_Man on Sh.o.r.e._ "I think I'll get you to excuse me, old man. I don't like sculling--it--er--hurts the back of my head so!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: A CRISIS

_His Better and Stouter Half._ "Oh, Charley, if we're upset, you mean to say you expect me to get into _this_?"

[_Horror-stricken husband has no answer ready._

LOVE ON THE OCEAN

They met, 'twas in a storm, On the deck of a steamer; She spoke in language warm, Like a sentimental dreamer.

He spoke--at least he tried; His position he altered; Then turn'd his face aside, And his deep-ton'd voice falter'd.

She gazed upon the wave, Sublime she declared it; But no reply he gave-- He could not have dared it.

A breeze came from the south, Across the billows sweeping; His heart was in his mouth, And out he thought 'twas leaping.

"O, then, Steward," he cried, With the deepest emotion; Then tottered to the side, And leant o'er the ocean.

The world may think him cold, But they'll pardon him with quickness, When the fact they shall be told, That he suffer'd from sea-sickness.

[Ill.u.s.tration: PUNCH'S ILl.u.s.tRATIONS TO SHAKSPEARE

"_Richmond_ is on the seas."

_Richard III., Act iv., Scene 4._]

LECTURES ON YACHTING

_By_ PROFESSOR AQUARIUS BRICK

We were present when the accomplished Professor Brick recently delivered a series of lectures on yachting, which were very well attended. By his kind permission, we have preserved bits of the discourses here and there. We extract, _a discretion_:--

"I come now," went on the Professor, "to your most important yachters--your genuine swells. Their cutters are in every harbour; you trace their wake by empty champagne bottles on every sea. To such dandy sea-kings I would now say one word.

"About your choice of cruising ground you cannot have much difficulty.

The Mediterranean is your proper spot. It is true that we will not tolerate its being made a French lake--its proper vocation is that of English pond!

"I would advise you all to be very particular in not letting your 'skipper' have too much authority. Remember always, that _you are the owner_--high-spirited gentlemen do. Surely a man may sail his own yacht, if anybody may! It is as much his property as his horse is. To be sure, when the weather is very bad, I would let the fellow take charge then.

There is a very odd difference between the Bay of Biscay and the water inside the Isle of Wight, when it blows. And a skipper _too much snubbed_ gets rusty at awkward times.

"Your conduct in harbour will be regulated by circ.u.mstances--which means, dinners. Generally speaking, the fact of having a yacht will carry you everywhere. As every aeronaut is 'intrepid' by courtesy, so every yachtsman is a 'fashionable arrival.' This great truth is scarcely enough appreciated in England. I have known very worthy men spend in trying to get into great society in London, sums which, judiciously invested _in a yacht_, would have taken them to dozens of great people's houses abroad. You will get asked to dinner; you will be feasted well, generally. Anything in the way of excitement--particularly good, rich, hospitable excitement--is heartily welcome in our colonial settlements and stations.

"But I am not now speaking only to those who yacht, because to have a yacht is a fine thing. I recognise also an imperial cla.s.s of yachtsmen--the swans of the flock of geese. I have seen a coronet on a binnacle, before now. I have seen a large stately schooner sail into a Mediterranean port--as into a drawing-room--splendid and serene. The harbour-master's boat is on the alert these mornings. The men-of-war send their boats to tow; the dandiest lieutenant goes in the barge; the senior captain offers his services. When such a yacht as that goes into the Golden Horn, the Sultan is shown to these yachters--like any curiosity in his capital--like any odd thing in his town! They are presented to him, as it is called, that _he_ may be looked at.

"To this magnificent cla.s.s I have not much to say. They don't snub their skipper--they are far too fine to do that. They are scarcely distinctive as travellers, for they are the same abroad as at home. In them, England is represented. England floats in a lump through the sea, like Delos used to do. As they say and do just the same as they have always said and done at home--see and mix with the same kind of people--I often wonder what they learn by it. When they go to visit Thermopylae or Marathon, it is with a lot of tents, donkeys, camp-stools, travelling-cases, guides, and servants--such as Xerxes might have had.

They enc.u.mber the ruins of temples with the mult.i.tude of their baggage.

The position seems so unnatural, that I can't fancy their getting any moral or intellectual profit from it. They are too well off for that--like a fellow who cannot see for fat. Depend on it, you cannot see much through a painted window, however fine it is."

Professor Brick concluded his first sketch amidst much applause.

[Ill.u.s.tration: HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL

_Old Lady._ "Are you not afraid of getting drown'd when you have the boat so full?"

_Boatman._ "Oh, dear, no, mum. I always wears a life-belt, so I'm safe enough."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: STANCH!

_Complaisant Uncle_ (_who has remembered his nephew in his will, and is up to his ankles in water_). "I say, John, do you know your boat leaks?"

_Nephew_ (_high and dry on the thwarts_). "Like old boots!"

_Uncle._ "But I---- What's to be done?"

_Nephew._ "Wait till she fills, and then put on a spurt for the sh.o.r.e!!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: MASTER JOHN BULL IN TROUBLE (1851)

_Mr. Punch._ "Why, Johnny, what's the matter?"

_Johnny._ "If you please, sir, there's a nasty ugly American been beating me."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SERVING HIM OUT

_Mrs. T._ (_to T._) "Feel a little more comfortable, dear? Can I get anything else for you? Would you like your cigar case now? (_Aside._) I'll teach him to go out to Greenwich and Richmond without me, and sit up half the night at his club!"]

TO A COUPLE OF THAMES NAIADS