"They'se nawthin' to say about th' Ph'lippeens," said Mr. Dooley, "excipt that th' throuble down there is all over."

"All over?"

"All over."

Bad Men From The West

"I see," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' Sinit has rayfused f'r to confirm th' nommynation iv a man f'r an office out West because he'd been in jail."

"Pro-fissyonal jealousy," said Mr. Dooley. "Ye see, th' fact iv th' matther is th' Sinit don't know what th' people iv th' Far West want an' th' prisidint does. Th' Sinit thinks th' jooty iv th' counthry to th' land iv th' tarantuly is done if they sind out a man too weak in th' lungs to stay in th' East an' wan that can multiply com-pound fractions in his head. But th' prisidint he knows that what's needed in th' Far West is active, intilligent officers that can shoot through th' pocket. Th' other day it become necess'ry to thrust on th' impeeryal terrytory iv Aryzony a competint person f'r to administher th' laws an' keep th' peace iv said community, an' th' pollyticians in Wash'nton was f'r givin'

thim somewan fr'm Connecticut or Rhode Island with a cough an' a brother in th' legislachure. But th' prisidint says no. 'No,'

he says, 'none but th' best,' he says, f'r th' domain iv th' settin'

sun, 'he says. 'I know th' counthry well,' he says, 'an' to cope with th' hardy spirits iv Aryzony 'tis issintial we shud have a man that can plug a coyote fr'm th' hip at fifty paces,' he says.

'How can you dhraw to yon hectic flush so's to make him good again'

th' full hands iv thim communities where life is wan gay an'

tireless round iv shoot,' he says. 'Ye can't expict him to riprisint th' majesty iv th' govermint iv Wash'nton an' Lincoln. He'd be bucked off befure he got his feet in th' sturrups. No, sir, th'

man iv me choice is Tarantula Jake, th' whirlwind iv Zuina Pa.s.s.

This imminint statesman has pocketed more b.a.l.l.s thin anny other disperado west iv Tucson, an' anny docymints iv state enthrusted to his hands is sure to be delivered to their object,' he says, 'or,' he says, 'th' heirs iv th' object,' he says.

"'But,' says th' Sinit, 'he lost an ear in a fight.'

"'A boyish error,' says th' prisidint. 'Th' man threw th' knife at him,' he says.

"'And he kilt a man,' says they.

"'Ye do him an injustice,' says th' prisidint. 'Kilt a man, says ye! Kilt a man! Such is fame. Why,' he says, 'he's kilt more men thin th' Sinit has repytations,' he says. 'Ye might jus' as well say me frind Sinitor Bivridge wanst made a speech, or that Shakespere wrote a play, or that it's a fine tooth I have. If all th' people Jake has kilt was alive to-day, we'd be pa.s.sin' congisted disthrict ligislachion f'r Aryzony. Kilt a man is it? I give ye me wurrud that ye can hardly find wan home in Aryzony, fr'm th' proudest doby story-an'-a-half palace iv th' rich to th' lowly doby wan-story hut iv th' poor, that this flagrant pathrite hasn't deprived iv at laste wan ornymint. Didn't I tell ye he is a killer? I didn't mane a man that on'y wanst in a while takes a life. He's a rale killer. He's no retailer. He's th' Armour iv that particular line iv slaughter. Ye don't suppose that I'd propose f'r to enthrust him with a lofty constichoochinal mission if he on'y kilt wan man. Me notions iv th' jooties iv public office is far higher thin that, I thank hivin. Besides in th' case ye speak iv 'twas justifiable homicide. He had ast th' man to dhrink with him. No, sir, I have examined his record carefully an' I find him fully equipped f'r anny emergency. He niver misses. He's th' man f'r th' place, th' quick dhrawin', readily pa.s.sionate, hammerless gun firin' Terror iv th' Great Desert.'

"But th' Sinit didn't approve iv him. Th' sinitor fr'm Matsachoosetts, where human life is held so cheap that no wan thinks iv takin' it, pro-tested again' him, an' 'twas fin'lly discovered that early in his career he'd been caught runnin' off a bunch iv cows an'

pushed into jail, an' that was too much f'r th' hon'rable body, hardly wan member iv which has iver been caught. So they give Jake th' go-by.

"But it'll come out all right in th' end. Th' prisidint knows what th' West wants an' he 'll get it f'r thim. Th' West is no effete community, where th' folks likes a quiet book-keepin' life, an early supper, a game iv cards, lock th' windy, wind th' clock an' so to bed. That may do f'r th' East. But in th' West, we demand Sthrenuse Life an' Sudden Death. We're people out here on th' des'late plains where th' sun sets pink acrost th' gray desert an' th' scorpion clings to th' toe. We don't want pianny tuners or plasther saints to govern us. We want men who go to bed with their spurs on, an' can break a gun without spikin' their thumbs.

