"She was my friend too," he said quietly, his voice loaded with sadness. "She was one of my closest friends and she's gone. And no one told me. I had to read about it in some trade magazine. She was such a big part of our lives, of my life, and then she died." He stopped dabbing at my knee. "Why didn't you tell me?" He stared at me until I looked up at him. "Do you hate me that much?"

"I don't hate you. Nate, I didn't think. It was hard enough getting through every day after she died, and there were lots of things that didn't occur to me. Telling you was one of them. It all happened so suddenly. I know she had a terminal illness, but I didn't think she'd die. She told me she would but I didn't quite believe it. Still don't to some extent."

Nate nodded. "The last thing I ever said to her was that she'd ruined my life. And I'd hate her for it as long as she lived. How's that for not thinking someone would die?" Nate closed his eyes. "After you'd gone, I rang her and asked why she'd told you. She said it was an accident but I didn't listen. I shouted at her. Told her...Told her she was a jealous bitch; that I hated her. That she'd ruined everyone's life." He shook his head, his eyes still closed. "She's the first person I've known who's died. Even my grandparents are still alive. I..." His voice cracked with emotion. I took his hand. His fingers closed around mine and clung to me. "I want you to know it wasn't planned."

I lifted my face to the night sky and the cold wind rushed over my features, the sharpness chilled my skin. "Nate, I don't want to talk about it." His fingers tightened around mine as I lowered my head to him. "I feel sick every time I think about it. When I first moved up here, I used to throw up every time I thought about you and Adele...I still do sometimes. Occasionally I look at Tegan and it'll come to me who she really is, what her existence means, and I have to turn away because I'm so overwhelmed by how she came about. Not her-I love her-the circumstance. It hurts. I don't mean it makes me cry. It doesn't. It actually rips away at me inside...And I can't talk about it. I thought I could, but I can't. So, not now, OK?"

"Why tell me about Tegan, then?"

"Because you deserve to know."

"You could have told me on the phone."

"No, I couldn't. And, there's something else."

"What?"

"I...I need to ask you something. Adele wanted me to adopt Tegan. And I'm trying to. But if the adoptee has one living parent whose whereabouts you know, then the prospective adopter has to get permission. I need you to sign over all rights to being Tegan's parent to me so I can adopt her."

Nate shook his head. "I only just found out that I've got a child and you're asking me to give her up?"

"You don't want kids, you said it yourself not five minutes ago."

"Neither did you but you're doing it."

"I had to. I was always the other person in Tegan's life, you know that. But you don't have to. You can just..."

"No," Nate cut in. "We can't talk about this here. It's cold and we're tired. We need to discuss this properly. And you need to get your knee cleaned up and your ankle strapped up."

"Yeah, shall we see if we can hail a taxi out on the street?"

Nate leaned forward, put his hand on my face and stared straight into my eyes. "Come home with me," he said. "Please."

"Mummy Ryn," Tegan's voice insisted as she tugged at my arm.

I wanted to cry even before I'd opened my eyes. I hadn't slept in so long, and now I was being roused from the depths of a lovely sleep.

"Mummy Ryn," Tegan said again.

"Yeah?" I mumbled.

"Why have you got your clothes on? Did you sleep in them again?"

I groaned. Had I fallen asleep during sex again? That'd be bloody stupid, especially when I hadn't had sex with Nate in years. NATE! My eyes flew open and I found that I wasn't looking at my bedroom window, I was looking at the television and the red beanbag because my body was hunched up on the sofa.

Images of the night before flashed through my mind: Nate cleaning up my knee and tacking on a bandage; his strong fingers massaging my ankle; us drinking tea as we sat side by side, watching television but not talking; him calling me a taxi. I remember, too, he'd tried to get me to stay the night, saying he'd drive me home in the morning when he was less tired, but I'd insisted on going home. For both our sakes. After checking on Tegan when I'd come in, I'd stood in the corridor, unsure whether to climb into bed with Luke or not. It'd wake him up and we'd either talk or make love, neither of which was appealing. I'd ended up curling up on the sofa and falling asleep, using my coat as a blanket.

Luke was at the stove, cooking-from the smell of it-bacon and eggs. There was toast on the go as well. From the way he stood, his tall body rigid, his back perfectly straight, he was avoiding looking at me.

