"You ssssssseem m-m-mmad."

I was disappointed. I was upset. I was confused. I was jealous as h.e.l.l of Megan Simons, but I wasn't mad at Elliott.

"I have to go. My lunch is up."

"B-b-but you d-didn't eat. W-w-will you be o-o-okay?"

I ignored the question because I was tired of having to talk about eating and cooking and food all the time. "Thanks for coming to see me. I'll see you tomorrow, Elliott."

I popped open the door, but as I tried to get out, he latched onto my finger. I stilled and swallowed hard, but didn't look at him. If I did, he'd break something inside me, and I didn't want to feel it. I didn't know if I could handle anything else breaking. Especially after I'd worked so hard to not have anything left to break.

"I have to go."

"D-d-don't be mmmmad."

"I'll see you Monday."

I got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked back into the store to clock back in, incredibly ready for the day to be over. Megan Simons was standing next to her register and I nodded h.e.l.lo to her. I wanted to pull her stupid hair out and ask her what the h.e.l.l she had that I didn't in order to get Elliott to touch her.

Well, Elliott touched me, but he mainly focused on my hands and, much to my displeasure, my face, while never going near all the good parts.

"You and Elliott, huh?"

I stopped and regarded her. She wasn't a bad person, and it wasn't that I disliked her, but I wasn't sure I could ever spend much time with her.

"Yeah. We hang out." I took a deep breath and walked over to her. "So you've done him, right?"

The smile she wore made me want to break her face. "Yeah."

"So what's up with that?" I asked, even though I wasn't quite sure I wanted the details.

"You want to know?"

"Did I not just ask about it, Meg?"

She smiled and got real close as if she was going to spill some deep secret that no one else could know. "It was freshman year and there was a big bonfire at the Reynolds' farm. He was there, which was odd because ever since he'd come to Damascus, I would only see him at school, and occasionally with Jane at the store or whatever."

As fascinating as that was, I just wanted to know about the f.u.c.king. I c.o.c.ked an eyebrow.

"He was pretty much glued to Jane the whole night, except when she went off with Trent. Cierra kept talking about Elliott being gay and I was like, 'no way' and she was all, 'he's totally gay,' and I told her to prove it, and she told me to prove that he wasn't."

I ground my teeth together. Her casual demeanor made me sick. "And?"

"So I did. I jumped him. He's got nice lips."

Well, s.h.i.t. I f.u.c.king knew his lips were nice. "And?"

"What? You want the blow by blow?"

"No pun intended, I imagine?"

Megan chuckled, but shook her head. "He didn't want me to, so I didn't go down on him." Thank the FSM. "But he did go down on me and it was hot. He's, like, really skilled at it. I mean, I was a freshman and all, so it wasn't like I had a lot to go on, but it was really, really good."

I was p.i.s.sed. I didn't really care that Elliott had done those things, but more that he'd done those things with Megan, and now refused to do them with me. It was confusing and it p.i.s.sed me right off.

"I could tell he was a virgin, but he was a skilled virgin."

I was getting pretty annoyed, so I asked, "Did he f.u.c.k you, or not?"

She licked her lips and I swear there was a twinkle in her eye. "Yes, Sophie, his d.i.c.k was in me. He's got a lot of stamina too."

I rolled my eyes. "I've got to go put f.u.c.king Santa up on the G.o.dd.a.m.n shelves."

As I walked away, I ignored her when she told me to have fun. I worked in silence for nearly forty-five minutes until Brody tossed several bags of tinsel at me. I looked up, and tried to pull myself out of my head. All I kept thinking about was not being able to have s.e.x with Elliott, and the fact that I was completely sober.

"What?"

Brody shook his head, but kept the smile on his face. "You're all anti-social now. Quit fuming about whatever's going on in that head of yours and talk to me again."

I sucked in a deep breath, stood up a little straighter, and blinked. I kept myself occupied by straightening the ceramic angels on the shelf, wishing my mind was also blissfully occupied with something other than the image of Elliott doing Megan at a bonfire.

"Was that your boyfriend?"

"Um..." I said brilliantly.

Was he my boyfriend or did we just hang out? I would have thought that being someone's girlfriend ent.i.tled me to d.i.c.k benefits, but I didn't know what the h.e.l.l I was with Elliott, and at some point I would have to ask or define it myself. If I didn't want to be anyone's girlfriend, could he really be called my boyfriend? And all that aside, did I want him to have a t.i.tle like that? And what the h.e.l.l did all that boyfriend-girlfriend s.h.i.t mean anyway?

