The attendant looked up, startled. "Ma'am?"

"Nothing...nothing."

After what seemed an eternity, the ambulance pulled up at the emergency entrance at the back of the hospital. Two interns were waiting at the door. Jennifer stood there helpless, watching as Joshua was removed from the ambulance and transferred to a gurney.

An attendant asked, "Are you the boy's mother?"

"Yes."

"This way, please."

What followed was a blurred kaleidoscope of sound and light and movement. Jennifer watched Joshua being wheeled down a long, white corridor to an X-ray room.

She started to follow, but the attendant said, "You'll have to check him in first."

A thin woman at the front desk was saying to Jennifer, "How do you plan to pay for this? Do you have Blue Cross or some other form of insurance?"

Jennifer wanted to scream at the woman, wanted to get back to Joshua's side, but she forced herself to answer the questions, and when they were over and Jennifer had filled out several forms, the woman allowed Jennifer to leave.

She hurried down to the X-ray room and went inside. The room was empty. Joshua was gone. Jennifer ran back to the hallway, looking around frantically. A nurse pa.s.sed by.

Jennifer clutched her arm. "Where's my son?"

The nurse said, "I don't know. What's his name?"

"Joshua. Joshua Parker."

"Where did you leave him?"

"He-he was having X rays-he-" Jennifer was beginning to be incoherent. "What have they done with him! Tell me!"

The nurse took a closer look at Jennifer and said, "Wait here, Mrs. Parker. I'll see if I can find out."

She came back a few minutes later. "Dr. Morris would like to see you. Come this way, please."

Jennifer found that her legs were trembling. It was difficult to walk.

"Are you all right?" The nurse was staring at her.

Her mouth was dry with fear. "I want my son."

They came to a room filled with strange-looking equipment. "Wait here, please."

Dr. Morris came in a few moments later. He was a very fat man with a red face and nicotine stains on his fingers. "Mrs. Parker?"

"Where's Joshua?"

"Step in here a moment, please." He led Jennifer into a small office across from the room with the strange-looking equipment. "Please sit down."

Jennifer took a seat. "Joshua is-it's-it's nothing serious, is it, Doctor?"

"We don't know yet." His voice was surprisingly soft for a man of his size. "I need some information. How old is your son?"

"He's only seven."

The only only had slipped out, a reprimand to G.o.d. had slipped out, a reprimand to G.o.d.

"Was he in an accident recently?"

A vision flashed through Jennifer's mind of Joshua turning to wave and losing his balance and hitting the pilings. "He-he had a water skiing accident. He b.u.mped his head."

The doctor was making notes. "How long ago was that?"

"I-a few-a few days ago. In Acapulco." It was difficult to think straight.

"Did he seem all right after the accident?"

"Yes. He had a lump on the back of his head, but otherwise he-he seemed fine."

"Did you notice any lapse of memory?"

"No."

"Any personality changes?"

"No."

"No convulsions or stiff neck or headache?"

"No."

The doctor stopped writing and looked up at Jennifer. "I've had an X ray done, but it's not enough. I want to do a CAT scan."

"A-?"

"It's a new computerized machine from England that takes pictures of the inside of the brain. I may want to make some additional tests afterward. Is that all right with you?"

"If-if-if"-she was stammering-"it's necessary. It-it won't hurt him, will it?"

"No. I may also need to do a spinal puncture."

He was frightening her.

She forced the question out of her mouth. "What do you think it is? What's the matter with my son?" She did not recognize the sound of her own voice.

"I'd prefer not to make any guesses, Mrs. Parker. We'll know in an hour or two. He's awake now, if you'd like to see him."

"Oh, please!"

A nurse led her to Joshua's room. He was lying in bed, a pale small figure. He looked up as Jennifer entered.

"Hi, Mom."

"Hi there." She sat at the edge of his bed. "How do you feel?"

"Kind of funny. It's like I'm not here."

Jennifer reached out and took his hand. "You're here, darling. And I'm with you."

"I can see two of everything."

"Did-did you tell the doctor that?"

"Uh-huh. I saw two of him. I hope he doesn't send you two bills."

Jennifer gently put her arms around Joshua and hugged him. His body seemed frail and shrunken.

"Mom?"

"Yes, darling?"

"You won't let me die, will you?"

Her eyes were suddenly stinging. "No, Joshua, I won't let you die. The doctors are going to make you well and then I'm going to take you home."

"Okay. And you promised we can go back to Acapulco sometime."

"Yes. As soon as-"

He was asleep.

