A MUSICAL BURGLAR.--One who breaks into a tune.

[Ill.u.s.tration: HE KNEW HIS WORK

_Proprietor of Travelling Menagerie._ "Are you used to looking after horses and other animals?"

_Applicant for Job._ "Yessir. Been used to 'orses all my life."

_P. O. T. M._ "What steps would you take if a lion got loose?"

_A. F. J._ "Good long 'uns, mister!"]

MAY BE HEARD EVERYWHERE.--"Songs without words"--a remarkable performance; but perhaps a still more wonderful feat is playing upon words.

SUBSt.i.tUTES FOR PROFANE SWEARING

(_Adapted to various Sorts and Conditions of Men_)

_Lawyer._ Tax my bill.

_Doctor._ Dash my draughts.

_Soldier_. Snap my stock.

_Parson._ Starch my surplice.

_Bricklayer._ I'll be plastered.

_Bricklayer's Labourer._ Chop my hod.

_Carpenter._ Saw me.

_Plumber and Glazier._ Solder my pipes. Smash my panes.

_Painter._ I'm daubed.

_Brewer._ I'm mashed.

_Engineer._ Burst my boiler.

_Stoker._ Souse my c.o.ke.

_Costermonger._ Rot my taturs.

_Dramatic Author._ Steal my French Dictionary.

_Actor._ I'll be hissed.

_Tailor._ Cut me out. Cook my goose.

_Linendraper._ Soil my silks. Sell me off.

_Grocer._ Squash my figs. Sand my sugar. Seize my scales.

_Baker._ Knead my dough. Scorch my m.u.f.fins.

_Auctioneer._ Knock me down.

"THE PLAYERS ARE COME!"--_First Player_ (_who has had a run of ill-luck_). I'm regularly haunted by the recollection of my losses at baccarat.

_Second Player._ Quite Shakespearian! "Banco's ghost."

SOMETHING TO LIVE FOR.--(_From the Literary Club Smoking-room._) _Cynicus._ I'm waiting till my friends are dead, in order to write my reminiscences?

_Amicus._ Ah, but remember. "_De mortuis nil nisi bonum._"

_Cynicus._ Quite so. I shall tell nothing but exceedingly good stories about them.

A CONTRADICTION.--In picture exhibitions, the observant spectator is struck by the fact that works hung on the line are too often below the mark.

A "LIGHT" REPAST.--A feast of lanterns.

[Ill.u.s.tration: R. A. GEMS.--_Fair Amateur_ (_to carpenter_). "My picture is quite hidden with that horrid ticket on it. Can't you fix it on the frame?" _Carpenter._ "Why, you'll spoil the frame, mum!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Jones._ "Do you drink between meals?"

_Smith._ "No. I eat between drinks."

_Jones._ "Which did you do last?"

_Smith._ "Drink."