Raising Freethinkers.

A Practical Guide for Parenting.

Dale McGowan.

Preface.

In April 2007, Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion Parenting Beyond Belief: On Raising Ethical, Caring Kids Without Religion was released. The first comprehensive book for nonreligious parents, was released. The first comprehensive book for nonreligious parents, PBB PBB laid out a basic philosophy for nonreligious parenting in a wide variety of voices. The book fulfilled the promise of its preface to support and encourage nonreligious parents, but (also as promised) included relatively little in the way of practical advice. laid out a basic philosophy for nonreligious parenting in a wide variety of voices. The book fulfilled the promise of its preface to support and encourage nonreligious parents, but (also as promised) included relatively little in the way of practical advice.

The sound you heard upon opening this book was the other shoe drop- ping. Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief is just that-a practical guide. You'll find ideas and ponderings in these pages, but also specific answers to common questions and hundreds of activities and resources to make those ideas come alive. is just that-a practical guide. You'll find ideas and ponderings in these pages, but also specific answers to common questions and hundreds of activities and resources to make those ideas come alive.

Along the way we will also address some of the larger questions about nonreligious parenting that have surfaced since the release of PBB, PBB, including the first and foremost: What exactly including the first and foremost: What exactly is is nonreligious parenting? nonreligious parenting?

Vive la Difference-and the Common Ground Not long after the release of Parenting Beyond Belief, Parenting Beyond Belief, I received an email from a liberal Christian. She was a regular reader of my secular parenting blog, The Meming of Life, and she'd had it with me. I received an email from a liberal Christian. She was a regular reader of my secular parenting blog, The Meming of Life, and she'd had it with me.

Why, she asked, do I draw a line between "religious parenting" and "non- religious parenting"? Isn't the kind of parenting I advocate-unbounded questioning, a scientifically informed, evidence-based worldview, questioning of authority, rejecting the notion of "sinful thoughts," developing moral judgment instead of simple rule following-isn't all that just "good parenting"?

Am I really really saying that religious parents can't do these things? saying that religious parents can't do these things?

There is nothing nothing secular parents can do that religious parents positively cannot do, I replied, just as there is nothing that religious parents can achieve that secular parents can do that religious parents positively cannot do, I replied, just as there is nothing that religious parents can achieve that we we can't. can't.

"So why make the distinction at all?" she asked. "Why describe something called 'nonreligious parenting' if it's pretty much the same as good religious parenting?"

The answer is this: Even though we can and often do end up pursuing the same ends, religious and nonreligious parenting really aren't aren't the same. There is a profound difference in the context, the s.p.a.ce in which religious parenting and nonreligious parenting happen. the same. There is a profound difference in the context, the s.p.a.ce in which religious parenting and nonreligious parenting happen.

Both secular and religious parents can can raise kids to value fearless questioning, think critically, question authority, and reject the idea of sin and the demonization of doubt. But the core principles of freethought encourage and support those values, while the core principles of religion discourage them. raise kids to value fearless questioning, think critically, question authority, and reject the idea of sin and the demonization of doubt. But the core principles of freethought encourage and support those values, while the core principles of religion discourage them.

One lends itself to them; the other chafes against them.

My hat is off to religious parents who encourage unrestrained doubt, ap- plaud fearless questioning, and reject appeals to authority. I admire their willingness to dissent from their group's majority. Considering the current growth in Christian fundamentalism at the expense of more moderate versions, such religious parents are salmon swimming against a mighty current. At the core of traditional monotheistic religion are the ideas that doubt is bad, that certain questions are not to be asked, and that church and scripture carry some degree of inherent authority.

But the most important message in her email is one too often overlooked by nonreligious and religious people alike: the fact that followers of progressive religion have far more in common with the nonreligious than they do with their more conservative and literalist coreligionists. Every time we distinguish between ourselves and those conservative religious pract.i.tioners, we should make an equal effort to recognize our substantial common ground with those progressives.

A particular strength of nonreligious parenting is that it can embrace several key human values without apology, values that religion has traditionally suppressed and feared. This embrace allows parents-gay or straight, single or partnered-to turn away from the dissonance of religion, to dance with their children in the light of knowledge, and to revel in questioning and doubt-ing as the highest human callings, rivaled only by love.

