"Here's me frind, Gin'ral Fustian, wan iv th' gallantest men that has come out iv Kansas since Stormy Jordan's day, has been called down f'r on'y suggistin' that Sinitor h.o.a.r an' th' rest iv thim be hanged be th' heels. I'm with th' gallant gin'ral mesilf. I'm not sure but he'd like to hang me, though as ye know, me opinyions on th' Ph'lippeens is varyous an' I don't give a dam ayether way.

If he runs me to earth I on'y ast him as a fellow pathrite that he won't give me th' wather cure. Th' very thought iv it makes me flesh creep.

"But th' prisidint called him down. Afther th' publication iv th'

fifteenth speech whin ivry colledge pro-fissor in this broad an'

fair land was undher sintince iv death fr'm th' gin'ral, th'

prisidint wrote to him sayin': 'Dear Fred: Me attintion has been called to ye'er pathriotic utthrances in favor iv fryin' Edward Atkinson on his own cuk shtove. I am informed be me advisers that it can't be done. It won't fry beans. So I am compilled be th'

reg'lations iv war to give ye a good slap. How ar-re ye, ol'

commerade-in-arms? Ye ought to 've seen me on th' top iv San Joon hill. Oh, that was th' day! Iver, me dear Fred, reprovingly but lovingly, T. Rosenfelt, late colonel First United States Volunteers Calv'ry, betther known as th' Rough Riders, an' ex-officio prisidint iv th' United States.' That was wan f'r Fred. I wisht th' same cud be handed to Gin'ral Miles. Ivry time he opins his mouth, if 'tis on'y to say 'tis a fine day--which I must say is seldom--all they do to him is to break his back.

"'Tis a hard life, a sojer's, but a gloryous wan. I wisht me father had enthered me f'r a martial career instead iv tachin' me be precipt an' example to be quick on me feet. In these days whin a man gets to be a gin'ral because he's been a long time a doctor or because he's supprissed a naygur rite, 'tis me that wud go boundin' up to th' top iv th' laddher.

"'Janooary wan, Private Dooley distinguished himsilf at th' Battle iv Ogoowan in th' island iv Samar be rushin' out in a perfect h.e.l.l iv putty-b.a.l.l.s, rice, arrers, an' harsh cries, an' seizin' th'

gin'ral iv th' Tamalese an' batin' him over th' head with his own bean-blower.

"'Janooary twinty: Colonel Dooley iv th' hunderth an' eighth Macabebee scouts yisterdah administhered th' best an' muddyest part iv th' Gingong river to Gin'ral Alfico Bim in th' prisince iv a large an' smilin' audjeence. Th' ribil had rayfused to communicate his plans to th' gallant colonel, but afther he had had sufficient irrigation his conversation was more extinded. So was th' gin'ral.

"'Feb'ry eighth: Gin'ral Dooley, th' hayro iv th' Ph'lippeens who is at home with a large spleen which he got into him in our beautiful island possissions made a speech before th' Locoed club las' night.

He said we shud niver give up th' Ph'lippeens which had been wathered be some iv th best blood in our land--he might say all.

He didn't know much about th' constichoochion, but fr'm what he heerd about it fr'm a man in his rig'mint who cud spell, it wasn't intinded f'r use out iv coort. He thought no wan shud be ilicted to congress undher th' rank iv major. There was much talk iv pro-gress in lithrachoor an' science which he was in favor iv hangin'. All th' army needed was rope enough an' all wud be well.

Th' Supreme Coort was all right but if ye wanted justice hot out iv th' oven, ye shud see it administhered be three or four laughin'

sub-alturns on th' stumps iv threes, jus' afther lunch.

"'March eighth: Prisidint Dooley, chafin' at th' delay in th' Sinit requirin' all civilyans to submit their opinyons on th' tariff to th' neighborin' raycruitin' sergeant wanst a week, wint over to th' capitol this mornin' with a file iv sojers an' arristed th'

anti-administhration foorces who are now locked up in th' barn back iv th' White House. Th' prisidint was severely lacerated be Sinitor Tillman durin' th' encounther.'

"Yes, sir, I'd like to be a sojer. I want to be a military man.

An' yet I niver wanted to be a polisman. 'Tis sthrange, too, f'r if ye think it over they ain't th' lot iv diff'rence between th'

mos' ordhinry, flat-footed elbow that iver pulled wan leg afther another to mornin' roll-call an' th' gr-reatest gin'ral that iver wint through a war behind a band on horse. They both belong to th' race iv round-headed men. Whin ye lenthen th' head iv a man or dog, ye rayjooce his courage. That's thrue iv all but th'

bull-tarryer an' th' Turk. Both iv thim fight like th' divvle.

Th' jooties is much th' same but th' polisman's is harder. Th'

polisman has to fight night an' day but th' sojer on'y wanst a month. A man's got to be five foot nine to get on th' foorce.

