SCENE: _Mr. Foote Lyter's back Drawing-room. Private Theatricals. Dress Rehearsal._

_Mr. Foote Lyter._ "I say, Drawle, while the Duke is having his scene with Dora, where am _I_ to stand!" _Captain Drawle_ (_amateur stage manager_). "Well--er--my dear fellow--er--er--it's your own house, you know--_you can stand where you like_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE POINT OF VIEW.--_Exasperated Old Gentleman_ (_to lady in front of him_). "Excuse me, madam, but my seat has cost me ten shillings, and I want to see. Your hat----" _The Lady._ "My hat has cost me ten _guineas_, sir, and I want it to _be seen_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: Tomkins, who has recently made his appearance _en amateur_ as the Melancholy Dane, goes to have his photograph taken "in character." Unfortunately, on reaching the corner of the street, he finds _the road is up_, and he has to walk to the door! Tableau!!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Clever Juvenile_ (_loq._). "Shakspeare? Pooh! For my part I consider Shakspeare a very much over-rated man."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FORTHCOMING PANTOMIME

_Astonished Friend._ "Why!--Why! What on earth are these?"

_Manager._ "These? Oh! These are _fairies_!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MR. PUNCH'S PATENT MATINEE HAT.

Fitted with binocular gla.s.ses for the benefit of those sitting behind its wearer.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HEARD AT A PROVINCIAL CIRCUS.--_Wag_ (_to unfortunate small gent, who has vainly endeavoured to persuade lady to remove her hat_). "Don't you see she's got a bird in her hat, sitting? You wouldn't have the lady addle-headed, would you?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE AMATEURS.--_Suburban Roscius._ "Ah, I saw you were at our 'theatricals' the other night. How did you like my a.s.sumption of _Hamlet_?" _Candid Friend._ "My dear f'llar--great'st piece of a.s.sumption I ever saw i' m' life!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CAUSE AND EFFECT

_Eminent Provincial Tragedian._ "Come hithorr, sweet one! Your mothorr tells me that you shed teorrs during my soliloquy in exile, last night!"

_Sweet One._ "Yes, sir. Mother kept on pinching me, 'cause I was so sleepy!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "EXCLUSIVE"

_Our Philanthropist_ (_who often takes the shilling gallery_--_to his neighbour_). "Only a middling house."

_Unwashed Artisan._ "Ay--that sixpence extry, 'rather heavy for the likes o' huz, y'know. But there's one thing--it keeps out the riff-raff!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE DRAMA.--_aesthetic Critic_ (_at the club, after the theatre_). "Can you imagine anything more utterly solemn than the _denoument_ in _Romeo and Juliet_? Two lovers, both dying in the same vault! What fate more weirdly tragic could----"

_Cynical Old Bachelor_ (_who has evidently never read the play_).

"Um--'s no knowing. The author might 'a' married 'em!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Distinguished Amateur_ (_about to make his first appearance in public at a concert for the people_). "Oh, I _do_ feel so nervous!" _Sympathetic Friend._ "Oh, there's no occasion to be nervous, my dear fellow. They applaud _anything_!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE MAIDEN'S POINT OF VIEW.--_Mamma_ (_to Maud, who has been with her brother to the play, and is full of it_). "But was there no _love_ in the piece, then?" _Maud._ "_Love?_ Oh dear no, mamma. The princ.i.p.al characters were _husband and wife_, you know!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: LA COMEDIE FRANcAISE

_Jones_ (_who understands French so well, although he does not speak it_), _reading over list of pieces to be played at the Gaiety_:--"'Le Gendre de M. Poirier.' Why, what gender _should_ the man be, I should like to know!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "THOSE WHO LIVE IN GLa.s.s HOUSES," ETC.--_The Bishop._ "I hope your grandchildren liked the circus, Lady G.o.diva. That was a wonderful performance of Mlle. Pet.i.tpas on the bare-backed steed, wasn't it?"

_Lady G.o.diva._ "Yes--a--but I dislike those bare-backed performances.

They're so risky, you know!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A very cold audience. (Suggestion for the stalls in mid-winter)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CASE OF "NO COMPRENNY"

"Ha! Mistare Robinson! 'Ow do you do? 'Av you seen ze last new piece at ze 'Olleborne? Supairrb! Splendeed!! Good!!!"

"A--no--I don't patronise the English drama. I like finish, delicacy, refinement; and I'm happy to say I've secured tickets for all the French plays!"

"Tiens! Mais vous savez le Francais, alors?"

"A--I beg your pardon?"

"Je vous demande si vous savez le Francais, parbleu! Cruche, Melon, Baudet, Dinde, Jobard, Cretin, Momie, Colin-Maillard que vous etes?"