_Host._ "Can you say, 'The scenery's truly rural 'bout here?'"

_Guest._ "Sc-scenery tooralooral."

_Host._ "All right, come along!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HE KNEW THE CUISINE.--_Hungry Diner_ (_scanning the menu_). "Look here, waiter, I'm starving. I think I'll have a little of everything!"

_Waiter._ "Yessir. (_Bawls off._) 'Ash one!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]

AFTER-DINNER SPEECHES

"When the wine is in, the wit is out;"

Only to dolts the adage reaches.

No wise man could for a moment doubt The value of after-dinner speeches.

_Punch_ can remember the time when Peel, Whose wisdom still the country teaches, After steak and port, his nine o'clock meal, Made the best of after-dinner speeches.

When the Ministers come to the Mansion House, (The King of London their presence beseeches,) No guest who has any touch of _nous_ Will be weary of after-dinner speeches.

When the Royal Academy blooms in May, With its pretty girls and their cheeks like peaches Who won't, on the opening Sat.u.r.day, Listen to after-dinner speeches?

When there's ought that's generous to be done, A greeting to pay that no soul impeaches, A dinner's the best thing under the sun, And its gold coin the after-dinner speeches.

And as to the House, which often suffers From talk that to dreariest plat.i.tude reaches, It does not often allow its duffers To make long after-dinner speeches.

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE--CHOP-HOUSE

_Enter Street Boy, and, with suppressed ecstasy._ "Oh, please, there's your cat and kittens having such a game with the things in the winder!"]

AT THE CRIC-CRAC RESTAURANT

_Customer_ (_looking at bill_). Here, waiter, there's surely some mistake in this total.

_Waiter_ (_politely_). Zehn thousand pardons, sir! Mit my usual carelessness I have added in ze date and vorgot to charge you for ze b.u.t.ter.

AN OVERSIGHT!

_Swell._ Waiter! This--ah--chop's vewy dwy!

_Waiter._ 'Ndeed, sir? Perhaps if you were to order something to drink with it, sir----

[Ill.u.s.tration: A REBUKE

_Host._ "Fish is very expensive, just now, I can tell you. This salmon cost me two and sixpence a pound!"

_Guest_ (_no business of his_). "Ah, it's very good, I think I'll take another eighteen penn'orth!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CAUTION

_The Major._ "Don't you like liqueurs, Mrs. Jinks?"

_Mrs. Jinks._ "Yes; but they make one so _unreserved_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A BORN ORATOR (IN THE EAST)