I felt his body heat gradually penetrating my clothes, my skin, then trying to grope its way into my heart. His kisses, like the lava of a volcano, melted my lips. I felt my body plunging right into this dark, fiery pit of pa.s.sion and danger.

Suddenly a sadness. .h.i.t me so hard that I pushed him away. I started to weep, then sobbed involuntarily. My whole body shook like a tiny boat in a merciless storm.

Finally Philip let go of me. "Meng Ning, I'm so sorry. Are you all right?"

I shook my head.

"Did I...offend you?"

"I don't know. Philip, I'm just engaged to Michael and now I feel strongly attracted to you. That's not right!"

"Love has nothing to do with being right or wrong." He tilted my chin and his penetrating eyes peered into mine; their expansiveness reminded me of the vast blue sky, the fathomless ocean. His voice was soft and tender like a feather. "Do you love Michael?"

I remained silent, overwhelmed by his mere presence and desire.

"If you don't, feel free to love me. I'm all yours." He kissed my hand, then pressed it against his chest. "Feel my heart, Meng Ning. It's beating for you."

"Philip, just let me go home."

He kept staring at me, but didn't say a word.

"Please, Philip."

He pulled my face close to his. "Meng Ning, look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me."

"Sorry, but I...can't. I'm very confused. I should've stayed with Yi Kong and been a nun!"

"No, you're not going to be a nun," Philip said, starting to kiss me again.

I had to use sheer willpower to push him and my desire away. "Please, Philip, I really have to go home."

"All right, if that's what you really really want." He planted a kiss on my forehead, stood up abruptly, and held his hand out to help me up. want." He planted a kiss on my forehead, stood up abruptly, and held his hand out to help me up.

The next day I woke up late with a splitting headache, dry lips, and aching all over my body. Scenes from last night with Philip kept spinning in my head. I tried to listen to music, read, and meditate. But nothing worked. Philip's hot kisses still seemed to linger on my lips, melting my heart and my body. Was I betraying Michael? Did I make the right choice to be his fiancee, or should I return to Hong Kong to take refuge with Yi Kong? How could I be attracted to another man so quickly? Was I becoming a s.l.u.t?

The air felt a bit chilly and I rubbed my arms. The Guan Yin pendant that I'd laid down on the sofa now seemed to be smiling at me, whether at my misgivings or ignorance I could not tell. This was the amulet that Yi Kong had dropped down to me in the well seventeen years before. Then the G.o.ddess of Mercy had come toward me in the subterranean darkness, riding on a fish. I had found peace of mind for the first time in her spiritual presence, amidst the stink of rotten vegetation and mildew. Later in Golden Lotus Temple, I had admired the nuns' kind faces and compa.s.sionate deeds....

I felt an impulse to bare my thoughts and pour my soul out to a female. Since the G.o.ddess of Mercy was, after all, but a gold-plated miniature painting, I needed a woman friend to turn to, but I had none here except...

21.

Why Don't You Try It with a Woman?

When Lisa opened the door, I felt instantly soothed by the fragrance of wild ginger flower. Her face, framed by the half-closed door with the light flooding at her back, looked soft and inviting. I followed her inside her apartment as if in a trance.

"Make yourself at home, Meng Ning. I'm going to get us something to drink."

I looked around. The walls were painted white and the floor partly covered by dark green, intricately patterned rugs. The furniture included two bookshelves, a coffee table, and a reddish-brown wooden chest with bronze drawer handles. The feeling of simplicity and cleanliness pleased me. But what caught my attention were the paintings covering the main wall. They were huge, and I could now feel the strong yet disturbing energy emanating from the many circles and lines. Though impressive, somehow the whole effect still didn't look quite right to me. Was Lisa deliberately striving for confusion?

"Lisa, your paintings are very...powerful," I said, lowering myself onto the sofa next to a large window.

"Thanks." She was busy with the refrigerator in the small kitchen, her dress straining at her hips. Then she came to put down on the coffee table a tray with two gla.s.ses and handed me one.

