalt nots," we ought to encourage our kids to discover and articulate what they already know is right, then ask them why it's right. This, not the pa.s.sive intake of rules, leads to the development of moral judgment, something that will allow them to think and act morally when we aren't in the room with them.

Delaney came back after 2 minutes. "I'm not gonna squish ants any more," she said.

"Oh. Why did you decide that?"

"Because they should get to have a life, too," she said. "Like me."

That old reciprocity principle. You can't beat it.

-Dale McGowan, from the blog The Meming of Life example, angry behavior might express hurt feelings. Knowing that makes it possible to respond more appropriately.

"Starting small" is okay. While toddlers naturally respond to some emo- tional cues, a child must be at least 3 before she begins to understand understand that other people's feelings can be different from her own. You can help by explaining how her actions are affecting others: "Joey is crying. He's sad because you took his toy away." that other people's feelings can be different from her own. You can help by explaining how her actions are affecting others: "Joey is crying. He's sad because you took his toy away."

It's okay, too, that kids first learn empathy in small groups, such as their families or playgroups. That's how everyone lived for most of humanity's time on earth. Just as mountain climbers need a base camp to support their explorations, trusted and familiar groups give your child emotional support and security as he or she meets new and different people.

Your child's introduction to diversity starts with interpersonal differences that don't come under the banner of social diversity-like the different size and abilities of younger siblings, differences in taste, or the different skin tex-tures of children and their elderly neighbors.

Then, even if there is social and economic diversity in your kids' schools, and especially if there isn't, there are countless ways you can bring it into their lives. Diversity in your own friendship network, reading stories set in other cultures, and visiting ethnic neighborhoods are just a few examples.

We also need to teach about religious diversity. Even people who are non- religious need to be able to empathize with religious impulses at least to some degree, if we are going to build a cooperative and coexistent world.

It's important to help your kids find ways to put compa.s.sion into action; feeling powerless to help can be so painful that we shut down feelings of em-42pathy. Once again, start with small, intimate acts. Thank your child for bringing you a gla.s.s of water when you're sick, or ask,"Could you keep the baby company while I make dinner?" Help an older child find extracurricular activities where he meets different friends than he has at school. Involve your family in volunteer work, or, if you don't have time, encourage your kids to partic.i.p.ate in volunteer activities.

Putting empathy into action is a power- ful experience: Your kids enrich their lives "Modern Darwinism makes while learning that they can can make the world make the world it abundantly clear that many a better place.

less ruthless traits, some not always admired by robber Q: Sometimes it seems like my kids hang on to barons and Fuhrers-altruism, their quarrels and grudges endlessly. How can general intelligence, compas- I teach them the value of letting go?

sion-may be the key to sur- vival.

A: It's true: Family life involves conflict, es- pecially when there is more than one child, " -Carl Sagan -Carl Sagan and you inevitably find yourself in the role of referee for a thousand petty irritations. It's tempting to urge your child to "Forgive and forget," or "Just move on." But don't do it. Moving on without clearing up the original problem leads to running around in circles. This is just as true when there's no clear victim, because each party in a conflict did harm.

Much of the research and writing about these issues uses the word "for- giveness," but there are problems with using such a religiously loaded word. For one thing, it often implies "absolution"-freeing the person who hurt another of the guilt that attaches to that person's action. But, nothing can make a wrong action into a right action. What's needed instead, if possible, is to repair the harm that was done. Also, the idea of "forgiveness" as a virtue unfairly puts all the responsibility on the victim, without offering the wrongdoer a chance to make amends. And finally, using the one word "forgiveness" sometimes confuses two very different processes: "acceptance" and "reconciliation."