"See, you've got your clothes on," Tegan confirmed.

"Oh, yeah," I said absently.

"Leave Ryn alone," Luke said to Tegan. "She must be knackered. Come sit down, eat your breakfast."

Tegan, who would fly to the moon if Luke asked her to, went skipping over to him and took the plate of food he'd prepared for her.

"Why don't you go to bed for a little while?" Luke said to me as he busied himself putting out eggs and bacon for himself. "I'll bring you a cuppa and some breakfast in an hour." He still wasn't looking at me. I stood up, I had to make this right with him; he had to understand I hadn't been unfaithful.

"Your orangey dress is all creasy up," Tegan commented.

"Yeah, it is," I said, glancing down at the red and orange silk present from Luke. "I'll have to iron it."

"Yes, you will," Tegan admonished.

Luke's eyes dared to stray to me, taking in my crumpled appearance, then flinched with pain when he spotted my tights shoved in my coat pocket. His eyes darted away as though scorched by the thought of why my tights would be in my coat pocket, what it inferred. "Go on, get to bed," Luke ordered. "I'll bring you a bacon sarnie, Tommie K on the bread, not the bacon."

"Thanks," I mumbled. The moment to reassure him had passed. And I might not get another one, he might go on believing I had betrayed him.

"The toast is a T!" Tegan squealed in delight when she saw her plate.

"Yes, it's T for Time to eat your breakfast."

"No!" Tegan giggled. "It's T for Tegan!"

"It might be," Luke laughed back, "but I think it's for Time to eat your breakfast."

He gets on better with her than I do sometimes, I thought as I slunk away to bed.

I woke up again when I was being gently shaken. I opened my eyes and found Luke perched on the edge of the bed. On the bedside table was a mug of tea and a plate with a toasted bacon sandwich. Had I been asleep for only an hour? It felt like days.

"Thought I'd better wake you up before I go," Luke said, avoiding my eyes.

"Go?" I said with a yawn, pushing myself upright.

"Yeah, I've got stuff to do. T's playing in her room, so she's fine. But I thought I'd better tell you before I go because you know how much mischief she can get into."

"What stuff do you have to do?" I asked.

"Just work, back at my flat. I'll see you later." Luke lifted himself off the bed but I reached out, grabbed his arm, held him back.

"What's going on?"

He sat heavily on the bed, finally turned his gaze on me.

"You tell me."

I said nothing, unsure what to say. How much would he want to know? Not all of it, that was for certain. And how would I explain it, anyway? He didn't know the complexities of my relationship with Nate. That Mr. Turner wasn't simply an ex or even The Ex, he was...Nate, as simple and complicated as that.

"Look, Ryn," he said after my long silence, "I'll be honest, I don't know how to handle this. I've never been in this situation before. You know how I feel about you and Tegan, the pair of you have become my life. But he's her real father and there's obviously something going on between the two of you."

"There isn't!" I protested.

"No? Then why won't you make eye contact for more than two seconds? Why didn't you come to bed last night? Why were you walking funny? I'm hoping you didn't fuck him but I wouldn't be surprised if you did because I know you still love him."

"I told you, I don't anymore."

Luke plowed over my correction. "I can't deal with this. It's best I go and we talk about it when I'm less angry." He stopped. "I don't want to do this now. Not when Tegan's around and not when I haven't thought things through."

"OK," I mumbled.

Instead of leaving, he sat stock-still, stared at the door as he asked, "Did you?"

"No," I replied. "I didn't even kiss him, Luke."

"Did you want to sleep with him?" he asked, then braced himself.

Without hesitation, I replied, "No."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I told him about Tegan and we had a row in the street, then I fell over, hurt my legs-that's why I'm limping, not because of some sex marathon. I went back to his place to get cleaned up-that's all, nothing happened. Then I got a taxi home. I didn't come to bed because it was 4 a.m. when I got back and I didn't want to disturb you. That's it. That's all that happened."

"Is he going to sign?"

"I don't know. He was so freaked out by what I told him, he couldn't deal with anything else."

"And you seriously didn't want to sleep with him?"

"Seriously."

