[Ill.u.s.tration: A STORY WITHOUT WORDS]

THE CASE FOR THE DEFENCE.--_Mother._ Oh, d.i.c.ky, what terrible things you do keep in your pockets! Fancy, a dead crab!

_d.i.c.ky._ Well, mother, it wasn't dead when I put it there!

HAPPY THOUGHT.--"Why, my boy, you've spelt window without an _N_! Don't you know the difference between a _window_ and a _widow_?"

"Yes, sir. You can see through _one_--and--and--you can't see through the _other_, sir!"

THE YOUNG IDEA AGAIN.--(SCENE--_Fourth-standard room of an elementary school. Children reading._) _Inspector_ (_to the Teacher_). What are they reading about?

_Teacher._ American Indians.

_Inspector._ I will ask them a few questions. (_To children._) What is a Red Indian's wife called? (_Many hands up_). Tell me.

_Scholar._ A squaw, sir.

_Inspector._ What is a Red Indian's baby called? (_Silence. At last a boy volunteers._) Well, my boy?

_Boy._ Please, sir, a squaker!

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CAUTION TO LITTLE BOYS AT THIS FESTIVE SEASON

_Mamma._ "Why, my dearest Albert, what are you crying for?--so good, too, as you have been all day!"

_Spoiled Little Boy._ "Boo-hoo! I've eaten so--m-much be-eef and t-turkey, that I can't eat any p-p-plum p-p-pudding!"

[_Oh, what a very greedy little fellow._]

A MODERN PARIS.--_Schoolmaster._ Now, boys, supposing that the G.o.ddesses Diana, Venus, and Juno were to appear before you, what would you do with this apple?

_Brown Minimus._ Please sir, I'd eat it before they asked for it?

A POINT UNSETTLED IN HISTORY.--_Lucy_ (_to her elder sister who has just been relating a thrilling episode in the life of William Tell_). And was the little boy allowed to _eat_ the apple afterwards?

MASTER TOMMY'S RECEIPTS.--(_Household ginger beer._)--Empty the kitchen spice-box, two pounds of washing soda, a pint of petroleum, and all the wine left in the dining-room decanters over night, into the cistern, and stir freely in the dark with a mop from the staircase window. When the water comes in in the morning, the whole household will be supplied from every tap for four-and-twenty hours with capital ginger beer.

IN DISTRESS.--Mummy! Mummy! Come back! I'm frightened. Here's a horrid dog _staring at me with his teeth_.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Child_ (_in berth of night steamer_). "Mummy, I'm so sleepy. I want to go to bed." _Mother._ "But you _are_ in bed dear."

_Child._ "No, I'm not. I'm in a chest of drawers!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FORCE OF EXAMPLE.--(_This is the second time that Madge has p.r.i.c.ked her finger--the first time it bled so much that mamma felt quite faint, and had to drink a gla.s.s of sherry; now it's Jack's turn_). _Mamma._ "Well, what's the matter with _you_, Jack?" _Jack._ "Oh! I feel rather _faint_, that's all. _Is there such a thing as a bun in the house?_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FESTIVE SEASON.--_Tommy_ (_criticising the menu of the coming feast_). "Very good! Tray bong! And look here, old man! Mind you put plenty of rum into the _baba_--Dolly and Molly like it, you know--and so do I!" _Monsieur Cordonbleu_ (_retained for the occasion_).

"Certainement, mon p't.i.t ami! But are you and ces demoiselles going to dine viz de compagnie?" _Tommy._ "Oh nong! But just ain't we going to sit on the stairs outside, that's all!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AT THE ZOO.--_Little Girl_ (_after seeing many queer beasts_). "But there aren't _really_ such animals, nurse, are there?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY.--_Uncle George._ "Don't over-eat yourself, Jimmy, my boy. I never did when I was your age." _Jimmy_ (_sotto voce_). "When did you begin, then?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN EARLY PURITAN

_Bobby_ (_who sees his mamma in evening dress for the first time, and doesn't like it_). "I'll write and tell papa!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Gertie._ "Oh, Mr. Brown, papa says that Mrs. Brown leads you by the nose. Is that why it's so long?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AT A CHRISTMAS JUVENILE PARTY.--_Aunt Florence._ "I will find you a partner, Ethel, dear. Between ourselves, now, have you any choice?" _Miss Ethel._ "Well, auntie, I should prefer one with a _moustache_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CRY FROM THE HEART.--_Little Dunce_ (_looking up suddenly from her history book_). "Oh, mummy, darling, I _do_ so wish I'd lived under James the Second!" _Mamma._ "Why?" _Little Dunce._ "Because I see here that education was very much neglected in his reign!"]