"I'm about to leave, actually." And now the memory of the kiss he stole before handing me the microphone hit home. I blushed.

Shawn wasn't text-book handsome. He was too short for my taste. I liked men tall, what can I say? Still, there was a fire burning inside him, a crazy intensity that, I guessed, some people called "star-power." I could definitely see him gracing the cover of Rolling Stone one day.

He came and sat down on the edge of the table I'd just cleaned, his legs balancing under him. The sparks that lit his eyes made him look like a naughty kid.

"You blew my mind last night, Cassie."

Which part of "last night" was the guy referring to? My performance? Or my tight jeans? I wasn't one of those girls men could sweet-talk into bed. I'd have crossed my arms over my chest to let the guy know I wasn't falling for it. But I had the disinfectant spray in one hand and kitchen towel in the other. Still, Shawn got the vibe.

"I was talking about your singing." He had lifted his hands with his palms up facing me. "Sam had to beg me to let you do our warm-up act. But I've always trusted the dude, and he was damned right."

"Thanks. I really appreciate you giving me the chance."

"Have you been writing your own songs for a long time?"

I shrugged. "I started when I was about fourteen. A way of dealing with my raging hormones."

Shawn chuckled then leaned forward, his forearms resting on his thighs. He stared at me and I wriggled under his gaze. "So what are you going to do about it?"

His question threw me back. But my answer threw him back. "Nothing."

"You're shitting me." His eyes widened. His mouth gaped.

I shrugged again. There had been a day when I'd have given my soul to climb on stage and perform, to burn my darkest secrets through songs. I still had the same urge inside me, but today I wouldn't give my soul for it and certainly wouldn't give up Lucas.

"I have a son back in the U.S." I didn't care if I broke my newly acquired rock-chick persona.

"So what?" So what? My answer was pretty self-explanatory. "You can sing and have a kid. The two aren't mutually exclusive."

"At this point in my life, they are. My son's just been through a tough time and he needs me to be there for him. I can't do that if I'm on the road all the time, living in a tour bus, going from one gig to the next, auditioning... and all those things you're supposed to do when you start up."

Shawn kept staring at me as if I hadn't spoken at all. His mouth twitched. Then, suddenly, he jumped off the table.

"We're flying back home over the weekend to start a cross-States gig. I came here as a favor to Sam 'cause we know each other from New Orleans." He reached out a finger and played with one of the wisps of my hair, then he let it down and stepped away from me. "Ask him for my cell, just in case you change your mind."

"Thanks. I appreciate it." But the timing wasn't right. It probably never would be. And as much as I wanted to make it right for Lucas, the loss of my dreams made my heart heavier in my chest.

Shawn gave me a salute with the tips of his fingers. "I hope it works out for you and your kid."

He walked back to the bar and Sam.

My hand rested on my tangled-up tummy. I really hoped it would work out too.

I really had to get to Josh ASAP.

twenty-one.

I hadn't been back to Josh's place since the party on the day of my arrival. Looking back, I hadn't been nervous that night, more like on an adrenaline rush. I hadn't known Josh anymore and, for sure, I hadn't known he was engaged.

Otherwise I might have felt the way I did right now. Clammy hands. Shaking knees. Rushing heart.

The door opened wide. He stood there, and again I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach that he had mutated. Same hair and eye color, same height, but his core wasn't the same. More icepick-chiseled these days.

I shivered.

He stood aside to let me in and I brushed past him. The house was nice inside. Not big, rather deep and narrow like all the English houses I'd seen so far, but the finish beat hands-down the house where I squatted. Fresh paint, dark wooden floor, neutral-colored furniture, and in the back I could see a fully-fitted kitchen. Eleanor's touch was everywhere.

"Cool place," I admitted while turning back to face Josh.

He pressed his lips together and shoved his hands in his pockets, then said, "We were lucky to find it."

Josh gestured toward a couch covered with plump cushions. "Do you want to drink anything?"

