THE DAUGHTER Do nothing of the sort, mother. The idea!

THE MOTHER Please allow me, Clara. Have you any pennies?

THE DAUGHTER No. I've nothing smaller than sixpence.

THE FLOWER GIRL [hopefully] I can give you change for a tanner,fz kind lady. kind lady.

THE MOTHER [to CLARA] [to CLARA] Give it to me. Give it to me. [CLARA parts reluctantly [CLARA parts reluctantly ] ]. Now Now [to the girl] [to the girl] this is for your flowers. this is for your flowers.

THE FLOWER GIRL Thank you kindly, lady.

THE DAUGHTER Make her give you the change. These things are only a penny a bunch.

THE MOTHER Do hold your tongue, Clara. [To the girl [To the girl] You can keep the change.

THE FLOWER GIRL Oh, thank you, lady.

THE MOTHER Now tell me how you know that young gentleman's name.

THE FLOWER GIRL I didnt.

THE MOTHER I heard you call him by it. Dont try to deceive me.

THE FLOWER GIRL [protesting] [protesting] Whos trying to deceive you? I called him Freddy or Charlie same as you might yourself if you was talking to a stranger and wished to be pleasant. Whos trying to deceive you? I called him Freddy or Charlie same as you might yourself if you was talking to a stranger and wished to be pleasant. [She sits down beside her basket]. [She sits down beside her basket].

THE DAUGHTER Sixpence thrown away! Really, mamma, you might have spared Freddy that. [She retreats in disgust behind the pillar]. [She retreats in disgust behind the pillar].

An elderly gentleman of the amiable military type rushes into shelter, and closes a dripping umbrella. He is in the same plight as FREDDY, very wet about the ankles. He is in evening dress, with a light overcoat. He takes the place left vacant by the daughter's retirement.

THE GENTLEMAN Phew!

THE MOTHER [to the gentleman] [to the gentleman] Oh, sir, is there any sign of its stopping? Oh, sir, is there any sign of its stopping?

THE GENTLEMAN I'm afraid not. It started worse than ever about two minutes ago. [He goes to the plinth beside the flower girl; puts up his foot on it; and stoops to turn down his trouser ends [He goes to the plinth beside the flower girl; puts up his foot on it; and stoops to turn down his trouser ends]. ga ga THE MOTHER Oh, dear! [She retires sadly and joins her daughter [She retires sadly and joins her daughter ] ].

THE FLOWER GIRL [taking advantage of the military gentleman's proximity to establish friendly relations with him] [taking advantage of the military gentleman's proximity to establish friendly relations with him] If it's worse it's a sign it's nearly over. So cheer up, Captain; and buy a flower off a poor girl. If it's worse it's a sign it's nearly over. So cheer up, Captain; and buy a flower off a poor girl.

THE GENTLEMAN I'm sorry, I havnt any change.

THE FLOWER GIRL I can give you change, Captain.

THE GENTLEMAN For a sovereign? Ive nothing less.

THE FLOWER GIRL Garn! Oh do buy a flower off me, Captain. I can change half-a-crown. Take this for tuppence.

THE GENTLEMAN Now dont be troublesome: theres a good girl. (Trying his pockets] (Trying his pockets] I really havnt any change-Stop: heres three hapence, if thats any use to you I really havnt any change-Stop: heres three hapence, if thats any use to you [he retreats to the other pillar]. [he retreats to the other pillar].

THE FLOWER GIRL [disappointed, but thinking three halfpence better than nothing] [disappointed, but thinking three halfpence better than nothing] Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir.

THE BYSTANDER [to the girl] [to the girl] You be careful: give him a flower for it. Theres a bloke here behind taking down every blessed word youre saying. You be careful: give him a flower for it. Theres a bloke here behind taking down every blessed word youre saying. [All turn to the man who is taking notes [All turn to the man who is taking notes].