We'll have thim too. Undher precedin' administhrations, th' job wint to th' la-ads with no more qualifications thin is needed to run a dairy lunch. Some iv th' bes' places in th' West is held be th' poorest shots, while men capable iv th' mos' sthrikin' gun plays is left to devote their talents to private functions. An'

they call that th' merit system! I expict th' time is near at hand whin justice will be done thim worthy citizens. At prisint whin a man is needed f'r a govermint office, he is called on to set down with a sheet of pa-aper an' a pot iv ink an' say how manny times eight-an'-a-half will go into a line dhrawn fr'm th' base iv th' hypothenoose, an' if he makes th' answer bright an' readable, they give him a place administherin' th' affairs iv a proud people that cudden't tell a hypothenoose fr'm a sea-lion. But whin things gets goin' right undher this administhration, th' civil sarvice commission consistin' iv th' Hon. Bill Cody, th' Hon. Texas Jack, an' th' Hon. Bat Masterson will put th' boys through an examination that'll bring out all there is in thim. I'm preparin' a pa-aper f'r an examination iv candydates f'r sup'rintindint iv th'

Smithsonyan Inst.i.toot:

"1. Describe a round-up.

"2. Name five iv th' best brands (a) cattle (b) whiskey, ye have used.

"3. Afther makin' a cinch, is it proper f'r to always kick th'

critter in th' stomach or on'y whin ye feel like it?

"4. Undher what circ.u.mstances shud a Mexican not be shot, and if so, why?

"5. How long shud a tinderfoot dance befure he is ent.i.tled to live?

"6. Name eighty reasons f'r dhrawin' a gun.

"7. State ye'er opinyion iv sheep men.

"8. Write a brief account iv th' life an' death iv Billy th' Kid.

"Iv coorse, Hinnissy, this is on'y a part iv th' exercise. They'll be practical tests as well. Th' iligible list'll be taken out into th' yard an' required to shoot at movin' an' stationary targets, at pedesthreens an' hors.e.m.e.n, fr'm th' pocket, fr'm th'

hip, over th' shouldher, fr'm a window with a sawed-off shot gun, an' so on. They'll be required to bust a buckin' bronc, cut out a steer fr'm th' herd without stampedin' th' rest, la.s.soo movin'

objects an' give other exhibitions iv science. An' th' la-ad that wins out'll have to defind his job again' all comers f'r a month.

"I want to see this day. We're a nation iv hayroes, an' none but hayroes shud enjye th' spoil. Thin we'll read that th' Hon. Mike McCorker has been appinted Amba.s.sadure to England: 'Mike is wan iv th' mos' detarmined statesmen between Rapid City an' Rawlins.

His early life was spint in seclusion, owin' to a little diff'rence about a horse, but he had no sooner appeared in public life thin he made his mark on th' marshal iv Red Gulch. He applied himsilf to his chosen career with such perseverance an' so thrue an aim that within two years he had risen to th' head iv his pro-fission, a position that he has since held without interruption excipt durin' th' peryod whin th' Hon. Grindle H. Gash sh.e.l.led him f'r three days with a howitzer. His remarkable night attack on that gallant but sleepy statesman will not soon be f'rgotten. A great ovation will be given Bill whin he pulls his freight f'r th' coort iv Saint James. Some iv th' boys is loadin' up f'r it already, an' near all th' Chinese has moved into th' hills. Amba.s.sadure Gash was a Rough Rider durin' th' late Cubian War.

"'Th' appintment iv Judge Rufus Flush to be Chief Justice iv th'

United States Supreeme Coort is hailed with delight be all citizens iv New Mexico. Judge Flush is th' recognized authority on gun shot wounds an' lynch law in th' Southwest, besides bein' in private life a pretty handy man with knife or gun himsilf. He was wan iv th' first men up San Joon Hill on th' mim'rable day.

"'Th' sicrety iv state was visited yisterdah be throop B iv th'

Rough Riders, includin' th' sicrety iv th' threesury, th' postmasther gin'ral, nine disthrick judges, forty postmasthers, an' wan hundherd an' eight collictors iv intarnal rivinoo. Th' conversation was informal, but it is undhershtud that th' advisability iv an excursion to Boston to shoot up th' anti-impeeryalist saloons was discussed.

Th' prisidint dhropped in durin' th' conference an' greeted all prisint be their first name, which is Bill. There was some good-natured chaff as to which iv th' gintlemen was first at th'

top iv San Joon Hill befure th' meetin' broke up. Th' postmasther gin'ral is sufferin' fr'm a slight knife wound.'"

"Ar-re all th' people West iv th' park shootin' men?" asked Mr.

