"I'm not doing it to hurt him," Lila answered. "I'm doing it because I've wanted to for years. And now that it seems I might not be able to have children-" Her voice caught.

Reuben tried not to react but guessed the accident had done some sort of damage.

"I want even more to know the person who's always been missing from my life."

"Babe," Zane said again. Reuben's heart fluttered at the way Zane talked to Lila. His love for her was so obvious, in a way Reuben-as an Amish man-wasn't accustomed to witnessing. Zane took Lila's hand. "We don't know about the Bobbli part," he said. "For sure."

She swiped at a tear. "It doesn't matter. I still want to find my father."

Reuben cleared his throat, feeling uncomfortable. He'd stayed too long. "I need to get going."

Zane stood and shook Reuben's hand. "I'm sorry," he said. "Really."

Reuben swallowed hard and said, "It's not your fault." It was Rose's fault. And Trevor's. "I'll let myself out."

Zane followed him to the kitchen. Reuben stopped a moment and faced him. Zane took a step backward.

"Don't worry about all of this," Reuben said. "In time, it will work out. Like all things do." He believed that-he just couldn't feel it right now. He continued on to the mud porch, grabbed his overcoat, and hurried out the back door. Thankfully Zane didn't follow him. Otherwise he would have seen him swiping at his eyes as he jogged toward his buggy.

It wasn't as if he was fleeing a burning building. It was more like he was fleeing the charred remains of the life he'd hoped to have. First with Lila. Then with Rose.

He was out of options.

19.

The next morning Lila got out of bed not long after Rose, took her turn in the bathroom, and then managed to dress by herself. She was sore from her fall the night before and decided to take a pain pill, even though she hadn't had one since the morning of her ob-gyn appointment. But the bottle wasn't where it belonged. She looked through all the cupboards but didn't find it anywhere. Perhaps Rose had put the bottle away somewhere different.

Lila woke Trudy and told her she needed to get dressed. "Rose is helping Dat with the milking, so you need to feed the chickens." Trudy yawned and snuggled under her quilt for another minute but then slipped out of bed and dressed quickly. She wasn't one to chat much in the morning, which was fine with Lila. She hoped Beth had talked with her about Rose the night before because, honestly, Lila wasn't sure what to tell her.

As Lila pinned her Kapp in place, instead of the scarf she'd been wearing for the last few weeks except when she left the house, she realized how focused she'd been on herself. True, right after the accident she had to concentrate on her healing. She had no energy for anything else. But it was time for her to start putting others before herself again.

She crutched her way to the kitchen, cheered by the thought of a mug of coffee. As she poured, Beth stepped into the kitchen, ready for the day. "My, you're up early," she said. She seemed a little too chipper considering what was going on in the family. "What shall we fix for breakfast?"

Lila shrugged. She wasn't sure what was on hand.

"How about a haystack?"

Just the thought of it made Lila's mouth water-for the first time in months. Biscuits on the bottom, diced ham, eggs, cheese, and then gravy. Dat would be in heaven.

"Sounds good," Lila said. "I can chop the ham and grate the cheese."

"Great idea," Beth said. In no time she had Lila set up at the table while she mixed up the biscuits.

"Have you seen my bottle of pills? They were in the cupboard next to the refrigerator."

"No," Beth said, opening up the cupboard. "I don't know where else they would be."

"I'll ask Rose," Lila said.

Trudy came in, gave Beth a hug, and headed to the bathroom to wash.

Beth hummed "Amazing Grace" as she cooked. Perhaps Dat had stoked the fire more than usual, or perhaps it was Beth's goodness that warmed the house. She popped the biscuits into the oven and then traipsed over to the refrigerator, pulling out the gravy from the night before. She dumped it into a pan and lit the burner. Then she opened the carton of eggs on the counter.

"Life was so easy for you before," Lila said. "You probably ate an apple and cheese for breakfast."

Beth stopped for a moment. "A banana and peanut b.u.t.ter was actually my favorite."

Lila shook her head. "Try feeding that to Dat."

Beth smiled back and then said, "I'm so thankful I'll never eat breakfast by myself again, Lord willing." She turned back to cooking the eggs. "It's a privilege to be part of a family again."

Family. Tears filled Lila's eyes. She was grateful for their family too. Yet she longed for something more, for a deeper connection. Trudy interrupted Lila's thoughts, asking Beth if she should go help Dat and Rose.

"No," Beth said. "Please set the table."

As Trudy worked, she asked, "Will Rose keep living here?"

Beth turned toward her. "What do you mean?"

Trudy positioned Dat's plate. "Well, since Trevor is the father of her Bobbli, shouldn't she marry him?"

"Possibly not," Beth said. "There are a lot of issues to take into account. Remember how we talked in cla.s.s about gathering all the evidence before making a decision? Rose needs to do that."

Lila's heart contracted. None of it felt fair. She had a man who loved her, a house . . . and a body that might not be able to get pregnant, that wouldn't be able to carry a Bobbli in a normal way.

