"They call it fumography."

"Fumography! never heard of it."

"It is the art of knowing precisely, by examination of the smoke which comes out of the chimney, what your neighbour has for dinner."

"Upon my soul, if one could send an excuse at a late hour, that might be useful."

"My friend is quite an adept. He can tell first and second course _entremets_, and even if the different articles to be put on the table are done to a turn, or not."

"Now, Mr Simple, what do you think of that?" inquired the captain.

"I think, sir, that it's all smoke."

"Bravo, Mr Simple! you've said a very good thing."

So I thought, too; but, as I wasn't quite sure, I would not laugh till all the rest of the company did.

As Mr Phillott wished to hear the end of the captain's story, he would not contradict him about the wine, by stating what he knew to be the case, that the captain had sent it on board at Barbadoes; and the captain proceeded.

"Well, I gave up my cabin to the old lady, and hung up my cot in the gun-room during the pa.s.sage home. We were becalmed abreast of Ceuta for two days. The old lady was very particular about her pug-dog, and I superintended the washing of the little brute twice a week but at last I was tired of it, and gave him to my c.o.xswain to bathe. My c.o.xswain, who was a lazy fellow, without my knowledge, used to put the little beast into the bight of a rope, and tow him overboard for a minute or so. It was during this calm that he had him overboard in this way, when a confounded shark rose from under the counter, and took in the pug-dog at one mouthful. The c.o.xswain reported the loss as a thing of no consequence; but I knew better, and put the fellow in irons. I then went down and broke the melancholy fact to Miss Kearney, stating that I had put the man in irons, and would flog him well. The old lady broke out into a most violent pa.s.sion at the intelligence, declared that it was my fault, that I was jealous of the dog, and had done it on purpose.

The more I protested, the more she raved; and at last I was obliged to go off deck to avoid her abuse and keep my temper--I had not been on deck five minutes before she came up--that is, was shoved up, for she was so heavy that she could not get up without a.s.sistance. You know how elephants in India push the cannon through a mora.s.s with their heads from behind; well, my steward used to shove her up the companion-ladder just in the same way, with his head completely buried in her petticoats.

As soon as she was up, he used to pull his head out, looking as red and hot as a fresh boiled lobster. Well, up she came, with her will in her hand, and looking at me very fiercely, she said, 'since the shark has taken my dear dog, he may have my will also,' and throwing it over board, she plunged down on the carronade slide. 'It's very well, madam,' said I; 'but you'll be cool by-and-bye, and then you'll make another will.' 'I swear by all the hopes that I have of going to heaven that I never will!' replied she. 'Yes you will, madam,' replied I.

'Never, so help me G.o.d! Captain Kearney, my money may now go to my next heir, and that, you know, will not be you.' Now, as I knew very well that the old lady was very positive, and as good as her word, my object was to recover the will, which was floating about fifty yards astern, without her knowledge. I thought a moment, and then I called the boatswain's mate to pipe _all hands to bathe_. 'You'll excuse me, Miss Kearney,' said I, 'but the men are going to bathe, and I do not think you would like to see them all naked. If you would, you can stay on deck.' She looked daggers at me, and rising from the carronade slide, hobbled to the ladder, saying, that 'the insult was another proof of how little I deserved any kindness from her.' As soon as she was below, the quarter-boats were lowered down, and I went in one of them and picked up the will, which still floated. Brigs having no stern-windows, of course she could not see my manoeuvre, but thought that the will was lost for ever. We had very bad weather after that, owing to which, with the loss of her favourite pug, and constant quarrelling with me--for I did all I could to annoy her afterwards--she fell ill, and was buried a fortnight after she was landed at Plymouth. The old lady kept her word; she never made another will. I proved the one I had recovered at Doctor's Commons, and touched the whole of her money."

As neither the first lieutenant nor I could prove whether the story was true or not, of course we expressed our congratulations at his good fortune, and soon afterwards left the cabin to report the marvellous story to our messmates. I went on deck. I found that the shark had just been hooked, and was being hauled on board. Mr Phillott had also come on deck. The officers were all eager about the shark, and were looking over the side, calling to each other, and giving directions to the men. Now, although certainly there was a want of decorum on the quarter-deck, still the captain having given permission, it was to be excused, but Mr Phillott thought otherwise, and commenced in his usual style, beginning with the marine officer.

"Mr Westley, I'll trouble you not to be getting upon the hammocks.

