'Bastards. Aren't you supposed to be flooded with happiness hormones around now, ready for the birth?'

'Not yet I'm not.'

'Tell Fiona to piss off. Say you're not in the mood.'

'Or I could heat up the lasagne I've made and play nice.'

'Top plan. Lull her into a false sense of security, and then the first time she says something, pop her one. Is your gran going to be around?'

'Yes, she's coming to lunch with Reg.'

'No problem then. Anyone trying to disparage you and yours will be in big trouble.'

'That's what I'm hoping.'

'It's a dead cert, darling. So you just have a great party with Jack, and I'll look into the hormone thing for you.'

'Great.'

'Testosterone's supposed to be good. Marina, my friend in New York, her mother's on it, I think. All sorts of old bags are taking it over there. It's mainly for post-menopause, but I bet it works for any age. You grow a slight beard, but it's worth it. Might perk you up?'

'Thanks, but I think I'll pass.'

Actually, all I really need right now is to start growing a beard.

Jack's helping me set the table for lunch.

'I'm really helping, aren't I, Mum?'

'Yes, love, you are.'

'That's because I'm eight now.'

'Is it?'

'Yes. When you're eight you're much more grown-up. And then after lunch it'll nearly be time for my party, won't it?'

'Yes, nearly.'

I'm wearing my boots today, which I can't quite zip up, due to extra pregnancy calfage. My long stretchy black skirt is still okay, though, with one of Nick's old jumpers that I knitted for him years ago. It went all baggy and I used to wear it when I was pregnant with Archie. I'm really hoping I look like a mother who has Got Things Under Control, and I've rather brilliantly arranged the swimming bit of the party so I won't actually have to appear in my swimming costume, thank God. Polly and Gemma will be in the water with the kids, and I'm paying them 10 each as an extra incentive not to let anyone drown.

Fiona's knitted herself a rather lively jumper, which she's clearly very proud of; it's a complicated pattern of fruit and leaves and autumn berries, which must have taken her hours. There are so many different colours it makes you feel dizzy if you look at it for too long. And she's had a problem with the shoulder seams, so she looks like she's mid-shrug all the time.

'It's lovely, Fiona.'

'It did take a while, but I didn't want you think you were the only one in the family who could get busy with her needles.'

Perish the thought.

'Ever so many people have asked me where I got it.'

I bet they have.

'Would you like a coffee? Lunch is nearly ready.'

'Super. I'll just check on the girls; I don't usually allow television during the day.'

No wonder she looks so Tense.

'Gran should be here soon, with Reg.'

'Super. I'm so looking forward to meeting him. So sweet, getting married at her age, don't you think? Still, it goes to show, doesn't it? You should never give up hope.' She looks rather pointedly at my stomach. 'What's the lovely smell?'

'Lasagne.'

'I make all our pasta now so much nicer, don't you think? James got me a marvellous machine for my birthday, for rolling it out.'

Christ, when was her birthday?

'And thank you for your lovely card.'

Panic over. Something else that's disappeared off my short-term memory radar. I must have sent a card on automatic pilot. Whole days can go by like that now.

'I must give you my recipe before we leave. I've adapted it from the WI one, but it's very easy.'

'Lovely. Let's take our coffee into the living room, shall we? Oh, here's Gran and Reg.'

Hurrah. The cavalry have arrived.

'This lasagne is lovely, pet.'

'Thanks, Gran.'

'Very nice, dear; you're very clever.'

'Thanks, Reg.'

Reg has been stellar with James, letting him show off about the new satellite navigation system in his car and the best route to take for London, not that Reg ever drives to London.

'Do you use nutmeg in your bechamel?'

Oh God, Fiona's off again.

'Sometimes.'

When I remember.

'And do I detect anchovies?'

Archie puts his fork down.

'No, just mince and pancetta. That's just bacon, Archie eat up, love. You'll need lots of energy for swimming later.'

'Mum, do I have to eat all my salad?'

'No, Jack, but don't take so much next time.'