THE FLOWER GIRL [springing up up terrified terrified] I aint done nothing wrong by speaking to the gentleman. Ive a right to sell flowers if I keep off the kerb. [Hysterically] I'm a respectable girl: so help me, I never spoke to him except to ask him to buy a flower off me. [General hubbub, mostly sympathetic to the flower girl, but deprecating her excessive sensibility. Cries of [General hubbub, mostly sympathetic to the flower girl, but deprecating her excessive sensibility. Cries of Dont start hol lerin. Whos hurting you? Nobody's going to touch you. Whats the good of fussing? Steady on. Easy, easy, etc., come from the elderly staid spectators, who Dont start hol lerin. Whos hurting you? Nobody's going to touch you. Whats the good of fussing? Steady on. Easy, easy, etc., come from the elderly staid spectators, who pat pat her her comfortingly. comfortingly. Less patient ones Less patient ones bid bid her shut her head, or her shut her head, or ask ask her her roughly roughly what is wrong with her. A remoter group, not what is wrong with her. A remoter group, not knowing knowing what the matter is, crowd in what the matter is, crowd in and and increase increase the noise with question and answer: the noise with question and answer: Whats the row? What she do? Where is he? A tec Whats the row? What she do? Where is he? A tecgb taking her down. What! him? Yes: him over there: Took money off the gentleman, etc. taking her down. What! him? Yes: him over there: Took money off the gentleman, etc. The flower girl, distraught and mobbed, breaks through them to the gentleman, crying The flower girl, distraught and mobbed, breaks through them to the gentleman, crying wildly wildly] Oh, sir, dont let him charge me.gc You dunno what it means to me. Theyll take away my character and drive me on the streets for speaking to gentlemen. They- You dunno what it means to me. Theyll take away my character and drive me on the streets for speaking to gentlemen. They- THE NOTE TAKER [coming forward on her right, the rest on her right, the rest crowding after crowding after him] There, there, there, there! whos hurting you, you silly girl? What do you take me for? him] There, there, there, there! whos hurting you, you silly girl? What do you take me for?

THE BYSTANDER It's all right: hes a gentleman: look at his boots. [Explaining to the note taker] [Explaining to the note taker] She thought you was a copper's nark, She thought you was a copper's nark,gd sir. sir.

THE NOTE TAKER [with quick interest [with quick interest] Whats a copper's nark?

THE BYSTANDER [inapt at definition] [inapt at definition] It's a-well, it's a copper's nark, as you might say. What else would you call it? A sort of informer. It's a-well, it's a copper's nark, as you might say. What else would you call it? A sort of informer.

THE FLOWER GIRL [still hysterical [still hysterical] I take my Bible oath I never said a word- THE NOTE TAKER [overbearing but good-humored] good-humored] Oh, shut up, shut up. Do I look like a policeman? Oh, shut up, shut up. Do I look like a policeman?

THE FLOWER GIRL [far from reassured] Then what did you take down my words for? How do I know whether you took me down right? You just shew me what youve wrote about me. reassured] Then what did you take down my words for? How do I know whether you took me down right? You just shew me what youve wrote about me. [The note taker opens his book and holds it steadily under her nose, though the pressure of the mob trying to read it over his shoulders would upset a weaker man]. [The note taker opens his book and holds it steadily under her nose, though the pressure of the mob trying to read it over his shoulders would upset a weaker man]. Whats that? That aint proper writing. I cant read that. Whats that? That aint proper writing. I cant read that.

THE NOTE TAKER I can. [Reads, reproducing her pronunciation [Reads, reproducing her pronunciation exactly] "Cheer ap, Keptin; n' baw ya flahr orf a pore gel." exactly] "Cheer ap, Keptin; n' baw ya flahr orf a pore gel."

THE FLOWER GIRL [much distressed] [much distressed] It's because I called him Captain. I meant no harm. It's because I called him Captain. I meant no harm. [To the gentleman [To the gentleman] Oh, sir, dont let him lay a charge agen me for a word like that. You- THE GENTLEMAN Charge! I make no charge. [To the note taker] [To the note taker] Really, sir, if you are a detective, you need not begin protecting me against molestation by young women until I ask you. Anybody could see that the girl meant no harm. Really, sir, if you are a detective, you need not begin protecting me against molestation by young women until I ask you. Anybody could see that the girl meant no harm.

