SOUL-O.

DEBBIE d.i.c.kERSON.

This book is dedicated to everybody that has or is willing to go the distance for true love.

A Life filled With Grat.i.tude is a Full Life.

I'd like to thank my husband, Billy d.i.c.kerson for going the distance with me and loving me, even on those rare occasions when I wasn't very lovable. I love you now and I'll love you forever!

Thank you, Jason and Jacob, for being the best children a Mom could ever ask for. The laughter, love, and humor you both bring into my world is the best!

My sister, cheerleader, and best friend, Michele Sues...If you weren't my sister, you'd be my Tanner! I love you so much!

Thank you to my amazing family for always supporting me, even when it meant moving to another state. Y'all are my backbone and I love you so much.

Thank you to my Sister-in-law, Kellie for the t.i.tle suggestion!

A huge thank you goes to Melinda Donahew and Casey Donahew Band for allowing me to use their song lyrics for, No Doubt. I don't fangirl much, but I totally fangirl over y'all!.

Thank you to my editor, Indie Editing Services (Terrie Meerschaert)!

Thank you to Dark Water Covers for creating an amazing cover!.

A gigantic thank you to the amazingly unique Indie book world, without y'all, this wouldn't be possible!.

Special thank you to:.

Double D's Supporters (My Street Team).

Ana Rita Clemente.

Pepper Lynn.

Annelise Reynolds.

Amy Jones.

Lisa Renfrow.

So many more, but that's just to name a few!.

Chapter 1.

'Silence is a deafening sound.'

Tanner .

Thunderously deep ba.s.s heartbeats are echoing in my head, deafening the rest of the world outside. I am numb. Pacing back and forth, the walls of this disgusting hotel room close in on me. Those morons left the room hours ago, and Jennifer is probably halfway across the world by now, but I am terrified to open the door. The image of Lyrics looking at whatever Jennifer sent her is too much to process. I shake the thoughts out of my head but they keep coming back. How could I ever look in her eyes again? By now, she's probably seen everything.

With hesitation, I walk into the bathroom and avoid making eye contact with the mirror. The cold water I splash on my face stings as a steady flow of crimson red swirls down the drain. My eyes catch the mirror and with horror, I don't even recognize the person staring back at me. Swollen jaw, nose broken, and eyes that are hollow. Black. Dead. The word rape stalls in my head. Everything stops spinning as the words form in my mind. I was raped. Rage bubbles up inside of me; a feeling of hate that I have never felt before. Who's going to believe Jennifer did this? I look around and want to destroy this entire room. If I had a lighter, I'd light this mother f.u.c.ker up. I don't know what to do, I'm sure the police will laugh me out of the station if I tell them Jennifer Temple raped me. I'll be considered crazy or a liar. f.u.c.k me anyway, I can't even make a call; those two idiots trashed my phone. I gotta get out of here now.

Cautiously, I slowly open the door and peek outside to make sure that I'm not going to get blindsided with a fist to my face. The coast is clear so I get the h.e.l.l out of there quickly. My mouth is so dry and I have no phone to call anybody. Reluctantly I enter the lobby to grab a bottle of water and the young girl behind the desk gasps loudly. By the expression on her face, I now know how bad it really is. I make half an effort to smile, at least enough for her to approach me.

"Are you okay? What happened to you?" She asks with great concern. All I can do is wave my hand in the universal sign that says I'm fine, which of course is complete bulls.h.i.t. As the water slides down my throat, the metallic taste of blood makes me want to throw up. I force down the swallow and ask the lady if I could use her phone. She quickly places it on the desk and turns it to me. She says, "If you'd like to call the police, dial 000." I shake my head no.

I ask her, "Would you happen to know the number to the Pullman Quay?"

"The Grand Sydney Harbor one?"

I shrug my shoulders and say, "Probably." She rapidly types on her computer and dials the number for me. The operator answers and my mind literally goes blank. What the f.u.c.k is Chip's last name?

The lady on the other end of the phone says, "h.e.l.lo, h.e.l.lo?"

"This is Tanner Staff, I have a room there. Would you connect me to Chip's room?"

She laughs and says, "Good morning, Mr. Staff. I've seen you on the news a lot this morning. How is Ms. Temple?"

My heart stops and my mouth instantly became dry again. The only words that come out are, "Please connect me with Chip."

I hear her fingers going and she says, "One moment please. Do you know his last name?" I grunt no. Thousands of thoughts run through my head but not one makes any sense. The lady says cheerfully, "Got it, I'll connect you right away."

"Thank you, ma'am."

Jennifer really sent the pictures to the press. What did that b.i.t.c.h do? The phone rings and rings. I hang up and ask this nice lady if she would call a taxi for me. She places her hand on mine and says, "Mr. Staff, I will have our driver take you wherever you want to go." I look at her and she's looking at me with absolute pity, which sickens me.

"Thank you, that'd be great."

I check my wallet and everything is there, except for the cash I had. Guess those morons must have helped themselves. The driver is quiet and just asks where I want to go. I tell him the hotel name and he rolls the window back up. When the driver pulls up to the hotel, I explain to him that I don't have any cash to tip him and he waves his hand at me, letting me know it's okay. The minute I step into the lobby, flashes from cameras blind me. f.u.c.k! Reporters are yelling questions at me.