He can be five foot eight an' get into th' army through West Pint, or three foot two an' get in through th' War Department. Didn't Mike Gilligan take more chances whin he wint up to th' patch where Red Starkey was holdin' th' fort with a Krupp gun an' took him be th' hand an' pivoted with him out iv a window, thin me frind Fearless Freddy win he a.s.sumed false whiskers, pretinded to be a naygur an' stole little Aggynaldoo out iv his flat? Ye wudden't expict a pathrolman to be promoted to be sergeant f'r kidnapin'

an organ-grinder, wud ye? An' Gilligan didn't ask f'r lave iv absence an' go down town to th' Union Lague Club an' tell th'

a.s.sembled mannyfactherers iv axle-grease what ought to be done with th' wather taxes. No, sir! What happened to Gilligan was at roll-call th' nex' mornin' th' Loot says: 'Officer Gilligan, in capturin' Starkey, ye reflicted gr-reat credit on this precinct an' ye'er own bringin' up. But I want ye to know, officer, that this important arrist is no excuse f'r ye goin' out an' loadin'

ye'ersilf to th' joo-pint with Hannigan's paint. Th' nex' time ye miss pullin' ye'er box, I'll have ye up befure th' thrile boord.

Put that in ye'er pipe an' smoke it, Mike Gilligan.' An' Gilligan blushed.

"No, sir, between th' two, th' polisman's life's th' hard wan.

He can't rethreat f'r reinfoorcemints or surrindher with all th'

honors iv war. If he surrindhers, he's kilt an' if he rethreats, his b.u.t.tons comes off. He gets no soord fr'm Congress whin he brings in Starkey be th' burnin' hair iv his head. If he's promoted to sergeant, he's sure to be bounced be th' first rayform administhration. He takes his ordhers, carries his stick iv timber up hill an' down dale undher th' gleamin' stars, has nawthin' to say but 'Move on there, now,' an' if his foot slips another round-headed man pushes him into a cell an' a impartyal jury iv men that's had throuble with th' polis befure convicts him heartily.

"Now, suppose Gilligan's father whin he was young had looked him over an' said: 'Agathy, Michael's head is per-fictly round.

It's like a baseball. 'Tis so pecoolyar. An' he has a fightin'

face. 'Tis no good thryin' to tache him a thrade. Let's make a sojer iv him.' An' he wint into th' army. If he'd done there what he's done in th' patch, 'tis Gin'ral Gilligan he'd be be this time--Gin'ral Gilligan stormin' th' heights iv San Joon Hill; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan suspindin' th' haveas corpus in th' Ph'lippeens an' th' anti-impeeryalists at home; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan capturin'

Aggynaldoo, an' he'd do it with bare hands an' without th' aid iv a mustache; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan abolishin' th' third reader; Gin'ral Mike Gilligan discoorsin' to th' public on 'Books I have niver read: Series wan, th' Histhry iv th' United States.' If his foot slips an' he grows a little cross with a pris'ner iv war on th' way to th' station an' dhrops his soord or his club on th' top iv him, is he up befure th' judge an' thried be a jury iv his peers?

Officer Mike, yes; Gin'ral Mike, no. Gin'ral Mike has no peers.

He raceives a letther notifyin' him that he has broken a human skull divine an' th' reg'lations iv th' army an' must be thried.

'Who will me brave frind have go through with this here austere but hail-fellow inquiry?' 'Oh, annywan will do. Anny iv th'

gallant lift'nants iv me brigade will do,' says Gin'ral Mike. So th' Gin'ral is put on thrile an' a frind iv his addhresses th'

coort. 'Gintlemen,' says he, 'th' question befure th' coort is not so much did our gallant leader hammer th' c.o.o.n as whether our flag wanst stuck up where we have wathered so many precious citizens shall iver come down. (Th' coort: 'No, no!') That's th' pint.

What do th' people at home who know nawthin' about this here war, excipt what we tell thim, what do they mane be subjectin' this here hayro, gray an' bent with infirmities but pretty spry at that, to this ignominy? He has fought f'r thim an' what have they done f'r him? In more thin wan year he has on'y risen fr'm th' rank iv captain to brigadier gin'ral an' his pay is less thin twinty times what it was. (Here th' coort weeps.) I ast ye, I ast ye, ye fine little boys, is it meet an' proper, nay, is it meat an' dhrink f'r us, to punish him?'

"An' th' coort puts th' vardict iv acquittal in th' shape iv th'

pop'lar song 'F'r he's a jolly good fellow' an' adds a ricommindation that Harvard colledge is gettin' too gay annyhow.

"That's th' diff'rence between sojer an' polisman. Why is it that th' fair sect wudden't be seen talkin' to a polisman, but if ye say 'Sojer' to thim, they're all out iv th' window but th' feet?

I want to know."

"I can't tell," said Mr. Hennessy. "I heerd a frind iv Willum J.

Bryan say we was in danger iv havin' thim run th' counthry like they do in--in Germany, d'ye mind."

"Niver fear," said Mr. Dooley. "There's too manny Gilligans not in th' ar-rmy f'r that."

King Edward's Coronation

"Now that th' king iv Great Britain an' Ireland, but Ireland don't know it, an' th' Dominyons beyond th' sea, f'r awhile, has been cawrnated," said Mr. Dooley, "we can raysume where we left off."

