Phantasmagoria.

by Lewis Carroll.

CANTO I The Trystyng

ONE winter night, at half-past nine, Cold, tired, and cross, and muddy, I had come home, too late to dine, And supper, with cigars and wine, Was waiting in the study.

There was a strangeness in the room, And Something white and wavy Was standing near me in the gloom- _I_ took it for the carpet-broom Left by that careless slavey.

But presently the Thing began To shiver and to sneeze: On which I said "Come, come, my man!

That's a most inconsiderate plan.

Less noise there, if you please!"

[Picture: The Thing standing by chair]

"I've caught a cold," the Thing replies, "Out there upon the landing."

I turned to look in some surprise, And there, before my very eyes, A little Ghost was standing!

He trembled when he caught my eye, And got behind a chair.

"How came you here," I said, "and why?

I never saw a thing so shy.

Come out! Don't shiver there!"

He said "I'd gladly tell you how, And also tell you why; But" (here he gave a little bow) "You're in so bad a temper now, You'd think it all a lie.

"And as to being in a fright, Allow me to remark That Ghosts have just as good a right In every way, to fear the light, As Men to fear the dark."

"No plea," said I, "can well excuse Such cowardice in you: For Ghosts can visit when they choose, Whereas we Humans ca'n't refuse To grant the interview."

He said "A flutter of alarm Is not unnatural, is it?

I really feared you meant some harm: But, now I see that you are calm, Let me explain my visit.

"Houses are cla.s.sed, I beg to state, According to the number Of Ghosts that they accommodate: (The Tenant merely counts as _weight_, With Coals and other lumber).

"This is a 'one-ghost' house, and you When you arrived last summer, May have remarked a Spectre who Was doing all that Ghosts can do To welcome the new-comer.

"In Villas this is always done- However cheaply rented: For, though of course there's less of fun When there is only room for one, Ghosts have to be contented.

"That Spectre left you on the Third- Since then you've not been haunted: For, as he never sent us word, 'Twas quite by accident we heard That any one was wanted.

"A Spectre has first choice, by right, In filling up a vacancy; Then Phantom, Goblin, Elf, and Sprite- If all these fail them, they invite The nicest Ghoul that they can see.

"The Spectres said the place was low, And that you kept bad wine: So, as a Phantom had to go, And I was first, of course, you know, I couldn't well decline."

"No doubt," said I, "they settled who Was fittest to be sent Yet still to choose a brat like you, To haunt a man of forty-two, Was no great compliment!"

"I'm not so young, Sir," he replied, "As you might think. The fact is, In caverns by the water-side, And other places that I've tried, I've had a lot of practice:

"But I have never taken yet A strict domestic part, And in my flurry I forget The Five Good Rules of Etiquette We have to know by heart."

My sympathies were warming fast Towards the little fellow: He was so utterly aghast At having found a Man at last, And looked so scared and yellow.

[Picture: In caverns by the water-side]

"At least," I said, "I'm glad to find A Ghost is not a _dumb_ thing!

But pray sit down: you'll feel inclined (If, like myself, you have not dined) To take a snack of something:

"Though, certainly, you don't appear A thing to offer _food_ to!

And then I shall be glad to hear- If you will say them loud and clear- The Rules that you allude to."

"Thanks! You shall hear them by and by.

This _is_ a piece of luck!"

"What may I offer you?" said I.

"Well, since you _are_ so kind, I'll try A little bit of duck.

"_One_ slice! And may I ask you for Another drop of gravy?"

I sat and looked at him in awe, For certainly I never saw A thing so white and wavy.

And still he seemed to grow more white, More vapoury, and wavier- Seen in the dim and flickering light, As he proceeded to recite His "Maxims of Behaviour."

[Picture: The Phantom dines]

CANTO II Hys Fyve Rules

"MY First-but don't suppose," he said, "I'm setting you a riddle- Is-if your Victim be in bed, Don't touch the curtains at his head, But take them in the middle,

"And wave them slowly in and out, While drawing them asunder; And in a minute's time, no doubt, He'll raise his head and look about With eyes of wrath and wonder.

"And here you must on no pretence Make the first observation.

Wait for the Victim to commence: No Ghost of any common sense Begins a conversation.

[Picture: Ghostly border] "If he should say '_How came you here_?'

(The way that _you_ began, Sir,) In such a case your course is clear- '_On the bat's back_, _my little dear_!'

Is the appropriate answer.

"If after this he says no more, You'd best perhaps curtail your Exertions-go and shake the door, And then, if he begins to snore, You'll know the thing's a failure.

"By day, if he should be alone- At home or on a walk- You merely give a hollow groan, To indicate the kind of tone In which you mean to talk.

"But if you find him with his friends, The thing is rather harder.

In such a case success depends On picking up some candle-ends, Or b.u.t.ter, in the larder.

"With this you make a kind of slide (It answers best with suet), On which you must contrive to glide, And swing yourself from side to side- One soon learns how to do it.