[Ill.u.s.tration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS.--_Jack_ (_singing at the top of his voice_)--"There's only _one_ girl in the world for me!"--_Popular Song._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: [According to the _Daily Telegraph_ zebra mules have been introduced into India by the Remount Department for military purposes.

Would not their introduction--as above--into Whitehall lend a new and even more quaintly picturesque touch of grandeur to the scene?

MR. BROWN AT BREAKFAST

ON THE ARMY.

Astonishing lot of nonsense the _Daily Wire_ prints about military affairs ... no, I do _not_ waste my time reading it. Any intelligent citizen, Mary, is bound to take an interest in things of this sort. And our army is rotten, madam--rotten to the core.... What? That reminds you, shall Tomkins be told to pick the apples? As you please--I'm not talking about apples. Just consider these manoeuvres, and the plain common-sense lessons they teach you. First of all, a force lands in England without opposition. There's a pretty state of things!... No, I didn't say they _had_ interfered with us--but just think of the disgrace! Not one general, madam, not one single general capable of defending this unhappy country. And yet it is to support these expensive frauds that I have to pay taxes!... Well, if he calls again, tell him that I will attend to the matter. There's the rent and rates to be seen to first, and goodness knows, with your housekeeping and Ethel's dress bills--but I was talking about the army.

Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in horse-ponds--there's a life for you.... What do you know _about_ it, Miss Ethel?... Captain Ponsonby told you? You can tell _him_ something then. Tell him that Britons of common-sense--like myself--don't mean to stand the present way of going on much longer. Drastic changes.... No, I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are absolutely necessary.

First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of English-man, and the fruit.... I told you once about those apples, I do wish you wouldn't interrupt.... If they are not picked to-day they'll have to wait for three weeks? Why? Tomkins can pick them next time he comes. As I was saying, the militia system must be developed, and--eh?

Tomkins won't be here for three weeks? Got to go into camp for his training? Well, I call it perfectly disgraceful! Here I pay a man high wages to attend to my garden once a week, and then this miserable system takes him away, at the most inconvenient time, to play at soldiers!...

If I have time to-night, Mary, I shall write a strongish letter to the _Daily Wire_ on the subject.

SCENE--_Barrack Square, after inspection of arms, at which the Company's Commander has been examining his men's rifle-bores with the aid of the little reflector which is commonly dropped into the breach for this purpose._

_Private Atkins_ (_who has been checked for a dirty rifle_). 'Ere, it's all bally fine! The orficer 'e comes an' looks down the barrel with a bloomin' mikeroscope, and the privit soljer 'e 'as to clean 'is rifle with 'is naked heye!

MOTTO FOR A BAZAAR IN AID OF MILITARY FUNDS.--"Oh, the wild charge they made!"

[Ill.u.s.tration:

The ill.u.s.trated papers oft with satisfaction grunt, When they print a pleasing portrait of "our artist at the front."

Now here we have a picture of a sort we seem to lack.

Which is to say, a portrait of "Our artist at the back".]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUR RESERVES.--_A.-D.-C_. "What the deuce are you men doing here right in the line of fire? Clear out at once! They're firing ball cartridge, not blank."

_Unmoved Private_ (_who has found an excellent place from which to view the attack practice_). "Ther' now. We was just a-zaying as we thought 'twas bullets by the zound of 'em!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: UNRECORDED HISTORY.--A review of the Royal (Sub)marines near the Goodwin Sands. (_You could hardly "tell the Marines" in their new sub-aqueous uniform._)]

DISTRIBUTION OF NAVAL MEDALS

We are happy to announce that the Lords of the Admiralty have issued an order for the distribution of medals to the officers and seamen who served in the naval actions hereunder specified. We understand the medals are of gold, set round with diamonds of the most costly description. Great caution will be used in the distribution, to prevent fraud in personating deceased officers, &c.

A.D. 876. King Alfred's engagement with and destruction of the Danish fleet.

--1350. Great sea-fight between the English and the combined fleets of France and Spain.

--1588. Destruction of the Spanish Armada.

--1702. Admiral Benbow's engagement with the French.

--1761. Siege and capture of Belleisle.

N.B. No officer or seaman will be ent.i.tled to a medal in respect of the last-mentioned siege, unless he can satisfy their lordships that he was "there all the while."

[Ill.u.s.tration: RATHER SEVERE.

_Regular_ (_manoeuvring with Yeomanry_). "Got to give up my arms, have I? Umph! This comes of going out with a lot of darned Volunteers."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: YEOMANRY MANOEUVRES. (FIRST DAY IN CAMP.)--_Officer._ "What's all this? What are you doing with that cask?"

_Trooper._ "Tent equipment, sir!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUR REVIEW.--The colonel is wondering what manoeuvre he ought to execute in the circ.u.mstances.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MANOEUVRES.--_Lieutenant n.o.bs_ (_just arrived_). "How long will you take to drive me to the fort, Cabby?"

_Cabby._ "Ten minutes, Capting, by the shortcut through the halleys. But the military allus goes the long way round, through the fashionable part o' the town, yer honour, which takes an hour."

[_Cabby gets his hour._