"How long have you been seeing Jennifer Temple? When is the wedding? Is it true she is pregnant?" I want to tell them that she is a f.u.c.king rapist but I know it is not the time. h.e.l.l, I don't know if it'll ever be the right time. I barrel past them and make my way to the elevator.

I yell to the Manager when I pa.s.s her, "Can you get these f.u.c.king monkeys under control, please?" She immediately begins to escort them out. Still, they yell questions at me.

The elevator doors can't close fast enough. The higher I go, the voices begin to fade away. Once again, the sound of my heartbeat echoes in my head. Making my way down the hall, it feels like ages since I was last here. I slide the keycard into my door and quickly step inside, just in time for my tears to begin stinging the back of my eyes. I thought I was going to die last night. Guess I did die in a way, at least a part of me did. I know I need to call Lyrics but I can't bring myself to pick up the phone and dial her. I feel dirty and disgusting. The need to wash this poison off my body requires immediate attention. As I take my clothes off, the smell of Jennifer lingering on my body is more than I can stand. Bile slides up my throat and, finally, I throw up. With each wretch, I vow to kill that s.k.a.n.ky b.i.t.c.h.

I can't wash her off quickly enough. The water is burning hot as I stand stagnant, allowing it to run down my body like a baptism of sorts. I wash myself so vigorously that my skin begins to burn. This whole thing seems surreal, but it happened...it really happened.

Attempting to brush my teeth, but I can't open my jaw without excruciating pain shooting up my face. I take a swig of the mouth wash instead and spit it out as fast as possible because it burns like h.e.l.l. As I slowly glance at myself in the mirror, I'm able to see clearly the break on my nose bone. Black and blue bruising is forming around my swollen eyes. My jaw is swollen but doesn't appear to have broken, even though I swear I heard it crack. I finish up and put on the s.h.i.tty pastel Gap clothes that are hanging in this hotel closet. Really wish I'd brought some other clothes with me. The last thing I want to wear is these cheesy f.u.c.king happy-colored clothes.

I'm sure Chip is freaking out by now. I flip open my computer to find his number and make the mistake of looking on the news channels. "The happy couple," read one headline with a picture of Jennifer kissing me. "Jennifer Temple arrives in England. Will her new man be with her?" My heart is pounding. The picture of her smiling is boiling my blood. Now I know she's in England. I find Chip's cell number and call him from the room phone. He answers on the second ring.

"Tanner? Is that you, Tanner?"

I get stuck on my words and say, "It's me."

"Are you okay? We are at the police station but leaving right now to come to the hotel. Stay there."

Before I could even respond, he hangs up. We? Who the f.u.c.k is we? I hold the phone in my hand for a few minutes and still cannot find the courage to call Lyrics. What must she think? If she saw those pictures, I don't know how she'll ever be able to look at me the same. I didn't think women raping men actually happened. h.e.l.l, I've never even gave it two thoughts. The feelings of shame and stupidity consume me. How did Jennifer know I would accept one last beer with her? She planned this whole f.u.c.king thing out, down to the two goons. I slam the phone against the base repeatedly until the receiver shatters, spraying plastic all over the room. I grab the little lamp next to it and watch as it shatters against the wall. Tears fill my eyes as I realize that she ruined my life. She won.

Chapter 2.

'Words are not needed; I can hear your silence loud and clear.'

Lyrics .

Driving from the police station to the hotel seems like it's taking forever. Chip, Mom, and I are in the backseat and no words are spoken, just the sound of anxious deep breathing. Tears sting my eyes and I'm fighting like h.e.l.l to keep them from falling out. Mom holds my hand and gently gives a squeeze every few seconds.

Chip breaks the silence by saying, "At least we know he's alive." His words should have, but didn't bring any comfort to me. I need to see him.

Before the car comes to a complete stop, I fling the door open and hop out. Mom and Chip follow immediately. We get in the elevator and Chip hits the b.u.t.ton to the floor. As soon as the door partially opens, we follow Chip as he runs to Tanner's room.

Chip knocks and says, "Tanner, open the door." I hear footsteps and the door opens. My heart leaps out of my chest. Tanner is clearly shocked to see Mom and I here. His face is badly swollen and his eyes have so much sadness in them. The tears stream down my face uncontrollably and I am aware of the fact that I cannot stop them. As I reach forward to hug him, he flinches.

Mom says, "Oh honey, what the h.e.l.l happened? Who did this to you?"

Tanner places his hands alongside my arms and looks down at the ground. His whole body is trembling and he asks, "What did she send you?" I want to barf. My lip begins to quiver so bad that it's hard to speak.

Mom puts her hand on Tanner's face and says, "Honey, she sent her everything."

Tanner pulls away from me and slams his fist into the wall then yells, "f.u.c.k! G.o.d dammit, I'm gonna f.u.c.king kill her!"

I grab his hand and say, "Tan, please look at me." He refuses to look me in the eyes as tears seep out of his.

I say, "I know it wasn't you, I could tell something was wrong. What did she do? Who hit you?"