THE BYSTANDERS GENERALLY [demonstrating against police espionage] [demonstrating against police espionage] Course they could. What business is it of yours? You mind your own affairs. He wants promotion, he does. Taking down people's words! Girl never said a word to him. What harm if she did? Nice thing a girl cant shelter from the rain without being insulted, etc., etc., etc. Course they could. What business is it of yours? You mind your own affairs. He wants promotion, he does. Taking down people's words! Girl never said a word to him. What harm if she did? Nice thing a girl cant shelter from the rain without being insulted, etc., etc., etc. [She is conducted by the more sympathetic demonstrators back to her plinth, where she resumes her seat and struggles with her emotion. [She is conducted by the more sympathetic demonstrators back to her plinth, where she resumes her seat and struggles with her emotion.]

THE BYSTANDER He aint a tec. Hes a blooming busybody: thats what he is. I tell you, look at his boots.

THE NOTE TAKER [turning on him genially] [turning on him genially] And how are all your people down at Selsey? And how are all your people down at Selsey?

THE BYSTANDER [suspiciously] [suspiciously] Who told you my people come from Selsey? Who told you my people come from Selsey?

THE NOTE TAKER Never you mind. They did. [To the girl] How do you come to be up so far east?You were born in Lisson Grove.

THE FLOWER GIRL [appalled] [appalled] Oh, what harm is there in my leaving Lisson Grove? It wasnt fit for a pig to live in; and I had to pay four-and-six a week. Oh, what harm is there in my leaving Lisson Grove? It wasnt fit for a pig to live in; and I had to pay four-and-six a week. [In tears] [In tears] Oh, boo-hoo-oo- Oh, boo-hoo-oo- THE NOTE TAKER Live where you like; but stop that noise.

THE GENTLEMAN [to the girl] [to the girl] Come, come! he cant touch you: you have a right to live where you please. Come, come! he cant touch you: you have a right to live where you please.

A SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [thrusting himself between the note taker and the gentleman] [thrusting himself between the note taker and the gentleman] Park Lane, for instance. Id like to go into the Housing Question with you, I would. Park Lane, for instance. Id like to go into the Housing Question with you, I would.

THE FLOWER GIRL [subsiding into a brooding melancholy over her basket, and talking very low-spiritedly to herself [subsiding into a brooding melancholy over her basket, and talking very low-spiritedly to herself] I'm a good girl, I am.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [not attendins [not attendins to her] Do you know where to her] Do you know where I I come from? come from?

THE NOTE TAKER [promptly] [promptly] Hoxton. Hoxton.

Titterings. Popular interest in the note Popular interest in the note taker's taker's performance increases. performance increases.

THE SARCASTIC ONE [amazed] [amazed] Well, who said I didnt? Bly me! Well, who said I didnt? Bly me!ge You know everything, you do. You know everything, you do.

THE FLOWER GIRL [still nursing her sense of injury] [still nursing her sense of injury] Aint no call to meddle with me, he aint. Aint no call to meddle with me, he aint.

THE BYSTANDER [to her] Of course he aint. Dont you stand it from him. [To the note taker] [To the note taker] See here: what call have you to know about people what never offered to meddle with you? Wheres your warrant? See here: what call have you to know about people what never offered to meddle with you? Wheres your warrant?

SEVERAL BYSTANDERS [encouraged by this seeming point of law] [encouraged by this seeming point of law] Yes: wheres your warrant? Yes: wheres your warrant?

THE FLOWER GIRL Let him say what he likes. I dont want to have no truck with him.

THE BYSTANDER You take us for dirt under your feet, dont you? Catch you taking liberties with a gentleman!

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER Yes: tell him where he come from if you want to go fortune-telling.

THE NOTE TAKER Cheltenham, Harrow, Cambridge, and India.

