_Mrs. F._ "You're a brute, sir."

_Mr. F._ "I wish I were; for then I should be able to swim."

_Mrs. F._ "Mr. Fydgetts! Ain't you a-coming to help me?"

_Mr. F._ "No! It serves you right for bringing me down to this stupid place."

_Mrs. F._ "_I_, indeed. Why, I wanted to go to Brighton and you would come to Margate--you said it was cheaper."

_Mr. F._ "It's false; I said no such thing."

_Mrs. F._ "You did, you did!"

_Mr. F._ "O, woman! woman! Where do you expect to go to?"

_Mrs. F._ "To the bottom; unless you come and help me!"

_Mr. F._ "Help yourself. I'm s-i-n-k-i-n-g"--

_Mrs. F._ "My child! My child!"

_Mr. F._ (_rising from the water_). "Be quiet, can't you! Woo-o-m--" (_the rest is inaudible, but the watery pair are saved just in time, and renew their dispute in the boat as soon as they are rescued from their perilous position_).]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Mabel_ (_soliloquising_). "Dear me, this relaxing climate makes even one's parasol seem too heavy to hold!"]

HOLIDAY HAUNTS

_By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt_

I.--GREAT YARMOUTH

[Ill.u.s.tration: PUFFINS]

Why Great?--where's Little Yarmouth?--or Mid-Sized Yarmouth?--give it up--don't know--hate people who ask conundrums--feel well cured directly you get here--good trademark for dried-fish sellers, "The Perfect Cure"--if you stay a fortnight, get quite kipperish--stay a month, talk kipperish! Princ.i.p.al attractions--Bloaters and Rows--first eat--second see--song, "_Speak gently of the Herring_"--"long sh.o.r.e" ones splendid--kippers delicious--song, "_What's a' the steer, Kipper?_"--song, "_n.o.body's rows like our Rows_"--more they are--varied--picturesque--tumbledown--paradise for painters--very narrow--capital support for native Bloater going home after dinner--odd names--Ramp, Kitty Witches--Gallon Can, Conge! Fancy oneself quite the honest toiler of the sea--ought to go about in dried haddock suit--feel inclined to emulate _Mr. Peggotty_--run into quiet taverns--thump tables violently--say "gormed!" Whole neighbourhood recalls _Ham_ and _Little Em'ly_--_David, Steerforth, Mrs. Gummidge_--recall ham myself--if well broiled--lunch--pleasant promenades on piers--plenty of amus.e.m.e.nt in watching the bloateric commerce--fresh water fishing in adjacent Broads, if you like--if not, let it alone--broad as it's long! The Denes--not sardines--nor rural deans--good places for exercise--plenty of antiquities--old customs--quaint traditions! Picturesque ancient taverns--capital modern hotels--stopping in one of the latter--polite waiter just appeared--dinner served--soup'll get cold--mustn't wait--never insult good cook by being unpunctual--rather let Editor go short than hurt cook's feelings[1]--so no more at present--from Yours Truly.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Footnote 1:] Don't like this sentiment. Is J. J. a Cook's Tourist?--ED.

II.--LITTLEHAMPTON.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Emphatically the Sea on the strict Q T--no bustle at railway-station--train glides in noiselessly--pa.s.sengers ooze away--porters good-tempered and easy-going--like suffragan Bishops in corduroys--bless boxes--read pastorals on portmanteaux--no one in a hurry--locomotive coos softly in an undertone--fly-drivers suggest possibility of your requiring their services in a whisper! Place full--no lodgings to be had--visitors manage to efface themselves--no one about--all having early dinners--or gone to bed--or pretending to be somewhere else--a one-sided game of hide and seek--everybody hiding, n.o.body seeking! Seems always afternoon--dreamy gleamy sunshine--a dense quietude that you might cut in slices--no braying bra.s.s-bands--no raucous n.i.g.g.e.rs--no seaside harpies--Honfleur packet only excitement--no one goes to see it start--visitors don't like to be excited! Chief amus.e.m.e.nts, Common, Sands, and Pony-chaises--first, good to roll on--second, good to stroll on--first two, gratuitous and breezy--third, inexpensive and easy--might be driven out of your mind for three-and-six--notwithstanding this, everybody presumably sane. Capital place for children--cricket for boys--shrimping for girls--bare legs--picturesque dress--not much caught--salt water good for ankles--excellent bathing--rows of bathing-tents--admirable notion!

Interesting excursions--Arundel Castle--Bramber--Bognor--Chichester --Petworth House! Good things to eat--Arundel mullet--Amberley trout --Tarring figs! Delightful air--omnipotent ozone--uninterrupted quiet--just the place to recover your balance, either mental or monetary--I wish to recover both--that's the reason I'm here--send cheque at once to complete cure.[2]

[Footnote 2:] We have sent him the price of a third-cla.s.s fare to town, with orders to return instantly: possibly this is hardly the sort of check that our friend "J. J." expected.--ED.

[Ill.u.s.tration: RAMSGATE]

III.--SCARBOROUGH.

Long way from London--no matter--fast train--soon here--once here don't wish to leave--palatial hotels--every luxury--good _tables d'hote_--pleasant b.a.l.l.s--lively society! Exhilarating air--good as champagne without "morning after"--up early--go to bed late--authorities provide something better than a broken-down pier, a circulating library, and a rickety bathing-machine--authorities disburse large sums for benefit of visitors--visitors spend lots of money in town--mutual satisfaction--place crowded--capital bands--excellent theatricals --varied entertainments--right way to do it! The Spa--first discovered 1620--people been discovering it ever since--some drink it--more walk on it--lounge on it--smoke on it--flirt on it--wonderful costumes in the morning--more wonderful in the afternoon--most wonderful in the evening! North Sands--South Sands--fine old Castle well placed--picturesque old town--well-built modern terraces, squares and streets--pony-chaises--riding-horses--Lift for lazy ones!

Capital excursions--Oliver's Mount--Carnelian Bay--Scalby Mill--Hackness--Wykeham--Filey! Delightful gardens--secluded seats --hidden nooks--shady bowers--well-screened corners--Northern Belles--bright eyes--soft nothings--eloquent sighs--squozen hands--before you know where you are--ask papa--all up--dangerous very!

Overcome by feelings--can't write any more--friend asks me to drink waters--query North Chalybeate or South Salt Well--wonder which--if in doubt try soda qualified with brandy--good people scarce--better run no risk!

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CUTTER MAKING FOR THE PEER HEAD]

COSTUME IN KEEPING.--"Of all sweet things", said Bertha, "for the seaside, give me a serge." The Ancient Mariner shook his head. He didn't see the joke.

BOARD AND LODGING!--_Landlady._ "Yes, sir, the board were certingly to be a guinea a week, but I didn't know as you was a-going to bathe in the sea before breakfast and take bottles of tonic during the day!"

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE DONKEYS' HOLIDAY

With compliments to the S.P.C.A.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LABELLED!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: NAUGHTICAL?

_Yachting Friend_ (_playfully_). "Have you any experience of squalls, Brown?"

_Brown._ "Squalls!" (_Seriously._) "My dear sir, I've brought up ten in family!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SOCIAL BEINGS

Wearied by London dissipation, the Marjoribanks Browns go, for the sake of perfect quiet, to that picturesque little watering-place, Shrimpington-super-Mare, where they trust that they will not meet a single soul they know.

Oddly enough, the Cholmondeley Joneses go to the same spot with the same purpose.