Shit. That That, I think to myself, that that is life. is life.

My Nero rat-run shrinks every evening. The inferno gets hotter. Sachiko says nothing about Ai. Wednesday night is the busiest so far. One o'clock, two o'clock spin around. Emotions are so tiring. I guess this is why I avoid them. The moment anything becomes good, it is doomed. Doi sucks ice cubes, scratches inside his nostril with his finger and shuffles his playing cards. 'Take a card,' he says, 'any card.' I shake my head I am not in the mood. 'Go on! This is ancient Sumerian enchantment with third-millennial twists, man. Take a card.' Doi thrusts the fanned cards at me and looks away. So I take a card. 'Memorize it, but don't say what it is.' Nine of diamonds. 'Okay? Replace and shuffle! Anyway, anyhow, anywhere, bury the mortal remains of your card...' I do so no way could Doi have seen. Tomomi drapes herself in the hatch. 'Miyake! Three Fat Mermaids, extra seaweed and squid. Doi nose-picking doesn't suit a hippie of your years.' Doi scratches outside his nose: 'Muzzle the grizzly, man... ain't you had an intra-nasal zit before?' Tomomi stares at him. 'I have an intra-nasal zit right now. Its name is Doi. That delivery to the spine doctor's wing-ding is due seven days ago if they phone to complain I'm shoving the headset inside your ear and you can deal with their negative energy. Man.' Doi does a whoah! gesture. 'Lady, I am mid-trick here.' Tomomi whistles inwards. 'Do you want want me to tell Mr Nero about the aromatic substances in your scooter hotbox?' Doi returns his cards to their box and whispers to me as he leaves: 'Fear not, man, this trick is to be continued...' The minutes jog up the down escalator. Onizuka takes a break after a long-distance delivery. He broods in the cage, ripping a grapefruit to bits. I box up the Chicken Tikka and mini-salad for his next delivery. To hurry the night along I practice clock-management: before checking the time I kid myself it is twenty minutes earlier than the time I truly believe it is, so I can pleasantly surprise myself. But tonight, even my doctored guesses are way too optimistic. Doi reappears in the cage, listening to a song on the radio in ecstasy 'Riders in the Storm, man...' He could be a songbird fancier in a deep wood. 'Me on my pizza scooter.' He drinks butter-vomit Tibetan tea from a flask and practises making cards appear from his ears. He has forgotten about the unfinished trick, and I don't remind him. 'The human condition is a card game, man. Our hand is dealt in the womb. During infancy we lay a few cards down, pick up a few more. Puberty, man more cards jobs, flings, busts, marriage... cards come, cards go. Some days, you got a strong hand. Other days, your winning streaks end in bad gongs. You bet, call, bluff.' Sachiko enters the cage for her break. 'And how do you win this game?' Doi peacock-tails the cards and fans himself. 'When you win, the rules change, and you find you lost.' Sachiko rests her feet on a box of Nero ketchup sachets. 'Doi's metaphors always make my head spin more than the abstract idea they're supposed to simplify.' Tomomi feeds through an order for a Satanica, crisp crust, treble capers. I lay out the base and imagine Ai, asleep, dreaming of Paris. Suga is dreaming of America. Cat is dreaming of cats. Pizzas come, pizzas leave. The wodge of completed orders climbs up the spike. Another hot dawn glows in the real world outside. I peel cucumbers until eight o'clock brings the new chef, a slap on the back and a nine-decibel 'Miyake Go Home!' Going back to Kita Senju on the Chiyoda line, I plug myself into my Discman. No music. Weird I changed the batteries yesterday evening. I press 'Eject' there is no CD inside, only a playing card. Nine of diamonds. me to tell Mr Nero about the aromatic substances in your scooter hotbox?' Doi returns his cards to their box and whispers to me as he leaves: 'Fear not, man, this trick is to be continued...' The minutes jog up the down escalator. Onizuka takes a break after a long-distance delivery. He broods in the cage, ripping a grapefruit to bits. I box up the Chicken Tikka and mini-salad for his next delivery. To hurry the night along I practice clock-management: before checking the time I kid myself it is twenty minutes earlier than the time I truly believe it is, so I can pleasantly surprise myself. But tonight, even my doctored guesses are way too optimistic. Doi reappears in the cage, listening to a song on the radio in ecstasy 'Riders in the Storm, man...' He could be a songbird fancier in a deep wood. 'Me on my pizza scooter.' He drinks butter-vomit Tibetan tea from a flask and practises making cards appear from his ears. He has forgotten about the unfinished trick, and I don't remind him. 'The human condition is a card game, man. Our hand is dealt in the womb. During infancy we lay a few cards down, pick up a few more. Puberty, man more cards jobs, flings, busts, marriage... cards come, cards go. Some days, you got a strong hand. Other days, your winning streaks end in bad gongs. You bet, call, bluff.' Sachiko enters the cage for her break. 'And how do you win this game?' Doi peacock-tails the cards and fans himself. 'When you win, the rules change, and you find you lost.' Sachiko rests her feet on a box of Nero ketchup sachets. 'Doi's metaphors always make my head spin more than the abstract idea they're supposed to simplify.' Tomomi feeds through an order for a Satanica, crisp crust, treble capers. I lay out the base and imagine Ai, asleep, dreaming of Paris. Suga is dreaming of America. Cat is dreaming of cats. Pizzas come, pizzas leave. The wodge of completed orders climbs up the spike. Another hot dawn glows in the real world outside. I peel cucumbers until eight o'clock brings the new chef, a slap on the back and a nine-decibel 'Miyake Go Home!' Going back to Kita Senju on the Chiyoda line, I plug myself into my Discman. No music. Weird I changed the batteries yesterday evening. I press 'Eject' there is no CD inside, only a playing card. Nine of diamonds.

