5

They Can Have Bad Manners. You Can't.

When my daughter was 14 years old, I sent her to a four-day etiquette course. Some of what she learned was surely unnecessary-after all, how often is she going to curtsey to the Queen of England? If she has to, however, she'll be ready.

But much of the course was about the basic rules of behavior, because any woman who can't handle herself appropriately in every social situation faces a disadvantage. A man doesn't have to know which spoon to use, or how to cover a burp, or when to send a thank-you note. If he makes a mistake, he gets away with it, especially if he is considered powerful.

Consider: On a recent episode of television's Frasier, Frasier Crane's brother, Niles, hires a powerful attorney to handle his divorce. In his first scene, the lawyer changes from his sweaty workout clothes into his suit in a thoroughly vulgar manner in front of both Crane brothers. The incident let the audience know the man was an excellent attorney, because anyone that gross, that ill-mannered, had to be talented.

Could a woman get away with that kind of behavior? Almost certainly not. It wouldn't be regarded as powerful. It would be regarded as repulsive. He's allowed to be rude, crude, and lewd. She's not.

Think about what happens after the guys win a game-they go out for a celebratory dinner and pig out. The coolest guy at the table is the one who eats and drinks the most and has the worst manners. The guy who sits calmly with his napkin in his lap, slowly sipping his beer and using a knife and fork, is considered a spoilsport.

Women are rewarded for neat homework, proper etiquette, good penmanship. We are called "good girls" if we're well-groomed and well-behaved. Guys who are too well-groomed and well-behaved are called something else.

Whether we're going to the White House or meeting with a local official, we like knowing how to do it right. The fine points are important. Making a faux pas causes us to question our self-image, our competence, our ident.i.ty.

What was most interesting about the course my daughter took was the composition of the students. I had expected young Southern debutantes, and indeed there was a spattering of them. But there were also four grown women-two secretaries, a businesswoman, and a young doctor. When I asked them why they had come, the secretaries said that, because their bosses were of the old school, they needed to know how to handle both social and professional situations appropriately. The doctor said that, as a physician, she knew she'd have to deal with difficult senior colleagues and complex political scenarios. She didn't want to make a wrong move that could hinder her climb through the hospital hierarchy. And the businesswoman said that because most of her peers in middle management had attended fancy colleges or came from wealthy families, they knew how to negotiate a privileged world. She wasn't prepared to forfeit a promotion because she didn't know how to throw a dinner party.

6

They Can Be Ugly. You Can't.

When my friend Joan gave an address at a conference last month, she and her fellow female speakers were amused to see that one of the panel members was a middle-aged man whose pants were short enough to expose several inches of pale skin. Not only that, his socks were so stretched out they'd fallen down over his shoes, which were in turn horribly scuffed.

Imagine Joan's chagrin when she noticed on the way to the podium that she had a run in her stocking. It didn't show, she thought. But after her speech, when she dashed back to her hotel room to change, she overheard a woman in the back of the elevator ask a friend if she'd seen that poor woman who gave her presentation with that terrible run.

Just as they get away with social mistakes, men are likely to enjoy immunity from errors in their physical appearance-stained ties, missing b.u.t.tons, mismatched socks. But no woman, no matter how important, seems to escape censure for even the tiniest sartorial flaw. It's as though such a lapse were a sign that she doesn't know, or doesn't care, or doesn't pay attention to details.

Actually, it's nothing but a sign that she has a run in her stocking. (Frankly, the way stockings and panty hose are produced makes it difficult for any woman to conduct business life with dignity-but that's another topic.) We just don't get cut that kind of slack.

The worst part is, it's not just men who judge us so harshly. We do it to each other (remember the women in the elevator).

GAME HINT: It's not only our clothes that make people so judgmental. It can be anything: our looks, our weight, our breath.

For example, I don't think anyone does well with body odor or bad breath. But I've done business with plenty of men who are offensive on both counts, and no one has ever mentioned it. Yet I know a mid-level female executive with bad breath whose company decided she was unpromotable. Apparently, none of her peers wanted to work on her committees or attend her meetings. (I imagine she suffered from some kind of metabolic dysfunction, but no one knew how to broach the subject.) What holds for breath, holds for weight. Despite some enormous advances in their consciousness, men still seem to believe that every woman wants to be thin. And if she isn't, they a.s.sume she must have poor self-control, a problem which they fear could slip over into her work.

However, men who are fat are often able to present their girth as a sign of their importance and prosperity. One well-known Hollywood producer uses his immense body (which he covers with garish disheveled clothes) to suggest that he's so powerful he doesn't have to pay attention to his appearance. And as long as he really is a major player, this approach works. (The moment he starts losing power, however, I'll bet he cleans up his act.)

HE HEARS, SHE HEARS: TEN GENDERBENDER VOCABULARY WORDS.

Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.

ERICA JONG, WRITER AND FEMINIST.