But I couldn't think of any other way to define what Elliott was to me. "Friend" was too cheap of a word, and he certainly wasn't just someone I messed around with.

"Yeah," I answered, sighing, "I guess so."

I didn't even bother pretending like I wasn't going to get high Monday morning. In fact, it was my first priority. Sunday night was horrible, and I'd had way too many thoughts.

I woke up a little late, so my time with Tom was limited to roughly ten minutes. The thing about "firemedics" was that they were all incredibly dedicated and rarely called in sick. I thought Tom wanted to, but then decided he didn't have a clue as to what to do with me if we both stayed home, so he went to work. Once the SUV had pulled out of the driveway, I was out on the side porch, putting flame to the pipe. I called Aiden afterward and told him to bring some of his s.h.i.t to school and that I'd talk to him before first period.

There was a part of me that felt horrible, because Elliott would hate that I was getting high again, but a bigger part of me didn't necessarily care. I liked getting high. No matter how much I'd like to change myself to be perfect for him, there was no way I would ever be what he deserved.

Every time I tried not to get high, something happened and I couldn't do it. Yesterday I only did it one time before work, and then Elliott had replaced my mid-shift smoke. I didn't smoke again until that man's face appeared as I closed my eyes to sleep. I took a couple of puffs out of the window and it made my mind all warm and soft again. That man was still in my head after that, but his face was fuzzy and his voice was distorted until it was simply background noise.

Elliott picked me up as had become his habit. He was wearing his faded jeans and a plain gray t-shirt that I could just barely see through the "V" at the neck of his coat. He looked so hot. He'd taken off his hat, revealing his beautiful hair, and it lay on his lap. Usually his hair was so neat and tame, but his hat head resulted in s.e.x hair. His cheeks and nose were slightly reddened from the cold. In short, he was gorgeous.

"Hey," I said by way of greeting. He seemed relieved. I wondered if he thought I was going to keep holding onto what happened in the car. I hoped he didn't think I was like that. I was pretty good at just boxing that kind of disappointing s.h.i.t up and tucking it away somewhere to be dealt with at a later date. Or not at all.

"H-hhhhhhey, SSS-SSoph-phie."

I was silent on the ride to school. I could tell that my silence was making him nervous, but I couldn't help it. I kept thinking about him going down on Megan Simons. The thought of Elliott doing that to almost anyone was hot, but why did he have to pick Megan? And why couldn't he ever feign interest in doing that to me?

Before I could get out of the car, he asked, "W-w-why did you get hhhhigh this m-morning?"

I was tired of explaining myself to everyone. Helen never wanted me to explain every little thing I did. She rarely even gave me a chance. "Because I wanted to."

"W-w-why?"

"I have to go get my books for first period."

"D-don't go to the w-w-woods w-with J-J-J-J..."

As much as I just wanted to be soft, kind, and loving and s.h.i.t with him, everything was annoying me today. Elliott telling me not to get high p.i.s.sed me off. I could get high if I wanted to, and I did want to.

It didn't dawn on me that today was Elliott's first day back after redefining his status last Monday by beating Anderson to a b.l.o.o.d.y stump, until I was out in the woods with Jason, getting blazed. He snubbed out the roach and replaced his lighter in his pocket, then ran his hand up the inside of my thigh. I quickly pushed it away.

"Jesus Christ, Sophie, you've got to be done with that s.h.i.t by now," he said, obviously thinking I was still on my fake period.

"I'm not going to have s.e.x with you anymore, Jason, so just stop."

"What?"

I shrugged and moved away from him. I wasn't entirely excited about this conversation. He'd already shown me that he felt more for me than I felt for him, and I had no clue how he would react.

"I don't want to have s.e.x with you anymore."

I could practically feel the air change around him. "What? Why? Because of Elliott Dalton?"

"No," I denied quickly, "because I know you keep thinking that someday I'll be your girlfriend and hold your hand and s.h.i.t, but that's not going to happen, Jace, ever."

He covered his heart with his hand, as if I'd actually wounded it.

"But you can hold hands with Dalton?" I had a look of surprise on my face before I could stop myself. "I'm not an idiot."

I sighed, because I knew he wasn't stupid and I hadn't exactly been discreet about my crush on Elliott, at least not with Jason. Maybe I should have handled the situation a little better. I knew he was nursing feelings for me, but I opted to ignore it. Now he was hurt.

