'May I be allowed to say Grace?' asked Auriel, dropping her voice dramatically.

'I wouldn't,' said Chessie. 'It's not an awfully popular word round here.'

Dinner was out of this world. Chessie had retained all her old skills. Not feeling hungry herself, she was only too happy to give up her smoked salmon to Auriel, but incensed that Red took one bite, and, dropping his fork, promptly lit a yellow Sobranie.

Bibi was still on the telephone, the b.i.t.c.h. If she was trying to get off with Ricky, there was no way Chessie was going to allow her to get off with Angel too. Turning her languorous, blue eyes towards him, she asked if he'd telephoned his family today.

'I did,' said Angel, who had finished his smoked salmon and was looking at Red's discarded helping as longingly as the orange stable cat who had jumped on to the table.

'That cat's been trying to get at the goose all day,' said Chessie, putting it back on the floor.

'Cat?' said Angel, clutching his smooth brown forehead. 'That is "cat" in American?' Then he started to laugh. 'Zat is why I am so late. Of course it is gatto too. In Argentina we have the same word gatto gatto for a jack. I 'ave my flat tyre on the freeway, I look up for a jack. I 'ave my flat tyre on the freeway, I look up gatto gatto in the dictionary, it say "cat". I keep stopping drivers, and ask them if they have a cat in their car. They drive on as eef I am crazy man. My English is not very well, but I am learning it more better by Phoney-Lingus.' in the dictionary, it say "cat". I keep stopping drivers, and ask them if they have a cat in their car. They drive on as eef I am crazy man. My English is not very well, but I am learning it more better by Phoney-Lingus.'

'That's my husband's perversion,' said Chessie. She is beautiful, thought Angel, and so sweet. 'What part of America you come from?' he asked. 'I'm English.'

Suddenly wild-eyed and distraught, Angel rose to his feet: 'Luke didn't tell me.'

Chessie put a hand on his arm. 'You've forgiven Perdita. Can't you forgive me? I'm sorry about your brother. You must miss him dreadfully, particularly at Christmas. It was a horrible war.'

She was so beautiful, thought Angel, sitting down again, he could forgive her anything.

'This is wonderful food,' he said as Bibi floated back into the room, oblivious of black glances from Perdita and Chessie.

'Who she talking to?' asked Angel.

'My ex,' said Chessie bitterly.

'El Orgulloso?' said Angel in disbelief. 'He not interested in ugly cow like that. She look like an 'orse, and not a very pretty one.' said Angel in disbelief. 'He not interested in ugly cow like that. She look like an 'orse, and not a very pretty one.'

'Ricky likes horses better than anything else. Perhaps that's the attraction.'

Looking down the table, seeing his dramatically under-handicapped ringer mauling his wife, Bart toyed with the idea of sacking Angel on the spot, but, having played practice chukkas with him yesterday, decided he was too good to kick out so early in the season. Used to calling the conversational shots, he had to confess himself beaten by Auriel as she regaled him with stories of famous movie stars she knew - namely, herself.

Bibi, having also left her mousse, was b.i.t.c.hing to Red in French about the dishonesty of Miguel and Juan. 'They'd installed four boarders at the barn and were charging them $800 each a month - straight into their own pockets.'

'And the reason Juan came back for the Geldof match was to charge Dad expenses for s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g Sharon Kaputnik,' answered Red, also in French.

'This one doesn't seem much better,' added Bibi dismissively. 'The way he's mauling Chessie, he's just another jumped-up gigolo.'

Whereupon Angel b.u.t.ted in in perfect French.

'I have never asked money for my s.e.xual services,' he told Bibi coldly and turned back to Chessie.

Red was highly amused; Bibi went scarlet. Angel needed putting down, but not like that.

The goose was even better than the smoked salmon.

'This turkey is simply delicious, Francesca,' said Auriel, feeding large slices to the slavering Yorkshire terriers. 'The white meat is so subtly flavoured.'

'I used truffles under the skin,' said Chessie, grateful for any praise. 'Ricky's father used to p.r.o.nounce it Truefles,' she added idly.

'True was the one thing you weren't to Ricky,' said Red nastily.

'It's all awesome, Chessie,' said Luke, who was eating a lot, despite not being hungry.

