*Flashback*

I came to the Naruto world after building a super powerful AI robot. Yeah, it exploded from being unable to contain the electric energy from the entire planet within its sh.e.l.l. I used normal materials, after all. It wasn't like some kinda OP fantasy metal like adamant.i.te or mithril or somethin'.

Anyway, that explosion killed me, and my soul traveled through dimensions, fused with the AI part of my robot.

Well, I found myself in a beautiful 7-year-old body that was previously an Uzumaki. The AI that fused with my soul mutated into a system, whose new name is Sa.s.snugget. I know, I know. What kinda name is that? Idk, but I blame my brain. It just won't shut up...

I traveled to Konoha, which was literally 2 miles away from where I was, and stayed there for a while with Kakas.h.i.+ Hatake, who became my adopted brother.

One night, I summoned a huge twelve-tailed fox in the forest just outside of Konoha. Her name was Akayuki. But it seems she was noticed by some annoying flies. Namely Danzo.

I orchestrated a plan to keep the Uchiha clan alive and well while making sure Sasuke and the rest of the village think that the clan was killed off by Itachi. Well, it was only a genjutsu though.

Then, me and Itachi left Konoha to join the Akatsuki as spies. I left a clone made of chaos essence at the village, since I wasn't technically supposed to leave. n.o.body except Itachi, s.h.i.+sui, and the rest of the clan knew I was involved with the supposed ma.s.sacre. If I left without saying anything, it might've seemed suspicious.

A month after I left Konoha, while my clone was attending the boring academy cla.s.ses, I was busy torturing the Akatsuki members. Especially Tobi. Poor guy was terrified by me. He finally fainted while we were on the way to Konoha to 'capture' the Kyuubi. The pitiful weakling couldn't even withstand the pressure of my summoned void dragon, Onyx.

He woke up once we got near Konoha again. I set up a barrier and confronted him about Madara Uchiha... among other things. That's when I realized that this isn't the same Naruto world that I knew from the anime. There was an additional existence by the name of 's.h.i.+ro Ōtsutsuki', who is apparently the emperor of the Ōtsutsuki clan.

Madara told me all about it.

Apparently, Kaguya from the original story is only a princess of the branch clan. And Emperor s.h.i.+ro explained it all to Madara while he was in a fakey death-like state. So now, old man Madara is working for s.h.i.+ro. He was told to keep an eye on Zetsu.

But just when he was about to say something else to me, he stopped and began to shout at empty s.p.a.ce! If it's not a ghost, then it can only be Emperor s.h.i.+ro telepathically communicating with him. Don't underestimate my IQ, s.h.i.+ro. You may be hiding yourself, but I know it was you. It was you who said it wasn't me who changed canon, not the author. What exactly is going on, s.h.i.+ro? Why would you say that...?

*Flashback END*

—————

Obito and I had already kamui-ed back to my barrier. I got what I needed from Madara, so it was time to continue my act. We entered Konoha quietly, no fuss. I had already shapes.h.i.+fted back into the disguise form I used earlier. It was a lot more convenient now, since Obito was on my side. There was no friction at all, and we already had a plan. First, we had to find Kakas.h.i.+.

That was the easy part, since I had lived in his house for a while before leaving. Well, my clone does still live there, though.

We arrived at the Hatake household and knocked.

Yeah, I know we're technically considered S-Rank criminals just from being members of Akatsuki, and it's weird for criminals to knock, but I'm not about to kick down my adopted nii-san's door. Heck no.

Obito was shaking again. He must be nervous... after all, he's meeting his old childhood friend again after years of him thinking he was dead. Well, that and Obito's Sharingan now belongs to Kakas.h.i.+. Talk about awkward, staring into your own eye.

I tried that once. The mirror broke. Apparently, my gorgeous eyes were too much for it to take. I took it as an equivalent to Hokage-jiji's nosebleed that day that I met Naruto. Well, after that, I sold the broken mirror for 0.5 CP.