A message is waiting on my capsule answerphone. It is not from Ai. 'Uh... well, hello, Eiji. This is your father.' Laughter. I freeze the first time I feel cold since March. 'Hey, I said it. This is your father, Eiji.' A deep breath. He is smoking. 'Not so difficult. Well. What a mess. Where do I start?' A 'phew' noise. 'First believe me I did not not know you had come to Tokyo to search for me. That sadist Akiko Kato dealt with my wife, not me. I was in Canada for conferences and business since August I only got back to town last week.' Deep sigh. 'I always hoped this day would come, Eiji, but I never dared make the first move. I never thought I had the right. If that makes sense. Second about my wife. This is so embarrassing, Eiji can I call you Eiji? Anything else seems wrong. My wife never breathed a word about the letter she wrote to warn you away, nor about meeting you last week... I only found out when my daughter let it slip out an hour ago.' Ruffle-shuffle. 'Well, I went ballistic and I only just calmed down enough to call you. How petty. How suspicious. What right did she have to keep you away from me? And on the heels of the death of my father, too... I shudder to think what kind of family you must think we are. There again, you might be right. My wife and I our marriage, it is not exactly... Never mind.' Pause. 'Third. What is third? I'm losing track. This is the past. The future, Eiji. I want very badly to meet you, in case you were wondering. Right now, if possible. Today. We have so much to say, where do I start? Where do I stop?' Bemused laugh. 'Come to my clinic today I'm a cosmetic surgeon, incidentally, if your mother never told you. We won't be disturbed by my wife or any hostile parties or we could go to a restaurant if you haven't eaten by the time you get this... Look, I cleared my afternoon surgery. Can you make one o'clock? This is my surgery number.' I scribble it down. 'Get to Edogawabashi metro station, call, and Ms Sarashina my assistant, completely trustworthy will come and meet you. Only a minute away. So. Until one o'clock this afternoon...' An amazed sort of coo noise. 'I've been praying this day would come for years, and years, and years... Every time I went to the shrine, I asked... I can hardly-' He laughs. 'Enough of this, Eiji! One o'clock! Edogawabashi metro station!' know you had come to Tokyo to search for me. That sadist Akiko Kato dealt with my wife, not me. I was in Canada for conferences and business since August I only got back to town last week.' Deep sigh. 'I always hoped this day would come, Eiji, but I never dared make the first move. I never thought I had the right. If that makes sense. Second about my wife. This is so embarrassing, Eiji can I call you Eiji? Anything else seems wrong. My wife never breathed a word about the letter she wrote to warn you away, nor about meeting you last week... I only found out when my daughter let it slip out an hour ago.' Ruffle-shuffle. 'Well, I went ballistic and I only just calmed down enough to call you. How petty. How suspicious. What right did she have to keep you away from me? And on the heels of the death of my father, too... I shudder to think what kind of family you must think we are. There again, you might be right. My wife and I our marriage, it is not exactly... Never mind.' Pause. 'Third. What is third? I'm losing track. This is the past. The future, Eiji. I want very badly to meet you, in case you were wondering. Right now, if possible. Today. We have so much to say, where do I start? Where do I stop?' Bemused laugh. 'Come to my clinic today I'm a cosmetic surgeon, incidentally, if your mother never told you. We won't be disturbed by my wife or any hostile parties or we could go to a restaurant if you haven't eaten by the time you get this... Look, I cleared my afternoon surgery. Can you make one o'clock? This is my surgery number.' I scribble it down. 'Get to Edogawabashi metro station, call, and Ms Sarashina my assistant, completely trustworthy will come and meet you. Only a minute away. So. Until one o'clock this afternoon...' An amazed sort of coo noise. 'I've been praying this day would come for years, and years, and years... Every time I went to the shrine, I asked... I can hardly-' He laughs. 'Enough of this, Eiji! One o'clock! Edogawabashi metro station!'