Bart was off the telephone to Sydney at last.

'To my beautiful and gifted wife,' he said raising his gla.s.s.

'To the second Mrs Alderton,' said Red, draining his gla.s.s.

'Yes - to Mom,' agreed Bibi.

They had a pause before pudding.

'I'm gonna make a full-scale a.s.sault on American Airlines,' Bart told Auriel.

'My agent says I'm his favourite client,' said Auriel. 'He's closing a deal with a really good author to write a book on the Auriel Kingham Phenomenon.'

'Seeking control of the company,' went on Bart.

'I'd like to write my own autobiography, but I don't have the time,' went on Auriel.

'By November I'd purchased nearly five per cent of American Airplanes. Do I hold on to the stock as investment, do I go for control of the company?' went on Bart.

'Dustin says he can't wait to make a movie with me,' confided Auriel, 'about a beautiful sophisticated woman whose son's college friend falls madly in love with her.'

'Or do I sell out for a nice profit?' asked Bart.

'Traditionally, older men have always married younger women, right, like you and Francesca. But getting it on with younger guys is definitely a thing of the future,' said Auriel.

Bart forgot about American Airplanes. 'Red needs sons,' he said brusquely.

Auriel smiled warmly into Bart's eyes. 'That's ungallant, Mr Alderton. What makes you think I couldn't give them to him? Why, the bellboy in the elevator this very morning was saying, "You don't look a day over twenty-five, Miss Kingham."'

'I wonder if I ought to get my face elevated,' said Chessie, examining herself in her spoon.

Angel, who normally hardly drank, got very giggly. 'Just looking at you geeves me zee duck b.u.mps,' he told Chessie.

How dare he flirt so blatantly in front of Dad, thought Bibi. Looking at her stepmother, luminous skin like ivory in the candlelight, one beautiful bare shoulder so close to Angel's lips, her hatred bubbled over. Look at thoseemeralds glittering like drops of crme de menthe. crme de menthe. The new dinner service must have cost a fortune not to mention the blue silk dress. She was sure it was Ungaro. Chessie was fleecing Bart as she had fleeced Ricky. She was like bindweed that delicately but lethally winds itself round a delphinium until it snaps. The new dinner service must have cost a fortune not to mention the blue silk dress. She was sure it was Ungaro. Chessie was fleecing Bart as she had fleeced Ricky. She was like bindweed that delicately but lethally winds itself round a delphinium until it snaps.

'This Barsac is truly amazing,' said Auriel, a.s.suming Bart had chosen it. 'You have as much a taste for fine wines as fine pictures.'

'It is good,' said Bart. Ninety-four years old in fact.' 'Older than both your ages put together, fancy that,' said Chessie from the other end of the table.

Red's eyes slid towards Perdita. 'Nice, isn't she?' Perdita shrugged. 'Auriel's jolly boring. What d'you see in her?'

'Very good in bed,' said Red, picking up one of the polo ponies pulling Father Christmas's sleigh and mounting it on the pony in front. 'I'm learning a lot. You can never be too good in bed.' He let his eyes run over her body. 'The better you are the more you can manipulate people and I'm very expensive.'

'But you're rich,' said Perdita, admiring his flawless cheekbones.

'Ten million? That's just a piece of chicken s.h.i.t.' Perdita giggled in disbelief.

'To exist here you need at least a hundred million,' said Red.

'You're quite different from Luke.'

'Sure,' said Red. 'I have no principles at all.'

Bart came off the telephone from Tokyo again.

'Now we can have pudding,' said Chessie coldly.

'Sorry, honey. You can keep the phone.' Bart put the receiver down on the table beside her. Immediately the other telephone rang.

'Sydney again, Dad,' said Bibi.

'Jesus Christ,' said Chessie. 'Shut up, you utterly b.l.o.o.d.y thing,' she added hysterically as the first telephone started to ring again. Furiously she s.n.a.t.c.hed it up.

'Go away!' Then, suddenly, in the candlelight her face lost all its expression.

'Hi,' she drawled. 'Did you ring here about two hours ago?' It was as though a huge thorn had been tugged out of her side. 'I thought not,' she smiled luxuriously at Bibi who had turned an ugly maroon.