"It's your c.o.ke-with a squirt of rum in it."

She sat down on the sofa opposite me and crossed her legs. Her toenails, painted a phosph.o.r.escent bronze, gave out a few sparks as she flicked her toes. The silver filigreed ankle bracelets twinkled in response.

It had started to rain outside. We sipped our drinks in silence while I studied her-the tawny motes flickering in her dark amber eyes, the curves of her long lashes matching those of her nose. I had always been fascinated by women, though my feelings were not at all erotic.

The beautiful female s.e.x.

I never have thought that beauty is merely skin deep. I was sure even Yi Kong, as a nun, agreed. The novices she'd picked to be around her were all pretty. Not to mention her exquisite art collection. Beauty always whispers mystery, and how can mystery just be on the surface? Maybe that was the reason I was now attracted to Philip?

Lisa looked at me curiously. "Meng Ning, what is it? Please tell me."

"Hmmm...just a bit confused, so I need someone to talk to."

"So, what's your problem, a fight with Michael because of me?"

I remained silent.

"Meng Ning, you should open yourself more to the world. And to men, too."

Did she already know what had happened between me and Philip last night?

"Are you mad that I was Michael's fiancee?"

I shook my head. "No, there's something else on my mind."

"You've been sheltered too long by the nuns, and now by Michael. That's not healthy."

"What do you mean?"

She stood up and came to sit down next to me. Then her hand started to stroke my hair, tenderly, as if I were her little sister. The rhythmic touches were soothing, almost hypnotic.

"You're a very attractive woman, so I think maybe you should date other men besides Michael. You know, now Asian women are hot among American men. What do you think about Philip?"

My heart started to pound. I blurted out, "Do you already know what happened yesterday?"

"You mean you already had s.e.x with Philip?" She didn't look surprised, but amused.

"Oh no, not like that, but..." I took a big gulp of my drink.

Suddenly I noticed Lisa's hand had already moved from my hair down to my collar bone, then shoulder. Now she leaned her face very close to mine, staring at me long and hard. "Tell me, Meng Ning, do you think s.e.x is bad?"

"No, hmmm..." I put down the gla.s.s.

"It's nothing wrong, right?" She tapped her head. "It's only wrong in people's heads."

Seeing that I didn't respond, she continued. "Even Buddhism teaches that s.e.x is good. For Tibetans, s.e.x is the way to enlightenment."

She refilled my drink. "When you come, there's no place for the mind, only the experiencing of the moment. There's no separation-you become truly one with your partner." She went on, a mischievous smile on her face. "The guy is famous for seducing reluctant women and giving them unprecedented pleasure."

"Lisa-" I was slowly absorbing the shock. "Do you think what I did was wrong? Being engaged to Michael and attracted to Philip?" I took another gulp of my c.o.ke.

"So what? That doesn't mean you can't have a little fun, does it? Meng Ning, you're taking things too seriously. Relax. Life should be a party!"

"Then does it mean that when you were engaged to Michael you also had a little fun?"

"Sure." She didn't bat an eyelid. "That's why we split up. Michael's just like you; he can't relax."

"But I think you told me he left you for someone else."

"Take it easy, Meng Ning." She was playing with my hair. "You know Michael's past. That's why he's always starving for affection."

I didn't know how to respond. Then suddenly I noticed her hand, like a predator, was now perching on my breast.

I felt blood rush to my cheeks. "Lisa, what are you-"

"Meng Ning, relax, it's no big deal."

"But-" I realized that it was already the umpteenth time that I'd used the word "but."

"You're a Buddhist, right? So let go of your inhibition, detach from your puritanical rules and live in the moment. Rules are not made by G.o.d, but people, and most of them are p.r.i.c.ks anyway." Now she studied me as if I were an elementary school student. "For Christ's sake, Meng Ning, I'm just trying to educate you!" Then her tone softened. "Believe me, it doesn't hurt to give it a try."

