ONE GOOD MEMORY.

BY.

BADSQUIRREL.

PART ONE.

THE FURTHER FROM camp Robin got, the more she relaxed. The river was seldom more than thigh deep and she waded along, emptying her mind of her family's expectations and loving exhortations. Sometimes she wished she had a family that lived in denial of her s.e.xuality. She knew her life would be worse if they did, but it grew tiresome at times. They all wanted her to find a new lover and they all had their own ideas about how and where she should start looking. All of her siblings were still in their first marriages and had at least one child. Robin thought they were slightly offended that she had dared to leave Tammy and ruin the family's perfect record. Except for her mother, and possibly her brother Bruce, none of them really understood how intolerable the relations.h.i.+p had become.

Robin didn't know what had changed for Tammy after 11 years together, but it seemed that she had woken up cranky and vituperative one day and had never gotten over it. Robin had not been able to do anything right or make her smile or earn a kind word regardless of her efforts for over a year. While she couldn't figure out what she had done to deserve it, she couldn't shake the nagging feeling that it had somehow been her fault.

The final straw had been on their twelfth anniversary. Robin was at the edge of her ability to cope, but they had been together for a long time and she wanted to make one last effort to get through to her. She had purchased a lovely diamond pendant for Tammy and taken the afternoon off work to create a special candlelight dinner. She hoped that her effort would be seen and appreciated, but she ended up eating alone.

Tammy had come home near midnight, drunk. By then, Robin had gone through the entire house and packed up everything that she really cared about and needed. It was all in her car waiting for her and she was resigned to leaving everything else-all of the furniture and books and knick-knacks-behind. She had removed everything that was irreplaceable to her and was sitting at the table with the congealed remnants of their anniversary dinner when Tammy staggered in and asked: "What the h.e.l.l are you doing?"

"Celebrating our twelfth anniversary."

"Why?"

It was over for Robin in that single moment. "That's exactly what I've been asking myself for the last 4 hours," she said tiredly. She stood, picked up a small key ring and held it out to Tammy. "These are the keys to your car and this apartment. I would like my car keys back now."

"What?" Tammy looked utterly confused.

"Please give me the keys to my car." She took Tammy's keys from her hand, quickly removed what she wanted and handed the rest back.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving, Tammy." She watched the familiar features of a total stranger taking it all in. "You don't love me and I can't bear to be around you anymore. I don't know what I did-if I did anything at all-but it's over between us. All the bills are paid. I've got everything I want. You can have everything else."

Tammy looked drunk, but she seemed to be unaffected. "Okay, then. Bye," she added as an afterthought.

Robin had left quietly and checked into a motel for the night. Tammy's apathy had broken something inside of her and she had cried until she was sick. She had the resources to find another apartment right away, but her mother had begged her to come home and she had ended up in her childhood bedroom. It had been four months and she was still in the process of healing.

If not for her job as the a.s.sistant manager for the local franchise of a chain supermarket, she likely would have become a total hermit. Her family and friends had been after her to start living again, but she was tormented by the fact that she didn't know what had happened between Tammy and herself. She worried that if she didn't understand, she would be doomed to repeat the past.

The annual family camping trip had come around and Robin had looked forward to it in hopes that it would allow her an opportunity to reconnect with herself. Today was the first chance she'd had to get away from her family and begin to search for inner balance and harmony. With each step she let go of the cliche advice her family had been heaping on her: There are plenty of fish in the sea... Love will be waiting when you least expect it...There's a woman out there right now looking for you... You've got to get back on the horse...It's not good for you to be alone. The list went on and on. She knew they just wanted her to be happy, but there were so many of them and only one of her and it had become relentless.