I shook my head. I sat my butt down on the couch, my hands clasped to my thighs, my knees stuck together, my back stiff and straight. Josh's feet kept shuffling, his hands back in his jeans, his head down. Tension ping-ponged between us. Last night's smooch wasn't going to happen again anytime soon.

"I need to start with an apology." Josh's words should have been mine. I guessed my eyes looked like flying saucers, because he rushed into his next sentence. "I've spent the last week accusing you of all the sins of the earth... and I'm still angry." He buried his hands even deeper in his pockets and the muscles on his forearms tensed. "But I'm in no position to judge you. I proposed to a girl while I was still married to another and didn't have the decency to ask for a divorce myself. I sent a lawyer instead." He muffled a groan. "In anyone's book, that's topping the jerk charts."

I chose the mute option because, well, I kind of agreed.

But Josh was in a much more talkative mood. "The truth is that I've been a coward. I wanted to prove to myself, my family, the whole world how strong I was. That what you did hadn't entirely destroyed me. I never took the time to lick my wounds." The hurt in his face right then strangled my throat. "I pretended you never existed, as my best friend, my first love, my wife. I cut off Steep Hill, Woodie, my parents. Then I met Eleanor."

A soft smile spread over his face and his gaze swept away from me. He loved the girl.

And, damn her, she was lovable.

"What I've done to Eleanor isn't better than what you did to me. The difference is that my reasons were one-hundred-percent selfish. Yours weren't."

I felt like I was finally getting out of rehab. Or maybe Josh had joined me there. Or maybe we were both roasting in hell on the devil's own skewers.

Whatever the answer, this was a step forward. Wasn't it?

Josh's eyes were glued to me, his forehead creased. "You don't usually stay silent for so long."

True. I was more like the talk-first-think-second kind of girl. But, right then, my tongue weighed a ton. It remained that way until Josh came and sat on the edge of the coffee table next to me.

I forced myself to speak, praying it wouldn't sound like a croak. "What are you going to do about Lucas?"

Josh leaned forward and I mirrored his move. His knees encased mine. I waited for his answer, my fingers entwined with each other as if I were begging.

When he talked, his breath brushed my face. "I can't let him down." My chest caved in and my shoulders slumped. "In an ideal world, Lucas deserves parents who love each other like Chris and Jenna did." My heart sank. "But having parents is better than no parents at all, and I want to believe we can be good parents even if we aren't perfect people."

"Thank you," I whispered and I allowed myself to look up at him. I saw the boy I'd loved so long ago, my teddy bear. He'd been my hero then, my compass, my family, that package nicely wrapped in decency and loyalty.

Josh didn't want to be that for me anymore; but for Lucas, maybe.

I had to look forward. "So what's next?"

Josh straightened up and I almost tripped into the void. He rolled his eyes upward. "I have to stay in England for a couple more weeks. I'll also have to find another job. I doubt my current position will still be open."

Daddy's job offer...

"Will you still be in D.C.?" And what I meant was: "Will we be in D.C.?"

"That's the plan."

I wondered what social services would say about us living outside Kansas. But one hurdle at a time. We'd cross that bridge when we came to it.

The sound of a key inserted in a lock cut off my thoughts. A door opened and shut, steps on the wooden floor... Stiletto-steps.

"Darling, I'm here."

Eleanor.

Josh's face froze.

"What's going on here?"

Josh jumped to his feet and circled round the coffee table.

"Why is she here?" Eleanor wasn't her usual chirpy self.

"I thought you were staying with your parents in London tonight." Josh, nooooo. That so wasn't the right answer. Now, we looked as if we'd been making out all over her beige cushions.

Judging by the fire in Eleanor's eyes, that was her conclusion too. "I wanted to surprise you, and it looks like I did just that."

"It's not what you think." Now, we looked as if we'd been screwing each other on the sofa and in their bed. And maybe on the wooden floor and the kitchen counter.