Finding Our Voice-and Each Other

When I first approached agents and publishers with the idea of a book on nonreligious parenting in 2003, I was confidently informed that no real audience existed for such a book. There was a book t.i.tled How to Be a Jewish Parent, How to Be a Jewish Parent, serving the 2.5 percent of the U.S. population that is Jewish; another t.i.tled serving the 2.5 percent of the U.S. population that is Jewish; another t.i.tled Effective Islamic Parenting Effective Islamic Parenting for the 1 percent that is Islamic; and even one called for the 1 percent that is Islamic; and even one called Raising Witches: Teaching the Wiccan Faith to Children Raising Witches: Teaching the Wiccan Faith to Children for that 0.004 percent slice of the U.S. pie. But the 14.1 percent of the U.S. population that identify for that 0.004 percent slice of the U.S. pie. But the 14.1 percent of the U.S. population that identify as nonreligious was still relatively invisible just a few years ago.

That changed in October 2005 when Sam Harris's The End of Faith The End of Faith hit number 4 on the hit number 4 on the New York Times New York Times Best Seller list. Six months later, there was little difficulty in finding a publisher for Best Seller list. Six months later, there was little difficulty in finding a publisher for Parenting Beyond Belief. Parenting Beyond Belief. The book has found a large and receptive audience of parents, often grateful and surprised to find that they were not alone after all. The book has found a large and receptive audience of parents, often grateful and surprised to find that they were not alone after all.

I've heard it claimed that we're in the midst of a "secular parenting re- naissance." Dozens of new nonreligious parenting resources have come into being since the release of PBB PBB in April 2007, including discussion forums, blogs, and local nonreligious parenting groups in cities including New York, Washington, DC, Raleigh, Portland (OR), Palo Alto (CA), Austin, Albuquerque, and Colorado Springs. in April 2007, including discussion forums, blogs, and local nonreligious parenting groups in cities including New York, Washington, DC, Raleigh, Portland (OR), Palo Alto (CA), Austin, Albuquerque, and Colorado Springs.

But "renaissance" isn't quite right. A renaissance is a re re birth-and nonreligious parenting is not born again by either definition. It's the birth-and nonreligious parenting is not born again by either definition. It's the birth birth of a nonreligious parenting movement we are witnessing. It's not that nonreligious parenting is new, of course, but it's only now that we are finding each other, forming a movement and a community, learning that we've been living all of a nonreligious parenting movement we are witnessing. It's not that nonreligious parenting is new, of course, but it's only now that we are finding each other, forming a movement and a community, learning that we've been living all along in neighborhoods and cities filled with parents who are grappling with precisely the same questions we are. Even better, we're finding a consensus on how best to answer those questions.

The "Best Practices" Model Religion provides parents with answers. But on one parenting topic after another-moral development, s.e.xuality, dealing with death, child discipline, avoiding substance abuse, and more-a growing body of research across mul- tiple disciplines shows that traditional religious answers often get it precisely wrong. It isn't just a matter of "different strokes"-ignoring the best of our knowledge in favor of conservative religious practice often results in impaired vii moral development, more dysfunctional behavior, equal or greater rates of teen pregnancy, a more confused att.i.tude toward death, and equal or greater alcohol and drug abuse than scientifically informed secular approaches-a sobering pattern explored throughout this book.

So it isn't surprising that so many religious and nonreligious parents alike are walking away from these counterproductive ideas. But even as bad answers are discarded, the questions remain. In addition to searching out the best insights from research, nonreligious parents are turning to each other, building an informed and continuously tested consensus on the best practices for nonreligious parenting.

"Best practices" are practices that have been found most effective in a given field. In the absence of a single authority, nonreligious parents are developing their own set of best practices, informed by scientific research and shaped by their own experiences.

Perhaps most important of all, best practices are not commandments carved in stone but an evolving set of guidelines-a kind of cultural Wiki, continuously edited and re-edited by those who are testing its a.s.sumptions on a daily basis.

After nearly three years of research, travel, teaching, and discussion, I offer the following evolving list of nine best practices for nonreligious parenting: 1. 1. Encourage ever-wider circles of empathy. Encourage ever-wider circles of empathy. Worldview, race, nationalism, and various other chauvinisms cut us off from empathy with the rest of Worldview, race, nationalism, and various other chauvinisms cut us off from empathy with the rest of humanity. Nonreligious parents should encourage their children to reach beyond such artificial boundaries.

2. Encourage active moral development. Encourage active moral development. Children can and should be encouraged to develop Children can and should be encouraged to develop active active moral reasoning by understanding the reasons to be and do good. moral reasoning by understanding the reasons to be and do good.