Chip chimes in with, "I think you need to go to the hospital. Your nose needs to be set." Tanner looks at him and just shrugs.

I beg him with a trembling voice, "Babe, please tell us what happened."

Tanner begins to pace while avoiding any eye contact with me.

Mom says, "Tanner, sit down and tell me what happened. You are my son. I need to know right now." In the seventeen years I've known Tanner, he has never disrespected his mom. He sits down on the chair and slowly begins to tell us. His eyes are filled with tears and rage. With every word he speaks, my stomach grows more and more knotted. As he continues, flashes like a movie reel spin in my head, one frame at a time. The thought of my best friend, my fiance being drugged and raped is making me dizzy. Knowing that he had to be conscious and watch it all, but unable to defend himself, is killing me. I jump up and run to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before I throw up. I fall to the floor, fold over, and am unable to control the shaking that has taken over my body. Why did I make him go? I should have begged him to stay with me! He wanted to come home with me after Germany and I convinced him to stay. I thought he'd be fine. It wasn't fine! He was in h.e.l.l for months with this evil f.u.c.king b.i.t.c.h. The loud knocks on the door jar me out of my melt down.

Mom is yelling, "Dylan, open this door. Honey, please open the door." I slowly get up and splash cold water on my face. Slowly I open the door and Mom walks in and embraces me in a way that makes my legs give out. I should be hugging and comforting her; he is her son. She is the strongest woman I've ever known. I swear she's unbreakable. As she gently strokes my hair behind my ears, she says, "Baby, he's okay. He is right there, look at him." I step out of the bathroom and the man that has been my everything, my rock, is sitting on the chair and looking broken. It breaks my heart to see him hurting ever, but I've never seen him like this before.

I walk up to him and kneel. It takes a moment to catch his stare and when I finally do, nothing comes out of my mouth. He reaches his hand to my cheek and gently rubs his finger up and down. The feeling of burning from the salty tears that have drowned my eyes is overwhelming.

As a tear escapes his eye, he whispers, "I'm so sorry. I promised I'd never hurt you, and I hurt you worse than imaginable. I don't know what you saw, but I swear, I would have never done any of it."

The lump in my throat and the visions in my head make it impossible to respond immediately. I try to erase the visuals in my mind. When I look into his creamy brown eyes, I see my Tanner.

Anger overcomes me and I yell, "You think I'm mad at you? Tanner, you are and have always been my everything. Yes, I saw the f.u.c.king pictures and video. If Tyler wasn't there when it was delivered, G.o.d only knows what I'd have done. How dare you think for one second that I blame you. I f.u.c.king love you, and to sit here and see you like this is breaking my G.o.dd.a.m.n heart. Don't ever apologize for this, ever! If Jennifer thought I was a redneck before, she has another thing coming. She'll see how redneck I can be. We will find her and the two pieces of s.h.i.t that were part of this, and they will pay for what they've done. They will pay gravely."

Mom comes up to us and says, "It'll be okay. We will get through this." Her words always make things seem better.

Chip has tears streaming down his face as he quietly says, "I'm so sorry. I never should have left you there. Man, I am so sorry."

Tanner says, "It isn't your fault. I was just trying to get back to the room and knew if I didn't have a beer with her, she would have made a big scene. Guess I chose wrong."

I ask Tanner, "Do you remember what the two guys look like?" He nods his head yes. I sit down next to him and say, "We need to go to the hospital to get your face looked at and then you need to file a report with the police. I know you don't want to go through all this but she needs to pay for this."

Chip says with blackness in his eyes, "She'll pay, honey, she will pay."

We gather up our things as Chip arranges for a car. Tanner makes it clear that he doesn't want to go to the hospital and he sure doesn't want to go to the police, but between Mom and I, he knows that's exactly where we are going.

He takes a deep breath and I link my hand to his and ask, "You okay?"

He forces a half smile and says, "My Lyrics is here, I'm fine now." For the first time in two days a real smile forms on my face.

Chapter 3.

'I feel myself running but don't know where I'm going.'

Tanner Sitting in the emergency room waiting to see the doctor and I'm getting f.u.c.king irritated. Here I am in Australia and all I want to do is get back to Texas. Right when I stand up to walk out, they call my name. Not only do I stand up, but my Mom and Lyrics stand up as well. Guess we are all going in.

Chip says, "I'll wait out here."

I smile and say, "Thanks man."

A young male doctor steps in the room and says, "Ay mate, looks like you got your a.s.s kicked didn't ya? Let's see what we got going on here." Without touching me, he says, "Nose is broken but looks easy enough to fix. Can you open and close your mouth?" I squint in pain as I open and close my mouth and he says, "Good news, your jaw is not broken. Bad news, you're going to be in a wallop of pain for a while."

Lyrics asks the doctor, "What do you have to do to fix his nose?"

He looks at her and says, "First we need to x-ray him, but looks like it'll be a simple snap back into place and tape it down. Generally, it'll take a few weeks to heal and set. He will need to be very careful not to damage it more." The doctor turns to me and asks, "What really happened to you?" f.u.c.k! I really don't want to go over this again.