Trevor shook his head a little and then said, "Yeah, whatever. I'll stick with my car-red and fast." He smiled.

Zane shrugged. In all of his frustration lately, he was still grateful he'd chosen to identify with the Amish. He appreciated both the outward and inward commitment to G.o.d, family, and community, instead of to individualism. Sure, compet.i.tion was normal between people, but there wasn't the same sort of everyone-for-himself compet.i.tion he'd experienced as an Englischer. He appreciated the way they took care of each other through life's trials.

Trevor swallowed another spoonful of soup and said, "I'll go back home in a month or so. Maybe I'll find a job in construction. Sit around and drink on the weekends."

Zane raised his eyebrows. "I thought you'd stopped drinking."

"Yeah, well. I have. Mostly."

"It's not anything to mess with."

Trevor shrugged. "What can I say? I'm pathetic."

"Have you been drinking recently?"

Trevor pushed his chair back. "I was just joking-don't get all righteous with me." He leaned back in the chair. "I should probably get over my fear of commitment and try to work things out with Sierra. Maybe we can get back together, get married, start a family. Maybe she'll back off and stop nagging me all the time. Maybe I can have a little bit of what you have. Except I won't have everyone in the county helping me like you do. I'll barely have my dad's help."

"What about going back to school? With the G.I. Bill."

Trevor brought the chair back down. "I've never liked school."

"You could use it for a vocational program. There are all sorts of possibilities. You can talk to one of the counselors at the Veterans Center."

Trevor shrugged. "I guess I'm in a funk is all." He held up his spoon. "I'll finish this and get out of your way."

"Take your time." Zane stood and took his empty bowl to the sink. "I'm going to get to bed." Maybe a good sleep would help him feel better.

Zane started to head up the stairs but realized he hadn't asked Trevor what time he'd come by to pick him up in the morning. He backtracked, stepping back into the kitchen. Trevor's back was to him, but he held a flask.

Zane exhaled. "You weren't joking."

Trevor turned around, putting the cap back on the flask as he did. "Looks like you caught me."

"You promised not to drink here."

He slipped the flask into his pocket. "I didn't. Not until today."

"How much have you had?" Zane asked.

"Not much." He patted his pocket.

Zane wasn't sure what to do.

"Look," Trevor said. "I really am sorry. I'll work for another couple of weeks and then give my notice. I'd leave sooner, but I'm going to need the reference."

Zane nodded. "We need to talk with Dad about the drinking."

Trevor frowned. "I'll talk with Charlie tonight and ask him to hold me accountable. You and your dad have enough to deal with right now."

Zane hesitated and then said, "Talk with Charlie." He held out his hand. "But give me the flask."

"Good idea," Trevor said, handing it over.

For half a second Zane thought maybe he understood the appeal. He could use some numbing himself at the moment. Instead he poured the alcohol-whiskey-down the sink and dropped the flask into the garbage.

"I'm just going to go over and tell your mom thanks for supper," Trevor said. "Then I'll get going. I'll pick you up at six thirty."

"Thanks," Zane said. "I appreciate it. But don't bother going over to tell Mom thanks. She probably already has Lila down for the night. She might be getting ready for bed. Besides, one of the Amish ladies made it anyway."

"All right," Trevor answered. "See you tomorrow. And listen, I'm sorry. Really."

Zane nodded, walked Trevor to the door, and then waited on the porch as his friend drove away. Trevor would go back to Delaware. Marry Sierra. And maybe he would be a father in a year or so, if he straightened up.

A father. As much as it would hurt Zane not to be a father, he knew not being a mother would hurt Lila even more, but he wasn't going to give up on them being able to have children.

But maybe Lila had, from that one ambiguous conversation with the doctor. Maybe that was why it seemed she was so distant. That or the pain pills. Or maybe she was trying to numb herself from the uncertainty that the future held. Or perhaps his mom was right, and she needed the meds to get through her pain.

He felt as if he was failing her, day by day. He couldn't take care of her. He couldn't take her pain away. He didn't understand what this new level of being Amish meant for him. This level of not fighting for justice. Of trusting G.o.d and the district to provide over a hundred fifty thousand dollars when the insurance company should be responsible for paying.

He'd use the rest of his savings to buy a new buggy. He wasn't going to dwell on the injustice of that. It didn't matter.

But he would talk to the lawyer. If the insurance company didn't pay, he'd accept whatever help the mutual aid fund could offer. And then he'd contribute as much as he could to it every month for the rest of his life.

12.

A draft of cold air in the little house awakened Lila. She opened her eyes, expecting Zane. Instead Trevor was closing the front door. She raised the backrest a little. "What are you doing here?"

He spun around. "Good morning," he said. "I'm looking for Shani."

"She might be in the kitchen."

"I'll check." He disappeared through the archway to the kitchen and then returned a couple of minutes later. "She must be upstairs," he said. "Listen, I can't stick around. I'm picking up Zane for work. Would you tell Shani thanks for the soup last night? It was delicious."

"Sure." Lila was beginning to feel annoyed with Trevor, except that his giving Zane rides was a big help. She was grateful for that. "Tell Zane h.e.l.lo." He usually came over every morning before work, but maybe he was still out of sorts from their conversation with the insurance agent.

Trevor said that he would and then asked, "Is Rose helping today?"

"Jah." Sometimes it was hard to keep track of everyone's schedule. Shani was going to work. Joel was already helping with the milking. Rose would be over within the hour, after she cleaned up from breakfast. Dat would take Trudy to school today.