3. Promote ravenous curiosity. Promote ravenous curiosity. An active and insatiable curiosity is the key to learning and the engine of a productive and engaged life. An active and insatiable curiosity is the key to learning and the engine of a productive and engaged life.

4. Teach engaged coexistence. Teach engaged coexistence. Religion in some form will always be with us. Religion in some form will always be with us.

Our job is to raise kids to coexist with religion while engaging and chal- lenging its adherents to make its effects more humane- and and inviting the same in return. inviting the same in return.

5. Encourage religious literacy. Encourage religious literacy. Children must be made knowledgeable Children must be made knowledgeable about about religion without being indoctrinated religion without being indoctrinated into into religion. religion.

6. Leave kids unlabeled. Leave kids unlabeled. Calling a child a "Christian" or an "atheist" is counterproductive to encouraging genuine freethought. It is just as dishonest Calling a child a "Christian" or an "atheist" is counterproductive to encouraging genuine freethought. It is just as dishonest to label a child with a complex worldview as to call her a "Republican" or a "Marxist."

7. Make death natural and familiar. Make death natural and familiar. By shielding our children too completely from the contemplation of death, we set them up for a much more By shielding our children too completely from the contemplation of death, we set them up for a much more difficult and dysfunctional adult relationship with mortality.

8. Invite the questioning of authority. Invite the questioning of authority. At the heart of freethought is the rejection of the argument from authority. Encourage children to ask for the At the heart of freethought is the rejection of the argument from authority. Encourage children to ask for the reasons behind rules and the reasoning behind answers.

9. Normalize disbelief. Normalize disbelief. There is no greater contribution nonreligious parents can make to their children's future as freethinkers than to make religious disbelief a normal, unexceptional option in our culture. There is no greater contribution nonreligious parents can make to their children's future as freethinkers than to make religious disbelief a normal, unexceptional option in our culture.

These practices require a guiding philosophy as well-the philosophy of humanism, one rooted in the dual principles of love and reason so beautifully captured by the Bertrand Russell quote that begins Parenting Beyond Belief. Parenting Beyond Belief.

"The good life," Russell noted, "is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge." Freethought, in its pursuit of knowledge, too often leaves the principles of love and compa.s.sion to fend for themselves. This is the point at which science and reason become unmoored and alienating. Without compa.s.sion and a deep-seated empathy, our freethinking principles become too detached from our humanity to do us any good.

Even a parent who agrees that the practices are sound will have countless questions about how to actually achieve them: How How can I teach my kids to engage religion productively? can I teach my kids to engage religion productively? How How can I make them literate without indoctrinating them? can I make them literate without indoctrinating them? How How can I engender that ravenous curiosity, comfort them in the face of death, push out the boundaries of empathy? These and over 100 can I engender that ravenous curiosity, comfort them in the face of death, push out the boundaries of empathy? These and over 100 other questions form the backbone of this book. Each chapter begins with an introduction to frame the chapter topic, followed by "Questions and Answers"

featuring many of the most common questions voiced by nonreligious parents.

Each then concludes with specific activities to engage the topic with your kids and/or partner, and a carefully selected list of resources for further exploration.

The Contributors As with PBB, PBB, I knew that a collaboration would produce a far better result than anything I could achieve on my own. After much consideration and consultation, I invited three co-authors with deep knowledge and experience in practical freethought education. All three are wonderful writers and thinkers, ix I knew that a collaboration would produce a far better result than anything I could achieve on my own. After much consideration and consultation, I invited three co-authors with deep knowledge and experience in practical freethought education. All three are wonderful writers and thinkers, ix and each has brought unique strengths and perspective to the project. In bringing this book about, the three best decisions I made are named Molleen, Amanda, and Jan: Molleen Matsumura has been a humanist activist and writer for over has been a humanist activist and writer for over twenty years. She has worked to defend reproductive freedom, sepa- ration of religion and government, evolution education, and marriage equality. Her writing has appeared in Free Inquiry Free Inquiry, New Humanist New Humanist (UK), (UK), Humanistic Judaism Humanistic Judaism, and Reports of the National Center for Science Education Reports of the National Center for Science Education, among other publications. Molleen has been a project director for the National Center for Science Education and currently serves on the advisory boards of the Secular Student Alliance and Americans United for Separation of Church and State. She writes the humanist advice column, Sweet Reason; Sweet Reason; some past columns some past columns can be found at www.sweetreason.org or in the Parenting section of the website of the Inst.i.tute for H or in the Parenting section of the website of the Inst.i.tute for Humanist Studies ( www.humanist studies.org).

