_Stippleton_ (_who has married money_). "No. Fact is"--(_sotto voce_)--"I've got quite enough on my hands with the old missus!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TWO OLD MASTERS OF ARTS]

ARTIST'S VADE MEc.u.m

_Question._ Has the anxious parent been to see his child's portrait?

_Answer._ He has seen it.

_Q._ Did he approve of it?

_A._ He will like it better when I have made some slight alterations.

_Q._ What are they?

_A._ He would like the att.i.tude of the figure altered, the position of the arms changed, the face turned the other way, the hair and eyes made a different colour, and the expression of the mouth improved.

_Q._ Did he make any other suggestions?

_A._ Yes; he wishes to have the child's favourite pony and Newfoundland dog put in, with an indication of the ancestral home in the back-ground.

_Q._ Is he willing to pay anything extra for these additions?

_A._ He does not consider it necessary.

_Q._ Are you well on with your Academy picture?

_A._ No; but I began the charcoal sketch yesterday.

_Q._ Have you secured the handsome model?

_A._ No; the handsome model has been permanently engaged by the eminent R.A.

_Q._ Under these circ.u.mstances, do you still expect to get finished in time?

_A._ Yes; I have been at this stage in February for as many years as I can remember, and have generally managed to worry through somehow.

WHENEVER the "Reduced Prizefighters" take a benefit at a theatre, the play should be _The Miller and his Men_.

A NICE MAN.--Mr. Swiggins was a sot. He was also a sloven. He never had anything neat about him but gin.

[Ill.u.s.tration: Under a great master]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE WARRIOR BOLD

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE GAY TOM t.i.t

SONGS AND THEIR SINGERS]

"HUNG, DRAWN, AND QUARTERED."--(_Mr. Punch's sentence on three-fourths of the Academicians' work "on the line."_)--Very well "hung"; very ill "drawn"; a great deal better "quartered" than it deserves.

THE SPIRIT OF THE AGE.--Gin.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"

When he magnanimously consents to go on the platform at a conjuring performance, and unwonted objects are produced from his inside pockets.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Celebrated Minor Poet._ "Ah, hostess, how 'do? Did you get my book I sent you yesterday?"

_Hostess._ "Delightful! _I couldn't sleep till I'd read it!_"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _The Infant Prodigy has reached the middle of an exceedingly difficult pianoforte solo, and one of those dramatic pauses of which the celebrated composer is so fond has occurred. Kindly but undiscerning old Lady._ "Play something you know, dearie."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: AT A FENCING "AT HOME."--_Distinguished Foreigner_ (_hero of a hundred duels_). "It is delightful, mademoiselle. You English are a sporting nation."

_Fair Member._ "So glad you are enjoying it. By the way, Monsieur le Marquis, have they introduced fencing into France yet?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: IN THE CAUSE OF ART.--_Patron._ "When are yer goin' to start my wife's picture and mine? 'Cause, when the 'ouse is up we're a goin'----"