"Oh," Zane said.

"She keeps asking when I'm coming home. So does my dad."

"So when are you going home?"

Trevor shifted into drive. "I'm not sure. I should have given notice at work. I'm just not thinking very clearly."

"Are you still drinking?"

"No," Trevor said. "It's not that."

Zane wasn't so sure.

"I'll talk with the boss tomorrow. I'll give my two weeks' notice and then be on my way after that," Trevor said. "Like I should have been a few weeks ago."

Zane wanted to sigh in relief but stopped himself. Maybe, someday, things would return to normal on Juneberry Lane. One step at a time.

17.

Rose headed toward the chicken coop, her arm looped through the egg basket. The first dusting of snow had fallen the night before, and the farm appeared as if powdered sugar had been sifted over it. If she hadn't been so out of sorts, she'd have marveled at the beauty of it.

Trudy was ill with a bad cold-hopefully not the flu-and Lila had told Rose to tend to the chickens.

Beyond the coop, Dat hitched Beth's horse to her buggy, just as he did every morning. It was a lot to teach school, and Rose could tell Beth was doing all she could to help with meals and clean up and ch.o.r.es, in addition to her teaching responsibilities.

When she reached the coop, Rose opened the door quickly and stepped inside, squinting in the dim light. The hens stirred and then began to cluck. Rose opened the bin, scooped up the feed, and stepped to the little door that led to the chicken yard. The rooster was already out there, strutting around. Rose flung the grain on top of the thin layer of snow. Most of the hens flew down and headed out the door to the yard.

Rose turned her attention to their nests and began gathering the eggs as quickly as she could, the sh.e.l.ls warm against her bare hands.

She hadn't been sick yet this morning. That was a good sign. She sighed. It really wasn't. It was irrelevant. At first she hoped she had the flu, but it had gone on for weeks. Not even she could be in denial that long.

She hadn't taken a test yet. She would, even though she didn't need to. She was one hundred percent sure-and absolutely positive she'd made the worst mistake of her life.

Tears blurred her vision, but as Beth called out her name she blinked quickly. Her stepmother-how odd that word still sounded-stood in the doorway to the coop, carrying a book bag stuffed with binders and papers.

She was a little out of breath as she said, "I just wanted to check on you to see how you're feeling."

"I'm fine," Rose answered.

"All right. Trudy is still in bed. I just gave her medicine for her fever. Make sure and check in a couple of hours, but don't give her any more medicine for another four."

Rose nodded, wondering how Beth thought they'd managed without her.

"Lila said the physical therapist is coming at ten. Keep Trudy in your room-we don't want her to expose the poor soul."

Rose nodded again. She might not have thought of that.

Beth reached for her arm. "Are you sure you're doing all right? You seem so unsettled lately."

"I'm fine," Rose answered. "Really."

"Is it adjusting to me being here? Is it . . . difficult?"

"No, no," Rose said. "I'm so happy you're here. Honestly." She truly was.

"Then is it Reuben? Because he hasn't been around, not at all. Your Dat hasn't noticed as much because . . . well, he's just not thinking about those sorts of things right now. But I'm worried-"

"Ach, no. I'm fine," Rose said.

"Would you tell me if you need my help? Because I'd do anything I could. Listen. Help come up with a solution. Anything."

Dat called out, "Beth?"

"In here," she called back.

"Denki," Rose said. "You should get going. We can talk later."

"All right," Beth said. "Tonight when I get home." She stepped back out the door. "Have a good day."

"You too." Rose picked up another egg. It was cracked and broke in her hand. She flung it to the floor and burst into tears.

She'd seen Reuben at church last week. He'd said he'd pick her up for the singing that night, but she declined, saying she needed to help with Lila. He hadn't pressed her, but the moment felt awkward, and she feared he could see right through her. She hadn't seen Trevor. He'd come by that one day when she was doing laundry and tried to talk, but all she could do was cry. He'd grown frustrated with her and said to call when she was ready to talk.