I didn't know how to handle this s.h.i.t. It was stupid to have to care about Jason's feelings. I'd told him that I wasn't interested in that s.h.i.t the first day. I was truly torn. My instinct was to be the biggest b.i.t.c.h I could to make sure he knew I wasn't good for him and that I was done with it. But I didn't want to hurt Jace. I was incredibly confused.

"I'm sorry if you thought we had more, but if it's worth anything, I kind of think of you as a friend. I'm just not interested in anything more."

"And now you don't want to f.u.c.k?"

I shook my head.

"Well, s.h.i.t."

I picked up my bag and slung it over my shoulder, then shrugged. "I'm trying something new."

"Are you still going to smoke? The Daltons don't like-"

"Yeah, I don't know, Jace. Like I said, I'm trying new s.h.i.t. I have no effing clue what'll happen."

I turned to go because I was pretty much done with the whole conversation. It had gone better than I had antic.i.p.ated, and I wanted to end it now and get away from it completely, but he wrapped his hand around my wrist and stopped me.

Dirty breath in my ear that didn't belong to Jason sent chills down my spine that weren't caused by the winter climate. Sophie, be my dirty girl.

"f.u.c.k," I breathed, twirling around and pulling my wrist back as I shot my arm out and pushed at his stomach. I pushed and pulled so hard that I fell backward onto my a.s.s. "s.h.i.t."

I should have been high enough to stomp that s.h.i.t out of my head, but his disgusting voice broke through the pot's numbing waves.

"Jesus, I wasn't going to hurt you," Jace said as he leaned down and offered to help me up. I didn't take his hand, but I stood, and came face-to-face with him. He was eyeing me cautiously.

"Anderson's back today," he said as he followed me out of the woods.

"So?"

"What the h.e.l.l did he do to you at that party?"

I stopped, but didn't turn around. "Nothing."

"Like I just said, I'm not an idiot. I know something messed up happened because you were all weird. Then Dalton beat the s.h.i.t out of him last week. Anderson's f.u.c.ked with that kid since they moved here and Dalton's never said a word. Then suddenly he breaks Chris's face with his fists? Now you don't want to have s.e.x with me and you're riding to school with him every day. I'm not stupid," he repeated for a third time.

"It doesn't matter what happened with Anderson." I made my feet move again. There was only a minute or two before first bell.

He wrapped his hand around my upper arm to stop me. "Sophie."

I spun around and pushed him. "Stop f.u.c.king grabbing me."

His hands fell to his sides just as his face fell, like someone he loved just died. "I would never hurt you. Why do you always act like I will?"

I wrapped my arms around myself and ignored his question. Jason had a right to have his questions answered because regardless of how I felt about his feelings toward me, I knew I was to blame for them.

But I couldn't give him the answer he deserved.

Even though I knew Jace wasn't the type, it wasn't easy to let go of my basic belief that if given the chance, everyone would hurt me. For some reason, I actually really trusted Jace and I did think of him as a friend.

But grabbing hands and dirty words would never allow me to be completely comfortable with him.

The rest of Monday pa.s.sed just fine, except that instead of Elliott eating dinner at my house, I had to make it at his. Wallace and Tom thought it was a lovely night for a forced family therapy session.

I cooked quickly, but made sure to go slow enough for Elliott to see how to prepare a good pasta dish. I showed him how long to cook the pasta, and how to sweat some onions and garlic. He needed to know how to cook for himself. He was being nave if he thought there would be someone to do it for him for the rest of his life.

As I cooked, I wondered what else Elliott didn't know how to do for himself. Did he do his own laundry? Did he know how to properly clean the bathroom? What if he mixed the wrong chemicals? He could die. As I sat down in the chair in Dr. Dalton's home office, I remembered that Elliott was intelligent enough not to do something stupid like that. Still, I would have to find out, because if not, he would need to learn.

Wallace looked at Tom and folded her hands in her lap. He fidgeted in his seat.

"Tom, I feel that you and Sophie haven't been able to communicate, and I wanted to see if I could help with that. It's important to her well-being to have a safe forum to bring up some of the things that might be painful to discuss with you."

She turned to me. "Is there anything you want to talk about first?"

I tensed up because I did not want to talk about anything with Tom. We were doing just fine with him saying "good morning" and me saying "hey" every day. We didn't need to change anything by actually talking.

I shook my head and she turned back to him. "Tom?"