Ricky, having mindlessly sat through Down and Out Down and Out in Beverly Hills in Beverly Hills three times surrounded by other lonely people, was now at a party in Beverly Hills surrounded by blondes, but lonely as one can only be at Christmas. Ringing on the flimsy pretext of finding out how Perdita was getting on, ready to hang up if he got Bart, he had come through to the only blonde he had ever loved. three times surrounded by other lonely people, was now at a party in Beverly Hills surrounded by blondes, but lonely as one can only be at Christmas. Ringing on the flimsy pretext of finding out how Perdita was getting on, ready to hang up if he got Bart, he had come through to the only blonde he had ever loved.

'How are you?' asked Chessie.

'OK,' said Ricky flatly. Then he was almost sobbing, 'No, I'm f-f-f-ucking not. I m-miss you.'

'Me too.'

'Are you coming to England this summer?'

'Yes.'

'Can I see you?'

'Of course, whenever.'

Then, aware Luke and Bibi were listening: 'She's fine. I'll pa.s.s you on to her. Perdita - it's Ricky.'

Perdita turned away from Red like a dog who hears the crunch of his master's car on the drive. 'He's rung to talk to me?' she stammered.

'No-one but you,' lied Chessie.

Shooting round the table, Perdita picked up the cordless telephone like a baton in a relay race and hurtled into the night.

Outside the frogs stepped up their croaking.

'What a pity you can't kiss one of those frogs and turn it into a prince, Bibi,' drawled Chessie. 'It might make you less bad-tempered. Ricky said he definitely didn't ring earlier.'

Perdita came back ten minutes later so insulated with happiness she put the glittering blue Christmas tree in the shade.

'Ricky was on terrific form, really, really cheerful. Palm Springs must have done him so much good, he can't wait till next season, nor can I. I can't wait to get Spotty and Tero home.'

Luke suddenly looked grey and exhausted.

'Don't worry,' said Chessie softly, running a hand down his cheek. 'You're much nicer than any of them. Perdita'll realize it one day.'

With everyone on diets for the polo season, Chessie had decided against Christmas pudding or hard sauce or pecan pie, and then irrationally settled for something far more fattening: sweetened whipped cream shaped like a polo ball, rolled in melted chocolate, and then coated in coconut.

'Oh, how darling,' said Auriel. 'Chessie must have known it was your favourite dessert, Red. They always make it for him at the club.'

'No, it isn't,' snapped Red. 'Suddenly I feel sick.' 'Oh, poor baby,' Auriel was all concern. 'I better take you home.'

The smaller of the Yorkshire terriers was sick.

Chessie flushed. 'I should have forgotten you weren't on solid foods yet, Red, and provided you with a bottle of Cow and Gate.' Then turning, spitting with rage, to Auriel: 'It must be such a drag picking him up from play-group every day. Don't forget to put the baby alarm on when he goes to sleep tonight. Revolting little toyboy.'

Auriel, however, oblivious of the sniping and able to forgive a potential customer, was telling a deliriously happy Perdita about her new range.

'You were saying you couldn't wear a dress because of the bruises. In my range we've invented a cream which completely disguises them. I'll mail you some.'

'You ought to send some to Chessie,' drawled Red. 'Then she could use it on her a.s.s - Mrs Regularly Beaten.' There was a shocked pause.

'Pack it in,' snapped Luke.

'What are you talking about?' stammered Chessie.

'Your little hang-up,' said Red, 'about having pain before pleasure. We've all heard smacks and screams coming from your bedroom.'

He got no further. Seizing him by the collar, Bart had hauled him to his feet.

'Don't you speak to Chessie like that,' he bellowed. 'I won't KO you, I'd probably kill you. But you get out of my house - now.'

The gla.s.ses jangled, the rafters shook. Leroy shot trembling under the table. The second Yorkshire terrier was sick.

'Don't touch him,' screamed Auriel.

'I'm only stating facts,' said Red laughing as he drifted towards the door. 'Truth shouldn't hurt - anyway I thought that was what turned Chessie on.'

'Get out,' yelled Bart, 'and you can forget about playing on my team in England this summer until you learn some manners.'

37.