WHILE WRITING THIS BOOK I INTERVIEWED BOTH men and women, and in our conversations I noticed different interpretations of the word rules. The men a.s.sumed I was writing down an absolute code for women to follow, a specific set of instructions. For them, the rules of the game are exactly that: rules.

The first things a guy asks when he plays a game: Who goes first? How do you keep score? How long does it last? Unless the man thinks of himself as a rebel, in which case he can break all the rules, he plays by them. Men rarely a.s.sume that rules bend.

The women I talked to, however, thought of rules as guidelines, hints, suggestions-exactly as I do. When girls play a game, they're more likely to ask: Can my friend play too? Can we make the game last a little longer? I have to do an errand for my mother, can I come back in half an hour?

Women want to have a relationship with the rules. When necessary, we'll consider adapting them to each personal situation we find ourselves in. For instance, if the rule says to play a game with five people on each side for two 30-minute segments, we'll ask if we can break for dinner, or extend the game into the next day, or add two people to each side, or play with a large ball instead of a small one. (Ten guys would play for an hour, total.) To accommodate an unforeseen event, to prevent a teammate from getting her feelings hurt, to include as many as possible, we are comfortable rewriting the rules as the situation warrants.

In fact, as soon as I put my ideas down on paper, I knew that I would rethink some of them. When I told that to a male co-worker, he looked horrified. "You can't change your rules just because you feel like it," he said. The word rules has a different meaning for men and women.

Over the years I've come upon ten other words that men and women define differently. They are:

1

Yes (Exactly What It Means).

Some years ago I was in a large, disorganized meeting where several people were vigorously pressing their agendas. Perhaps most agitated was one woman who needed to increase her department's budget.

Arriving in the room fully prepared, her briefcase bulging with folders, her notepad overflowing with handwritten notes, she started her presentation forcefully and wasn't more than a minute into it when her boss interrupted. "You're right," he said. "You can have what you need."

The woman paused briefly, and then continued her speech. The boss interrupted again: "I said, yes."

The woman pressed on.

"I said, yes," the boss repeated-to no avail. The woman continued. The boss threw up his hands. "Okay," he said, "I've changed my mind. The answer is no. Now will you stop talking?"

I'm constantly struck by how often a woman goes into a meeting, asks for something she thinks she won't get, receives a favorable reply-and continues to pitch.

Yes means yes-no matter how much time and energy you've put into preparing for a no.

I always think of a woman receiving the ultimate affirmation-"I love you, will you marry me?"-and responding: "Do you really mean it? Are you sure? Did I pressure you into saying it? When did you realize your feelings? What is it about me you like most?"

Why do we do this? One reason is that when we were younger, many of us learned intricate ways to manipulate people. If we wanted Dad or Mom to let us date a new guy or attend that party across town, for example, we had to be circular and protracted, forever restating our position to get the desired reply.

Business isn't family. When you get what you want, take it and shut up.

Another complicating factor: Many women in business are constantly on guard against being patronized. We don't want the boss to cave just because we're the only woman in the room and he has no choice but to say yes. We want him to hear our cogent, unimpeachable argument from start to finish, and decide we're right. We want him to want to agree.

Once again, it's a relationship issue: A woman sees two people, boss and employee, and she's hoping to reach a consensus based on shared mutual sensibilities rather than get an impersonal response-even a positive one. We want the feeling of validation. The man, however, wants a favorable response.

In school, you may have gotten someone to agree with you because you were friendly, because everyone liked you, because you were smart. In business, if you're getting a yes, it isn't because people find you so appealing. It's because your idea makes sense.

2

No (Not What It Means).

As we saw in Chapter 5: Make a Request (and it bears repeating): Women consider no one of the most fearsome words in the language. When we were ten years old, we would hear the word no and melt in tearful drama-"If you won't let me sleep over at Jennie's house, she'll never want to be my friend again"!

Consider this example: A young woman recently entered my office in tears. She was trying to convince her boss to give her a new project under development, and he had said, no, it was the wrong time to ask. That's all he said-the wrong time. But the woman was completely deflated. She had been convinced her idea was good; now she never wanted to mention her idea again. Her confidence was in shreds. In her mind, weeks of planning had come to nothing.

"Wait a minute," I said. "He just said the timing was bad. He probably had 30 other things to think about and your project wasn't one of them. He was only telling you to come back another day." It took me almost an hour to convince her.

Because we equate no with a crushing defeat, we often frame questions to prepare us for rejection. For example, "I don't suppose that you would consider ...?" Or, "Could you possibly let me ...?" Or, "Is there any chance in the world that I could ...?"

Just the other day I heard a woman approach her boss after a meeting and ask, "Is there any chance at all, given that I'm not really qualified, and that other people have probably already asked, that you might consider letting me work on your new project?"