You'll get off directly, sir. If one of your fellows were to do so, I'd stop his grog for a month, and I don't see why you are to set a bad example; you've been too long in barracks, sir, by half. Who is that?-- Mr Williams and Mr Moore--both on the hammocks, too. Up to the fore-topmast head, both of you directly. Mr Thomas, up to the main; and I say, you youngster, stealing off, perch yourself upon the spanker-boom, and let me know when you've rode to London. By G.o.d! the service is going to h.e.l.l. I don't know what officers are made of now-a-days. I'll marry some of you young gentlemen to the gunner's daughter before long. Quarter-deck's no better than a bear garden. No wonder, when lieutenants set the example."

This latter remark could only be applied to O'Brien, who stood in the quarter-boat giving directions, before the tirade of Mr Phillott stopped the amus.e.m.e.nt of the party. O'Brien immediately stepped out of the boat, and, going up to Mr Phillott, touched his hat, and said, "Mr Phillott, we had the captain's permission to catch the shark and a shark is not to be got on board by walking up and down on the quarter-deck.

As regards myself, as long as the captain is on board, I hold myself responsible to him alone for my conduct; and if you think I have done wrong, forward your complaint; but if you pretend to use such language to me, as you have to others, I shall hold you responsible. I am here, sir, as an officer and a gentleman, and will be treated as such; and allow me to observe, that I consider the quarter-deck more disgraced by foul and ungentlemanly language, than I do by an officer accidentally standing upon the hammocks. However, as you have thought proper to interfere, you may now get the shark on board yourself."

Mr Phillott turned very red, for he never had come in contact in this way with O'Brien. All the other officers had submitted quietly to his unpleasant manner of speaking to them. "Very well, Mr O'Brien; I shall hold you answerable for this language," replied he, "and shall most certainly report your conduct to the captain."

"I will save you the trouble; Captain Kearney is now coming up, and I will report it myself."

This...o...b..ien did, upon the captain's putting his foot on the quarter-deck.

"Well," observed the captain to Mr Phillott, "what is it you complain of?"

"Mr O'Brien's language, sir. Am I to be addressed on the quarter-deck in that manner?"

"I really must say, Mr Phillott," replied Captain Kearney, "that I do not perceive anything in what Mr O'Brien said, but what is correct. I command here; and if an officer so nearly equal in rank to yourself has committed himself, you are not to take the law into your own hands. The fact is, Mr Phillott, your language is not quite so correct as I could wish it. I overheard every word that pa.s.sed, and I consider that you have treated your _superior_ officer with disrespect--that is _me_. I gave permission that the shark should be caught, and with that permission, I consequently allowed those little deviations from the discipline of the service, which must inevitably take place. Yet you have thought proper to interfere with my permission, which is tantamount to an order, and have made use of harsh language, and punished the young gentlemen for obeying my injunctions. You will oblige me, sir, by calling them all down, and in restraining your petulance for the future.

I will always support your authority when you are correct; but I regret that, in this instance, you have necessitated me to weaken it."

This was a most severe check to Mr Phillott, who immediately went below, after hailing the mast-heads, and calling down the midshipmen.

As soon as he was gone, we were all on the hammocks again; the shark was hauled forward, hoisted on board, and every frying-pan in the ship was in requisition. We were all much pleased with Captain Kearney's conduct on this occasion; and, as...o...b..ien observed to me, "He really is a good fellow and clever officer. What a thousand pities it is that he is such a confounded liar!" I must do Mr Phillott the justice to say that he bore no malice on this occasion, but treated us as before, which is saying a great deal in his favour, when it is considered what power a first lieutenant has of annoying and punishing his inferiors.

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE.

ANOTHER SET-TO BETWEEN THE CAPTAIN AND FIRST LIEUTENANT--CUTTING-OUT EXPEDITION--MR. CHUCKS MISTAKEN--HE DIES LIKE A GENTLEMAN--SWINBURNE BEGINS HIS ACCOUNT OF THE BATTLE OF ST. VINCENT.

We had not been more than a week under the Danish island of St. Thomas, when we discovered a brig close in-sh.o.r.e. We made all sail in chase, and soon came within a mile and a half of the sh.o.r.e, when she anch.o.r.ed under a battery, which opened its fire upon us. Their elevation was too great, and several shots pa.s.sed over us and between our masts.

"I once met with a very remarkable circ.u.mstance," observed Captain Kearney. "Three guns were fired at a frigate I was on board of, from a battery, all at the same time. The three shots cut away the three topsail ties, and down came all our topsail-yards upon the cap at the same time. That the Frenchmen might not suppose that they had taken such good aim, we turned up our hands to reef topsails; and by the time that the men were off the yards, the ties were spliced, and the topsails run up again."