Hennessy timidly.

"I think so," said Mr. Dooley, "but a man that's been out there tells me not. He says annywan but an Englishman cud go fr'm wan end iv th' West to th' other without carryin' a gun, an' that people that kill each other are not considhered rayspictable in Tucson anny more thin they wud be in Eysther Bay, but that they are mostly dhrunk men an' th' like iv that. Th' towns, he says, is run be fellows that sell ribbons, milk, yeast, spool thread an'

pills an' pull teeth an' argye little foolish law suits, just as th' towns down here are run, an' th' bad men are more afraid iv thim thin they are iv each other. He says there are things doin'

out West that niver get into th' dime novels, an' that whin people lose their lives they do it more often in a saw mill or a smelter thin in a dance hail. He says so but I don't believe him."

"I suppose," said Mr. Hennessy, "a man iv me peaceable disposition wud niver get a job."

"Make a repytation," said Mr. Dooley. "Buy a gun."

European Intervention

"Th' question befure th' house is," said Mr. Dooley, "which wan iv th' Euro-peen powers done mos' f'r us in th' Spanish war."

"I thought they were all again' us," said Mr. Hennessy.

"So did I," said Mr. Dooley, "but I done thim an injustice. I was crool to thim crowned heads. If it hadn't been f'r some wan power, an' I can't make out which it was, th' Cubians to-day wud be opprissed be th' Casteel instead iv th' Beet Sugar Thrust an' th'

Filipinos'd be shot be Mausers instead iv Krag-Jorgensens. Some wan power sthretched out its hand an' said, 'No. No,' it said, 'thus far but no farther. We will not permit this misguided but warrum-hearted little people to be crushed be th' ruffyan power iv Spain,' it said. 'Niver,' it said, 'shall histhry record that th' United States iv America, nestlin' there in its cosy raypublic fr'm th' Atlantic to th'Pa.s.syfic, was desthroyed an' th' hurtage iv liberty that they robbed fr'm us wasted because we did not give thim support,' it says. An' so whin th' future looked darkest, whin we didn't know whether th' war wud last eight or be prolonged f'r tin weary, thragic minyits, whin it seemed as though th' Spanish fleet wud not sink unless shot at, some kindly power was silently comfortin' us an' sayin' to itsilf: 'I do so hope they'll win, if they can.' But I don't know which wan it was.

"At first I thought it was England. Whiniver ye hear iv anny counthry helpin' us, ye think it is England. That's because England has helped us so much in th' past. Says Lord Cranburne in reply to a question in th' House iv Commons: 'I am reluctantly foorced be mesilf to blushin'ly admit that but f'r us, people on their way to China to-day wud be gettin' up an' lookin' over th' side iv th' ship an' sayin', "This is where America used to be." Whin war was first discussed, mesilf an' th' rest iv th' fam'ly met an'

decided that unless prompt action was took, our cousins an'

invistmints acrost th' sea wud be damaged beyond repair, so we cabled our amba.s.sadure to go at wanst to th' White House an' inform th' prisidint that we wud regard th' war as a crool blot on civilization an' an offinse to th' intillygince iv mankind. I am glad to say our inthervintion was iffycacious. War was immeedjately declared. I will not tell ye how high our hearts beat as we r-read th' news fr'm day to day. Ye know. I will on'y say that we insthructed our amba.s.sadure to do ivrything in his power to help our kinsmen an' he faithfully ixicuted his ordhers. He practically lived at th' White House durin' th' thryin' peeryod, an' his advice to th' prisidint such as: "If ye go on with this binnyficint war th' United Powers will knock ye'er head off," or "I think I can secure fav'rable terms fr'm th' Powers if ye will abdicate in favor iv a riprisintative iv th' house iv Bourbon an'

cede New England to Spain," done more thin annything else to put heart into th' American foorces. I will add that durin' this time we was approached be an amba.s.sadure iv wan iv th' powers who ast us to inthervene. I will not say which power it was, excipt that it was Austhrya-Hungary an' I'm previnted be th' obligations iv me office fr'm mintionin' what powers was behind th' move beyond hintin' that they was as follows: Germany, France, Rooshya, It'ly, China, Turkey, Monaco, San Marino, Boolgahrya, Montinaygro, Booloochistan an' Pershya. Pah's reply to th' amba.s.sadure was: "I will do all I can" as he kicked him down stairs. It ill becomes me to say what else we done f'r that home iv freedom--an' hiven knows I wisht it'd stay there an' not be wandherin' over th' face iv th' wurruld--but I'm not proud iv me looks an' I will remark that Tiddy Rosenfelt was capably directed be th' iditors iv England, thim hearts iv oak, that th' American navy was advised be our mos'