Amanda Metskas is the Executive Director of Camp Quest, Inc. is the Executive Director of Camp Quest, Inc. ( www .camp-quest.org). She has been involved with Camp Quest since 2003 She has been involved with Camp Quest since 2003 and served on the board of directors since 2004. Amanda has been a counselor at Camp Quest Ohio, Camp Quest Michigan, Camp Quest West, Camp Quest Smoky Mountains, and Camp Quest Minnesota.

While at camp, Amanda leads educational activities on critical think- ing, debate, and international relations. During the rest of the year, she works on coordinating and promoting Camp Quest programs from her office at the Camp Quest headquarters in the Inst.i.tute for Humanist Studies. Amanda holds a BA from Brown University in in- ternational relations and psychology and an MA in political science from Ohio State University. Her co-auth.o.r.ed essay about Camp Quest appears in Parenting Beyond Belief. Parenting Beyond Belief.

Jan Devor holds a BA and MA in education from the University of holds a BA and MA in education from the University of Michigan. She taught middle school for thirteen years and then em- barked on a seventeen year career as Director of Religious Education with Unitarian Universalist congregations in Concord, MA, and Min- neapolis, MN, where she is currently serving the First Unitarian Soci- ety. Jan has been credentialed at the Master's Level in religious education by the Unitarian Universalist a.s.sociation and has co-taught a graduate-level cla.s.s at United Theological Seminary in religious ed- ucation theory, philosophy, and practice. She and her husband have raised two Unitarian Universalist freethinkers.

Dale McGowan left a fifteen-year career as a college professor in 2006 left a fifteen-year career as a college professor in 2006 to pursue writing full-time. In addition to editing and co-authoring Parenting Beyond Belief, he writes the secular parenting blog The Meming of Life and teaches nonreligious parenting seminars around the United States. He holds degrees in physical anthropology and music theory from UC Berkeley as well as a PhD in composition from the University of Minnesota. Dale lives with his wife Becca and their three children near Atlanta, Georgia.

Although each of us offered input and material for the entire book, each had primary responsibility for two chapters, as indicated in the Contents. Any first-person references within a given chapter can generally be attributed to the author of that chapter. As editor of the book overall, all errors can be safely attributed to me.

Add Your Voice!

It's such an exciting time to be a nonreligious parent. We have more resources, a more tangible sense of community, and better ways to share ideas than ever before. Drop by www.ParentingBeyondBelief.com to join the to join the PBB PBB discussion forum, to follow my parental grapplings at The Meming of Life, and to keep up with the latest news in the world of parenting without religion. We hope you'll add your voice as we continue to explore, invent, and shape our collective understanding of the best practices for raising happy, curious, ethical, and productive kids without religion. discussion forum, to follow my parental grapplings at The Meming of Life, and to keep up with the latest news in the world of parenting without religion. We hope you'll add your voice as we continue to explore, invent, and shape our collective understanding of the best practices for raising happy, curious, ethical, and productive kids without religion.

Dale McGowan

Notes.

1. In 2001, according to CUNY's American Religious Identification Survey (ARIS). Current estimates put the number between 16 and 18 percent.

2. Including research by Nucci, et al., quoted in Pearson, Beth, "The art of creating ethics man," The Herald The Herald (Scotland), January 23, 2006. See Chapter 2. (Scotland), January 23, 2006. See Chapter 2.

3. "Is Corporal Punishment an Effective Means of Discipline?" American Psychological a.s.sociation, www.apa.org/releases/spanking.html. See also Chapter 9. Accessed May 4, 2008. See also Chapter 9. Accessed May 4, 2008.

4. "Abstinence Education Faces an Uncertain Future," New York Times New York Times, July 18, 2007; Bearman, Peter, and Hannah Bruckner: "Promising the Future: Virginity Pledges and First Intercourse." American Journal of Sociology American Journal of Sociology, 106 106, (4) (January 2001), 859912. See also Chapter 4.

5. See Chapter 7.

6. Valliant, George E. The Natural History of Alcoholism The Natural History of Alcoholism (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1983). See also Chapter 4. (Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 1983). See also Chapter 4.

Acknowledgments.

Molleen Matsumura Next to parenthood, writing the "Sweet Reason" advice column was the best preparation for contributing to this book. So, deepest thanks to Matt Cherry for inviting me to launch it; sometimes our friends know us better than we know ourselves. Elaine Friedman and Ruth Geller have been friendly and thoughtful editors. So has Duncan Crary, who goes the extra ten miles in giving support.