Life is sweet, rich and fair.

I forget Ai Imajo, I forget Kozue Yamaya, I lie back, and I replay the message over until I have every word, every mannerism, by heart. I get out the picture of my father and animate his face so he speaks the words. An educated, warm, dry voice that inspires respect. Not so nasal as mine. I want to tell Buntaro and Machiko no, I want to wait. Later today, I will walk calmly into Shooting Star with a mysterious gentleman behind me and let drop a 'By the way, Buntaro, may I introduce you to my father?' Cat watches me warily from the closet 'Today is the day, Cat!' I iron my good shirt, shower, and then try to doze for an hour. No hope. I listen to John Lennon's Live in New York City Live in New York City, and it is lucky I set my alarm clock, because the next thing I know it is eleven-thirty and the clock is ringinginginginging inside my ears. I dress, fuss Cat, and put out her dinner six hours early in case I have to go straight to work after my father. Luckily Buntaro is on the phone to the distributor so he cannot pry under my halo of joy.

Edogawabashi station. I scan the midday crowds so intently that I miss her. 'Excuse me? I'm guessing you're Eiji Miyake, from your baseball cap.' I nod at the smartly dressed women, not exactly young, not exactly old. She smiles with blackcurrant lips. 'I'm Mari Sarashina, your father's assistant we spoke on the phone just now. What a thrill it is to have you visit.'

I bow. 'Thank you for coming out to meet me, Ms Sarashina.'

'No trouble at all. The clinic is a stroll away Well, this is a very special day for your father. Cancelling an afternoon of appointments-' she shakes her head. 'Unprecedented in six years! I thought to myself, "Is the emperor visiting?" Then he said his son was visiting! his words, not mine and I thought, Aha! All is explained! He meant to fetch you from Edogawabashi himself, you know, but lost his nerve at the last minute between you and me, he's afraid of emotional displays, et cetera. Enough gossip. Follow me.' Ms Sarashina walks and talks unswervingly. A cat-sized dog crosses our path. Oncoming pedestrians and cyclists make way for her. She navigates side streets of labelless boutiques and art galleries. 'Your father's clinic is a state-of-the-art establishment in the beautician sphere. We have a loyal word-of-mouth cliente'le, so we avoid ostentatious advertising, unlike the downmarket clip-and-tuck shops.' A mouse-sized cat crosses our path. 'Here we are see, you could pass by none the wiser.' A tall, anonymous building, sandwiched by flashier neighbours. The ground floor is a jewellery business, viewing by appointment. Set down a short corridor is a steel door. Mari Sarashina points to a brass plaque. 'This is us Juno Juno. Zeus turned her into a swan.' Her fingers dance over a security keypad. 'Or was it a bull?' A video camera watches us. 'Rather draconian security, I know, but our client list includes television stars, et cetera. You would not believe' Mari Sarashina glares at heaven 'what the grubbier paparazzi will do for a quick peek. Your father reviewed security after a reporter, disguised as a health ministry inspector, tried to bluff his way into our client files. Jackals, those people. Leeches. He had fake ID, name-card, the works. Ms Kato, your father's lawyer, bled them dry in court, naturally although I gather she's not exactly flavour of the month, vis-a-vis yourself.' An elevator arrives. Mari Sarashina presses '9'. 'A room with a view.' She smiles reassuringly. 'Apprehensive?'

I nod, hollow with nervous excitement. 'A little.'

She brushes fluff off her cuff. 'Quite natural.' She stage-whispers. 'Your father is three times jumpier. But relax.' The doors open on to a gleaming white reception area decked with lilies. Perfumed antiseptic. Pin-striped sofas, slab-of-glass tables, a tapestry of swans on a lost river. The walls curve into the ceiling whorled and delicate, bones inside an ear. Celtic harp music accompanies the aircon hush. Ms Sarashina jabs the intercom on her desk 'Dr Tsukiyama? Congratulations, it's a boy!' She shows me her perfect teeth. 'Shall I send him in?' I hear his voice crackle. Mari Sarashina laughs. 'Fine, Doctor. Coming up.' She sits down in front of her computer and gestures towards the steel door. 'Go on, Eiji. Your father is waiting.' I move, but real time is on 'Pause'. 'Thanks,' I tell her. She makes a 'don't mention it' face. One door away now go! I turn the handle the room beyond is airtight. The steel door opens with a kissing sound.