"Try what?"

She handed me my gla.s.s. "Have more; it'll help to relax you."

I took a long swig under her scrutinizing eyes.

"Every woman should try it at least once with another woman. I'm sure you'll like it. It'll feel much more open and free than with a man-"

"Lisa, stop that. I'm not a lesbian!"

"You don't have to be. Are you an American, because you speak English?"

I was speechless.

"Me neither," she said, then, as if I didn't understand, added, "I'm not a d.y.k.e."

"Then why do you want-"

"There shouldn't be any distinctions. I like both."

"Both what?" I felt my vision blur and a headache coming.

She lowered her voice as if to tell a secret. "Both s.e.xes. As long as I find them attractive." She paused to sip her drink, then added, "You know what, Meng Ning? I had a crush on you the instant I saw you at the Met. Do you know when you leaned your delicate head against Michael's broad shoulder, you looked so d.a.m.n cute and vulnerable? I already imagined making love to you-"

"Lisa!"

Oblivious of my reaction, she went on, searching my eyes, "Ahhh...Meng Ning, you're still like a little girl. That's why I'm here for you." She paused for a few moments before she went on. "Innocence is irresistible..." she almost sang, while her hand lightly pressed my nipple.

"Lisa, please stop-"

"Don't worry. I'll be very gentle." She drew close to me and began to lick my neck; her voice sounded as if it were coming from a deep, delirious dream.

I was trying to resist, but her kissing was becoming ardent. She shifted her weight and moved her leg to lock mine. It was then that her loose cotton slacks slid up, revealing her legs-one muscular and the other shriveled. While tears stung my eyes at the pathetic sight, somehow I also felt strangely moved.

"It's OK, Meng Ning. Feels good, doesn't it?" she purred, misunderstanding my tears of compa.s.sion for something else.

Quickly she peeled off my blouse, then slipped her hand under my bra. I was still staring at her leg, feeling both too intrigued and appalled to respond. Then I felt her unhook my bra, and her fingers slowly traced around my nipples.

Now seemingly in a state of complete intoxication, her eyes closed; she began to lick the inside of my ears. This time the tickling became so unbearable that I involuntarily jerked.

"Feels wonderful, eh? I know you like it."

I tried but failed to speak, or think. Her moist, ginger-flowered breath was all over my face. The sight of her shriveled leg struck something deep inside me that I had not known existed. Then the tickle became so intense that I involuntarily closed my eyes, letting shudders escape me like a fish released back to the sea.

Lisa became more aggressive in her advances. She moved her burning lips all over me. When she was pressing her tongue on my collarbone, I opened my eyes and saw her full b.r.e.a.s.t.s, now completely bare, pressing against mine. This was the first time I had actually seen another woman's b.r.e.a.s.t.s naked, except, of course, my mother's when I was a child. In Golden Lotus Temple, any contours would be either hidden under loose, thick robes as if they didn't exist, or flattened under layers of cloth as if they were diseases trying to break out.

I couldn't take my eyes off Lisa's swelling flesh tipped with large nipples like embroidered plum-blossoms. Bits of perspiration glowed there like pink dew.

Suddenly she squirmed; my hand jerked and brushed against the plum-blossom. Wisps of her hair touched my face; her warm skin sent a tremor down my spine. I remembered after the fire when I'd accidentally stroked Yi Kong's shoulder. But the touch felt different, because Yi Kong was a nun, while Lisa was a worldly woman, who now shifted and moaned breathlessly, her hair spilling over her shoulders and her head falling to the side.

I snapped, "Lisa, stop it-"

But I was not able to finish my sentence, for she had already sealed my lips with hers. The wild ginger flower fragrance coiled around me like a heavy net into which I helplessly plunged....

22.

The Dying Kitten After I'd left Lisa's apartment feeling totally confused, angry, and sorry for myself, I was not in a mood to go back to the empty apartment and so I headed for the comforting aromas of Chinatown.