Caroline stilled her hand and moistened her lips. Oh, how she wished her sister were here for a chat over tea. She had so much to share with her. Trying to sort her thoughts, she dipped the quill again.

I feel a change, Sister. I loved Phillip and gave him my heart. Some might say that because Phillip died, my heart is mine to give again. But thinking about another man with affection feel foreing. And wonderful.

Do you think it wrong for me to want to love and be loved again?

31.

The memory of Anna's face the night before, wrought with fear and pain and then relief drove Caleb up the line of wagons toward the Goben camp.

The past several days had passed in a swirl of early morning chats with Anna, reports of thefts, Sunday supper with Anna, countless interruptions, river rescues, and pep talks. All since he'd made the decision to tell Anna the truth and all since he and Anna kissed on Saturday. Truth was, he was long overdue for another kiss.

He cared deeply for Anna despite his resolve not to. He might even have loved her. The problem was Anna's family depended on her for their well-being and there might not be a permanent place for him in her life. He admired her commitment to her mother and her grandfather, but it was wrong for them to expect so much of her.

Anna deserved a life of her own, of her choosing, regardless of what her mother decided to do with hers. Wilma Goben would either let yesterday's frightening river incident and his frank talk with her in the draw help her change her course, or she wouldn't.

Either way, he couldn't stand by and let Anna end up like Billy and the others in his squad-victims of his disastrous choices. Anna needed to know the truth about him, so she could see what her mother's bad habit could ... would do to her.

The campfire at the Gobens' wagon was abandoned. The yoke was empty. Anna's hammock was down, and breakfast things were set out on the table, so the women had to be close by. Caleb stood still, listening. He didn't hear any voices on the other side of the canvas, so perhaps Anna had stepped away for a moment.

A sudden groan drew him closer to the wagon.

"Anna?" Wilma's weak voice sounded a mile away. "Is that you, Anna?"

"No ma'am. It's Caleb Reger."

"Oh. I'm afraid I'm under the weather today." Another groan. "Do you see Anna?"

"No ma'am. I thought maybe she was in with you."

"I haven't seen her yet this morning. I can't blame her. I caused a lot of trouble yesterday."

"I heard you groaning. Are you in pain?"

"My head is pounding something fierce."

Caleb nodded as if she could see him through the canvas.

"What are you doing here?" Anna's voice behind him sounded as if she'd run into Skins, not a man she'd kissed just days ago. "My mother is still in bed."

Caleb turned. "Yes. I mean I knew she was still in the wagon." He swallowed. "I came to check on her. To see you."

Anna set a full bucket on the ground beneath the water barrel. "Now is not a good time." She wasn't looking at him.

"What's wrong? What happened?"

Her shoulders squared; her lips pressed together.

"Anna, I understand you being upset."

"You do?"

"Yes, of course I do." He took a step toward her. "You had a very trying day. And night."

"And now I have work to do." She backed away, still avoiding his gaze.

"I can help. Let me help."

"Not this time." Anna wiped her hands on her apron. "Please go."

"But-"

"Please."

"Very well. If that's what you truly want."

"It is."

His throat tightening, Caleb brushed the brim of his hat. "I'd ask the good doctor if he has any catnip herbs in his apothecary. Catnip tea might help your mother with her sick headache."

Her jaw set, Anna spun and walked to the box at the back of the wagon.

That was his answer. There was little chance he'd have a permanent place in Anna's life. She'd chosen to take the weight of her mother's bad habit on her shoulders. He couldn't compete with Anna's dogged determination to do what she deemed right by her family. He couldn't argue with Anna's need to fix her mother, to try to protect her. He'd watched his sister try to do the same for him.

But it wasn't his past that had come between him and Anna, it was her present.

"Anna," Mutter called.

Anna sighed. She wasn't in the mood for conversation. Not with Caleb Reger. Not with Mutter.

"Anna. Come here, please."

Against her will, if she had any, Anna climbed up the spokes of the wheel and knelt on the wagon seat. "What is it, Mutter?" She didn't bother to whisper. "Grovater will be back soon with the oxen, and I need to get his breakfast."