'I thought I liked it, but now I've gone off it.'

'That's fine, love.'

Lottie puts her fork down, looking relieved, as Fiona gives her the evil eye.

'Well, if everyone's finished there's ice cream for pud, and Gran's apple tart. Lottie, would you like to help me clear the table? Bring your plate out first, love.'

I'm sure I can hear a hint of a tut from Fiona.

James passes his plate to me without a word.

'Play much golf, do you, Reginald?'

God he's annoying.

'Shall I make some coffee, pet?'

'Thanks, Gran.'

She winks at me.

'And then Reg thought he'd take the children for a walk to the sweet shop. James, you could go with them I'm sure you'd like a walk.'

Fiona looks horrified. I'm not sure if it's the sweets, or the idea of James going for a walk with the girls without her assistance; I'm guessing he doesn't usually do much with them on his own.

'Leave the mums at home for a rest, that's what I say. I'm sure you agree. Work too hard, don't they?' Reg is smiling at James, who looks unconvinced.

'What? Oh yes, they do.'

'Right you are then, soon as you've finished your ice cream we'll be off. Who wants to come out with us for sweets then?'

Everyone under ten puts their hands up.

We're sitting at the table drinking our coffee, or our decaff tea in my case.

'Are you sure Beth and Lottie don't want to come to Jack's party, Fiona?'

'No, really, we must make a move when they get back. We're buying a pony for Beth, and there's a place that comes highly recommended we'd like to visit on the way home.'

Gran puts her cup down.

'A pony. Fancy. We'll have to think about that for the boys they might like it.'

Oh no we bloody won't. Anything that requires mucking out is definitely not on my list of new hobbies for us to be trying out.

Fiona smiles. Now we're into Horse and Hound territory I think she feels back on safer ground.

'Beth's terribly keen; she adores riding. Although it does take commitment, of course, and it is terribly expensive, but the competitions are such fun.'

'I'm sure. And thanks again for all the presents, Fiona. Jack loves his books.'

'I'm so glad you like them. I know they're a tiny bit old-fashioned but they are classics.'

I've always found Beatrix Potter terribly mimsy and moralistic, actually, in a faintly boring kind of way; a bit like Fiona, now I come to think of it. And not an obvious choice for a boxed set for an eight-year-old boy. God, I'm turning into a complete grumper. I must try to be nicer.

'Is Elizabeth over her cold yet?'

'Oh yes, fully recovered. She won the competition at our Ladies Lunch at the Golf Club this week it was super. I'm sure she'll be our Senior Ladies Captain next year. It's terribly exciting. She'll do such a marvellous job.'

'I'm sure she will. I must remember to congratulate her when we see her at Christmas.'

She puts her cup down and looks anxious.

'Are you thinking of coming over?'

We took a mini Christmas tree to Nick's grave last year. Jack wanted to make sure he knew it was Christmas.

'I haven't talked to the boys yet, but I think they'll probably want to. Why, is there a problem?'

'No, not at all oh dear, this is a tiny bit awkward it's only I think Elizabeth might prefer it if, well, if you didn't visit at the moment.'

'Sorry, Fiona, I'm not sure I understand.'

'I'm sure she wouldn't want to cause any unpleasantness, but I think she feels it might be a tiny bit awkward; it is her church, after all, and ...'

Gran's furious.

'Her church? How can it be her church? For heaven's sake, I've never heard anything so nasty in all my life.'

'People are bound to ask her about the baby, and I think she feels '

'Fiona, why don't you just tell me what she said?'

'It was nothing really; she'd prefer it if only the boys visited by themselves, to avoid any awkward questions, that's all. Just until the New Year. Becoming Captain is such an honour, and I think, well, after that it would be fine, of course, but if you could let her know in advance she can make sure she's got the key. They're having to lock the church now, but there's a rota for the key.'

'Fine. I'll call her later.'

Gran gives me a Look, but Fiona's delighted.

'Oh good, I'm so glad you understand. I do realise you've got a lot on your plate, but I do think '