Mr Phillott could not stand this most enormous fib, and he replied, "Very odd, indeed, Captain Kearney: but I have known a stranger circ.u.mstance. We had put in the powder to the four guns on the main deck, when we were fighting the Danish gun-boats, in a frigate I was in; and as the men withdrew the rammer, a shot from the enemy entered the muzzle and completed the loading of each gun. We fired their own shot back upon them, and this occurred three times running."

"Upon my word," replied Captain Kearney, who had his gla.s.s upon the battery, "I think you must have dreamt that circ.u.mstance, Mr Phillott."

"Not more than you did about the topsail ties, Captain Kearney."

Captain Kearney at that time had the long gla.s.s in his hand, holding it up over his shoulder. A shot from the battery whizzed over his head, and took the gla.s.s out of his hand, shivering it to pieces. "That's once," said Captain Kearney, very coolly; "but will you pretend that that could ever happen three times running? They might take my head off, or my arm, next time, but not another gla.s.s; whereas the topsail ties might be cut by three different shot. But give me another gla.s.s, Mr Simple, I am certain that this vessel is a privateer. What think you, Mr O'Brien?"

"I am every bit of your opinion, Captain Kearney," replied O'Brien; "and I think it would be a very pretty bit of practice to the ship's company to take her out from under that footy battery."

"Starboard the helm, Mr Phillott; keep away four points, and then we will think of it to-night."

The frigate was now kept away, and ran out of the fire of the battery.

It was then about an hour before sunset, and in the West Indies the sun does not set as it does in the northern lat.i.tudes. There is no twilight: he descends in glory, surrounded with clouds of gold and rubies in their gorgeous tints; and once below the horizon, all is dark.

As soon as it was dark, we hauled our wind off sh.o.r.e; and a consultation being held between the captain, Mr Phillott, and O'Brien, the captain at last decided that the attempt should be made. Indeed, although cutting out is a very serious affair, as you combat under every disadvantage, still the mischief done to our trade by the fast-sailing privateers was so great in the West Indies, that almost every sacrifice was warrantable for the interests of the country. Still Captain Kearney, although a brave and prudent officer--one who calculated chances, and who would not risk his men without he deemed that necessity imperiously demanded that such should be done--was averse to this attack, from his knowledge of the hay in which the brig was anch.o.r.ed; and although Mr Phillott and O'Brien both were of opinion that it should be a night attack, Captain Kearney decided otherwise. He considered that although the risk might be greater, yet the force employed would be more consolidated, and that those who would hold back in the night dare not do so during the day. Moreover, that the people on sh.o.r.e in the battery, as well as those in the privateer, would be on the alert all night, and not expecting an attack during the day, would be taken off their guard. It was therefore directed that everything should be in preparation during the night, and that the boats should shove off before daylight, and row in-sh.o.r.e, concealing themselves behind some rocks under the cliffs which formed the cape upon one side of the harbour; and, if not discovered, remain there till noon, at which time it was probable that the privateer's men would be on sh.o.r.e, and the vessel might be captured without difficulty.

It is always a scene of much interest on board a man-of-war when preparations are made for an expedition of this description; and as the reader may not have been witness to them, it may perhaps be interesting to describe them. The boats of men-of-war have generally two crews; the common boats' crew, which are selected so as not to take away the most useful men from the ship; and the service, or fighting boats' crew, which are selected from the very best men on board. The c.o.xswains of the boats are the most trustworthy men in the ship, and, on this occasion, have to see that their boats are properly equipped.

The launch, yawl, first and second cutters, were the boats appointed for the expedition. They all carried guns mounted upon slides, which ran fore and aft between the men. After the boats were hoisted out, the guns were lowered down into them and shipped in the bows of the boats.

The arm-chests were next handed in, which contained the cartridges and ammunition. The shut were put into the bottom of the boats; and so far they were all ready. The oars of the boats were fitted to pull with grummets upon iron thole-pins, that they might make little noise, and might swing fore and aft without falling overboard, when the boats pulled alongside the privateer. A breaker or two (that is, small casks holding about seven gallons each) of water was put into each boat, and also the men's allowance of spirits, in case they should be detained by any unforeseen circ.u.mstances. The men belonging to the boats were fully employed in looking after their arms; some fitting their flints to their pistols, others, and the major part of them, sharpening their cutla.s.ses at the grindstone, or with a file borrowed from the armourer--all were busy and all merry. The very idea of going into action is a source of joy to an English sailor, and more jokes are made, more merriment excited, at that time than any other. Then, as it often happens, that one or two of the service boats' crews may be on the sick-list, urgent solicitations are made by others that they may supply their places. The only parties who appear at all grave are those who are to remain in the frigate, and not share in the expedition. There is no occasion to order the boats to be manned, for the men are generally in long before they are piped away. Indeed, one would think that it was a party of pleasure instead of danger and of death upon which they were about to proceed.