THE GENTLEMAN Quite right. [Great laughter. Reaction in the note taker's favor. Exclamations of [Great laughter. Reaction in the note taker's favor. Exclamations of He knows all about it. Told him proper. Hear him tell the toff where he come from? etc.]. May I ask, sir, do you do this for your living at a music hall? He knows all about it. Told him proper. Hear him tell the toff where he come from? etc.]. May I ask, sir, do you do this for your living at a music hall?4 THE NOTE TAKER Ive thought of that. Perhaps I shall some day.

The rain has stopped; and the persons on the outside of the crowd begin to drop off.

THE FLOWER GIRL [resenting the reaction] [resenting the reaction] Hes no gentleman, he aint, to interfere with a poor girl. Hes no gentleman, he aint, to interfere with a poor girl.

THE DAUGHTER [out of patience, pushing her way rudely to the front and displacing the gentleman, who politely retires to the other side of the pillar] [out of patience, pushing her way rudely to the front and displacing the gentleman, who politely retires to the other side of the pillar] What on earth is Freddy doing? I shall get pneumonia if I stay in this draught any longer. What on earth is Freddy doing? I shall get pneumonia if I stay in this draught any longer.

THE NOTE TAKER [to himself, hastily making a note of her pronunciation of "monia" [to himself, hastily making a note of her pronunciation of "monia"] Earlscourt.

THE DAUGHTER [violently] [violently] Will you please keep your impertinent remarks to yourself? Will you please keep your impertinent remarks to yourself?

THE NOTE TAKER Did I say that out loud? I didnt mean to. I beg your pardon. Your mother's Epsom, unmistake ably.

THE MOTHER (advancing between her daughter and the note taker] (advancing between her daughter and the note taker] How very curious! I was brought up in Largelady Park, near Epsom. How very curious! I was brought up in Largelady Park, near Epsom.

THE NOTE TAKER [uproariously [uproariously amused] Ha! ha! What a devil of a name! Excuse me. [To the daughter] You want a cab, do you? amused] Ha! ha! What a devil of a name! Excuse me. [To the daughter] You want a cab, do you?

THE DAUGHTER Dont dare speak to me.

THE MOTHER Oh, please, please Clara. [Her daughter repudiates her with an angry shrug and retires haughtily]. [Her daughter repudiates her with an angry shrug and retires haughtily]. We should be so grateful to you, sir, if you found us a cab. We should be so grateful to you, sir, if you found us a cab. [The note taker produces a whistle]. [The note taker produces a whistle]. Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you. [She joins her daughter [She joins her daughter ] ].

The note taker blows a piercing blast. a piercing blast.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER There! I knowed he was a plain-clothes copper.

THE BYSTANDER That aint a police whistle: thats a sporting whistle.

THE FLOWER GIRL [still preoccupied with her wounded feelings] [still preoccupied with her wounded feelings] Hes no right to take away my character. My character is the same to me as any lady's. Hes no right to take away my character. My character is the same to me as any lady's.

THE NOTE TAKER I dont know whether youve noticed it; but the rain stopped about two minutes ago.

THE BYSTANDER So it has. Why didnt you say so before? and us losing our time listening to your silliness. [He walks off towards walks off towards the the Strand]. Strand].

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER I can tell where you come from. You come from Anwell.gf Go back there. Go back there.

THE NOTE TAKER [helpfully] [helpfully] Hanwell. Hanwell.

THE SARCASTIC BYSTANDER [affecting great distinction of speech] [affecting great distinction of speech] Thenk you, teacher. Haw haw! So long Thenk you, teacher. Haw haw! So long [he touches his hat with mock respect and strolls off [he touches his hat with mock respect and strolls off].

THE FLOWER GIRL Frightening people like that! How would he like it himself.

THE MOTHER It's quite fine now, Clara. We can walk to a motor bus. Come. [She gathers her skirts above above her her ankles and ankles and hurries hurries off off] towards towards the the Strand]. Strand].