My arms are swung behind my back, my body is rammed against the wall, my feet are kicked away, and the cold floor slams into my ribs. One set of hands frisk me while another set holds my arms way past the angle they were designed to bend the pain is record-breaking. Yakuza again. If I did have a concealed knife I would stick it into myself for being so stupid. Again. I consider volunteering to give up the Kozue Yamaya disk until a foot in the small of my back knocks the thought from my head. I am flipped over, and hauled to my feet. At first, I think I am standing on the set of a medical drama. A trolley of surgical equipment, a drugs cabinet, an operating table. The edges are shadowy, with ten or eleven men whose faces I cannot make out. I smell sausages. A man is filming me with a handycam, and on a large overhead screen I see myself. Two men with the bodies of Olympic shotputters are holding an arm each. The handycam zooms in, and captures my face from various angles. 'Light!' comes an old man's voice, and whiteness fills my eyeballs. I am dragged forward a few paces, and sat down. When I can see again I find myself at a card table. Here is Mama-san and three men. Near enough to touch is a smoked glass screen taking up most of the wall. An intercom clicks on, and the voice of god fills the room. 'This lamentable specimen is him?'

Mama-san looks at the smoked glass. 'This is him.'

'I had no idea,' says God, 'Morino had fallen on such hard times.'

Now I really know I am in trouble. 'The man on the telephone?' I ask her.

'An actor. To save us the trouble of sending someone to get you.'

I try to rub life back into my arms, and glance at the three man also sat at the card table. From their postures and faces, I can tell that they are also here against their will. A sweat-shiny fat-as-a-donut asthmatic, a man who keeps twitching as if his face is under attack, and an older guy who was once handsome but who has had scars gouged upwards from the corner of his mouth which fix his face in a mockery of a smile. Mr Donut, Twitcher and Smiley all fix their eyes on the table.

'We are gathered here today,' says God, 'for you to pay your debts to me.'

I cannot address a disembodied voice so I address Mama-san. 'What debts?'

God replies first. 'Major damage to Pluto Pachinko. Compensation for loss of trading time on the opening day. Two cadillacs. Lost insurance premiums, cleaning bills and general indemnities. Fifty-four million yen.'

'But Morino caused that damage.'

'And you,' says Mama-san, 'are the last living disciple of his faction.'

I want to be sick. 'You know I was no disciple.'

God rattles his speakers. 'We have your contract! Signed in your mixed blood! What more binding an ink is there?'

I look at the smoked glass. 'How about her?' I point at Mamasan. 'She was Morino's accountant.'

Mama-san is nearly smiling. 'Child, I was a spy. Now shut up and listen or one of these bad, evil men will take a scalpel and slice your tongue in two.'

I shut up and listen.

'Mr Tsuru has selected you, his most hopeless debtors, to play a card game. A simple card game, with three winners and one loser. The winners will leave this chamber free men, owing not a penny. The loser will donate organs to needy patients. A lung,' she stares at me, 'a retina, and a kidney.'

Everyone in the room behaves as if this is quite normal.

'I am supposed to say,' I have to start again because no voice came out the first time, 'I am supposed to say "Sure, fine, let's gamble with my body parts"?'

'You are free to decline.'

'But?'

'But you will then be declared the loser.'

'Decline, kid,' jeers Twitcher, opposite me. 'Stick to your principles.'

I smell mustard and ketchup. I have no logic to combat any of this. 'A game?'

Mama-san produces a pack of cards. 'You shall cut to decide shuffling order. Aces high, highest shuffles first, the other players follow clockwise from the starter. Then we begin the game proper. In the same order, you shall turn over the top card until the queen of spades appears.'

'Whoever she chooses,' says God, 'loses.'

I feel how I felt back in the bowling alley.

'Is that voice him?' I ask Mama-san. My vocal chords are dry as sand. 'Is that Mr Tsuru?'

Twitcher claps sarcastically.

So, Tsuru is God. God is Tsuru. I try to buy time. 'Even you,' I say to Mama-san, 'must think this is insane.'

Mama-san's mouth becomes a tight slit. 'I take my orders from the company president. You take yours from me. Cut.'