Captain Kearney selected the officers who were to have the charge of the boats. He would not trust any of the midshipmen on so dangerous a service. He said, that he had known so many occasions in which their rashness and foolhardiness had spoilt an expedition; he therefore appointed Mr Phillott, the first lieutenant, to the launch; O'Brien to the yawl; the master to the first, and Mr Chucks, the boatswain, to the second cutter. Mr Chucks was much pleased with the idea of having the command of a boat, and asked me to come with him, to which I consented, although I had intended as usual, to have gone with O'Brien.

About an hour before daylight we ran the frigate to within a mile and a half of the sh.o.r.e, and the boats shoved off; the frigate then wore round, and stood out in the offing, that she might at daylight be at such a distance as not to excite any suspicion that our boats were sent away, while we in the boats pulled quietly in-sh.o.r.e. We were not a quarter of an hour before we arrived at the cape forming one side of the bay, and were well secreted among the cl.u.s.ter of rocks which was underneath. Our oars were laid in; the boats' painters made fast; and orders given for the strictest silence. The rocks were very high, and the boats were not to be seen without any one should come to the edge of the precipice; and even then they would, in all probability, have been supposed to have been rocks. The water was as smooth as gla.s.s, and when it was broad daylight, the men hung listlessly over the sides of the boats, looking at the corals below, and watching the fish as they glided between.

"I can't say, Mr Simple," said Mr Chucks to me in an undertone "that I think well of this expedition; and I have an idea that some of us will lose the number of our mess. After a calm comes a storm; and how quiet is everything now! But I'll take off my great coat, for the sun is hot already. c.o.xswain, give me my jacket."

Mr Chucks, had put on his great coat, but not his jacket underneath, which he had left on one of the guns on the main deck, all ready to change as soon as the heavy dew had gone off. The c.o.xswain handed him the jacket, and Mr Chucks threw off his great coat to put it on; but when it was opened, it proved, that by mistake he had taken away the jacket, surmounted by two small epaulets, belonging to Captain Kearney, which the captain's steward, who had taken it out to brush, had also laid upon the same gun.

"By all the n.o.bility of England!" cried Mr Chucks, "I have taken away the captain's jacket by mistake. Here's a pretty mess! if I put on my great coat I shall be dead with sweating; if I put on no jacket I shall be roasted brown; but if I put on the captain's jacket I shall be considered disrespectful."

The men in the boats t.i.ttered; and Mr Phillot, who was in the launch next to us, turned round to see what was the matter, O'Brien was sitting in the stern-sheets of the launch with the first lieutenant, and I leaned over and told them.

"By the powers! I don't see why the captain's jacket will be at all hurt by Mr Chucks putting it on," replied O'Brien; "unless, indeed, a bullet were to go through it, and then it won't be any fault of Mr Chucks."

"No," replied the first lieutenant; "and if one did, the captain might keep the jacket, and swear that the bullet went round his body without wounding him. He'll have a good yarn to spin. So put it on, Mr Chucks; you'll make a good mark for the enemy."

"That I will stand the risk of with pleasure," observed the boatswain to me, "for the sake of being considered a gentleman. So here's on with it."

There was a general laugh when Mr Chucks pulled on the captain's jacket, and sank down in the stern-sheets of the cutter, with great complacency of countenance. One of the men in the boat that we were in thought proper, however, to continue his laugh a little longer than Mr Chucks considered necessary, who, leaning forward, thus addressed him: "I say, Mr Webber, I beg leave to observe to you, in the most delicate manner in the world--just to hint to you--that it is not the custom to laugh at your superior officer. I mean just to insinuate, that you are a d.a.m.ned impudent son of a sea cook; and if we both live and do well, I will prove to you, that if I am to be laughed at in a boat with the captain's jacket on, that I am not to be laughed at on board the frigate with the boatswain's rattan in my fist; and so look out, my hearty, for squalls, when you come on the forecastle; for I'll be d.a.m.ned if I don't make you see more stars than G.o.d Almighty ever made, and cut more capers than all the dancing masters in France. Mark my words, you burgoo-eating, pea-soup-swilling, trowsers-scrubbing son of a b.i.t.c.h!"