"Tell her h.e.l.lo." Trevor waved and then hurried out the door.

A few minutes later, the door flew open, allowing another cold draft of air to pierce the cozy house, and Zane hurried toward her.

"I thought you weren't coming," Lila said.

"I overslept," he answered. "Trevor's waiting with his car running so I only have a minute." He stopped at the side of the bed and took her hand. His was warm even though it was cold outside. "I want to talk with you sometime soon," he said.

Her stomach sank. He sounded so serious. "All right," she answered.

"It's important." He had that intense look he used to have a lot, but hadn't as much in the last year.

She nodded. "I'll be here." The joke was getting old.

"I'll see you then." He hurried out the door.

After Shani helped Lila dress for the day, she took the pillbox into the kitchen to fill it for the day. A minute later she came back in. "Where's your other bottle of pain meds?"

"You said they are in the kitchen cupboard."

"They're not there," Shani said. "Did Rose move them?"

"She didn't say anything," Lila said.

"We need to find the bottle." Shani appeared concerned. "I can get another refill at the pharmacy, since you haven't been taking the full dose, but this isn't good."

"I'm sure they were just misplaced," Lila answered. "I'll ask Rose." She wanted to be done with the pain meds, but she couldn't sleep without them, and her pain levels were high during the day too. The doctor said she'd heal faster if she wasn't fighting the pain all day long, but Lila still wanted to stop taking the meds soon.

Soon after Shani left for work, Rose arrived. Lila told her about the missing pain meds.

"I haven't seen them," Rose said. "Shani must have misplaced them."

Lila doubted that. "Could you get me a couple ibuprofen?" Hopefully they would be enough to help her tolerate the pain.

Rose complied. When she returned, after Lila swallowed the two pills, Rose asked, "Have you seen Trevor this morning?"

"Jah, he stopped by. And he was in the kitchen by himself."

"You're not insinuating he took the meds, are you?" Rose's face grew red as she spoke.

"I'm just saying he was in the kitchen." Lila raised her gaze to meet Rose's.

Her sister put her hands on her hips. "Maybe the meds are making you paranoid."

Lila doubted that. She wouldn't bother to tell Rose that Trevor had said to tell her h.e.l.lo. Lila asked about how Trudy was that morning.

"A little out of sorts," Rose said. "I told her she could come visit after school."

"And how is Dat?"

"Missing Beth," Rose answered. "He's been really quiet."

"He hasn't been over," Lila said. "Not once. I think he's avoiding me."

"No, not on purpose." Rose sank down into the recliner. "He's just . . . a little lost." Rose looked a little lost herself as she spoke, her eyes taking on a faraway look.

Lila couldn't imagine Dat staying away if Rose or Trudy were injured. He'd provided for her all these years, that was true, and she was very grateful. But there had always been something missing. He had come to see her in the hospital, but now he'd disappeared.

She pulled her mother's quilt up to her chin as best she could, without tugging on the fixator.

"Do you need anything?" Rose asked.

Lila shook her head, but then she said, "Do you think it's normal for me to wonder about my and Daniel's biological father?"

Rose seemed puzzled. Lila didn't blame her. It wasn't as if anyone in the family ever mentioned him, ever even acknowledged such a person existed.

"Never mind," Lila said.

"No." Rose leaned forward. "I don't think it's abnormal. You've just never brought him up before. I was surprised to have you mention him. I didn't think you ever even thought about him."

Lila shook her head. She wouldn't tell Rose how much.

"Have you ever thought about trying to find him?" Rose asked.

Lila shrugged. "Not really." Aenti Eve had told her the name-Butch Wilson. Zane told her she could look online and see if she could figure out who he was with the information she had. She'd never done it though.

"Jah." Rose stood. "It's probably for the best not to try to find him. You have so much going on as it is. And I think it would upset Dat. It would probably upset a lot of people." She pushed herself out of the recliner. "I'll go make some tea." She headed to the kitchen.

Rose was right. It would upset Dat. And most everyone in the district. They'd all see her as ungrateful, as putting her nose in business she had no right to, even though it was her business. Daniel would probably be upset too.

Tears stung Lila's eyes. She pulled the quilt up to her cheeks and let the soft fabric soak up her tears. She wasn't sure how to make up for the emptiness that was growing inside of her.

Lila was wide-awake when Rose and Trudy came through the door after school. Trudy crawled up on the bed, but without her pain meds the pressure of having Trudy so close was too much for Lila. "You'll have to sit in the chair," she said.

As Trudy told Lila that Beth had asked after her and sent her greetings, Lila shifted in the bed, as much as she could, trying to get comfortable. Then Trudy said that Beth had a visitor at school the day before, an Englisch man wearing a suit.

"Oh?" Lila managed to say.

"They spoke out in the entryway. She didn't tell us what it was about."

"It must have been private," Lila said.

Trudy nodded and prattled on about playing softball at recess. Finally Lila interrupted her little sister and called out to Rose in the kitchen for more ibuprofen, but it did nothing to cut the pain.

"Would you look for the pain meds again?" Lila asked. "They have to be here somewhere."

Rose said she'd searched all the cupboards and drawers.

Gritting her teeth and wondering how in the old days anyone survived, Lila asked, "Would you look again anyway?" In the old days she wouldn't have survived the accident, especially not with her spleen ruptured. Of course, an SUV would not have rear-ended her in the old days either.

Rose didn't answer but retreated to the kitchen. Lila doubted she actually searched again, but a few minutes later she came back in with her hands in the air in a hopeless gesture.