_Nursemaid._ "Lawk! There goes Charley, and he's took his mar's parasol.

What _will_ missus say?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Temperance Enthusiast._ "Look at the beautiful lives our first parents led. Do you suppose _they_ ever gave way to strong drink?"

_The Reprobate._ "I 'xpect Eve must 'a' done. She saw snakes!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A POWERFUL QUARTET

(At all events it looks and sounds like one)]

[Ill.u.s.tration]

SWEETS OF THE SEASIDE.

_Shingleton, near Dulborough._

SYMPATHISING MR. PUNCH,

With the desire of enjoying a few days of tranquillity and a few dips in the sea, I have arrived and taken lodgings at this "salubrious watering-place" (as the guide-books choose to call it), having heard that it was quiet, and possessed of a steep, cleanly, and bathe-inviting beach. As to the latter point, I find that fame has not belied it; but surely with a view to tempt me into suicide, some demon must have coupled the term "quiet" with this place. Quiet! Gracious Powers of Darkness! if this be your idea of a quiet spot to live in, I wonder what, according to your notion, need be added to its tumult to make a noisy town. Here is a list of aural tortures wherewith we are tormented, which may serve by way of time-table to advertise the musical attractions of the place:--

1 A.M.--Voices of the night. Revellers returning home.

1.30 A.M.--Duet, "_Io t'amo_", squealed upon the tiles, by the famous feline vocalists Mademoiselle Minette and Signor Catterwaulini.

2 A.M.--Barc-arole and chorus, "_Bow wow wow_" (BACH), by the Bayers of the Moon.

3 A.M.--Song without words, by the early village c.o.c.k.

3.30 A.M.--Chorus by his neighbours, high and low, mingling the treble of the Bantam with the Brahma's thorough ba.s.s.

[Ill.u.s.tration: ENJOYING THE HEIGHT OF THE SEAS-ON]

4 A.M.--Twittering of swallows, and chirping of early birds, before they go to catch their worms.

4.45 A.M.--Meeting of two natives, of course _just_ under your window, who converse in a stage-whisper at the tip-top of their voices.

5 A.M.--Stampede of fishermen, returning from their night's work in their heavy boots.

6 A.M.--Start of shrimpers, barefooted, but occasionally bawling.

7 A.M.--Shutters taken down, and small boys sally forth and shout to one another from the two ends of the street.

7.15 A.M.--"So-holes! fine fresh so-holes!"

7.30 A.M.--"Mack'reel! fower a shillun! Ma-a-ack'reel!"

8 A.M.--Piano play begins, and goes on until midnight.

8.25 A.M.--Barrel-organ at the corner. Banjo in the distance.

9 A.M.--German band to right of you. Ophicleide out of time, clarionette out of tune.

9.30 A.M.--"Pa-aper, mornin' pa-aper! _Daily Telegraft!_"

9.45 A.M.--German band to left of you. Clarionette and cornet both out of time and tune.

10.15 A.M.--A key-bugler and a bag-piper a dozen yards apart.

11 A.M.--Performance of Punch and Toby, who barks more than is good for him.

11.30 A.M.--Bellowing black-faced ballad-bawlers, with their banjoes and their bones.

Such is our daily programme of music until noon, and such, with sundry variations, it continues until midnight. Small wonder that I have so little relish for my meals, and that, in spite of the sea air, I can hardly sleep a wink. I shall return to Town to-morrow, for surely all the street tormentors must be out of it, judging by the numbers that now plague the sad seaside.

MISERRIMUS.

[Ill.u.s.tration: REDCAR]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MEETING OF THE OLD AND NEW PEERS AT BRIGHTON]

[Ill.u.s.tration: WALTON ON THE NAZE]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THE MEAT SUPPLY"

_Bathing-man._ "Yes, mum, he's a good old 'orse yet. And he's been in the salt water so long, he'll make capital biled beef when we're done with him!!!"]

_Our Poetess._ "Do not talk to me of dinner, Edwin. I must stay by this beautiful Sea, and _drink it all in_!"

_Bill the Boatman._ "Lor! She's a thirsty one too!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: HOW TO KILL TIME AT THE SEASIDE