I won't really feel anything about him until he's four or five years old, Jennifer had thought. How wrong, how wrong. From the moment of Joshua's birth, Jennifer loved her son with a love she had never known existed in her. It was a fiercely protective love. Joshua was so small, and the world so large.

When Jennifer brought Joshua home from the hospital, she was given a long list of instructions, but they only served to panic her. For the first two weeks a practical nurse stayed at the house. After that, Jennifer was on her own, and she was terrified she might do something wrong that would kill the baby. She was afraid he might stop breathing at any moment.

The first time Jennifer made Joshua's formula, she realized she had forgotten to sterilize the nipple. She threw the formula in the sink and started all over again. When she had finished she remembered she had forgotten to sterilize the bottle. She began again. By the time Joshua's meal was ready, he was screaming with rage.

There were times when Jennifer did not think she would be able to cope. At unexpected moments she was overwhelmed with feelings of unexplained depression. She told herself that it was the normal postpartum blues, but the explanation did not make her feel any better. She was constantly exhausted. It seemed to her that she was up all night giving Joshua his feedings and when she did finally manage to drop off to sleep, Joshua's cries would awaken her and Jennifer would stumble back into the nursery.

She called the doctor constantly, at all hours of the day and night "Joshua's breathing too fast"..."He's breathing too slowly"..."Joshua's coughing"..."He didn't eat his dinner"..."Joshua vomited."

In self-defense, the doctor finally drove to the house and gave Jennifer a lecture.

"Mrs. Parker, I've never seen a healthier baby than your son. He may look look fragile, but he's as strong as an ox. Stop worrying about him and enjoy him. Just remember one thing-he's going to outlive both of us!" fragile, but he's as strong as an ox. Stop worrying about him and enjoy him. Just remember one thing-he's going to outlive both of us!"

And so Jennifer began to relax. She had decorated Joshua's bedroom with print curtains and a bedspread with a blue background sprigged with white flowers and yellow b.u.t.ter-flies. There was a crib, a play pen, a miniature matching chest and desk and chair, a rocking horse, and the chest full of toys.

Jennifer loved holding Joshua, bathing and diapering him, taking him for airings in his shiny new perambulator. She talked to him constantly, and when Joshua was four weeks old he rewarded her with a smile. Not gas Not gas, Jennifer thought happily. A smile! A smile!

The first time Ken Bailey saw the baby, he stared at it for a long time. With a feeling of sudden panic, Jennifer thought, He's going to recognize it. He's going to know it's Adam's baby. He's going to recognize it. He's going to know it's Adam's baby.

But all Ken said was, "He's a real beauty. He takes after his mother."

She let Ken hold Joshua in his arms and she laughed at Ken's awkwardness. But she could not help thinking, Joshua will never have a father to hold him. Joshua will never have a father to hold him.

Six weeks had pa.s.sed and it was time to go back to work. Jennifer hated the idea of being away from her son, even for a few hours a day, but the thought of returning to the office filled her with excitement. She had completely cut herself off from everything for so long. It was time to re-enter her other world.

She looked in the mirror and decided the first thing she had to do was get her body back in shape. She had been dieting and exercising since shortly after Joshua's birth, but now she went at it even more strenuously, and soon she began to look like her old self.

Jennifer started to interview housekeepers. She examined them as though each one was a juror: she probed, looking for weaknesses, lies, incompetence. She interviewed more than twenty potential candidates before she found one she liked and trusted, a middle-aged Scotswoman named Mrs. Mackey, who had worked for one family for fifteen years and had left when the children had grown up and gone away to school.

Jennifer had Ken check her out, and when Ken a.s.sured her that Mrs. Mackey was legitimate, Jennifer hired her.

A week later Jennifer returned to the office.

30.

Jennifer Parker's sudden disappearance had created a spate of rumors around Manhattan law offices.

When word got out on the grapevine that Jennifer was back, the interest was enormous. The reception that Jennifer received on the morning she returned kept swelling, as attorneys from other offices dropped by to visit her.

Cynthia, Dan and Ted had hung streamers across the room and a huge Welcome Back Welcome Back sign. There was champagne and cake. sign. There was champagne and cake.

"At nine o'clock in the morning?" Jennifer protested.

But they insisted.

"It's been a madhouse here without you," Dan Martin told her. "You're not planning to do this again, are you?"

Jennifer looked at him and said, "No. I'm not planning to do this again."

Unexpected visitors kept dropping in to make sure Jennifer was all right and to wish her well.

She parried questions about where she had been with a smile and "We're not allowed to tell."

She held conferences all day with the members of her staff. Hundreds of telephone messages had acc.u.mulated.

When Ken Bailey was in Jennifer's office alone with her, he said, "You know who's been driving us nuts trying to reach you?"

Jennifer's heart leaped. "Who?"

