October 7th, 2013; 7:59 pm

I cried.

For the first time in my entire life, I finally cried. Bawling my eyes out, it dawned on me that even when I had experienced the death of my grandmother and the break-up of my parents, those events had not been enough to trigger my emotions.

I had cried, at last, and was still crying because I had finally been able to accept the fact that Lolita was dead; my little sister had died trying to save my life. The thing was that I couldn't believe that I had fooled myself for five whole months into thinking that she was still alive. I had believed that she was still here; that she was still alive and breathing, and had fooled myself into thinking that everything would be okay.

The truth was nothing would ever be okay; my dad was thousands of miles away with a completely new family, my mother had disappeared almost two weeks ago with no traces of her whereabouts, probably with the same man that had tried to **** me. Avian, a boy I had stupidly fallen in love with was diagnosed with a sickness he refused to treat, basically meaning that he didn't even want to be alive.

Oh, and that I would never see my little sister again.

All I had left was me.

I ran my hands through my hair, curled my feet under me, and stared out the window as the tears ran down my face. Avian had his left hand on the steering, and his right hand was intertwined with mine; now and then, he would glance at me and shoot me a small smile.

What was he smiling about? I was over here, absolutely crying my eyes out and he was smiling pitifully at me, as though he felt sorry for me.

I didn't need his pity, and I did not want him to feel sorry for me! I had come this far without his sympathy, so why was he all of a sudden being sorry for me? Was it because of the tears? Was it cause I couldn't stop the sobs choking me?

d.a.m.n these tears!

I was embarra.s.sed that every time I tried to stop the tears from flowing it only seemed to make me cry heavier so I glanced out the window to hide my tears. The car zoomed past various houses and blended the scenery into one long, blurry shade of yellow lights. As I stared out the window at the view, several thoughts ran through my mind.

I had only just accepted the truth; what would happen when Avian's time was up? What would I do then?

I removed my hand slowly from his as we pulled up into my driveway, and stuck it into my pocket. The more in love I fell in love with Avian, the harder the blow would be when his sickness won the fight he'd given up, so where would that leave me?

Sad, heartbroken, and all alone, that's where.

Avian turned the radio off, and then slowly shut off the engine. He let out a sigh, and glanced at me, silence slowly filling the car.

"You'll get through this"

I shook my head, my eyes slowly watering up again as I glanced down at my lap and kneaded my fingers. I heard Avian take in a deep breath and I turned to stare at him.

"You don't know that"

"You're strong Shay;" Avian smiled softly and took my hands in his "I'll help you"

"Avian, what happens when your sickness takes a toll?"

Avian looked at me perplexed and scrunched up his eyebrows.

"What do you mean?"

"I can't go through this again Avian" I swallowed and turned my body to face him. He sighed in realization "fight it Avian okay? Stay and fight"

"I've been fighting my whole life"

"So what's another couple of months?" I chuckled humorlessly and glanced down at our hands. Avian let out a breath and slowly removed his hands from mine.

"I can't do it anymore Shay; I just want it to be over"

I could feel the anger slowly building up inside me as I stared at him.

"So that's it then?" I leaned away from him and turned my glare icy "death doesn't affect just you, you know. It affects everyone around you". Avian said nothing so I continued, running my tongue over the back of my teeth "your parents, Lexi," I sighed and lowered my voice slightly "me"

"It's not that easy Shay" Avian glared back at me icily, before running his hands through his hair, absolutely perturbed with me but I didn't care.

"Nothing is easy Avian," I said irritably, glancing away from him "That's the point! It's called life." I seethed "I lost the only person that truly cared about me and that I truly cared about. I lost my only sibling Avian" Slowly, I turned back to him "Do you think that was easy?" I screeched.

"Shay…"

"No Avian," I cut him off "all you're doing is putting the rest of your family through what I'm experiencing now, and it sucks"

"I can't do it, Shay," Avian sighed, running his hands through his hair and glancing at the house "I just can't"

I clicked my tongue distastefully and turned away from him, my stare going blank. What more could I do? I had tried, so hard to reason with him, but all he wanted to do was take the easy way out.

