YOU COULDN'T HARDLY NOTICE IT AT ALL.

There was a girl in our town Who dearly loved to flirt, But the home folks never noticed it at all.

The women in the neighborhood All said she was too pert, But she never even noticed them at all.

One night a young man came to call Who was considered slow, But when he got alone with her, He turned the lights down low.

He begged her for a little kiss, She softly murmured "No,"

But you couldn't hardly notice it at all.

THE ALARM CLOCK.

With a clatter and a jangle, And a wrangle and a screech, How the old alarm clock wheezes As it sneezes out of reach!

How you groan and yawn and stretch In the chilly morning air, As you pull the blankets tight, With your head clear out of sight-- How you swear!

A NEW VERSION.

Old Mother Hubbard She went to the cupboard, To find a nice bone for her dog.

But when she got there The cupboard was bare, And now they are both on the hog.

OH SCISSORS!

I knew a young man so conceited That a glance at his face made you heated.

One night, playing whist, He was slapped on the wrist, Because some one said that he cheated.

HE APED HER.

An impudent Barbary ape Once tried on a lady's new cape.

As he gave a big grin, The lady came in, And--his children are still wearing crepe.

TAKE UP THE HOUSEHOLD BURDEN.

Take up the household burden, No iron rule of kings, But make your family understand That you are running things, Don't storm around and bl.u.s.ter, And don't get mad and swear If in the soup is floating-- A rag and a hank of hair.

Take up the household burden In patience to abide, To curse the irate grocer And make your wife confide By open speech and simple And hundred times made plain How she has sought to profit In spending all you gain.

Take up the household burden-- The little baby boy, And walk the floor in anguish And don't let it annoy.

For when the kid seems sleepy And you are feeling "sold,"

There comes a cry from baby boy That makes your blood run cold.

Take up the household burden And try and be a man, Just simply grin and bear it And do the best you can.

Come now and try your manhood And let the future go, And listen to your elders-- They've tried it and they know.

VITASCOPE PICTURES.

A young girl stands Upon the sands, And waves her hands-- Flirtation.

A fresh young man With shoes of tan, Looks spick and span-- Expectation.

They walk the beach, She seems a peach Just out of reach-- Vexation.

Ah what is this?

A sound of bliss A kiss, a kiss-- Elation.

A father lean Upon the scene, Looks awful mean-- (Curtain.)

AN IRISH TOAST.

Here's to dear Ould Ireland, Here's to the Irish la.s.s, Here's to Dennis and Mike and Pat, Here's to the sparkling gla.s.s.

Here's to the Irish copper, He may be green all right, But you bet he's Mickie on the spot Whenever it comes to a fight.

Here's to Robert Emmet, too, And here's to our dear Tom Moore.

Here's to the Irish shamrock, Here's to the land we adore.

MY LIFE AND DEATH.

(By A. Turkey Gobbler.)

I'm just a turkey gobbler, But I've got a word to say And I'd like to say it quickly Before I pa.s.s away, For I will get it in the neck Upon Thanksgiving Day.