The last word p.r.i.c.ked him like a pin, An'--wal, he up and kist her.

When Ma bimeby upon 'em slips, Huldy sot pale ez ashes, All kind o' smily round the lips An' teary round the lashes.

Her blood riz quick, though, like the tide Down to the Bay o' Fundy, An' all I know is they wuz cried In meetin', come nex Sunday.

Satis multis sese emptores futuros libri professis, Georgius Nichols, Cantabrigiensis, opus emittet de parte gravi sed adhuc neglecta historiae naturalis, c.u.m t.i.tulo sequenti, videlicet:

_Conatus ad Delineationem naturalem nonnihil perfectiorem Scarabi Bombilatoris, vulgo dicti_

Humbug

, ab

Homero Wilbur

, Artium Magistro, Societatis historico-naturalis Jaalamensis Praeside, (Secretario, Socioque (eheu!) singulo,) multarumque aliarum Societatum eruditarum (sive ineruditarum) tarn domesticarum quam transmarinarum Socio--forsitan futuro.

PROEMIUM.

Lectori Benevolo S.

Toga scholastica nondum deposita, quum systemata varia entomologica, a viris ejus scientiae cultoribus studiosissimis summa diligentia aedificata, penitus indaga.s.sem, non fuit quin luctuose omnibus in iis, quamvis aliter laude dignissimis, hiatum magni momenti perciperem. Tunc, nescio quo motu superiore impulsus, aut qua captus dulcedine operis, ad eum implendum (Curtius alter) me solemniter devovi. Nec ab isto labore, da?????? imposito, abstinui antequam tractatulum sufficienter inconcinnum lingua vernacula perfeceram. Inde, juveniliter tumefactus, et barathro ineptiae t?? ????p???? (necnon "Publici Legentis") nusquam explorato, me composuisse quod quasi placentas praefervidas (ut sic dicam) homines ingurgitarent credidi. Sed, quum huic et alio bibliopolae MSS. mea submisissem et nihil solidius responsione valde negativa in Musaeum meum retulissem, horror ingens atque misericordia, ob cra.s.situdinem Lambertianam in cerebris homunculorum istius muneris clesti quadam ira infixam, me invasere. Extemplo mei solius impensis librum edere decrevi, nihil omnino dubitans quin "Mundus Scientificus"

(ut aiunt) crumenam meam ampliter repleret. Nullam, attamen, ex agro illo meo parvulo segetem demessui, praeter gaudium vacuum bene de Republica merendi. Iste panis meus pretiosus super aquas literarias faeculentas praefidenter jactus, quasi Harpyiarum quarundam (scilicet bibliopolarum istorum facinorosorum supradictorum) tactu rancidus, intra perpaucos dies mihi domum rediit. Et, quum ipse tali victu ali non tolerarem, primum in mentem venit pistori (typographo nempe) nihilominus solvendum esse. Animum non idcirco demisi, imo aeque ac pueri naviculas suas penes se lino retinent (eo ut e recto cursu delapsas ad ripam retrahant), sic ego Argo meam chartaceam fluctibus laborantem a quaesitu velleris aurei, ipse potius tonsus pelleque exutus, mente solida revocavi. Metaphoram ut mutem, _boomarangam_ meam a scopo aberrantem retraxi, dum majore vi, occasione ministrante, adversus Fortunam intorquerem. Ast mihi, talia volventi, et, sicut Saturnus ille pa?d?????, liberos intellectus mei depascere fidenti, casus miserandus, nec antea inauditus, supervenit. Nam, ut ferunt Scythas pietatis causa et parsimoniae, parentes suos mortuos devora.s.se, sic filius hic meus primogenitus, Scythis ipsis minus mansuetus, patrem vivum totum et calcitrantem exsorbere enixus est. Nec tamen hac de causa sobolem meam esurientem exheredavi. Sed famem istam pro valido testimonio virilitatis roborisque potius habui, cib.u.mque ad eam satiandam, salva paterna mea carne, petii. Et quia bilem illam scaturientem ad aes etiam concoquendum idoneam esse estimabam, unde aes alienum, ut minoris pretii, haberem, circ.u.mspexi. Rebus ita se habentibus, ab avunculo meo Johanne Doolittle, Armigero, impetravi ut pecunias necessarias suppeditaret, ne opus esset mihi universitatem relinquendi antequam ad gradum primum in artibus pervenissem. Tunc ego, salvum facere patronum meum munific.u.m maxime cupiens, omnes libros primae editionis operis mei non venditos una c.u.m privilegio in omne aevum ejusdem imprimendi et edendi avunculo meo dicto pigneravi. Ex illo die, atro lapide notando, curae vociferantes familiae singulis annis crescentis eo usque insultabant ut nunquam tam carum pignus e vinculis istis aheneis solvere possem.

