Ellen doesn't normally do birthday parties, unless they're the private-members-club-with-champagne-and-Michelin-starred-canapes sort, but she couldn't pass up the chance for a bonding moment with Grace, even though I've made her promise not to go into interview mode.

'Go and help Connie she's doing party games. And remember, you promised you'll leave Grace alone.'

'Yes to the first, possibly to the second. She might fancy a quick heart-to-heart.'

'She won't. And Bruno will stick you in a hedge if you push it. And Mr Pallfrey's just finished pruning it. So pretend you're not Britain's Favourite Broadcaster, just for today, yes?'

'Relax, darling. You know me. Subtle charm. Have you got any oranges? I know a great pass-the-orange game for later, great for grown-ups too, especially after a few vodkas.'

Oh God.

I'm in the kitchen trying to fit all the food on to paper plates and hiding the oranges while Elsie takes things into the dining room.

Gran's putting jellies in little shiny gold plastic cups on a tray.

'Aren't these jellies lovely? She sent them, that Grace Morrison, she sent a young man round. Fruit jellies with strawberries, look, and little cakes. Aren't they pretty? I didn't know you could do icing in those colours, and the little gold sweeties look very smart, don't they? Out of the blue when I was here this morning, he arrived with trays and everything, such a nice young man. Lovely manners.'

Elsie's very impressed; in fact she's so overexcited she almost drops a plate of sausages on sticks when the doorbell rings.

It's Grace, with a background of flashing lights, with Lily fast asleep in her car seat, with the hood up so you can't quite see her face. Maxine is holding two huge carrier bags, and so is Bruno. Christ.

'Can we come in?'

'Yes, of course, sorry.'

'Where's the birthday boy then? Oh, how lovely, balloons. I love balloons.' Grace is doing her Megastar Smile, and we're all rather dazzled.

Elsie steps forward.

'Good afternoon, Miss Harrison. Isn't she beautiful? We all saw the pictures in the papers but they didn't do her justice.' Elsie is practically curtseying.

'Thank you.'

'Would you like a sausage?'

'I think maybe we should let Grace get her coat off, Elsie, but if you could put them on the table that would be great.'

'Oh yes, of course, well, just let me know when you want anything, Miss Harrison, and I'll make you up a plate. Anything at all.' She walks backwards towards the door to the dining room, which she misses with a small thud.

Christ.

By the time we've played musical statues, and passed two more parcels and played a lively round of musical chairs to the Batman theme tune, which on balance was probably a mistake, the birthday tea goes very well, with the adults milling about in the kitchen complimenting Mark and Salvatore on the soup.

I think everyone's enjoyed themselves, although I notice that whenever Ellen gets anywhere near Grace, Maxine is somehow standing in between them, in a subtle but effective way, which is quite impressive. Gran gets to cuddle Lily, and Elsie gets an autograph from Grace, which is a tad mortifying, but apart from that everyone behaves as if Grace is just another local mum.

Archie's thrilled with his presents from Grace, which turn out to be a Lego castle, with one for Jack too, and pretty much every kind of knight and horse and extra soldier that they make, with swords and pointy sticks, and enough art supplies to keep us going until he's a teenager. And it's all posh stuff, with thick paper and fabulous colours in little pots that look suspiciously non-washable, so they might be going on to the top shelf of my wardrobe until he's slightly less likely to be wearing them all over his sweatshirt.

He's so excited he even kissed Bruno to say thank you, and he loved his goldfish so much there was a huge debate about what to call them until he finally settled on Nemo and Bruce.

We're all outside in the garden, watching the bonfire, with the doors open to the dining room so people can help themselves to more food. Elsie's finally given up on her mission to get Grace to eat something, and is now bringing plates of food to Bruno, who's very impressed by the way Trevor keeps chasing round the front garden barking at the photographers.

'He could teach Tom and Jerry a thing or two, you know. I might bring them round one day. Nice for them to get to know other dogs.'

Maxine shakes her head.

'They're enough trouble already without picking up new tricks, Bruno. Great party, Jo, but I think we're going to be off soon.'

'Oh, right, well, thank you for coming. And for the presents. He's thrilled.'

'I gathered.' She smiles: she got a sticky thankyou kiss too.

Grace comes towards us, holding Lily, who's starting to get fed up.

'I think we'd better make a move, but I can't wait until I'm doing her first party. Are all these kids from his school?'

'Yes.'

'Is it only boys at his school?'

'No, but he banned girls this year, apart from Nelly.'

She smiles.

'So we'll see you next week. Ready, Bruno?' Bruno stuffs another sausage roll into his mouth.

'Jesus, don't you ever stop eating? Go and get the car.'