Robin had thrown leftovers from 2 days of camping in her daypack along with water, beer, a towel, sunscreen and binoculars and started walking. Before coming on the camping trip she had studied a map of the area so she knew that theirs was the last campground on the river and the rest of the still undeveloped area was owned by the state's Power Company. The chance that she would run into another human being was extremely remote. With that in mind, she had indulged in the warmth of the day at the first opportunity and stripped down to just her sneakers. She knew that it was still a risk, but if she ran into someone with nefarious intentions, shorts and a T-s.h.i.+rt weren't likely to protect her and perhaps her vulnerability would make her more likely to run before it was too late.

It was impossible at first to avoid feeling as if she were being watched, but over time it faded and she was able to enjoy the sensuality of wind, water and sun on bare skin. With no destination in mind and no time frame, Robin meandered and allowed herself to be distracted by every little thing. She investigated wildflowers and took the time to creep up on a lizard until she was able to touch its tail before it darted away. With her binoculars she was able to watch a red-tailed hawk cruising for a meal and tiny songbirds flitting busily through the trees. She watched two blue jays for almost 10 minutes as they sat back on their tail feathers and fought with their feet. One of them finally captured the other by its beak and calmly held it off. Robin laughed so hard it scared them away.

The boundaries of flesh seemed to expand and she became hyper aware of the life and beauty that surrounded her. This was what she had been hoping for. This was what she needed.

She was standing in the middle of the small river watching a jackrabbit nervously eating roots when something b.u.mped into her knee. She looked down in surprise and made a grab for the tennis shoe that was floating past. She stood staring at it, not quite understanding what it was doing here, and saw something with blue and white stripes floating off to her left. Without thinking about it, she chased it down.

She held someone's shorts in her hand. Together with the shoe, she realized that someone was upriver from her. Robin crouched to make herself small and looked around nervously. Unless someone was in the trees, she appeared to be alone. The shoe was a woman's shoe, size 8, and the shorts were feminine in cut. A flash of white in the water drew her and she held up a dripping sock.

Robin reasoned that there was a woman upstream who had somehow lost her clothes in the current. Whether or not she was alone she didn't know. She debated with herself for several minutes, then decided to continue her trek slowly and cautiously. She kept her eyes open for more clothing and for the owner, but didn't see anything for almost 15 minutes.

A sports bra had snagged on a branch and was lazily surfing the current until Robin untangled it. It occurred to her that none of the articles she had found so far belonged to a man and that there was a woman ahead of her who was probably as naked as she was. Robin relaxed a bit and couldn't help grinning as she walked. She listened for voices and studied the surrounding terrain carefully, but she expected to find a single person. She located the other sock and a pair of simple cotton underwear before stepping around a rock face and spotted a woman sunning herself on a large flat rock in mid-stream.

Robin ducked back and began searching the landscape for other people. With her binoculars she was able to determine that the woman was currently alone. She turned the gla.s.ses on the woman and studied her. It had been a long time since Robin had seen a naked woman. While it didn't make her feel particularly s.e.xual she couldn't stop looking and an awareness began to surface in her own body.

The woman was blond and slender, but generous in breast and hip. Combined with the fineness of her features, Robin thought she pretty much defined the word voluptuous. It made her feel clumsy and gaunt in comparison. About the best she could say of her body was that she was fit and strong. She tried to imagine how the blond would feel against her and suddenly realized what she was doing.

I'm such a pervert! Spying on a woman with binoculars and thinking about s.e.x! She angrily shoved the gla.s.ses into her pack and rolled the clothes into the shorts to keep them together. She doesn't look aware that she's lost these and there's no telling how far she is from her camp. She could be in real trouble without them. She's only got one shoe left and that won't get her far.

Putting herself in the blonde's shoes, figuratively, she decided not to get dressed before approaching. She hoped that seeing a naked woman would lessen the surprise that she was no longer alone. Robin walked out to the middle of the river and began to walk towards her.

She began to call out almost immediately, but there was no response. She called again from about 10 yards away. "h.e.l.lo!"