My hand feels as heavy as a brick. The jack of spades.

Mr Donut draws the ten of diamonds.

Twitcher cuts the two of clubs.

Smiley turns over the nine of spades.

'The boy is the first to shuffle,' says Tsuru from behind his smoked glass.

The players look at me.

I clumsily flicker-shuffle the pack. Up on the screen, hands many times the size of my own do the same. Nine times, for luck.

Mr Donut wipes his hands on his shirt. The cards fly from hand to hand in gymnastic formation.

Twitcher makes a magical gesture with three fingers and cuts once.

Smiley shuffles in precise, circular motions.

Mama-san slides the pack to the centre of the table. It sits there innocently. I look at it as I would a bomb, which is exactly what it is. I wait for an explosion, an earthquake, a gunshot, an 'It's the cops!'

I hear sausages spitting on a grill.

The slow breathing of men.

'Take the top card now,' prompts Tsuru's voice gently, 'or a guard will remove your eyelids, and you will never be able to close your eyes again, not even to blink.'

I turn over the nine of diamonds.

Mr Donut's breathing grates as his asthma worsens. He cuts the ace of clubs.

Twitcher intones Namu amida butsu Namu amida butsu three times he had a Buddhist education before his hand darts out and snatches the ace of spades. 'Thank you,' he says. three times he had a Buddhist education before his hand darts out and snatches the ace of spades. 'Thank you,' he says.

Smiley is the coolest of us all. He calmly turns over the seven of spades.

My turn again. I feel as if Miyake is operating Miyake by remote-control. I look at myself on the screen. Myself stares back, I never knew I looked like that. My hand extends- A narrow door in the smoked glass swings open and a waggy labrador skitters out, chomping on a sausage and slipping on the polished marble. 'Bring her back!' cries Tsuru, his real voice emerging from the entrance, only half picked up by the microphone and speakers. 'She mustn't run on a full stomach! Her digestion is delicate!' Two of the guards eventually shepherd the dog back to its master.

'We,' murmurs Smiley, 'are just TV dinner for the mad old fuck.'

All eyes in the room on me again.

Something alien is under my tongue.

I turn over the six of hearts.

I lick my forearm, taste salt, and see a tiny black insect.

Mr Donut's arm leaves a sweat patch on the felt. The three of diamonds.

Twitcher prays to Buddha and flips over the joker. 'Thank you.'

Smiley sighs and turns over the five of clubs.

Twelve cards gone out of fifty-two, fifty-four including two jokers.

I look at the backing of the top card for a clue, and two trapezoid eyes stare straight back at me. I know those eyes.

What is life like without half your organs?

No, Tsuru would never let the loser walk away to tell the tale, with a torso of scars and holes to prove it. The silence of the lucky winners can be relied upon, but the loser would end up the same way as Kozue Yamaya's son.

How did I get here?

I look at the screen Miyake. He has no answers either.

Mama-san opens her mouth to threaten me- I turn over the card, and the black queen looks into my eyes.

The room slants from side to side.

'Fuck,' says Twitcher, 'I thought the kid found the bitch, not her sister.'

'So,' says Smiley, 'does the kid.'

What are they talking about? Smiley nods at my death notice on the table. 'Look closer.'

It is the queen of clubs, not spades. Clubs.

Mr Donut says, 'I need my inhaler'. Mama-san nods, and he fishes it out of his jacket pocket. He holds his head back, breathes in a blast, holds it, and breathes out. Then he turns over the queen of spades.

Nobody says anything.

The screen Mr Donut is sweating worse than a man dying of plague.

Me, I am trembling and wracked with relief and guilt and pity.

Mama-san clears her throat. 'Your queen has appeared, Mr Tsuru.'

The speakers stay silent.

'Mr Tsuru?' Mama-san frowns at the smoked glass. 'Your queen has spoken.'

No response.

Mama-san leans over and knocks on the glass. 'Mr Tsuru?'

A guard wrinkles his nose. 'What's he cooking now?'

Another guard frowns. 'Well it aint sausages...'

The guard nearest the door in the glass pushes it open and peers in. 'Mr Tsuru?' He breathes sharply, as if blocking a karate kick with his stomach. 'Mr Tsuru!' He stays where he is, and turns around to face us, blankly.

'Well?' demands Mama-san.

His jaw moves but nothing comes out.

'What?'

He swallows. 'Mr Tsuru has grilled his face to the hotplate.'

A riot of improvised theatre breaks out. All I can do is close my eyes.

'Mr Tsuru Mr Tsuru Mr Tsuru! Can you hear me?'