"OK. OK. Move over," he said, and lay down beside me. I wrapped my arms around him, snuggled up against his solid body, resting my face against his back. I closed my eyes and let myself drift away into sleep.

I'd been telling him the truth. I didn't want to sleep with Nate. Not in the slightest. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to make love to him. And afterward, I wanted to go back to watching him as he floated in dreamland, but at no point did I actually want to sleep with him.

I couldn't tell Luke that. Luke wouldn't understand that last night was like stepping into a memory, stepping back into an old Kamryn suit that I'd never been given the chance to grow out of. The events surrounding Adele's confession had wrenched me out of a life and personality that I'd liked. Loved, even. Everything I felt for Nate last night had been about that. Had been about a time when I was with a man I adored absolutely, when I knew what it was like to be unequivocally desired and cared for by someone. It was also about being with someone who reminded me of a time when my best friend was alive and my Tiga was unmarked by abuse and bereavement. Wanting Nate last night had nothing to do with longing for another man at Luke's expense; it was about wanting another me at this me's expense, wanting another time and being willing to sacrifice this time to get it.

Luke wouldn't understand that. I wouldn't if he tried to tell me the same thing about his ex-fiancee, Nicole. I'd see it as betrayal no matter how honest he was being. And anyway, I wasn't going to see Nate again-I was going to send him the papers and that would be it. So it didn't matter what I'd felt last night, now was the important thing.

chapter 33.

Rat-a-tat-tat!

I glanced at the front door to my flat, wondering who was knocking. Luke, who was out with Tegan, had a key, and Betsy, my office partner, never visited me at home anymore for fear of encountering Tegan-small children were not her thing. And there ended the list of people who would drop by without calling first.

I slipped on the thick security chain I'd had fitted since my flat became Tegan's home too, cautiously opened the door and peeked out.

Nate.

I hadn't heard from him nor seen him in the week since our dinner, I'd simply told myself I'd send him the papers another day. Another day hadn't dawned yet. I slammed the door and with trembling hands undid the security chain, then opened the door again. "What are you doing here?" I asked, the shaking of my hands also present in my voice.

"I wanted to see you."

"You can't just turn up unannounced like this."

"I can because I have," he replied.

"How did you know where I live?"

"I heard when you gave the taxi driver your address." He tapped his temple. "Mind like a steel trap."

"What do you want?" Hostility and fear tainted my voice. This was not going to end well. Luke was gagging for a reason to kick seven types of hell out of Nate. And Nate, the jealous man I'd dated for six years, would probably welcome the chance to batter the man I was sleeping with.

"Like I said, to see you. And to see Tegan."

My body contracted in terror. "What? Why?"

"She's...Look, do we have to do this on the doorstep?"

"No, no." I stepped aside to let him in and indicated straight ahead to the living room/kitchen.

Nate, dressed in blue jeans and a black polo sweater, didn't sit, he surveyed my living area, taking in the bookcase, the cream sofa that had been scuffed a multitude of colors over the past few months, the big red beanbag that lived beside the television, the red rug that ended where the small dining table sat, marking the kitchen area from the living space. He looked on, to white kitchen cabinets, topped with wood-effect worktops, which were covered in breakfast and lunch things that I was going to be washing up the second I could peel my tired body off the sofa.

"Where is she?" Nate shortened the distance between us so I had to look up his six-foot-two frame to his face.

"She's...Luke's taken her to the park to feed the ducks or rather she's taken Luke-she decided last night that the ducks were going to starve without her intervention, and wouldn't stop going on about it until we agreed to take her, after her karate class. Luke volunteered to get out of the washing up."

My ex-fiance's face twisted with resentment. "Take her out a lot, does he?" he snarled. I'd never heard that low, accusing vicious tone to his voice, it scared me slightly. "Quite the family man, isn't he?"

"Nate, stop it, please." I touched his arm. "This isn't you."

His whole body relaxed with a deep exhalation. "No, no it's not, is it?" He shook his head. "I'm all over the place right now, most of the time I don't know what I'm doing or feeling." He moved back from me, parked himself on the sofa. I sat beside him.

"What are you doing here?" I asked again.

"I wasn't lying, I want to see Tegan."

The panic rose again. "But why?"

"No matter how she came about, she's my daughter. I have to accept responsibility for her."