"Michael Moretti."

"Oh."

"He's weird. When we wouldn't tell him where you were, he made us swear you were all right."

"Forget about Michael Moretti."

Jennifer went over all the cases that were being handled by the office. Business was excellent They had acquired a lot of important new clients. Some of the older clients refused to deal with anyone but Jennifer, and were waiting for her return.

"I'll call them as soon as I can," Jennifer promised.

She went through the rest of the telephone messages. There were a dozen calls from Mr. Adams. Perhaps she should have let Adam know that she was all right, that nothing had happened to her. But she knew she could not bear hearing his voice, knowing he was close and that she would not be able to see him, touch him, hold him. Tell him about Joshua.

Cynthia had clipped news stories she thought would be of interest to Jennifer. There was a syndicated series on Michael Moretti, calling him the most important Mafia leader in the country. There was a photograph of him and under it the caption, I'm just an insurance salesman. I'm just an insurance salesman.

It took Jennifer three months to catch up on her backlog of cases. She could have handled it more rapidly, but she insisted on leaving the office at four o'clock every day, no matter what she was involved in. Joshua was waiting.

Mornings, before Jennifer went to the office, she made Joshua's breakfast herself and spent as much time as possible playing with him before she left.

When Jennifer came home in the afternoon, she devoted all of her time to Joshua. She forced herself to leave her business problems at the office, and turned down any cases that would take her away from her son. She stopped working weekends. She would let nothing intrude on her private world.

She loved reading aloud to Joshua.

Mrs. Mackey protested, "He's an infant, Mrs. Parker. He doesn't understand a word you're saying."

Jennifer would reply confidently, "Joshua understands."

And she would go on reading.

Joshua was a series of unending miracles. When he was three months old he began cooing and trying to talk to Jennifer. He amused himself in his crib with a large, tinkling ball and a toy bunny that Ken had brought him. When he was six months old, he was already trying to climb out of his crib, restless to explore the world. Jennifer held him in her arms and he grabbed her fingers with his tiny hands and they carried on long and serious conversations.

Jennifer's days at the office were full. One morning she received a call from Philip Redding, president of a large oil corporation.

"I wonder if we could meet," he said. "I have a problem."

Jennifer did not have to ask him what it was. His company had been accused of paying bribes in order to do business in the Middle East. There would be a large fee for handling the case, but Jennifer simply did not have the time.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm not available, but I can recommend someone who's very good."

"I was told not to take no for an answer," Philip Redding replied.

"By whom?"

"A friend of mine. Judge Lawrence Waldman."

Jennifer heard the name with disbelief. "Judge Waldman asked you to call me?"

"He said you're the best there is, but I already knew that."

Jennifer held the receiver in her hand, thinking of her previous experiences with Judge Waldman, how sure she had been that he hated her and was out to destroy her.

"All right. Let's have breakfast tomorrow morning," Jennifer said.

When she had hung up, she placed a call to Judge Waldman.

The familiar voice came on the telephone. "Well. I haven't talked to you in some time, young lady."

"I wanted to thank you for having Philip Redding call me."

"I wanted to make certain he was in good hands."

"I appreciate that, Your Honor."

"How would you like to have dinner with an old man one evening?"

Jennifer was taken by surprise. "I'd love having dinner with you."

"Fine. I'll take you to my club. They're a bunch of old fogies and they're not used to beautiful young women. It'll shake them up a bit."

Judge Lawrence Waldman belonged to the Century a.s.sociation on West 43rd Street, and when he and Jennifer met there for dinner she saw that he had been teasing about old fogies. The dining room was filled with authors, artists, lawyers and actors.

"It is the custom not to make introductions here," Judge Waldman explained to Jennifer. "It's a.s.sumed that every person is immediately recognizable."

Seated at various tables, Jennifer recognized Louis Auchincloss, George Plimpton and John Lindsay, among others.

Socially, Lawrence Waldman was totally different from what Jennifer had expected. Over c.o.c.ktails he said to Jennifer, "I once wanted to see you disbarred because I thought you had disgraced our profession. I'm convinced that I was wrong. I've been watching you closely. I think you're a credit to the profession."

Jennifer was pleased. She had encountered judges who were venal, stupid or incompetent. She respected Lawrence Waldman. He was both a brilliant jurist and a man of integrity.

"Thank you, Your Honor."

"Off the bench, why don't we make it Lawrence and Jennie?"

Her father was the only one who had ever called her Jennie.

"I'd like that, Lawrence."

The food was excellent and that dinner was the beginning of a monthly ritual they both enjoyed tremendously.

31.

It was the summer of 1974. Incredibly, a year had flown by since Joshua Adam Parker had been born. He had taken his first tottering steps and he understood the words for nose and mouth and head.

"He's a genius," Jennifer flatly informed Mrs. Mackey.