Rose had the Bobbli but no husband or home.

Dat was thrilled with breakfast. In light of the news from the night before, everyone was on their best behavior, until Rose turned to Dat and said, "I will take Eve up on her offer to be Jackson's caregiver. That will be better for everyone."

Dat pushed back in his chair. "Could we discuss this later?"

"Sure," Rose said, "but I'm going to go over and talk with Eve this afternoon."

After breakfast, Dat drove Beth and Trudy to school and Rose started to clean up. Lila sat at the table and asked, "How did things go last night over at Gideon's?"

"Fine," Rose answered.

"What did he say?"

"That I'll need to confess in front of the congregation. Then be under the Bann. The usual stuff." Rose shrugged.

It was all expected. "Did he say anything about Reuben?"

Rose shook her head and started washing the dishes.

An hour later the physical therapist arrived. Day by day, all of it was getting easier for Lila. But still, by the time the woman left, Lila was exhausted.

When Dat came in for dinner-pork loin with applesauce-he told Rose that he had a message that Reuben had a big delivery to make and he needed Dat to work at the lumberyard. Then he said, "I'll need you to pick up Beth and Trudy."

"All right," Rose said. "I'll do it after I go by Eve's."

Dat shook his head. "I wish you wouldn't do that."

Rose shrugged.

Lila watched the two. Something was changing in both of them. Beth had definitely mellowed Dat, but it was more than that. He seemed more settled as a parent. Much more than he had been with Daniel's Rumschpringe, Simon joining the Army, or with her decision not to court Reuben.

But she knew Rose's news was still hard on Dat. He pushed back his chair, thanked Rose for dinner, and left for the lumberyard. He didn't tell Lila good-bye.

While Rose scrubbed the dishes, Lila said, "I'll go with you. I want to talk to Eve too."

"All right," Rose answered, but she didn't ask about what and Lila didn't offer her any information.

Lila was still in pain though. "Have you seen my meds? They were in the kitchen cupboard."

Rose sighed. "Not this again. When was the last time you saw them?"

"That last doctor's appointment."

Rose shook her head. "I haven't seen them."

Lila searched the bathroom and, not finding the bottle, took two ibuprofen.

They arrived at Eve's just after four. She'd just gotten home from her teaching job and hadn't taken Jackson's coat off of him yet. Rose took the baby from her and pulled his arms out from each sleeve, and then bounced him gently while Eve put her book bag away and took off her coat. She wore pants and a cardigan over a long-sleeved cotton shirt. It was still hard for Lila, even though it had been over ten years, to get used to her Aenti dressing Englisch.

Lila managed to plant herself on the sofa. Eve offered them tea, but first Lila and then Rose declined. "Sit down," Lila said. "We both want to talk with you."

"All right," Eve said, a concerned look on her face. She sat on the other end of the sofa.

"You go first," Lila said to Rose.

Rose turned toward Eve as she patted the baby's back. "I'd like to be Jackson's caregiver and live here. I think it would be good for me-I'd get more experience with an infant, more than just being a mother's helper. And I think it would be good for Dat and Beth too-even Trudy-not to have me around." Her eyes grew a little misty, but her voice was strong.

"Rose," Lila said. "That's not how anyone feels."

"I know," Rose said. "Dat's responded much better than I expected, but it would be easier for them. Dat and Beth don't deserve to have to deal with me right now."

Eve exhaled. "I would be glad to have you care for Jackson."

Rose nodded.

"Have you spoken with Trevor?" Eve asked.

Rose shook her head. "He never returned my call."

"Do you want Charlie to call him?"

Rose shook her head again. "No. I want to let it be, for now."

"All right," Eve said.

When neither said any more, Lila cleared her throat. "Speaking of birth fathers."

Rose rolled her eyes. Lila smiled. That was more like the sister she knew.

"Yes," Eve said.

"I'd like to find mine, and I wondered if you have any more information on him."

Eve stood. "Did you speak with your Dat about this?"

"I'm an adult. I don't need his permission." Lila felt a little foolish. She was totally dependent on her father.

"Have you thought it through? What if you can't find him? Or what if he doesn't want to meet? What if he does agree to meet, and you don't like him?"

"Why?" Lila asked. "Was he not very likable?"

Eve smiled. "No, that's not it. He was very likable. But that was a long time ago, and I honestly didn't know him very well."

Lila shrugged. "At least I'd know who he is."

Eve hesitated. Finally she said, "I really don't know any more than that his name is Butch Wilson. And that he was from Virginia."

"Do you know what city?"

Eve shook her head.

"How old do you think he was? You know. Back then."

"Twenty. Maybe. Not more than twenty-one."

"So he'd be forty-three or so?"

Eve nodded.

Lila's mother would only be forty if she'd lived.

Eve leaned forward a little. "How do you plan to find him?"

"I'll ask Shani if I can use her computer."