If athletes must pant--I don't say they shan't-- But give them some decent employment; And let it be clear, they don't interfere With other folks' quiet enjoyment!

When luncheon you're o'er, tis really a bore-- And I think it a very hard case is-- To have to look up, from _pate_ or cup, And gaze on those tiresome Races!

_I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._

The Races, to me, seem to strike a wrong key, Mid dreamy delightful diversion; There isn't much fun seeing men in the sun, Who suffer from over-exertion!

In sweet idle days, when all love to laze, Such violent work a disgrace is!

Let's hope we shall see, with me they'll agree, And next year abolish the Races!

_I don't care a rap for the Races, &c., &c._

[Ill.u.s.tration: KNOW THYSELF!

_Miss Featherweight._ "I tell you what, Alfred, if you took me for a row in a thing like that I'd scream all the time. Why, he isn't more than half out of the water!"]

HENLEY REGATTA

_By Jingle Junior on the Jaunt_

All right -- here we are -- quite the waterman -- jolly -- young -- white flannels -- straw hat -- canvas shoes -- umbrella -- mackintosh -- provide against a rainy day! Finest reach for rowing in England -- best regatta in the Eastern Hemisphere -- finest pic-nic in the world!

Gorgeous barges -- palatial houseboats -- superb steam-launches -- skiffs -- randans -- punts -- wherries -- sailing-boats -- dinghies -- canoes! Red Lion crammed from cellar to garret -- not a bed to be had in the town -- comfortable trees all booked a fortnight in advance -- well-aired meadows at a premium! Lion Gardens crammed with gay toilettes -- Grand Stand like a flower-show -- band inspiriting -- church-bells distracting -- sober grey old bridge crammed with carriages -- towing-path blocked up with spectators -- meadows alive with pic-nic parties! Flags flying everywhere -- music -- singers -- n.i.g.g.e.rs -- conjurers -- fortune-tellers! Brilliant liveries of rowing clubs -- red -- blue -- yellow -- green -- purple -- black -- white -- all jumbled up together -- rainbow gone mad -- kaleidoscope with _delirium tremens_.

Henley hospitality proverbial -- invitation to sixteen luncheons -- accept 'em all -- go to none! Find myself at luncheon where I've not been asked -- good plan -- others in reserve! Wet or fine -- rain or shine -- must be at Henley! If fine, row about all day -- pretty girls -- bright dresses -- gay sunshades. If wet, drop in at hospitable houseboat just for a call -- delightful damsels -- mackintoshes -- umbrellas! Houseboat like Ark -- all in couples -- Joan of Ark in corner with Darby -- Who is she? -- Don't No-ah -- pun effect of cup. Luncheons going on all day -- cups various continually circulating -- fine view -- lots of fun -- delightful, very! People roaring -- rowists howling along bank -- lot of young men with red oars in boat over-exerting themselves -- lot more in boat with blue oars, also over-exerting themselves -- bravo! -- pick her up! -- let her have it! -- well pulled -- everybody gone raving mad! Bang! young men leave off over-exerting themselves -- somebody says somebody has won something. Seems to have been a race about something -- why can't they row quietly? Pa.s.s the claret-cup, please -- Why do they want to interrupt our luncheon? -- Eh?

[Ill.u.s.tration: "WHAT'S IN A NAME?"

(A sketch at a regatta. A warning to "the cloth" when up the river)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: CUPID AT SEA

_Angelina (to Edwin, whose only chance is perfect tranquillity)._ "Edwin, dear! If you love me, go down into the cabin, and fetch me my scent bottle and another shawl to put over my feet!"

[_Edwin's sensations are more easily imagined than described._

THE JOLLY YOUNG WATERMAIDS

And have you not read of eight jolly young watermaids, Lately at Cookham accustomed to ply And feather their oars with a deal of dexterity, Pleasing the critical masculine eye?

They swing so truly and pull so steadily, Mult.i.tudes flock to the river-side readily;-- It's not the eighth wonder that all the world's there, But this watermaid eight, ne'er in want of a stare.

What sights of white costumes! What ties and what hatbands, "Leander cerise!" We don't wish to offend, But are these first thoughts with the dashing young women Who don't dash too much in a spurt off Bourne End?

Mere nonsense, of course! There's no "giggling and leering"-- Complete ruination to rowing and steering;-- "All eyes in the boat" is their coach's first care, And "a spin of twelve miles" is as naught to the fair.

[Ill.u.s.tration: GOOD RESOLUTIONS

_Blenkinsop (on a friend's Yacht) soliloquises._ "I know one thing, if ever I'm rich enough to keep a yacht, I shall spend the money in horses."]

ECHOES FROM THE THAMES

SCENE--_Houseboat in a good position._ TIME--_Evening during "the Regatta week._" PRESENT (_on deck in cozy chairs_)--_He and She._

_She._ Very pretty, the lights, are they not?

_He._ Perfectly charming. So nice after the heat.

_She._ Yes, and really, everything has been delightful.

_He._ Couldn't possibly be better. Wonderful how well it can be done.

_She._ Yes. But, of course, it wants management. You know a lot comes down from town.

_He._ Will the stores send so far?

_She._ Yes, and if they won't others will. And then the local tradespeople are very obliging.

_He._ But don't the servants rather kick at it?

_She._ No, because they are comfortable enough. Put them up in the neighbourhood.

_He._ Ah, to be sure. And your brother looks after the cellar so well.

_She._ Yes, he is quite a genius in that line.

_He._ And it's awfully nice chatting all day.

_She._ Yes, when one doesn't go to sleep.

_He._ And, of course, we can fall back upon the circulating libraries and the newspapers.

_She._ And so much better than town. It must be absolutely ghastly in Piccadilly.

_He._ Yes, so I hear. And then there's the racing!

_She._ Ah, to be sure. To tell the truth, I didn't notice that very much. Was there any winning?

_He._ Oh, yes, a lot. But I really quite forget what----

_She._ Oh, never mind. We can read all about it in to-morrow's papers, and that will be better than bothering about it now.