THE DAUGHTER But the cab-[her mother is out mother is out of hearing of hearing]. Oh, how tiresome! Oh, how tiresome! [She follows angrily]. [She follows angrily].

All the rest have gone except the note taker, the gentleman, and the flower girl, who sits arranging her basket, and still pitying herself in murmurs. murmurs.

THE FLOWER GIRL Poor girl! Hard enough for her to live without being worrited and chivied. gg gg THE GENTLEMAN [returning to his former place on the note taker's left] [returning to his former place on the note taker's left] How do you do it, if I may ask? How do you do it, if I may ask?

THE NOTE TAKER Simply phonetics. The science of speech. Thats my profession: also my hobby. Happy is the man who can make a living by his hobby! You can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue. I I can place any man within six miles. I can place him within two miles in London. Sometimes within two streets. can place any man within six miles. I can place him within two miles in London. Sometimes within two streets.

THE FLOWER GIRL Ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward!

THE GENTLEMAN But is there a living in that?

THE NOTE TAKER Oh yes. Quite a fat one. This is an age of upstarts. Men begin in Kentish Towngh with 80 a year, and end in Park Lane with a hundred thousand. They want to drop Kentish Town; but they give themselves away every time they open their mouths. Now I can teach them- with 80 a year, and end in Park Lane with a hundred thousand. They want to drop Kentish Town; but they give themselves away every time they open their mouths. Now I can teach them- THE FLOWER GIRL Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl- THE NOTE TAKER [explosively] Woman: cease this detestable boohooing instantly; or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship.

THE FLOWER GIRL [with feeble [with feeble defiance] Ive a right to be here if I like, same as you. defiance] Ive a right to be here if I like, same as you.

THE NOTE TAKER A woman who utters such depressing and disgusting sounds has no right to be anywhere-no right to live. Remember that you are a human being with a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech: that your native language is the language of Shakespear and Milton and The Bible; and dont sit there crooning like a biliousgi pigeon. pigeon.

THE FLOWER GIRL [quite overwhelmed, and looking up at him in mingled wonder and deprecation without daring to raise her head] [quite overwhelmed, and looking up at him in mingled wonder and deprecation without daring to raise her head] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo! Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo!

THE NOTE TAKER [whipping out his book] Heavens! what a sound! [He writes; writes; then holds out the book then holds out the book and and reads, reproducing her vowels exactly] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo! reads, reproducing her vowels exactly] Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-ow-oo!

THE FLOWER GIRL [tickled by the performance, and laughing in spite of herself] [tickled by the performance, and laughing in spite of herself] Garn! Garn!

THE NOTE TAKER You see this creature with her kerbstone English: the English that will keep her in the gutter to the end of her days. Well, sir, in three months I could pass that girl off as a duchess at an ambassador's garden party. I could even get her a place as lady's maid or shop assistant, which requires better English. Thats the sort of thing I do for commercial millionaires. And on the profits of it I do genuine scientific work in phonetics, and a little as a poet on Miltonic lines.

THE GENTLEMAN I am myself a student of Indian dialects; and- THE NOTE TAKER [eagerly] [eagerly] Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering, the author of Spoken Sanscrit? Are you? Do you know Colonel Pickering, the author of Spoken Sanscrit?

THE GENTLEMAN I am Colonel Pickering. Who are you?

THE NOTE TAKER Henry Higgins, author of Higgins's Universal Alphabet.

PICKERING [with enthusiasm] [with enthusiasm] I came from India to meet you. I came from India to meet you.

HIGGINS I was going to India to meet you.

PICKERING Where do you live?

HIGGINS 27AWimpole Street. Come and see me to-morrow.

PICKERING I'm at the Carlton. Come with me now and lets have a jaw over some supper.

HIGGINS Right you are.

THE FLOWER GIRL [to PICKERING, as he PICKERING, as he passes her] Buy a flower, kind gentleman. I'm short for my lodging. passes her] Buy a flower, kind gentleman. I'm short for my lodging.

PICKERING I really havnt any change. I'm sorry [he goes away]. [he goes away].