CHAPTER XXI

THE TRUTH ABOUT WOMEN THAT n.o.bODY TELLS

(_Extracts from Penelope's Diary_)

_Two Years Later._

A woman who has been saved, as I have been, from a fate worse than death must be grateful, and ready to show her grat.i.tude by helping others, especially other women. I have a message of hope for those who have heard the Voices, for those who have gone down into the Black Valley, where I was--_they can come back into the sunshine of happiness. The powers of Light are stronger than the powers of Darkness, and Love conquers Fear always in those who cleanse their souls of evil._

And I have a warning for thousands and tens of thousands of women who have not yet glimpsed the Gates of Despair, but are drifting towards them and will surely pa.s.s through them, as I did, unless they understand the perils that surround and beset their lives.

With my husband's a.s.sistance and approval, I have selected from my diary parts that bear on the emotional problems of women today. Christopher says I have told the truth about women that n.o.body tells, and he wants me to make it known, so that others, being enlightened, may avoid the mistakes I made and be spared the consequences of these mistakes. Dear Chris! His judgment encourages me, and yet--

How fully shall I speak, so that my words may do good, not harm?

I can only have faith in my honesty of purpose, and hold to my belief that, in spite of my limitations, I have a message to deliver that will be helpful. Yes, I must deliver this message. G.o.d will not allow so sincere a motive to fail. Perhaps the reason for all my sufferings and mistakes, the reason for my existence was that I should deliver this message.

ARE CERTAIN WOMEN PREDESTINED TO UNHAPPINESS THROUGH THE INFLUENCE OF THE STARS?

Soon after my deliverance from evil, Seraphine cast my horoscope (I wonder why she never did this before?), and now much that was previously inexplicable in my life is made clear to me. She says that astrology is not a cheap form of trickery, but a recognized field of knowledge and investigation.

From the earliest times wise men have emphasized the influence of the stars upon human lives--for good or ill. I like to believe this. It gives one a broader and more charitable view of one's fellow creatures, of their sins and weaknesses, to realize the presence about us of these vast and mysterious forces.

My horoscope, with its queer phraseology, reads:

"Your Neptune is in evil aspect to your Venus, which makes you attract men almost irresistibly."

This was the case, Seraphine says, with Georges Sand, George Eliot and various women in history who were the favorites of kings, although some of them had little beauty. They were dowered, however, with this terrific magnetism for the opposite s.e.x.

I remember, even as a school girl, how the boys used to fight over me, while they scarcely noticed prettier and brighter girls. I never understood this, any more than they did, for I was rather indifferent to them. There was one girl in our set who attracted the boys as much as I did, but she was also drawn to them. When this girl was about eighteen her father began to receive anonymous notes telling of his daughter's escapades and warning him to guard her more carefully. Finally there came an open scandal when the girl ran away with a married man. At the time I thought myself a better and stronger character than she, since I resisted temptation, but my horoscope shows that I had "in beneficent aspect" certain planets that were "evilly aspected" for my friend, and this made her temptations greater than mine.

Seraphine says that the horoscope, wisely used, is like an automobile light in the darkness--it reveals dangers in the road that may be avoided. "_The stars incline, but do not compel_," she always tells her clients and a.s.sures them that, by power of the will, we can overcome any influence of the stars, strengthening the good and weakening the evil aspects. That is a blessed thought.

When I was a trained nurse I received many confidences from women and some confessions of an intimate nature. At one time I took care of a married woman in Washington, a neurasthenic case, and this woman told me that she had several times tried to kill herself because of a curse that seemed to be hanging over her. Twice, following an irresistible impulse, she had left her husband with another man for whom she had no particular affection. It was a kind of recurrent madness which she did not understand except that _she was positive that it had something to do with the phases of the moon_. During about ten days of the month when the moon was "dark," she was perfectly normal, but when a new moon appeared she was conscious of a vague uneasiness that increased and finally became acute when the moon was full, this being her time of peril.

Venus in conjunction with Mars, Seraphine says, brings love at first sight, but in evil aspect to Mars it makes one liable to s.e.x-excesses.

She says that a good Neptune in the 5th house, the house of Romance, or in the 7th house, the house of Marriage, brings an ideal and spiritual attachment; but in evil aspect in either of these houses it brings an immoral relationship or a marriage to one who is morally or physically deformed. This was the condition in my own horoscope and certainly poor Julian was deformed morally.

What a strange and fascinating light all this throws upon human behavior! How it clears up mysterious infatuations and explains incredible follies! Seraphine knows a woman of fifty--she is a grandmother and a most estimable person--who has always had and still has this power of attracting men violently to her. On one occasion this woman was in a railway station in New York, waiting for her son, when a fine looking man approached her and, lifting his hat, asked if she could direct him to the train that would soon leave for Chicago. She told him in her well-bred way, and he left her; but a few minutes later he returned and said with intense feeling that he had never believed in love at first sight, but now he did. He was compelled to believe in it now.

When she drew back he told her that he was a widower, a man of means, living in the West, that he could give her the best references and--the point was that his infatuation for her was so great that he begged her to consider whether she would be willing to marry him. He would do everything in his power to make her happy, but declared that he could not and would not try to live without her another day.

Knowing her horoscope the woman did not get angry at this presumption, but gently declined the offer, and begged the man to leave her. He bowed and withdrew, but came back once again after she had joined her son and explained to the astonished young man his hopes and aspirations toward the mother. Whereupon, as the woman still refused, he finally left, to all appearances broken-hearted.

