_Frame Maker_ (_in ecstasies_). "By Jove! Jemima--every one of 'em on the line again!"]

HOW TO BE AN AUTHOR

Mr. Punch, having read the latest book on the way to write for the press, feels that there is at least one important subject not properly explained therein: to wit, the covering letter. He therefore proceeds to supplement this and similar books.... It is, however, when your story is written that the difficulties begin. Having selected a suitable editor, you send him your contribution accompanied by a covering letter.

The writing of this letter is the most important part of the whole business. One story, after all, is very much like another (in your case, probably, exactly like another), but you can at least in your covering letter show that you are a person of originality.

Your letter must be one of three kinds: pleading, peremptory, or corruptive. I proceed to give examples of each.

I.--THE PLEADING LETTER.

199, _Berkeley Square, W._

DEAR MR. EDITOR,--I have a wife and seven starving children; can you possibly help us by accepting this little story of only 18,000 (eighteen thousand) words? Not only would you be doing a work of charity to one who has suffered much, but you would also, I venture to say, be conferring a real benefit upon English literature--as I have already received the thanks of no fewer than thirty-three editors for having allowed them to peruse this ma.n.u.script.

Yours humbly,

THE McHARDY.

P.S.--My youngest boy, aged three, pointed to his little sister's Gazeka toy last night and cried "De editor!" These are literally the first words that have pa.s.sed his lips for three days. Can you stand by and see the children starve?

II.--THE PEREMPTORY LETTER.

SIR,--Kindly publish at once and oblige.

Yours faithfully,

EUGENE HACKENKICK.

P.S.--I shall be round at your office to-morrow about an advertis.e.m.e.nt for some 600 lb. bar-bells, and will look you up.

III.--THE CORRUPTIVE LETTER.

_Middles.e.x House, Park Lane, IV._

DEAR MR. SMITH,--Can you come and dine with us quite in a _friendly_ way on Thursday at eight? I want to introduce you to the Princess of Holdwig-Schlosstein and Mr. Alfred Austin, who are so eager to meet you. Do you know I am really a little _frightened_ at the thought of meeting such a famous editor? Isn't it _silly_ of me?

Yours very sincerely,

EMMA MIDDLEs.e.x.

P.S.--I wonder if you could find room in your _splendid little paper_ for a silly story I am sending you. It would be such a surprise for the Duke's birthday (on Monday).--E. M.

Before concluding the question of the covering letter I must mention the sad case of my friend Halibut. Halibut had a series of lithographed letters of all kinds, one of which he would enclose with every story he sent out. On a certain occasion he wrote a problem story of the most advanced kind; what, in fact, the reviewers call a "strong" story. In sending this to the editor of a famous magazine his secretary carelessly slipped in the wrong letter:

"DEAR MR. EDITOR," it ran, "I am trying to rite you a littel story, I do hope you will like my little storey, I want to tell you about my kanary and my p.u.s.s.y cat, it's name is _Peggy_ and it has seven kitens, have you any kitens, I will give you one if you print my story,

"Your loving little friend,

"FLOSSIE."

PROVERB FOR THE COUNCIL OF THE ROYAL ACADEMY.--"Hanging goes by favour."

THE ENRAGED MUSICIAN.--(_A Duologue._)

_Composer._ Did you stay late at Lady t.i.ttup's?

_Friend._ Yes. Heard Miss Bang play again. I was delighted with her execution.

_Composer._ Her execution! _That_ would have pleased _me_; she deserved it for having brutally murdered a piece of mine.

[_Exeunt._

THE GENTILITY OF SPEECH.--At the music halls visitors now call for "another acrobat," when they want a second tumbler.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE WRITING ON THE WINDOW

Portrait of a gentleman who proposes to say he was detained in town on important business.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AWARDING THE BISCUIT

_Dingy Bohemian._ "I want a bath Oliver."

_Immaculate Servitor._ "My name is _not_ Oliver!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "SENDING-IN" DAY.--Indigo Brown takes his picture, ent.i.tled "Peace and Comfort," to the R.A. himself, as he says, "Those picture carts are certain to scratch it," and, with the a.s.sistance of his cabby, adds the finishing touches on his way there!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AN UNDOUBTED OLD MASTER

(_By Himself_)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LAYING IT ON WITH A PALETTE-KNIFE.--_Miss Sere._ "Ah, Mr.

Brown, if you could only paint me as I was ten years ago!"