We walk back into the house and Maxine gets her mobile out, and stands by the front door as I hand her a Batman party bag and a balloon; God knows what they'll make of a bottle of bubbles, a jelly snake and a packet of Smarties, but I'm thinking Bruno will be pleased.

'There's cake too, if you want a slice for later.'

Grace smiles.

'We're okay, thanks.'

Maxine's phone beeps.

'Bruno's outside.'

'Great.'

There's another round of flashing as she gets into the car, just as Tina arrives to collect Travis, and then I'm in the back garden trying to make sure the sparklers don't lead to any emergency dashes to A & E. Martin's being stalwart with a bucket of water, and Archie's on his third pair of gloves because he keeps plunging them into the bucket to make sure everything is properly extinguished, but Gran and Reg are keeping an eye on him, while Connie ladles out more bowls of fish soup for everyone.

Salvatore is sitting at the table in the kitchen flirting with Elsie and Betty, as parents start arriving to take small people home, thank God. Gran and I put slices of cake into party bags. Mark's really outdone himself on the cake: I was worried the Superhero theme might be tricky, but he's made a circular Batcave, with a Batmobile on top, and black candles and black-and-grey icing over a chocolate sponge, with cherry jam. It's so delicious I've already had two slices, and I'm hoping for a third. Or possibly some more soup, and then more cake. I'm seriously getting into this eating-for-two thing.

Ellen's pouring herself a drink as I go back into the kitchen.

'Great party, darling. This is just the kind of thing I want for my wedding.'

'A Batcake and balloons? I bet Harry will be thrilled.'

'No, but everyone relaxed, nothing too formal. Did I tell you I think we've found the hotel?'

'Great, where? Hang on, Seth. Don't run with that, love you might trip and hurt yourself.'

'It's my stick, for later, I found it in the garden. Can I keep it?'

'Yes, but let's put it over here, until your mum comes, shall we?'

'Ok.'

He runs back out into the garden.

'Sorry, so where's this hotel?'

'Scotland. It's more of a castle, but very postmodern, fabulous spa, and acres of private land so the snappers will be easy to control. Rebecca found it; she's talking rates with them now. They're not open yet, so this will be one of their launch events, which should save us a few quid.'

'Sounds perfect.'

'I always thought wedding planners were crap, but I've got to admit she's turned out to be incredibly useful, although with what she's charging she bloody should be.'

'It'll be handy for Harry's family too.'

'Yes, that's the only drawback. They'll all be belting over from Glasgow, and there's millions of them.'

'I'm sure it'll be fine.'

'So we're still thinking kilts, for the boys.'

'Jack, possibly.'

'I thought I'd try a spot of bribery with Archie?'

'Good luck.'

'I've got a dress fitting next week and she's starting on yours. What size do you think you'll be by June?'

'Huge.'

'Can you be a tiny bit more specific, darling? She really needs to know. There'll be room to spare, though we're going for an empire line.'

'It'll have to be a bloody big empire then.'

She laughs.

'How big did you get with Archie? I can't remember.'

'Enormous. Nick used to call me Big Bertha by the end. Don't you remember?'

'Oh yes, he called you BB for short, didn't he?'

'Yes.'

There's a silence.

'I really wish he was here on days like this.'

'I know, but look on the bright side, darling. At least nobody will be calling you Big Bertha.'

'Or laughing when I get stuck in wicker chairs.'

'That was a kid's chair, though, wasn't it?'

'Not really.'

'I'll tell them to make it extra floaty, and then we can adjust it, if it's too big.'

'Trust me, too big is not going to be an issue.'

'Will Vin and Lulu be back by then?'

'Looks like it. Gran's is only a week before yours, so I'm sure they'll be around.'

'Great, I'll put them on my invitation list.'

'How many are you up to now?'

'Six hundred. And the castle ballroom holds three hundred, max, so we're talking about a marquee.'

'I thought you said you hated marquees.'

'I do. But not as much as I hate the idea of being pressed up against the walls at my own wedding reception by hordes of pissed Glaswegians. It's a fucking nightmare.'

'Mummy, Aunty Ellen said the F-word.' Archie's thrilled.

'Did she? Well, never mind ... where are your gloves?'

'They got wet. And, Mum?'

'Yes?'

'There'll be six people in our family, when the new baby comes, you and me and Jack, and Bruce and Nemo, and the baby, and I'm six too. Gran was telling me. That's very clever, isn't it?'

'Yes, love.'

'And if we had a dog, we'd be seven. Which is even better. Can we do our castles now, Mum? We've done all the sparkers and Martin says he'll help me, so I can beat Jack and get my castle done first. Marco's going to help Jack build his, but I bet me and Martin will beat them.'

'Okay, but hang on a minute there's something Aunty Ellen needs to ask you. About kilts.'