"You're a coward, Avian" I muttered, not even bothering to look at him. I stared out the window angrily and seethed "you're a f.u.c.king coward"

"Look, this is my choice okay?" Avian said irately. I shook my head and glanced at him; he was staring at his hands solemnly, his head hung low so I couldn't see his face but I didn't care anymore.

I just didn't have enough in me to care anymore.

"You're selfish, cowardly, and not worth my time anymore" I muttered, more to myself than him but still loud enough for him to hear. I glared intensely as I grabbed my purse off the floor of his car; his mouth hung open in shock. Quickly, he closed it and turned away, his gaze turning stern.

"You know nothing Shay" he said, his voice hard as he stared straight ahead. I cleared my throat and scrubbed my hands through my hair angrily.

"You made me fall in love with you," I held my breath as he turned to stare in shock at me. I sighed, realizing what I had just blurted out.

Why?

Why did I have to go and run my stupid mouth?

Avian didn't say anything, just stared down at his lap partly still in shock. I took in a deep breath and turned to glance back out the window.

"You made me care" I muttered quietly to myself.

We sat in silence then, the anger radiating off of both of us like radioactive waves.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have"

Avian's voice was so silent; I had to turn toward him to confirm what I had just heard.

What was he talking about?

Avian jutted out his chin then and turned to look at me.

"Maybe you shouldn't have fallen in love with me"

What?

I stared at him.

Did he just say that?

My heart clenched as I swallowed slowly.

I had just been rejected, and it felt G.o.dd.a.m.n awful.

Maybe he was right; I was an idiot to have fallen for someone who wanted to die. Someone who didn't give a s.h.i.+t about anyone but himself. Slowly, I picked up my purse and moved to open the car door, before changing my mind and turning back to glare at him.

How dare he?

"You know, you're such a f.u.c.king hypocrite"

Avian turned to look at me, his eyebrows scrunching up.

"What?"

"I shouldn't have fallen in love with you? Is that all you have to say to me? Which, by the way, is the sorriest attempt at pus.h.i.+ng someone way that I have ever seen" I was ranting but I didn't care "you have feelings for me too! Don't even try to deny it"

"Shay…"

I was on a roll now and wasn't about to be interrupted.

"You say I'm stupid for falling in love with you? That I'm just a sad, lonely girl desperate for any sort of attention?"

"I never said those things"

"Yeah, not in those words! The thing is, Avian," I spat his name bitterly "you're just as pathetic as I am"

"Then why are you in love with me?"

I shut up then, realizing that I did not have an actual answer to that.

Why was I in love with him?

Do people usually have reasons for falling in love? I mean, naturally, they should, because I knew exactly why I had fallen for Alex: he was handsome, smart and sickly sweet. Those were the reasons I had fallen in love with Alex.

So why was I in love with Avian?

I shook my head and glanced away from him.

"You're a f.u.c.king b.a.s.t.a.r.d, you know that?"

"Yeah, and you're still here"

I gritted my teeth and pushed the door open.

"Go f.u.c.k yourself Avian" I muttered, grabbing my belongings. I slammed his car door shut, and stormed towards my house, not even bothering to glance back at his car. After fumbling with my keys for about a minute, I pushed my door open, stormed into the house and slammed the door shut behind me. Avian must have sat in the car for a while longer because I put my ear to the door and listened.

Silence.

Finally, I heard him start the engine, and slowly pull out of my driveway, as though hesitant to leave.

Screw him! I wasn't about to waste my time on someone who didn't give a s.h.i.+t about me; someone who didn't care.

My heart constricted then, and the tears started up again. I stared at the door motionlessly, the room blurring up; I tried so hard to hold myself together, but it felt as though my stomach and my heart were in some kind of contest, trying to see which could hurt more.

Slowly, I slid down the door and let the sobs overtake my body.

Frankly, I liked it better when I couldn't cry.

I sat on the floor for about forty-five minutes with my legs drawn up to my chest and my head resting on my knees.

The house was eerily silent.

I didn't need anyone! I could do this; I could survive on my own. I didn't need parents that couldn't care less, a boyfriend who did not even want to be alive, or a sister that had died trying to protect me. I didn't need best friends, school, people…

I didn't need anyone.

I swallowed slowly and glanced around the dark s.p.a.ce that surrounded me.

Who was I kidding?