She'd been so taken with him, until the morning after that night in Dat's barn. Then it hit her what she'd done. To Reuben. To herself. Even to Trevor.

Immediately, she'd been convicted. Verses she'd hardly listened to came back to her, including, "Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out."

Yes, she would be found out. There was no stopping it. Until now she'd had no idea how deceitful she could be. How lacking in integrity.

She had no idea how hard it could be, in the face of temptation, to follow Christ's teaching, to adhere to what her community required. There was a reason for those teachings-to protect her from herself. From deception. From evil. From being utterly alone in the hardest thing she'd ever faced.

She didn't feel any worse when she missed her period. It didn't make what she'd done any more dreadful. It just meant everyone would soon see right through her. She felt no more shame at knowing what she'd helped create than in knowing what she'd done.

She'd confessed her sin to G.o.d. Now it was time to confess it to others. But first she needed to talk with Trevor. She wiped her tears and headed out of the barn as Dat's buggy pa.s.sed by. "I'm taking Beth to school," he called out. "Just in case the roads are bad."

Beth smiled and waved. Rose waved back, but she couldn't manage to smile. Dat would be so disappointed in her, but at least he'd have Beth to help him cope.

The buggy wheels left two crisp lines in the snow. Rose watched the buggy until it turned right onto the lane and disappeared.

With Dat gone, this was her chance to call Trevor-or to at least leave a message. She'd ask him to come talk with her as soon as he could. She never thought she'd consider leaving the Amish, but she needed to know his response before she could be sure.

If she'd learned one thing growing up, it was that a child should be with both of its biological parents. It was obvious, even to her, that Dat favored Simon, her, and Trudy over Lila and Daniel. She would never expect Reuben to accept her Bobbli with another man. She wouldn't want him to. She'd seen what it had been like for Lila and Daniel. She didn't want that for her child.

She headed into the barn and Dat's office, putting the basket on the desk and picking up the phone, dialing Trevor's number. He didn't pick up, so she left a message, saying she needed to speak with him as soon as possible.

She hung up the phone, waited a minute just in case he would call back, and picked up the eggs. As she reached the door, the phone rang. She rushed back to answer it, hoping it was Trevor, but she said, "h.e.l.lo, this is the Lehman Dairy," as if it might be a business call.

It was Trevor. After he greeted her she asked if he had listened to her voicemail.

"No," he answered. "I just saw that you called."

"I need to speak with you, in person."

"What about?"

"I'd rather say face-to-face."

"I'm pretty busy."

"It's important."

He didn't answer.

"Trevor."

"I'm thinking. Look, if it's about what happened, I'm really sorry. I tried to tell you that when you were doing your laundry, when I stopped by that day."

"Jah," she said. "I should have talked with you then." She would have, if she'd been sure she didn't have the flu, that it was more than that.

"You seemed willing enough that night, in the barn."

She paused, not sure what to say. Finally she decided to be honest. "I was."

"Then what's the problem?"

"We need to talk."

"Can you come over to Eve and Charlie's tomorrow? Midafternoon? Eve won't be home yet."

"All right," she answered. "I'll see you then."

"Yeah," he answered. "Bye." The line went dead before she could say any more. His tone stung. It was far from that of the friendly, confident man he'd been before. She walked back to the house with her free hand against her abdomen. She feared he wasn't who she'd thought he was, not at all, but no matter what, he was the father of her child.

Trudy didn't go to school the next day either, but Lila was fine being in charge. Early in the afternoon, Rose told her she needed to run an errand. More snow had fallen, and the trip to Eve's was cold, with gusts of wind rocking the buggy from time to time. Rose usually loved winter. Sledding and skating. s...o...b..ll fights after the singings. But this year nothing about winter appealed to her. The icy wind seemed to go straight to her bones.