Avunculo vero nuper mortuo, quum inter alios consanguineos testamenti ejus lectionem audiendi causa advenissem, erectis auribus verba talia sequentia accepi:--"Quoniam persuasum habeo meum dilectum nepotem Homerum, longa et intima rerum angustarum domi experientia, aptissimum esse qui divitias tueatur, beneficenterque ac prudenter iis divinis creditis utatur,--ergo, motus hisce cogitationibus, exque amore meo in ilium magno, do, legoque nepoti caro meo supranominato omnes singularesque istas possessiones nec ponderabiles nec computabiles meas quae sequuntur, scilicet: quingentos libros quos mihi pigneravit dictus Homerus, anno lucis 1792, c.u.m privilegio edendi et repetendi opus istud 'scientific.u.m' (quod dic.u.n.t) suum, si sic elegerit. Tamen D. O. M.

precor oculos Homeri nepotis mei ita aperiat eumque moveat, ut libros istos in bibliotheca unius e plurimis castellis suis Hispaniensibus tuto abscondat."

His verbis (vix credibilibus) auditis, cor meum in pectore exsultavit.

Deinde, quoniam tractatus Anglice scriptus spem auctoris fefellerat, quippe quum studium Historiae Naturalis in Republica nostra inter factionis strepitum languescat, Latine versum edere statui, et eo potius quia nescio quomodo disciplina academica et duo diplomata proficiant, nisi quod peritos linguarum omnino mortuarum (et d.a.m.nandarum, ut dicebat iste pa??????? Gulielmus Cobbett) nos faciant.

Et mihi adhuc superstes est tota ilia editio prima, quam quasi crepitaculum per quod dentes caninos dentibam retineo.

OPERIS SPECIMEN.

(_Ad exemplum Johannis Physiophili speciminis Monachologiae._)

12. S. B. _Militaris_,

Wilbur

. _Carnifex_,

Jablonsk

. _Profa.n.u.s_,

Desfont

.

[Male hancce speciem _Cyclopem_ Fabricius vocat, ut qui singulo oculo ad quod sui interest distinguitur. Melius vero Isaacus Outis nullum inter S. milit. S. que Belzebul (Fabric. 152) discrimen esse defendit.]

Habitat civitat. Americ. austral.

Aureis lineis splendidus; plerumque tamen sordidus, utpote lanienas valde frequentans, ftore sanguinis allectus. Amat quoque insuper septa apricari, neque inde, nisi maxima conatione, detruditur. _Candidatus_ ergo populariter vocatus. Caput cristam quasi pennarum ostendit. Pro cibo vaccam publicam callide mulget; abdomen enorme; facultas suctus haud facile estimanda. Otiosus, fatuus; ferox nihilominus, semperque dimicare paratus. Tortuose repit.

Capite saepe maxima c.u.m cura dissecto, ne illud rudimentum etiam cerebri commune omnibus prope insectis detegere poteram.

Unam de hoc S. milit. rem singularem notavi; Nam S. Guineens. (Fabric.

143) servos facit, et idcirco a multis summa in reverentia habitus, quasi scintillas rationis paene humanae demonstrans.

24. S. B. _Criticus_,

Wilbur

. _Zoilus_,

Fabric

. _Pigmaeus_,

Carlsen

.