Dr. Morris came into the room with two men wearing white jackets.

"We'd like to begin the tests now, Mrs. Parker. They won't take long. Why don't you wait in here and make yourself comfortable?"

Jennifer watched them take Joshua out of the room. She sat on the edge of the bed, feeling as though she had been physically beaten. All the energy had drained out of her. She sat there, staring at the white wall, in a trance.

A moment later a voice said, "Mrs. Parker-"

Jennifer looked up and Dr. Morris was there.

"Please go ahead and do the tests," Jennifer said.

He looked at her oddly. "We've finished."

Jennifer looked at the clock on the wall. She had been sitting there for two hours. Where had the time gone? She looked into the doctor's face, reading it, searching for the small, telltale signs that would reveal whether he had good news or bad news for her. How many times had she done this before, reading the faces of jurors, knowing in advance from their expressions what the verdict would be? A hundred times? Five hundred? Now, because of the panic raging within her, Jennifer could tell nothing. Her body began to shake uncontrollably.

Dr. Morris said, "Your son is suffering from a subdural hematoma. In layman's terms, there has been a ma.s.sive trauma to his brain."

Her throat was suddenly so dry that no words could come out.

"Wh-" She swallowed and tried again. "What does that-?" She could not finish the sentence.

"I want to operate immediately. I'll need your permission."

He was playing some kind of cruel prank on her. In a moment he was going to smile and tell her that Joshua was fine. I was just punishing you, Mrs. Parker, for wasting my time. There's nothing wrong with your son except that he needs sleep. He's a growing boy. You mustn't take up our time when we have patients to look after who are really ill. He was going to smile at her and say, "You can take your son home now." time. There's nothing wrong with your son except that he needs sleep. He's a growing boy. You mustn't take up our time when we have patients to look after who are really ill. He was going to smile at her and say, "You can take your son home now."

Dr. Morris was going on. "He's young and his body seems strong. There's every reason to hope the operation will be a success."

He was going to cut open her baby's brain, tear into it with his sharp instruments, perhaps destroy whatever it was that made Joshua, Joshua. Perhaps-kill him.

"No!" It was an angry cry.

"You won't give us permission to operate?"

"I-" Her mind was so confused she could not think. "Wh-what will happen if you don't operate?"

Dr. Morris said simply, "Your son will die. Is the boy's father here?"

Adam! Oh, how she wanted Adam, how she wanted to feel his arms around her, comforting her. She wanted him to tell her that everything was going to be all right, that Joshua was going to be fine.

"No," Jennifer replied finally, "he's not. I-I give you my permission. Go ahead with the operation."

Dr. Morris filled out a form and handed it to her. "Would you sign this, please?"

Jennifer signed the paper without looking at it. "How long will it take?"

"I won't know until I open-" He saw the look on her face. "Until I begin the operation. Would you like to wait here?"

"No!" The walls were closing in on her, choking her. She could not breathe. "Is there a place where I can pray?"

It was a small chapel with a painting of Jesus over the altar. The room was deserted except for Jennifer. She knelt, but she was unable to pray. She was not a religious person; why would G.o.d listen to her now? She tried to quiet her mind so that she could talk to G.o.d, but her fear was too strong; it had taken complete possession of her. She kept berating herself mercilessly. If I only hadn't taken Joshua to Acapulco, If I only hadn't taken Joshua to Acapulco, she thought... she thought...If I hadn't let him go water skiing...If I hadn't trusted that Mexican doctor...If. If. If. She made bargains with G.o.d. She made bargains with G.o.d. Make him well again and I'll do anything you ask of me. Make him well again and I'll do anything you ask of me.

She denied G.o.d. If there was a G.o.d, would he do this to a child who had never harmed anyone? What kind of G.o.d lets innocent children die? If there was a G.o.d, would he do this to a child who had never harmed anyone? What kind of G.o.d lets innocent children die?

Finally, out of sheer exhaustion, Jennifer's thoughts slowed and she remembered what Dr. Morris had said. He's young and his body seems strong. There's every reason to hope the operation will be a success. He's young and his body seems strong. There's every reason to hope the operation will be a success.

Everything was going to be all right. Of course it was. When this was over, she would take Joshua away someplace where he could rest. Acapulco, if he liked. They would read and play games and talk...

When finally Jennifer was too exhausted to think any longer, she slumped into a seat, her mind a dazed blank, empty. Someone was touching her arm and she looked up and Dr. Morris was standing over her. Jennifer looked into his face and had no need to ask any questions.