It's estonishing what a remarkabel fine happy-tight a run on the butiful Tems seems to give heverybody, and wot an adwantage we has in that partickler respect over the poor Amerycans who gos for a trip on Mrs.

Sippy's big River, with the wind a bloing like great guns, and the waves a dashing mountings hi. But on our butiful little steamer on our luvly little river, altho the gests had most suttenly all brekfasted afore they c.u.m, why we hadn't started much about half-a-nour, afore three or fore on 'em came creeping down into the t.i.te little cabin and asking for jest a cup of tea and a hegg or two, and a few shrimps; and, in less than a nour arterwards, harf a duzzen more on 'em had jest a gla.s.s or two of wine and a sandwich, and all a arsking that most important of all questions on bord a Tems Yot, "What time do we lunch?" And by 2 a clock sharp they was all seated at it, and pegging away at the Sammon and the pidgin pie, het settera, as if they was harf-starved, and ewen arter that, the butiful desert and the fine old Port Wine was left upon the table, and I can troothfully state that the cabin was never wunce quite empty till we was again doing full justice to Mr. Skindel's _maynoo_.

ROBERT.

THE UNIVERSAL MOTTO AT HENLEY.--Open houseboat.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "EXEMPLI GRATIA"

_Ancient Mariner_ (_to credulous yachtsman_). "A'miral Lord Nelson!

Bless yer, I knowed him; served under him. Many's the time I've as'ed him for a bit o' 'bacco, as I might be a astin' o' you; and says he, 'Well, I ain't got no 'bacco,' jest as you might say to me; 'but here's a shillin' for yer,' says he"!!]

[Ill.u.s.tration: ABOVE BRIDGE BOAT AGROUND OFF CHISWICK

_Gallant Member of the L.R.C._ "Can I put you ash.o.r.e, mum?"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "IT'S AN ILL WIND," &c.

_Rescuer._ "Hold on a bit! I may never get a chance like this again!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--DAVID c.o.x REDIVIVUS!]

BO'SEN JAMES AND THE GREAT SEA-SARPINT

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Three bold sailormen all went a-sailin'

Out into the Northern Sea, And they steered Nor'-West by three quarters West Till they came to Norwegee.

They was three bold men as ever you'd see, And these was their Christian names: There was Long-legged Bill and Curly d.i.c.k, And the third was Bo'sen James;-- And they went to catch the Great Sea-Sarpint, Which they wished for to stop his games.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

Long-legged Bill was in the main-top a-watchin'

For Sea-Sarpints, starn and grim, When through the lee-scupper bold Curly d.i.c.k peeped, And he says, says he, "That's him!"

Then quick down the rattlins the long-legged 'un slid-- Which pale as a shrimp was he-- While d.i.c.k he rolled forrard into the cuddy, Where Bo'sen James happened to be, For James he was what you'd call the ship's cook, And he was a-makin' the tea.

Then says Curly d.i.c.k, says he, "Bless my peepers!"

(Which his words were not quite those) "Here's the Great Sea-Sarpint a-comin' aboard, With a wart upon his nose!

Which his head's as big as the jolly-boat, And his mouth's as wide as the Thames, And his mane's as long as the best bower cable, And his eyes like blazin' flames-- And he's comin' aboard right through the lee-scupper!"

"Belay there!" says Bo'sen James.

Howsever, bold Bo'sen he went down to leeward, While Curly d.i.c.k shook with funk; And Long-legged Bill he hid in the caboose, A-yellin' "We'll all be sunk!"

You might a'most heard a marlinspike drop As Bo'sen James he looked out.

Then down through the scupper his head it went, And there came a tremenjous shout, "Sea-Sarpint be blowed, ye darned landlubbers!

Who's left this here mop hangin' out?"

[Ill.u.s.tration]

A WORD TO THE Y.'S AT HENLEY.--Try again; you will be Yale-fellow, well met!

HINTS FOR HENLEY

(_At the Service of Visitors wishing to be comfortable_)

Take care to be invited to the best situated houseboat.

If you can, get permission to ask a few friends to join your host's party at luncheon.

Be sure to secure the pleasantest seat, the most amusing neighbour, and all the periodicals.

If you are conversationally inclined, monopolise the talk, and if you are not, plead a headache for keeping every one silent.

Mind that "No. 1" is your particular numerical distinction, and that the happiness of the rest of the world is a negligible quant.i.ty.

If you are a man, keep smoking cigars and sipping refreshing beverages until it is time to eat and drink seriously; if you are of the other s.e.x, flirt, chatter, or sleep, as the impulse moves you.

And when you are quite, _quite_ sure that you have nothing better to do, give a glance to the racing!

[Ill.u.s.tration: HOPE DEFERRED

_Jones_ (_who is not feeling very well_). "How long did you say it would take us to get back?"

_Boatman._ "'Bout 'n 'our an' a 'arf agin this tide."]

HOW TO ENJOY LIFE ON THE RIVER

Get a houseboat and be sure that it is water-tight and free from rats and other unpleasant visitors.

Take care that your servants have no objection to roughing it, and can turn their hands to anything usually supplied in town by the stores.