THE SUSPENSORY ACT.--Hanging the Academy exhibition.

IN THE BILLIARD ROOM.--_Major Carambole._ I never give any bribes to the club servants on principle.

_Captain Hazard._ Then I suppose the marker looks on the tip of your cue without interest.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: IN A BAR, NEWMARKET.--_Seedy Individual_ (_to Knowing One_). "D'yer want to buy a diamond pin cheap?"

_Knowing One._ "'Ere, get out of this! What d'you take me for? A juggins?"

_S. I._ "Give yer my word it's worth sixty quid if it's worth a penny.

And you can 'ave it for a tenner."

_K. O._ "Let's 'ave a look at it. Where is it?"

_S. I._ "In that old gent's tie. _Will yer 'ave it?_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS

"Yew harxed me woy hoi larved when larve should be A thing hun-der-eamed hof larve twixt yew han me.

Yew moight hin-tereat the sun tew cease tew she-oine Has seek tew sty saw deep a larve has moine."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SHAKSPEARE ILl.u.s.tRATED

"Oh, my prophetic soul! My uncle!"

_Hamlet_, Act I., Sc. 5.]

A BROTHER ARTIST

["We have regularly attended the Academy now for many years, but never do we remember such a poor show of portraits; they cannot prove to be otherwise than the laughing-stock of tailors and their customers."--_Tailor and Cutter._]

The tailor leaned upon his goose, And wiped away a tear: "What portraits painting-men produce,"

He sobbed, "from year to year!

These fellows make their sitters smile In suits that do not fit, They're wrongly b.u.t.toned, and the style Is not the thing a bit.

"Oh, artist, I'm an artist too!

I bid you use restraint, And only show your sitters, do, In fitting coats of paint; In vain you crown those errant seams With smiles that look ethereal, For man may be the stuff of dreams-- But dreams are not material."

MEDICAL.--A sculptor friend, who has strabismus, consoles himself with the thought that he can always keep his profession in view through having a cast in his eye.

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Frame-maker_ (_to gifted amateur, who is ordering frames for a few prints and sketches_). "Ah, I suppose you want something cheap an' ordinary for _this_?"

[_N.B._--_"This" was a cherished little sketch by our amateur himself._]

NOT QUITE THE SAME.--Scene: _Exhibition of Works of Art._

_Dealer_ (_to friend, indicating stout person closely examining a Vand.y.k.e_). Do you know who _that_ is? I so often see him about.

_Friend._ I know him. He's a collector.

_Dealer_ (_much interested_). Indeed! What does he collect? Pictures?

_Friend._ No. Income tax.

[_Exeunt severally._

ART CLa.s.s.--_Inspector._ What is a "landscape painter"?

_Student._ A painter of landscapes.

_Inspector._ Good. What is an "animal painter"?

_Student._ A painter of animals.

_Inspector._ Excellent. What is a "marine painter"?

_Student._ A painter of marines.

_Inspector._ Admirable! Go and tell it them. Call next cla.s.s.

[_Exeunt students._

THE BEST "PUBLISHER'S CIRCULAR."--A round dining-table.