She looked through the puckered opening in the canvas. Mutter lay on her side in the hammock, holding her head. "Why were you so rude to Caleb? And after all the nice things he's done for us."

Tears stung Anna's eyes. She couldn't tell Mutter the truth-that she now wanted nothing to do with him because of his drinking. Why she still cared about Mutter's feelings after all the pain she'd caused, Anna couldn't say, but she did. Blinking back the tears, Anna stood. "I'm taking care of you and Grovater. Isn't that enough?"

Mutter groaned. "Don't you want more?"

She did. "Not with Caleb, I don't." Not anymore. "Now, while you rest, I'm going to see the doctor."

"Good morning, Anna." Captain Cowlishaw's voice came from behind her.

She wondered how long it would be before he showed up to revisit yesterday's happenings. She turned and climbed off the wagon.

"Good morning, Captain."

"You said you were going to see the doctor?"

"Yes. For some catnip for tea."

"You have a headache?"

"It's Mutter. After all the excitement yesterday-"

"Yes, I'll need to speak to her about that."

"I'm afraid she's not feeling well this morning."

He stepped up to the wheel and spoke into the canvas. "Ma'am, I need to have a word with you."

Anna raised her chin a notch. "My mother is still in her bed."

"It is official business, Anna. I must speak to her."

Her shoulders sagging, Anna nodded. Perhaps it was best they were turned around and sent packing. Not seeing Caleb every day wouldn't lessen the pain she felt, but it would make letting go of him easier.

"Mutter, you need to come out," Anna called.

Mutter groaned. "Give me a moment, Captain."

"Yes ma'am." He turned toward Anna. "If you'd like to go find the doctor, I can see to your mother."

"Yes. I will do that and return shortly." She'd done all she could for Mutter, and now it was time Mutter faced the consequences for her actions. If nothing else made a difference, perhaps confrontation by authority and the public humiliation that went along with it would.

When Anna returned to the wagon a few minutes later, Mutter sat on the seat alone, her head in her hands. Anna pulled a tin cup from the wagon box and filled it with steaming hot water from the kettle that hung over the campfire. While it steeped, she carried the cup to the wagon.

Mutter looked up, her eyes red and her cheeks wet with tears. "This is so hard."

Anna's breath caught. Was Mutter going to tell her they couldn't go on with the caravan; that she'd lost Anna's chance to go west with her friends? To start a new life there?

She set the cup on the seat and climbed up.

Mutter looked at her. "Did you see the doctor? Did he give you what Caleb said?"

"Yes." Anna picked up the cup and sat beside Mutter. "What did the Captain say?"

Mutter took the cup from her. "He wanted to know what happened to me yesterday. On the ferry."

"What did you tell him?"

Mutter took a sip from the cup and wrinkled her nose as she swallowed. "I told him I lost my balance."

Anna sighed.

"Then I told him I was frightened to cross the river and that I took a little whiskey to settle my nerves."

"You did?"

"Yes." Mutter drank more of the headache remedy. "But he already knew I'd been drinking."

"What else did he say?"

"That he couldn't allow me to put the whole company at risk because of my reckless behavior."

Anna's chest tightened. "We have to turn around, go back to Saint Charles, don't we?"

Mutter huffed. "No, dear. All the captain said was that if I take another drink of alcohol, we will have to leave the caravan." She drained the cup and looked at her. "Is that what you want? Do you want to turn around?"

"No." Anna shrugged. "I don't know what I want."

"That was apparent when you chased that nice young man off with your foul mood."

"Never mind that." Anna drew in a deep breath. "Did you tell the captain about Caleb?"

"No, dear. That's not my place."

"But you told me."

"I only told you because you are my daughter, and you have feelings for him."

Feelings she now had to deny. For her own sake.

32.

Friday morning, under the coral ribbons of dawn, Anna rolled her hammock and tucked it into the wagon. Mutter sat on a trunk wearing a fresh dress. Looking uncharacteristically peaceful, she pulled a brush through her hair.

"Mutter?"

She turned toward the opening and smiled at Anna. "Good morning, dear."

"You're out of bed?"