The woman sat up in panic and tried to cover herself. Her last shoe fell into the current and Robin moved to intercept it. Just as she lunged and felt her hand close on it, her foot slipped and the river tumbled her over and over. Getting her feet under her again, Robin stood up with a laugh and flung her shoulder-length hair back. She still had all of the clothes and the shoe that had precipitated her submersion in her hands and she held them up triumphantly. The blond glanced around her and seemed to realize that she had lost everything. She visibly relaxed as Robin made her way back to the rock, though she did search the landscape for more people.

"Don't worry, I'm alone," Robin laughed. "I was wading downstream a ways and started running into clothes. I thought whoever lost them might need them back." She set the bundled clothes on the rock. "I believe these are yours?"

The woman brushed her long hair back over her shoulder and began to unfold herself. "I didn't realize I had lost them. Thank you."

Her voice was smooth as gla.s.s, but rich as honey and Robin felt her heart beat a little faster. She was quite lovely up close and her eyes were a charming shade of blue. Her knees began to knock underwater. "You're welcome."

"So, tell me," the blond said with amus.e.m.e.nt. "Is there someone downstream gathering up your clothing as well?"

Robin felt a blush coming on and she tried to cover it with a laugh. "No. It's all in my backpack."

"They're probably wet now, too."

Robin slipped her arm out of a strap and swung the soggy pack around to set it on the rock. She unzipped it and laughed. "Looks like we're in the same boat."

The blond gathered up her things and slid into the water. "Come on," she said over her shoulder. "We can lay everything out to dry in the sun."

Robin followed her, guiltily enjoying the view from behind and set her pack on the sand. She hung her clothing out on nearby branches and returned to a.s.sess any water damage to the other contents of her pack. "Thank G.o.d for Tupperware and Ziploc."

The blond knelt next to her curiously. "What else have you got in there?"

"Lunch, beer, water, binoculars and sunscreen. Don't you have anything? Or did I just not find it downstream?"

"I'm only about 30 minutes from camp, though I expect it would have seemed longer if I'd had to make my way back naked and shoeless. Thanks for rescuing me."

"No problem," Robin shrugged casually. "Would you like a beer?"

The woman accepted a can. "I usually make a point of not drinking with strangers."

She held out her hand. "Robin."

"Maryl."

Robin tried not to think about the warmth of the hand she held. "Merrill?"

Maryl spelled her name and let go of her hand. "My mother wanted me to be named Mariel, but the nurse didn't know how to spell it. Hence, Mary-l."

Robin grinned as she popped the tab on her own beer. "Your name is a typo?"

Maryl tucked her hair behind one ear. "Sometimes it's the simple things that throw you for a loop."

Robin was enchanted and she used dumping the water out of her pack and putting the food back in it to give herself a slight breather. She pushed it into a shady spot and sat down in the sand. "So, what brings you out on the river today?" She admired Maryl's legs as she stretched them out on the sand and relaxed back on her hands. Robin's peripheral vision was focused on the blonde thatch where the slender legs came together and she felt ashamed for noticing.

"I'm on a week long getaway. There are seven of us-all women."

"Are you co-workers?"

"No." Maryl glanced at her and took a long drink of beer. "It's kind of a...support group. I'm the newest member and I don't seem to be fitting in very well. After three days of talking non-stop about grief and loss, I just needed to get away for a while."

"Grief and loss?" Robin shook her head with a rueful grin. "Sounds like my life of late." She had noticed that Maryl was watching her surrept.i.tiously and decided abruptly to cut to the chase. "Do they accept lesbians?" She held her breath as she waited for a reaction.

Maryl's eyebrow arched dramatically. "We are lesbians. What are the odds, eh?"

Robin smiled in relief. "That 2 naked lesbians with broken hearts would meet on a river in the middle of nowhere? Astronomical, I guess, though I think I remember hearing a joke that started like this once."

"Let's make a pact." Maryl's eyes were twinkling. "Let's not talk about ex's or broken hearts or sad things. Let's just leave all that far away and enjoy this lovely day."

"Well, gee," Robin chuckled. "Whatever will we talk about?"