Jone Johnson-Lewis, Don Montagna, and Lois Kellerman gave permission to include "Steps to Seeking Forgiveness"; Jone and Lois offered additional advice and support. Kate Lovelady obtained permission to use the St. Louis Ethical Society Sunday School's "Core Values." Arthur Dobrin generously gave permission to quote extensively from his book. Chris Lindstrom, Susan Rose, Bobbie Kirkhart, Cleo Kocol, John "The" King and many more people have also been helpful. Tim Madigan introduced me to the research on flow and has been a source of constant encouragement through the years.

Thanks to Elly Matsumura, Maja Marjanovic, Janelle Ishida, Adi Wise, Robyn Gregg, and Caitlin Nye-I can say from experience that our children are our best teachers.

Even a writer has no words for how supportive and inspirational Ken Mat- sumura has been.

Jan Devor I would like to acknowledge the Unitarian Universalist religion for being a place where people search for answers to religious questions and are not given the answers to swallow whole. It is a place where acceptance and respect are xiii taught as the guide words for living in this diverse world of ours. It has been a haven for me as an agnostic, a place to raise my family in community and to find friends who have supported me in this journey we call life.

Thanks to Rev. Dr. Kendyl Gibbons for her inspiration and friendship, to my kids who make me stretch, and to my husband who has made this life meaningful, loving, and fun.

Amanda Metskas Thank you to Dale McGowan, for inviting me to be a part of this amazing project. Your humor and wisdom made working on this book a joy.

Thank you to all the parents, campers, and volunteers of Camp Quest.

Much of my contribution here I owe to working with and learning from all of you.

Thank you to my husband, August E. Brunsman IV. I'd been a humanist for a long time, but I didn't know the word or find the community until I met you. Thanks for leading me down the rabbit hole and for your support, insights, and encouragement along the way.

And last and most of all, thank you to my parents, who raised a freethinker despite the consequences. Your willingness to discuss and debate rather than simply demand required a patience that I'm sure I'm only beginning to understand.

Dale McGowan Thanks first and foremost to the hundreds of nonreligious parents around the world for asking the questions and suggesting the answers from which this book was spun. A special wave to everyone at the Parenting Beyond Belief Discussion Forum, the readers and commenters on the Meming of Life blog, and partic.i.p.ants in the PBB PBB Seminar Tour. This one's for you. Seminar Tour. This one's for you.

Thanks to my agent Uwe Stender and to Christina Parisi and Kama Tim- brell at AMACOM for patiently enduring all of my ongoing nonsense.

Heartfelt thanks to Molleen, Jan, and Amanda for their easygoing bril- liance and levelheadedness. You've ruined me for all future collaborations.

Thanks also to Louise Mead at the National Center for Science Education; Matt Cherry at the Inst.i.tute for Humanist Studies; and Nica Lalli, Susan Wurzer, and Chris Lindstrom of Camp Quest West.

Deepest grat.i.tude to my parents, Carol and David, for raising freethinkers, which made it all the easier for me to do the same. Finally, a huge squeeze to Becca, Erin, Delaney, and Connor. What an incredible privilege it is to be your husband and dad. Respectively.

The choices of pull quotes and statistics scattered throughout the book were almost entirely mine, as is the book's Preface. Any lapse of judgment or errors in those materials should be charged to my account. It also goes without saying that none of those who have helped the four of us in the creation of this book shall be held responsible for any errors without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

CHAPTER 1.

The Inquiring Mind Dale McGowan

How does white milk come from a red cow?

Why doesn't the sun fall down?

How is it that all rivers flow into the ocean without ever filling it?

These questions, which could have come from any child today, are from the Rig Veda, a 3000-year-old Hindu text-and wondering and questioning are surely much older still. Early h.o.m.o sapiens h.o.m.o sapiens, endowed with the same cranial capacity as your Aunt Diane, 1 1 had to be asking similar questions 125,000 years ago. And once oral language developed sufficiently to share these thoughts, parents and others around a child would have had to respond, one way or another, to the endless stream of questions. had to be asking similar questions 125,000 years ago. And once oral language developed sufficiently to share these thoughts, parents and others around a child would have had to respond, one way or another, to the endless stream of questions.

It's the human impulse to wonder and ask questions that eventually gave birth to both religion and science, two different ways of responding to the same challenge: an overdeveloped neocortex hungry for answers.

In preparing to write this book, I plunged into the current parenting lit- erature from many perspectives, including religious parenting books. Some are very sound, like the well-grounded work of Christian parenting author Dr.