I have had one experience of this sort myself that shows how even the n.o.blest man may suddenly suffer an infatuation capable of sweeping him on to disaster. It was at the time of my husband's death--during days when he lay half conscious in the hospital following his automobile accident. A distinguished clergyman, Dr. B----, who had known Julian slightly, visited him here and in this way made my acquaintance. And he fell violently in love with me.

For months during my early widowhood he saw me almost every day and wrote me impa.s.sioned letters, declaring that I was the only woman in the world for him, I was his true mate, he could not live without me, he was ready to give up everything for me, to go away with me to some distant city--any city--and begin life all over again.

This clergyman was a man of fifty, a brilliant preacher, widely honored and loved, who had never in his life, he a.s.sured me, committed any deliberately sinful act such as this would be, for he was married to a fine woman who had been his faithful companion for many years and had borne him two children--two boys. All this he was ready to renounce for me--reputation, honor, duty. He said it was fate. His desire for me was too strong to be resisted. The sin, the disgrace, the pain that he would cause--none of these could keep back this man of G.o.d from his evil purpose.

ARE WOMEN DISLOYAL TO OTHER WOMEN?

In many pages of my diary (written sincerely at the time) I present the conventional view of s.e.x offences, the comforting view to women.

_But--_

When I search deep into my soul with an honest desire to find the truth, I am not sure that women are as blameless in the s.e.x struggle with men as I would like to believe. Very often they are less pursued than pursuing. Every man of the world can recall the cases where women have played the role of temptress, using their charms against unwilling victims, notably husbands of other women. _I am afraid the rule is that women are disloyal to other women where there is any serious emotional conflict._

The editor of a popular magazine told me once about a prize contest that they had for the best essay on a woman's s.e.x solidarity union--they called it the W.S.S.U. The idea was that if women would stand together against men they could get anything in the world they wanted--equal rights and privileges, equal wages, fair treatment in every department of life; and do away with evils of ignorance and poverty, child labor evils, prost.i.tution evils. We could have an ideal world if women, using their s.e.x power, would only stand together against men.

Hundreds of letters were received from women, who thought this a wonderful idea; but they all agreed that it was impossible to carry it out, because women would never be loyal to one another.

That is true; I know it, and every woman knows it--women are disloyal to other women whenever it becomes a question of men. They might agree on a W.S.S.U. program, but they would never stick to it, poor things, because every blessed one of them who was at all good looking would be ready to go over to the opposition at the first favorable opportunity. Only the homely women would be loyal!

ARE WOMEN GREATER HYPOCRITES THAN MEN?

In all my troubles I kept at least to the form of religious belief, although I missed the substance, namely, that any life can be made happy, even glorious, if it is founded on purity of soul and unselfish love and service. I was selfish--even in my love; therefore I brought upon myself the fruits of selfishness which are ill health, inefficiency and unhappiness. _The beauty of a selfish woman fades quickly._

Once I wrote this in my diary:

"Alas, how soon love pa.s.ses! Ten or fifteen years and the best of it is gone. After that the dregs! A woman of thirty! Ugh! I shall be thirty next year. A woman of forty! No wrinkles at forty, says the beauty advertis.e.m.e.nt, but that is a lie. A woman of forty is a pitiful, tragic figure, especially if she is a little beautiful. No man wants her any more."

I was mistaken. The beauty of unselfish love never pa.s.ses. There are sisters of charity whose faces are exquisitely beautiful at fifty.

Seraphine is forty-five and her face shines with heavenly radiance. Her skin is as smooth as a girl's and free from lines because she thinks good thoughts and does kind acts. The greatest beauty tonic in the world is the habit of kindness.

In one place I find this:

"Women are naturally religious, especially women with a strong s.e.x nature; they believe in G.o.d, in spiritual mysteries; they are deeply stirred by religious music and by the ritual of worship; they love the architectural impressiveness of a church, the stained gla.s.s windows far up among majestic arches, the candles, the incense, the far-away chanting.

"I was brought up an Episcopalian, but when I am tired or discouraged I often go into St. Patrick's Cathedral--it is so beautiful--and say my prayers there. At any hour I find others praying, men and women--they come in off Fifth Avenue quite naturally and cross themselves and bow to the Altar and kneel straight up--they don't just lean forward the way we do. I love to imitate them--cross myself and go down on one knee and dip my fingers in the font of Holy Water as I come away. _Sometimes I wish I was a Catholic and could confess my sins. It might help me._

"I do not think religion keeps women back very much from doing what they want to do or have resolved to do in love affairs. It is a comfort, an emotional satisfaction rather than a restraint. They come tripping in on their high heels with all their smiles and finery, and they trip out again, unchanged in their sentimental natures. A woman will go to church in the afternoon and flirt with another woman's husband in the evening.

She will respond devoutly after the Commandments 'Lord have mercy upon us, and incline our hearts to keep this law,' even though she knows that her heart is inclined to break one of these laws."

This is true in the main, although I believe now that women, because they are highly emotional, are sincere for the moment when they kneel down to say their prayers and confess their sins, even if they half know that they may continue in wrong-doing. I suppose women are less logical here than men who will often stay away from church entirely when they are breaking the moral law and when they know that they intend to go on breaking it. I am sure it is better, however, for men and women to go to church, even at the risk of a little hypocrisy, than not to go at all.

ARE WOMEN DISINGENUOUS IN SENTIMENTAL AFFAIRS?

I suppose we must admit that there are many women, in all cla.s.ses of society--not mercenary women--who extend to men a certain measure of s.e.x complaisance and feel no deep regret for this behavior, so long as things go well.