I couldn't do this; I couldn't live like this. What did the universe have against me? What had I done wrong?

The doorbell rang then, making me jump slightly.

Avian.

I scrambled to my feet, and wiped my cheeks. Slowly, I took in a deep breath before yanking the door open.

"I thought I told you to go f.u.c.k yourself…"

I trailed off because the person standing in front of me was not a brown-eyed teenager.

No, it wasn't Avian at all.

I swallowed slightly and slowly crossed my arms against my chest.

"Dad?"

***

"Dad?"

It was real; my father stood there in a fancy monkey suit, complete with a professional tie and matching cufflinks. His normally brown hair was now speckled with grey strands of old age, and he had grown out a mustache around his lips.

He looked like a completely different person.

"Hey Shay" my dad said, smiling at me as he slipped a hand into his pocket. A swelling rose at the pit of my stomach, and I had the sudden urge to wrap my arms around him and cry my heart out; the only problem was I hadn't seen him since he moved out of the house a week after my birthday to stay with the woman he had cheated on my mother with.

I pushed down my urges and stared blankly at him.

"What are you doing here?"

My father ran his right hand through his hair, and I eyed the plastic bag he carried in his left hand. He stepped into the house then, and I automatically stepped back. Swallowing, he averted his gaze.

"Well, I had a meeting close by so I thought I'd come see you"

I crossed my arms against my chest and said nothing.

Figures. My father would never come out to see me on his own; his wife probably pushed him to come. He cleared his throat and shot me a small smile "So how are you? Are you okay?"

I scoffed.

"Depends on how you define okay"

My dad sighed and tensed up, before dragging his gaze back to me, completely changing the subject as he raised the plastic bag.

"I brought presents"

I narrowed my eyes at him; buy me over.

Cla.s.sic Jeremy Hunter.

"Why?"

"I know I missed your birthday so…" I cut him off, rolling my eyes

"My birthday was five months ago"

"I want to make it up" he grinned at me and pulled out a new Nikon camera. I rolled my eyes and glanced up from the 'present; to look at him as he continued "last time I remember, you were really into photography. It was your favorite hobby"

Keyword: 'was'.

"You don't even know me," I said, shaking my head slowly "I was fifteen, in grade ten. Is that the last thing you remember about me?"

"Look, I just came over to apologize"

"So apologize"

My father gritted his teeth and dragged his gaze to me.

"I'm sorry"

I took in a deep breath sarcastically and then clicked my tongue.

"That's not good enough"

I shrugged and my dad sighed, slowly running his hands through his hair.

"I'm sorry for everything; for leaving you, not being there"

I stared at my dad's pained expression and shook my head.

"Still not good enough"

He sighed.

"I just want our relations.h.i.+p back" his voice was so tiny, I almost felt sorry for him.

Almost.

My mind wandered back to the many dinners he had missed, all the times he'd turned me away when I wanted to spend time with him, the fact that he missed my birthday, that he cheated on my mother; he did this to us. He broke us the minute he started sleeping around with that wh.o.r.e, and turned my mother into an alcoholic b.i.t.c.h; she became that way because of him.

Then, there was the fact that he left. Lolita died, and he ran. He left me, when I needed him the most.

That wasn't something I was ready to forgive so easily.

"A little late for that, isn't you dad?" I crossed my arms against my chest and stared at him. He sighed and took a step closer to me.

"Shay, if you could just forgive me…" he moved to put his arms around me but I quickly sidestepped him. What did he think? That he could just show up with an expensive birthday present five months late, we'd hug and everything would be fine?

No.

"Don't," I said in a stern voice, and then I ran my hands through my hair "I have somewhere to be"

I stepped around my dad and opened the door.

"Where?" I heard my father's voice and turned around "I brought marshmallows and thought we could watch Christmas movies like we used to" He pulled out a packet of marshmallows and smiled pleadingly at me.

I sighed and rolled my eyes, before shaking out my hair.

"I was five, dad," I said frustrated and bit my lip, "I think I'll pa.s.s"

I walked out of the house then, and slammed the door behind me, pulling my coat tighter around my body. I glanced around the empty street, and as I slowly put one foot in front of the other, I knew exactly where I wanted to be at that moment. And who I wanted to be with.