"So it has been done at last, has it?" said Mr. Hennessy.

"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "in th' prisince iv th' mos' ill.u.s.threes iv his subjects, except me frind Whitelaw Reid, he was cawrnated las' Sat.u.r.dah. 'Tis too bad it was put off. 'Twas got up, d'ye mind, f'r th' thrue an' staunch subjects on this side iv th' wather.

Th' king didn't need it. He's been king all th' time. A lot iv us knew it. All he had to do anny time was to take his caubeen fr'm th' rack, but his subjects fr'm beyond th' sea wanted to see a cawrnation, an' they cudden't convaniently have wan here where th' counthry is still run be univarsal suffering an' there are a good manny shootin' gall'ries, an' annyhow he thought he'd like to keep on good terms with th' Captains iv Industhry f'r fear they might get mad an' put his furniture out into th' channel an' use th' island f'r storin' ex-prisidints. So he got up th' cawrnation.

An' afther all, most iv thim didn't see it. They had to come home here where they were born an' lave th' land where they expict to die an' will, too, if they an' us have luck.

"But 'twas a gorgyous spicticle annyhow, Hinnissy. F'r weeks an'

weeks some iv th' finest minds in Europe has been debatin' whether th' king shud stand on th' Earl iv Whinkie or th' markess iv Ballyhoo durin' th' ceremony. It was decided that th' honor shud go to th' n.o.ble earl, but that it was th' privilege iv th' n.o.ble markess that his majesty shud put his feet on his back whin he set down. Th' king ain't supposed to do annything f'r himsilf but go up an' be cawrnated. At ivry turn they must be a jook or somebody akelly as good to pull his tie sthraight, hand him his gloves, an'

haul his coat down whin it gets up over th' collar. An' ivrybody cudden't do it, mind ye. It had to be done be th' right party, whose folks had done it f'r other kings. I've been readin' about it an' I've come to th' con-clusion, Hinnissy, that th' Scotch n.o.bility is mos'ly dayscinded fr'm tailors.

"Annyhow, these here mighty questions was all decided accoordin'

to th' rules iv th' game, whin wan day I read in th' pa-aper: 'Th'

king dines with Wall sthreet magnates. Jools missin' fr'm th'

crown.' Ye see, th' hat had not been out f'r a long time an' whin they come to get it fr'm th' box, 'twas found that manny iv th'

vallyable gems in th' band was missin'. I don't know whether 'tis thrue or not, but 'tis said that th' ancesthors iv th' prisint king, bein' hard up, was used to pick a jool out iv th' hat iv a Sat.u.r.dah night an' go down to Mose at th' corner an' get something on it. An' whin times was slack an' th' ponies backward, they cudden't get th' jools out, so they cut a piece fr'm th' window an' pasted it in. It looked f'r awhile as though th' king wud have to be cawrnated be a glazier. They cudden't find th' tickets high or low. It wudden't do to cawrnate him in a gla.s.s hat, an'

there was gr-reat thribylations, but Pierpont Morgan come along at th' right moment an' give thim a handful iv his unimportant jools an' th' hat was properly decorated. Fr'm that time on we saw that if we were to get th' worth iv our money, we'd have to do th' job oursilves, an' ivrybody turned in to help our depindant cousins.

Andhrew Carnaygie lint Wistminsther Abbey which was superbly dicorated with tapestries lint be J. Pierpont Morgan; Yerkes lint thim th' sthreets; Frohman th' theatres; th' American syndicate give thim th' use iv th' river, an' a hundherd thousand lile American hearts an' lungs lint thim a pathriotic howl that made th' king jump ivry time he heerd it.

"An' th' American d.u.c.h.esses! Were they there? Look in th' pa-apers.

I sometimes wondher whin I read th' palajeems iv our liberties whether an English n.o.bleman iver marries at home. Is it a law that prevints thim fr'm marryin' thim fresh-faced, clear-eyed daughters iv ol' Albion or is it fear? Annyhow, th' American d.u.c.h.esses is about all there is to it in London. They were at th'

cawrnation, ye bet. They were th' cawrnation. They bore th'

thrain iv th' queen. No wan can lift a thrain betther or higher thin a free-born American lady. At th' side iv her majesty walked th' beautiful d.u.c.h.ess iv Binkie-whistle, born Lucy hicks iv Dobbs Ferry. Th' d.u.c.h.ess' father an' mother come over las' week with their respictive fam'lies, an' it is undhershtud that wan iv th'

happiest ivints iv th' whole glad cawrnation season was th'

determination iv Ma Hicks to devote her alimony intire to rebuildin'

th' ancesthral mansion iv th' jook. Pa Hicks, not to be outdone, announced that he wud add th' rent derived fr'm th' ancesthral mansion iv th' d.u.c.h.ess, which is now used as a livery stable.

"An' so th' gr-reat ivint come off. I won't describe it to ye.

It's been done betther thin I cud do it be a fearless press. Ye know ye'ersilf how th' pro-cission winded its way through th'