AT THE TELEPHONE.

Ting-ling--"South, please, 1085; Why h.e.l.lo, Jim--Oh, Saints alive!

It's south, I told you--h.e.l.lo; no, I said once that I could not go.

"Say, can you meet me there tonight?

Confound it, Jim, you must be tight.

What are you saying anyhow, I've got the wrong ear by the sow?

"Not pretty? Why, she's out o'sight, Oh, shut up; that will be all right.

You can't walk there? Why it ain't far; We get there on a 'lectric car.

"Well, Great Scott, man, don't talk all day, But let me know now right away.

Miss B----, Oh, let the old girl wait; We won't be out so very late.

"You will? All right then--eight o'clock; Be sure and meet me on the block, Remember now, don't get it wrong; All right, old man (Ting-ling), so long."

A HARDSHIP.

I never saw a loaf of bread Conspicuous in its purity, But that I sadly shook my head And left five-cents as surety.

CHRISTMAS TOYS.

Say, I like toys, Christmas toys.

Remember when we were boys Long ago?

Then you were a kid Not a beau.

And on Christmas Day, Oh, say, We got up in the dark And had a jolly lark Round the fire.

The cold air was shocking As we peeped in our stocking-- And, way down in the toe, Now say this is so-- Dad placed a dollar.

Made me holler.

Yes, sirree,

They were good to me.

Remember Jim?

Mean trick I did him.

You know Jim was surly?

Well I got up early Took his dollar out, And put a rock In his sock.

Gee, he was mad, Went and told dad; But dad he just laughed And said: Might's well be dead If you couldn't have fun.

Then for spite, I kept that dollar 'til night.

Funny, seein' these toys Made me think of us boys.

But now, Gee!

Christmas ain't like it used to be.

THE RUBAIYAT OF A KENTUCKIAN.

Wake for the sun, that scatters into flight, The poker players who have stayed all night; Drives husbands home with reeling steps, and then-- Gives to the sleepy "cops" an awful fright.

I sometimes think that never blows so red The nose, as when the spirits strike the head; That every step one takes upon the way Makes him wish strongly he were home in bed.

The moving finger writes, but having "pull", You think that you can settle things in full, But when you interview the Police Judge, You find that you have made an awful bull.

Some nonsense verses underneath the bough, A little "booze", a time to loaf, and thou-- Beside me howling in the wilderness, Would be enough for one day anyhow.

THE MEDICINE MAN.

Good people if you have the mumps, Or ever get down with the dumps; Or have bad cold or aching pains, Or ever suffer with chilblains-- Don't seek your doctor for advice, And pay him some tremendous price, But buy a drug that's safe and sure-- In fact, get Blank's Consumptive Cure.

ALAS.

He led her out across the sand, And by her side did sit: He asked to hold her little hand, She sweetly answered, "Nit."

THE GLORIOUS FOURTH AND ITS MEMORIES.

Have you ever mused in silence upon a summer's day And let your thoughts run riot and your feelings have full sway, As you sprawled full length upon the gra.s.s in some secluded dell And breathed the balmy country air, and smelt the country smell?

Then as you muse, And gently snooze, Between thinks You remember those jinks When spirits were high On the Fourth of July.

There was little Willie Browning, the worst of all the boys Who had a sure-nuff cannon that made all kinds of noise; And when the cannon wouldn't go he blew into the muzzle, But what became of Willie's teeth has always been a puzzle.

How the folks looked askance At the seats of our pants, When those giant skyrockets Went off in our pockets!

Gee whiz!

What fun the Fourth is!