Finally, the door swung open. It was my clone. I winked at the other me, and she understood.

"Nii-san, it's for you!"

Kakas.h.i.+ showed up soon after. When he saw the cloak with red clouds on it, he turned vigilant.

"Luna, go wait inside."

But in the next second, the Luna he was talking to turned into particles and floated away. I got the most recent memory updates after the clone dissolved.

Ah, but Kakas.h.i.+ looked shocked.

"A clone...?"

I corrected, "My clone, to be exact. Can we talk inside, nii-san?"

"Uhh... sure..."

Good, he seems to have caught on. Well, not like it matters where we talk. I've already set up a barrier around the house. Oh, but I was sick of standing. I wanted to sit. Yep.

Kakas.h.i.+ asked, "So what's going on?"

I s.h.i.+fted back into my own form. "Before that, let me introduce someone."

I looked over to a fidgeting Obito. Geez, stop acting like a little girl about to confess her love. Yer not gay, ya know.

"This is—"

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Before I could finish, he reached up and took off his mask. Well, the rest was pretty much how I imagined. Kakas.h.i.+ started tearing up and doubting his eyesight. While he continually apologized, Obito cried anime tears and got all choked up hugging him and trying to comfort him... d*mn, you're really not gay, right?? Riiight???

After a while they calmed down and went back to being straight. What a relief~

"Now onto the main topic. The Akatsuki are planning to collect the tailed beasts and/or their chakra and use it to revive the Juubi. As you may know, Naruto is the Kyuubi jinchuuriki. If the Akatsuki try to unseal the Kyuubi, Naruto will die."

Kakas.h.i.+ tried to process what I said. Then he asked, "So you're saying that you are here to steal the Kyuubi?"

"Eeehhh, nii-san I thought you knew me better than that??"

"...In that case, I'm confused."

I rolled my eyes. "We're here to save him. Obito and I are merely spying on the Akatsuki. We aren't actually going to follow their plans. If we did, the world would probably become a mess."

Kakas.h.i.+ sighed. "Fine. I don't really get it, but how can I help?"

I grinned, "Get me some chakra. Hmm... Hokage-jiji's should do nicely. Also, some 100% purity chakra metal. In the meantime, I'll go visit the academy~"

Next day...

I was walking towards the academy. I figured Naruto's still there... unless another non-canon thing happened and he died early...

Ah, not good. I raised a flag.

...Well, let's not think about that anymore. Mmmm~

I hummed the opening song from DBZ the rest of the way there.

...F*ck, it's as I thought. I can't remember past the second verse for the second life of me. Even worse... I'm tone deaf. I mourn for my mismatched angel face.

Well, I seem to have arrived at the academy. Che~ no fun. I hadn't even had the chance to start humming Saitama's 'One Punch Theme'.

I cursed the author for getting me here so quickly as I grapevined into the cla.s.sroom Naruto was in only to find him secretly asleep and everyone else staring at me like I had suddenly turned into Optimus Prime. Wtf. Is there something on my flawless face? Y'all look as if y'all had seen a ghost.

*gasp*! Don't tell me... nonono, it can't be true...

"...OI! NARUTO-KUN!!! Don't diiiiieeee! I'm sorry for raising that death flag on my way here, so pleeeaaase will ya come back to me? You can't meet Kami yet!"

...No response. F*ck, don't tell me he's really dead???

Sa.s.snugget: "...No, my queen. The [Naruto-kun] has not been acquainted with the [Kami] yet. System suggests my queen to try the following methods to wake him up. 1: Bullhorn. 2: Bucket of ice water. 3: Empty bucket to the head. 4: The good old-fas.h.i.+oned [Nutbuster]... although this method is not recommended at your current strength. 5) Chop off—"

My face turned dark and I made a deeply murderous grin.

'Hehehehe~~~ my dearest Sa.s.snugget... have you by any chance been studying the 'dark humor' from my previous life?'

