[_But the other didn't laugh. He intended making that witticism himself._

[Ill.u.s.tration: SCENE ON BOARD H.M.S.----

"I say, why am I like the Queen's chief cook? Do you give it up?"

"Yes."

"Because I am in a high cool-and-airy (_culinary_) position."

[_Astonished cadet nearly falls from the yard_.

You young monkey, how dare you joke up in the air like that? However, we look over it this time.--_Punch_]

[Ill.u.s.tration: An economical mode of putting troops into white trowsers.]

REGULATIONS FOR YEOMANRY OUTPOSTS

(_Aldershot Edition_)

1. Never recognise your enemy when you meet him on the road, in case you might be compelled to take him prisoner and so cause unpleasantness and unseemly disturbance.

2. Advanced guards should walk quietly and without ostentation into the enemy's main body, and be careful never to look behind bushes, trees, or buildings for an un.o.btrusive cyclist patrol. To do so might cause the enemy annoyance.

3. An advance guard, if surrounded, will surrender without noise or alarm. To make any would disturb the main body, who like to march in a compact and regular formation.

4. Never allow your common-sense to overcome your natural modesty so far as to induce you to report to a superior officer the presence of the enemy in force. You will only acquire a reputation for officiousness by doing so.

5. Always attack an enemy in front. It is unsportsmanlike and unprofessional to attack the flanks.

6. When retiring before an attack maintain as close a formation as the ground will admit of, and retire directly upon the main infantry support. You will thus expose yourselves to the fire of both your own friends and the enemy, and as blank cartridge hurts n.o.body it will add to the excitement of the operation.

7. It is more important to roll your cloaks and burnish your bits than to worry about unimportant details of minor tactics.

8. Since a solitary horseman never attracts the enemy's attention, be careful to take up a position in compact formation; to do so by files might escape observation.

9. When being charged by the enemy, go fours about and gallop for all you are worth; it is just as agreeable to be prodded in the back as in the chest, and gives the enemy more satisfaction. To extend, or work to the flanks, might deprive your enemy of useful experience.

10. Never cast your eyes to the direction from which the enemy is not expected, as that is the usual direction of his real attack, and it is not polite to spoil the arrangement of your friend the enemy.

11. Lastly, remember that the best motto for Yeomanry Troopers is "Point de Zele."

OUR RIFLE VOLUNTEERS

_A Peace Song_ (1859)

(_Composed and volunteered by Mr. Punch_)

Some talk of an invasion As a thing whereat to sneeze, And say we have no occasion To guard our sh.o.r.es and seas: Now, _Punch_ is no alarmist, Nor is moved by idle fears, But he sees no harm that we all should arm As Rifle Volunteers!

Let sudden foes a.s.sail us, 'Tis well we be prepared; Our Fleet--who knows?--may fail us, Nor serve our sh.o.r.es to guard.

For self-defence, then, purely, Good reason there appears, To have, on land, a force at hand Of Rifle Volunteers!

To show no wish for fighting, Our forces we'd increase; But 'tis our foes by frighting We best may keep at peace, For who will dare molest us When, to buzz about their ears, All along our coast there swarms a host Of Rifle Volunteers!

Abroad ill winds are blowing, Abroad war's vermin swarm; What _may_ hap there's no knowing, We may not 'scape the storm.

Athirst for blood, the Eagles May draw our dove's nest near; But we'll scare away all birds of prey With our Rifle Volunteers!

No menace we're intending, Offence to none we mean, We arm but for defending Our country and our Queen!

To British hearts 'tis loyalty 'Tis love her name endears: Up! then, and form! shield her from harm Ye Rifle Volunteers!

[Ill.u.s.tration: The above is _not_ a war picture. It merely represents an incident in the too realistic scouting manoeuvres of the Blankshire Yeomanry. Poor Mr. and Mrs. Timmins thought at least the country had been invaded.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _De Voeux._ "My grandfather, you know, lived till he was ninety-eight."

_Trevor Carthew._ "Well, my grandmother died at the age of ninety-seven."

_Brown._ "In _my_ family there are several who are not dead yet!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: DIGNITY IN DISTRESS.

_Small Boys_ (_to Volunteer Major in temporary command_). "I say, guv'nor--hi! Just wipe the blood off that 'ere sword!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: FORE AND----

_Sergeant._ "Back a little, number five!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration:----AFT!

_Sergeant._ "Up a little, number five!"]