[Stultissime Johannes Stryx c.u.m S. punctato (Fabric. 64-109) confundit.

Specimina quamplurima scrutationi microscopicae subjeci, nunquam tamen unum ulla indicia puncti cujusvis prorsus ostendentem inveni.]

Praecipue formidolosus, insectatusque, in proxima rima anonyma sese abscondit, _we, we_, creberrime stridens. Ineptus, segnipes.

Habitat ubique gentium; in sicco; nidum suum terebratione indefessa aedificans. Cibus. Libros depascit; siccos praecipue.

_MELIBUS-HIPPONAX._

THE

Biglow Papers

,

EDITED

WITH AN INTRODUCTION, NOTES, GLOSSARY, AND COPIOUS INDEX,

BY

HOMER WILBUR, A.M.,

PASTOR OF THE FIRST CHURCH IN JAALAM, AND (PROSPECTIVE) MEMBER OF MANY LITERARY, LEARNED AND SCIENTIFIC SOCIETIES,

(_for which see page 372._)

The ploughman's whistle, or the trivial flute, Finds more respect than great Apollo's lute.

_Quarles's Emblems_, b. ii. e. 8.

Margaritas, munde porcine, calcasti: en, siliquas accipe.

_Jac. Car. Fil. ad Pub. Leg._ -- 1.

NOTE TO t.i.tLE-PAGE.

It will not have escaped the attentive eye, that I have, on the t.i.tle-page, omitted those honorary appendages to the editorial name which not only add greatly to the value of every book, but whet and exacerbate the appet.i.te of the reader. For not only does he surmise that an honorary membership of literary and scientific societies implies a certain amount of necessary distinction on the part of the recipient of such decorations, but he is willing to trust himself more entirely to an author who writes under the fearful responsibility of involving the reputation of such bodies as the _S. Archl. Dahom._, or the _Acad.

Lit. et Scient. Kamtschat._ I cannot but think that the early editions of Shakspeare and Milton would have met with more rapid and general acceptance, but for the barrenness of their respective t.i.tle-pages; and I believe, that, even now, a publisher of the works of either of those justly distinguished men would find his account in procuring their admission to the membership of learned bodies on the Continent,--a proceeding no whit more incongruous than the reversal of the judgment against Socrates, when he was already more than twenty centuries beyond the reach of antidotes, and when his memory had acquired a deserved respectability. I conceive that it was a feeling of the importance of this precaution which induced Mr. Locke to style himself "Gent." on the t.i.tle-page of his Essay, as who should say to his readers that they could receive his metaphysics on the honor of a gentleman.

Nevertheless, finding that, without descending to a smaller size of type than would have been compatible with the dignity of the several societies to be named, I could not compress my intended list within the limits of a single page, and thinking, moreover, that the act would carry with it an air of decorous modesty, I have chosen to take the reader aside, as it were, into my private closet, and there not only exhibit to him the diplomas which I already possess, but also to furnish him with a prophetic vision of those which I may, without undue presumption, hope for, as not beyond the reach of human ambition and attainment. And I am the rather induced to this from the fact, that my name has been unaccountably dropped from the last triennial catalogue of our beloved _Alma Mater_. Whether this is to be attributed to the difficulty of Latinizing any of those honorary adjuncts (with a complete list of which I took care to furnish the proper persons nearly a year beforehand), or whether it had its origin in any more culpable motives, I forbear to consider in this place, the matter being in course of painful investigation. But, however this may be, I felt the omission the more keenly, as I had, in expectation of the new catalogue, enriched the library of the Jaalam Athenaeum with the old one then in my possession, by which means it has come about that my children will be deprived of a never-wearying winter evening's amus.e.m.e.nt in looking out the name of their parent in that distinguished roll. Those harmless innocents had at least committed no--but I forbear, having intrusted my reflections and animadversions on this painful topic to the safe-keeping of my private diary, intended for posthumous publication. I state this fact here, in order that certain nameless individuals, who are, perhaps, overmuch congratulating themselves on my silence, may know that a rod is in pickle which the vigorous hand of a justly incensed posterity will apply to their memories.