"We don't have to talk about anything. We can just sit here and get drunk."

"I only brought three," Robin said with regret.

"Then we'll pretend to be drunk. Work with me, Robin. Work with me."

Robin laughed at her dramatic gestures. "Okay. Do you do this sort of thing often?"

"Drink beer? Now and then."

"No. Drape yourself on a rock and kick your clothes in the river to see who comes calling."

Maryl pushed at Robin's shoulder. "It seemed like it was isolated enough that I could try it. I've never been camping before and skinny dipping seemed like part of the whole experience."

Robin grinned. "It's only skinny-dippin' if you do it at night."

"What's it called in the daytime?"

"Indecent exposure."

"Ha!" Maryl acted as if she were just getting a really bad joke. "Ha! You're killing me!" She laughed and flipped her hair back in a totally unconscious gesture. "What kind of work do you do?"

"I'm the a.s.sistant manager of a supermarket."

"Sounds exciting."

Robin scrunched her face up. "Ranks right up there with making gravel by hand."

"You don't like it?"

"No, I do like it; it's interesting and challenging. But I wouldn't exactly call it exciting." She pulled one knee up and wrapped her arm around it. "What about you?"

"I'm a bookkeeper slash receptionist in a medical office." She shrugged. "I guess it ranks pretty close to what you do in terms of excitement, but it keeps me busy and it pays the bills."

Robin wanted to know everything about this woman and she searched for something to talk about just so she could hear her voice. "What did you want to be when you grew up? When you were a kid, I mean."

"Truth?" Maryl sighed and stared off across the water. "I wanted to be a dancer when I was small, but then I decided I wanted to be a photographer for National Geographic. I used to have an old Instamatic camera-it was broken-and I wandered around taking pictures all the time. It drove my family nuts having me clicking and winding away at them so I started taking pictures of scenery. I pretended I was on adventure in Africa and Thailand and Antarctica. Anywhere, really. Our dog, Freckles, was alternately a lion or a polar bear-whatever I happened to need at the time. My family thought I was terribly neurotic." Maryl smiled. "Turns out they may have been right. At least from their point of view." She laughed at herself. "What did you dream about?"

Robin rested her chin on her knee. "A little bit of everything I suppose. I didn't have a single dream like you. I wanted to be an astronaut and a cowboy and a scientist depending on what day it was. I thought about being a tennis player for awhile. I remember watching Billie Jean King when I was little and she impressed me. But my athletic skills are pretty pathetic so I went into management."

"Well, if you can't be what you want, be in charge. Sounds like a good motto. Maybe you should put it on a T-s.h.i.+rt and market it."

Robin finished her beer with a smile and tossed the empty can in the neighborhood of her pack. Beer always went straight to her bladder and now was no exception. With no other convenient options, she stood up and waded into the water. Facing upstream, she crouched down and used her hands to wash sand off her b.u.t.t. Resting her elbows on her knees, she saw Maryl watching her curiously. "Don't watch."

"Watch what?"

"I can't do it if you're watching. I hardly know you."

Maryl's eyes opened wide. "You're doing it in the river?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

Maryl looked around quickly. "I guess not." She stood up and began making her way carefully into the water.

"What are you doing?"

"I have to go, too."

Robin pointed at her feet. "You should put your shoes on. It saves your feet."

Maryl got back out to get her shoes and waded back in. By the time she crouched a few feet away, Robin was done and she watched Maryl's eyes close in relief. "You haven't been camping before, have you?"

"Nope," Maryl said easily. "And I've got to tell you, the whole sleeping on the ground thing is completely overrated. I wake up feeling like I've been beaten with sticks. And I hate the sleeping bags. You can't even move in them. It's like being tied up in a blanket."

"You've got one of those survival type mummy bags, don't you?"

"The clerk said it was good to 20 below zero."

"But it only gets down to about 50 here."

Maryl glared. "You're a big help, Robin."