When Rose arrived at Charlie and Eve's house, Trevor's car wasn't parked in front of the garage. Instead Eve and Charlie's black sedan was. Maybe Trevor had parked in the shed, but that didn't explain why Eve's car was at the house. She should have been at school, teaching her kindergartners. Rose hitched her horse to the post along the side of the garage and headed toward Eve's front door, pulling her scarf tight around her neck against the wind.

She opened the screen door and knocked a couple of times, hoping Trevor would quickly open the door, but no one came. She knocked again, a little louder, and then took a step backward. Icicles hung from the eaves of the house, and snow was starting to blow across the yard. Jah, winter had arrived with a vengeance.

Finally footsteps fell across the floor, and then the door swung open, but it was Aenti Eve not Trevor. Eve wore jeans, a sweatshirt, and a pair of fleece-lined slippers. She looked as if she hadn't slept in a week.

"Oh, h.e.l.lo," Eve said. "Come on in."

"I didn't expect you to be home," Rose said.

"Jackson is sick with a bad cold. Maybe the flu. He has a fever. I have a call in to the doctor."

"Trudy's ill too. She's home with Lila."

Eve looked exhausted. "There's definitely a lot of illness going around. I've been missing a lot of work to stay home with Jackson. I didn't want to resign from my job until we knew whether we'd be able to adopt him for sure or not, but I think I'm going to have to soon."

Rose hoped her expression was sympathetic. Dat didn't think Eve should have gone to college, let alone taken a teaching job. He believed only unmarried women should work. Dat had even implied that the reason Eve wasn't able to get pregnant was that she'd been prideful and had gone to college. And then even worse, sought a job. But Rose suspected that Eve had been trying to get pregnant since she got married. A wave of guilt washed through Rose.

"What brings you here?" Eve asked.

Rose squared her shoulders. "I was hoping to speak with Trevor."

Eve had a confused expression on her face as she said, "He's not here. In fact, I'm not sure he'll be back. He said he was going to spend the night at Zane's, before he leaves in the morning."

Rose put her hand against the doorjamb. "He's leaving?"

Eve nodded.

"Where's he going?"

"Back home, is what I understand. But he hasn't been very forthcoming." She motioned for Rose to come in. "You need to get out of the cold."

Rose stepped inside, and Eve closed the door. She pointed toward the sofa. "Sit down." Then she asked, "Do you have time for me to make some tea?"

Rose nodded.

"Let me take your cape."

Rose slipped out of it and handed it to Eve and then stepped into the living room. Why had Trevor told her to meet him here?

She started to sit down, but a fussing noise caught her attention from down the hall. She headed toward the noise. The door to the baby's room was open, and the little boy was on his back in his crib, waving his arms and legs, screaming. Rose stepped to the side and lifted him out. He stopped crying for a moment, looking into her face. But then he started to scream again. She put him to her shoulder and began patting his back.

He began to calm down. Even though he felt warm, she grabbed a blanket from the top of the bureau and wrapped it around him.

As she headed back out to the living room, he hiccupped a couple of times but stayed calm.

Eve poked her head out from the kitchen. "Oh, thanks," she said, glancing at the clock. "He didn't sleep long."

The kettle began to whistle and Rose stepped into the kitchen as Eve poured hot water into the teapot. "I don't want you to get sick. Are you okay holding him?" she asked.

Rose nodded. She'd probably already been exposed from Trudy, but she honestly felt conflicted holding the little one. In another year she'd have a Bobbli his size. And she might be far away from Lancaster County. She swallowed hard, trying not to choke up.

Eve turned toward her and crossed her arms. "So what's going on? Why do you want to speak with Trevor?"

Rose's face grew warm. She'd never been as close to her Aenti as Lila had been. Sure, she knew Eve cared about her, but she'd never confided in her about anything. Rose had been a little girl-only eight-when Eve and Charlie had married, forcing Eve to leave the church. But she'd always had the impression that at one time in her life, before she joined the church, Eve had a wild side. No one ever talked about it, but it seemed that was part of Dat's criticism of Eve all these years.