Eleanor turned all Ice Queen on us. "Enlighten me then."

Josh took a couple of tentative steps towards her and stopped. He ran his hand through his hair and let out a heavy breath. "It's even worse than you think."

I saw Eleanor swallow hard. Her designer bag landed on the floor, next to her endless and perfectly shaped legs. Time to take my cue.

"I should go." In seconds, I was midway to the door.

"I think you should stay," Eleanor said. That wasn't a request. "Time to face the music, lady."

I pulled on the hem of my skirt to cover some of my not-that-endless legs.

"Now I want you to cut the BS." Eleanor's gaze hunted for Josh across my shoulder. "After how you freaked out last night when she was on stage and pretty much each time you've seen this girl, am I right to assume you were childhood sweethearts?"

"We are more than that. Cassie is my wife."

Shock rippled through Eleanor's body. "You're shitting me."

Holy shit, the girl just swore.

"She got pregnant, so we got married in our senior year."

That was short-cutting most of our backstory, and I hadn't got pregnant on my own for crying out loud.

"You never wore a wedding ring." Eleanor's hands curled into fists. "And you've never, ever mentioned her name during the four years we've dated."

"That's because I completely cut myself off from my past, from her."

"She," "her" had a name and was still in the room. I moved sideways to free the line between these two, and to protect myself.

"Where is the baby?" Her question dripped with the pain I saw in her eyes.

Josh narrowed the distance with Eleanor so that we were now at about the same level.

"At the time, Cassie told me she had an abortion." I saw relief on Eleanor's face followed by shame. "In fact, as I've only recently learned, she'd put the baby up for adoption."

"So what is she doing here? What does she want?" Eleanor pointed at me as if I were the Wicked Witch of the West.

Maybe I was. I stole a look at the door. I so wanted to get out of here.

Josh continued using the same soothing tone, as if the girl had just thrown a tantrum. "Lucas lost his adoptive parents last month." He seemed to struggle to deliver the rest of his answer. "Cassie wants to adopt him. I...I can't let him down either. He's my son."

Eleanor shook her head. "I don't believe you. You're lying. If you had severed all ties with her, then how did she even know where we lived?"

"Because I started the divorce proceedings the week before I proposed. I should never have proposed to you until Cassie was legally out of my life."

I couldn't stay for any more of this. I had my hand on the door handle when Eleanor's words shot at my back. "You're ruining his life. Do you know that?"

Granted, the girl had reasons to be devastated right now. Pissed off as hell. I looked at Josh, but he was only focusing on Eleanor.

"I put our baby up for adoption so that Josh could get his ass out of Steep Hill and go to Georgetown... so that he could have the bright future he deserved and, maybe, some day marry someone just like you." The mask of hate on Eleanor's face fizzled. "I'd have given him a divorce if my son hadn't become an orphan. I still would, if that's what he wants. I just had to tell him the truth. He deserved that much. And now I have to do whatever it takes to care for...for our son. I don't want to hurt you, Eleanor. You're a decent girl. But I won't let Lucas grow up in foster care."

"Cassie, I'd like you to leave now. Eleanor and I need to be on our own."

I pushed on the door handle and cracked the door open.

"There's nothing else to discuss." Eleanor had inserted herself in the space between me and the door and pushed it wide open. Her handbag was over her shoulder. "I don't want to have anything else to do with the two of you."

She was already on the porch when Josh caught up with her, leaving me behind holding the door like the fucking maid. Outside it was past twilight and the only light came from the streetlights. I smelled the dampness of rain in the air.

"Please, Lenor, don't go." His voice cracked but punched me in the stomach. "There's so much I want to explain."

"What is there to explain?" She reminded me of a cobra ready to strike. "That you got down and dirty with that trash at seventeen and didn't have the common sense to use a condom."

The only part of Josh's body I could see was his back. It stiffened. "If you want to lash out, I'm the one you should go after. But leave Cassie out of this."