The excellent women of Tuptonvee Knew SIR BARNABY BOO; One of them surely his bride would be, But d.i.c.kens a soul knew who.

Women of Tuptonvee, Here is a health to ye For a Baronet, dears, you would cut off your ears, Women of Tuptonvee!

Here are old MR. and MRS. DE PLOW (PETER his Christian name), They kept seven oxen, a pig, and a cow-- Farming it was their game.

Worthy old PETER DE PLOW, Here is a health to thou: Your race isn't run, though you're seventy-one, Worthy old PETER DE PLOW!

To excellent MR. and MRS. DE PLOW Came SIR BARNABY BOO, He asked for their daughter, and told 'em as how He was as rich as a Jew.

BARNABY BAMPTON'S wealth, Here is your jolly good health: I'd never repine if you came to be mine, BARNABY BAMPTON'S wealth!

"O great SIR BARNABY BAMPTON BOO"

(Said PLOW to that t.i.tled swell), "My missus has given me daughters two-- AMELIA and VOLATILE NELL!"

AMELIA and VOLATILE NELL, I hope you're uncommonly well: You two pretty pearls--you extremely nice girls-- AMELIA and VOLATILE NELL!

"AMELIA is pa.s.sable only, in face, But, oh! she's a worthy girl; Superior morals like hers would grace The home of a belted Earl."

Morality, heavenly link!

To you I'll eternally drink: I'm awfully fond of that heavenly bond, Morality, heavenly link!

"Now NELLY'S the prettier, p'raps, of my gals, But, oh! she's a wayward chit; She dresses herself in her showy fal-lals, And doesn't read TUPPER a bit!"

O TUPPER, philosopher true, How do you happen to do?

A publisher looks with respect on your books, For they DO sell, philosopher true!

The Bart. (I'll be hanged if I drink him again, Or care if he's ill or well), He sneered at the goodness of MILLY THE PLAIN, And cottoned to VOLATILE NELL!

O VOLATILE NELLY DE P.!

Be hanged if I'll empty to thee: I like worthy maids, not mere frivolous jades, VOLATILE NELLY DE P.!

They bolted, the Bart. and his frivolous dear, And MILLY was left to pout; For years they've got on very well, as I hear, But soon he will rue it, no doubt.

O excellent MILLY DE PLOW, I really can't drink to you now; My head isn't strong, and the song has been long, Excellent MILLY DE PLOW!

Ballad: The Modest Couple

When man and maiden meet, I like to see a drooping eye, I always droop my own--I am the shyest of the shy.

I'm also fond of bashfulness, and sitting down on thorns, For modesty's a quality that womankind adorns.

Whenever I am introduced to any pretty maid, My knees they knock together, just as if I were afraid; I flutter, and I stammer, and I turn a pleasing red, For to laugh, and flirt, and ogle I consider most ill-bred.

But still in all these matters, as in other things below, There is a proper medium, as I'm about to show.

I do not recommend a newly-married pair to try To carry on as PETER carried on with SARAH BLIGH.

Betrothed they were when very young--before they'd learnt to speak (For SARAH was but six days old, and PETER was a week); Though little more than babies at those early ages, yet They bashfully would faint when they occasionally met.

They blushed, and flushed, and fainted, till they reached the age of nine, When PETER'S good papa (he was a Baron of the Rhine) Determined to endeavour some sound argument to find To bring these shy young people to a proper frame of mind.

He told them that as SARAH was to be his PETER'S bride, They might at least consent to sit at table side by side; He begged that they would now and then shake hands, till he was hoa.r.s.e, Which SARAH thought indelicate, and PETER very coa.r.s.e.

And PETER in a tremble to the blushing maid would say, "You must excuse papa, MISS BLIGH,--it is his mountain way."

Says SARAH, "His behaviour I'll endeavour to forget, But your papa's the coa.r.s.est person that I ever met.

"He plighted us without our leave, when we were very young, Before we had begun articulating with the tongue.

His underbred suggestions fill your SARAH with alarm; Why, gracious me! he'll ask us next to walk out arm-in-arm!"

At length when SARAH reached the legal age of twenty-one, The Baron he determined to unite her to his son; And SARAH in a fainting-fit for weeks unconscious lay, And PETER blushed so hard you might have heard him miles away.

And when the time arrived for taking SARAH to his heart, They were married in two churches half-a-dozen miles apart (Intending to escape all public ridicule and chaff), And the service was conducted by electric telegraph.

And when it was concluded, and the priest had said his say, Until the time arrived when they were both to drive away, They never spoke or offered for to fondle or to fawn, For HE waited in the attic, and SHE waited on the lawn.

At length, when four o'clock arrived, and it was time to go, The carriage was announced, but decent SARAH answered "No!

Upon my word, I'd rather sleep my everlasting nap, Than go and ride alone with MR. PETER in a trap."

And PETER'S over-sensitive and highly-polished mind Wouldn't suffer him to sanction a proceeding of the kind; And further, he declared he suffered overwhelming shocks At the bare idea of having any coachman on the box.

So PETER into one turn-out incontinently rushed, While SARAH in a second trap sat modestly and blushed; And MR. NEWMAN'S coachman, on authority I've heard, Drove away in gallant style upon the coach-box of a third.

Now, though this modest couple in the matter of the car Were very likely carrying a principle too far, I hold their shy behaviour was more laudable in them Than that of PETER'S brother with MISS SARAH'S sister EM.

ALPHONSO, who in cool a.s.surance all creation licks, He up and said to EMMIE (who had impudence for six), "MISS EMILY, I love you--will you marry? Say the word!"

And EMILY said, "Certainly, ALPHONSO, like a bird!"

I do not recommend a newly-married pair to try To carry on as PETER carried on with SARAH BLIGH, But still their shy behaviour was more laudable in them Than that of PETER'S brother with MISS SARAH'S sister EM.

Ballad: The Martinet

Some time ago, in simple verse I sang the story true Of CAPTAIN REECE, the Mantelpiece, And all her happy crew.

I showed how any captain may Attach his men to him, If he but heeds their smallest needs, And studies every whim.

Now mark how, by Draconic rule And hauteur ill-advised, The n.o.blest crew upon the Blue May be demoralized.

When his ungrateful country placed Kind REECE upon half-pay, Without much claim SIR BERKELY came, And took command one day.

SIR BERKELY was a martinet-- A stern unyielding soul-- Who ruled his ship by dint of whip And horrible black-hole.

A sailor who was overcome From having freely dined, And chanced to reel when at the wheel, He instantly confined!

And tars who, when an action raged, Appeared alarmed or scared, And those below who wished to go, He very seldom spared.

E'en he who smote his officer For punishment was booked, And mutinies upon the seas He rarely overlooked.

In short, the happy Mantelpiece, Where all had gone so well, Beneath that fool SIR BERKELY'S rule Became a floating h.e.l.l.

When first SIR BERKELY came aboard He read a speech to all, And told them how he'd made a vow To act on duty's call.