"DING! Negatory, my queen. Besides, system cannot seem to properly comprehend this term. What is [studying]? Can it be eaten?"

"..."

"In all seriousness, my queen. Perhaps [Ramen] will do the trick. By my calculations, it would take 2.2503 hours to wake Naruto-kun via the previous, more normal means. However, [Ramen] would only take 0.1137 seconds to wake him up after he gets one whiff of it, excluding preparation and travel time."

'Very clever, Sa.s.snugget. Impressive. However, it's a little too clever. Have you finally upgraded your software?'

Sa.s.snugget: "....."

*smirk* Thought not. Welp, in any case, I have a better idea.

I walked into the cla.s.sroom, stood right next to Naruto, and grinned mischievously.

Then I simultaneously let loose my Chaos aura and shouted in the most heart-rending, tragic tone I could muster, "NOOOOOO! ICHIRAKU IS CLOSING?!?!?! That can't be..!"

Yosh. Now not only is Naruto awake, but so is the fox. Ahh, sh*t. I forgot that the village is still scared of the Kyuubi. Meh, I guess I'll just have to tell Hokage-jiji the truth later.

"YO, Kurama! Did ya miss me?"

Naruto's currently fox-red eyes watched me cautiously. Hmmm~ so the fox really is scared of my chaos aura. I suspected ever since the day I met this Mini-Minato. He seemed genuinely clueless though, so I couldn't be sure.

I took a sideways glance at our surroundings. Mmmm~ yep! Change of scenery it is!

I kamui-ed the both of us to Madara's batcav— PTUI! Correction, his battlecave. Of course, I ended up dodging another random shuriken.

When Kurama realized that a certain ancient Uchiha gramps was currently right in front of us, and hurling random sharp projectiles at us no less, he took a battle-ready stance and subconsciously showed a panicstricken expression.

"Woah, there. Cool it, Kurama. We wouldn't want your overflowing chakra to melt the cave into liquid lavrock, now would we? Not to mention, it wouldn't be as simple as just innocently baking a couple of burnt cookies. It would be more like... broiling meat until it gets charred and turns into ashes."

Hm? Why're they s.h.i.+vering? It's definitely not cold in here... ah, but it does seem to be cooling down pretty rapidly. Well done, Kurama. I'm proud of you for reeling in your temper.

...Something feels off though.

I took a closer look at the two of them. Ahhh... AH... so it's like that. Hehehe~ these two scaredy-b.u.ms. The Narutopian natives don't seem to understand dark humor. How fun~~

While I would enjoy entertaining myself some more with their exaggerated reactions, it's about time to get back to business. Tch, what a pain.

...Oi, Author-san. Don't infect me with your lazy Nara syndrome. s.h.i.+kamaru is one of your spirit animals! Not mine!

"...Yeah, so here's the deal. The Akatsuki want the tailed beasts, Madara isn't actually deranged, and Kaguya Otsutsuki isn't the biggest big-shot. Any questions?"

Two hands simultaneously shot up into the air. I groaned. What could they possibly have not understood from what I said?!

"Ugh. Ok, fine. D*mmit, SIDDOWN YA STOOPIDS!!! I'll explain it all in slow, agonizing, eXcRUciaTinG detail!"

""...""

Two scared-sh*tless a.r.s.es. .h.i.tting the ground resounded throughout the battlecave.

*FIVE HOURS LATER~*

To be continued...

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***(A/N): I wanted to type this into the Author's thoughts section but some kind of error happened so I'll just type it in here:

*clears throat* I been gone~ for very long~~

...Basically, I'm trying to say that I'm back after a long hiatus (which is not relative because idk how long hiatuses USUALLY are...) but I know that despite my terrible writing skills, y'all were probably upset when I left. So therefore, gomennasai. Also, izviyni and duibuqi. I'm back to writing fanfics, and glanced back over this one(my first fanfic) for nostalgic purposes. Instead, I got inspired. *shrugs helplessly*

I hope y'all like it!