When the boss turned her down, she nodded in agreement. It was as if she and he were now on the same side: Neither of them really felt she was the right person.

Once again: No simply means that whatever you asked for-at that time, of that person, in that way-didn't materialize. It has nothing to do with whether you're bright and talented and will ultimately succeed. Says my younger son, the president of a California outsourcing company, "I love the word no. For me, it is the first step to thinking strategically how to convince my boss or my client to get to a yes."

3

Hope (The Worst Word in the Game).

"I hope everyone reading this book profits from it." "I hope this book does well." "I hope I write another."

If I ever say those sentences aloud, please shoot me.

Hope is one of the most unempowering words in the English language. Why? Because it allows us to believe we're taking action, when, in reality, we're taking no action at all.

Little girls are brought up to believe that all we have to do is sit still, smile, be smart, act charming, and the world will arrive on our doorsteps, whether that means being asked to the prom by the handsomest boy in school, or being elected the first female president of the United States. It's as though we were all Cinderellas, waiting for our fairy G.o.dmothers to grant us our wishes.

Little boys dream, too. But their upbringing teaches them that dreaming is not enough. Even as a twelve-year-old is imagining he's. .h.i.tting the winning home run, he's learning the moves. He is practicing every day, he is memorizing the playbook, he is imagining the feel of connecting the bat to the ball.

In a little girl's fantasy play, in the stories she reads, in the way she talks with her friends, she imagines being done to, rather than doing; she's pa.s.sive rather than active.

I see this pattern day after day in the office and on the road. Recently I was in St. Louis talking to a large gathering of young journalists. Afterwards, 20 aspiring women approached me and handed me their cards, all saying that they dreamed about having a job like mine. Was there any possibility ...?

I showed interest in these women's ambitions. I encouraged them to write. I told them if they were really serious about new jobs, they should start strategizing and get in touch with me. I then flew back to Atlanta, knowing from experience that it would be unusual if I heard from just one of these women. In fact, I didn't hear from any of them.

Did they think that by handing me their card, I would search them out at whatever newspaper or television station they worked, and presto! turn them into a news correspondent?

When a man hustles me about a job, I can almost always count on hearing from him again. If I don't, I a.s.sume it's because he's found something else.

What will it take for women to give ourselves permission to do more than hope? The word we should be using is want, the word that the men use. Not "I hope," but, "I want." "I want that job." "I want to make that salary." "I want to become a manager."

When you say aloud that you want something, you give your thought power. It's the first step to getting your plan off the ground.

Like the fairy tales in which they appear, words like hope and wish are full of magic. But business and life aren't magical. Recently I sat on a panel with four successful women. When asked their formulas for success, every one of them replied, "I work harder and smarter than everyone else."

Success isn't about wishing and praying and hoping that someone will make you successful. It's about deciding that you want to be successful, and then making it happen.

4

Guilt (It Means Trouble).

My dictionary defines guilt as "a painful feeling of self-reproach resulting from a belief that one has done something wrong." The entry is not ill.u.s.trated-the closest picture appears next to the word guillotine-but if there were a picture, it could easily be a shot of a female business executive.

We feel so guilty all the time. We are brought up to be good girls, and then we allow ourselves to become the victims of our own good intentions. We want to be superwomen, able to do everything. And when we fail, we feel devastated. We may as well have gotten the guillotine.

Besides making you feel miserable, guilt impedes your ability to function. How can you keep your eye on your goal if you're constantly berating yourself about insignificant details? There you are, in a late-hours meeting discussing your company's next big move, and you can't focus on the agenda because nagging thoughts preoccupy you-you forgot to call your parents, you didn't order the birthday cake, you didn't make that call to your college alumni a.s.sociation ...

Think about it. Maybe you did forget a few things. We all do. Maybe you did make a mistake. We all do. So what?

A man at that meeting wouldn't worry, even if it was his responsibility to pick up a nice dinner on the way home and he won't have time. He knows his family won't starve, he knows that it's the big finish that matters. He won't allow himself to get bogged down in the little details. There's nothing wrong with going out for fast food if necessary.

The word guilt doesn't exist at all on the game field. As long as they play by the rules, the guys don't feel guilty because they won, or because they ran over the opposition. They keep their focus on the game and the game alone.

Just because you can't do everything right doesn't mean you do everything wrong. Give yourself a break. If you feel guilty every time life isn't perfect, you'll feel guilty all the time.

5

Sorry (It's a Sorry Word).

A man tells a female co-worker that the coffee wagon is late, that he can't find his cell phone, that his son's softball team lost a big game, that the company is revising its profit forecasts downward, that he has to fire his a.s.sistant, that his boss is angry at him, that the world is coming to an end.

Her response to everything: I'm sorry.

The word sorry is a female addiction. We use it so often, to express so much, and in so many contexts, it has virtually no meaning. It's just something we say, the iceberg lettuce of conversation, a kind of verbal filler.