"You told my mother?"

"Of course."

John paused. "Another drink, Ivan?"

As he looked for ice cubes in the kitchen's two deep freezes, John considered Ivan and Nylla. He heard them talking back inthe living room. They were now discussing carpeting: prices persquare yard, World Book Encyclopedia-style. "I want the good type,"said Ivan, "the kind that looks like pearl barley packed together.Really smooth."

"But if the wool's too smooth, it looks like Orion. It needscharacter. A bit of sheep dung mixed into it maybe."

"We're going to have Beverly Hills's first Hanta virus carpet?"

"Sheep don't get Hanta virus. Just rodents, I think. Andracc.o.o.ns."

John listened in and ached to have somebody to discuss rugsand racc.o.o.ns with. He felt intact but worthless, like a chocolaterabbit selling for 75 percent off the month after Easter. But itwent beyond that, too. He felt contaminated, that his bloodstream carried microscopic loneliness viruses, like minisculefish hooks, just waiting to inflect somebody dumb enough toattempt intimacy with him.

His mind wandered. There had to be hope-and there was.He remembered the woman in his hospital vision had madehim feel that somewhere on the alien Death Star of his heartlay a small, vulnerable entry point into which he could de-ploy a rocket, blow himself up and rebuild from the shards thatremained.

In the second freezer John found the ice cubes clumpedfrozen together inside a sky blue plastic bag. He opened up thebag and tried to pry a few cubes away from the lump. Day-dreaming, he wondered if he could ever be unselfconsciouslychatty and loose with someone. If Ivan=Nylla, then John=blank.Maybe his mother Doris's years of prayers had begun to inchtheir way onto G.o.d's "To Do" list: Dear Lord, please take care of the latePiers Wyatt Johnson, a king among men. .Also bless the pesticide industry, our boysin Vietnam, (still, even at the century's end) and please find a nice youngwife for John, preferably one who doesn't mind the smell of cigarette smoke, whichis so hard to find in California- He heard Krista and Cindy come downstairs and beginchatting with Ivan, then returned his attention to the ice. Helifted up the bag of fused ice cubes and dropped it, shattering itscontents into individual cubes.

The noise was fearsome, andIvan called from the living room asking if John was okay, and John called back, "Fine-couldn't be better," and it was easy totake as many cubes as he liked.

Chapter Seven.

Standing alone on the sidewalk, John watched the police car drive Susan away. He was as still as a statue as the sun wentdown behind the hill. Had he left a car at the restaurant? No,Nylla had dropped him off there. So he decided to walk the restof the way home. Home was temporary digs in Ivan's guest- house, the house he grew up in and in which his mother stilllived. John had been staying there since his return two monthsearlier from his disastrous experiment in hobodom.

He headed along Sunset Boulevard and was oblivious to thestares of pa.s.sing drivers, many of whom punctuated their cell phone calls with such comments as: * "Good Lord-it's John Johnson-walking-yes, that's right, with his feet-on Sunset!"

* "Yow, he looks like c.r.a.p-what were the numbers on Mega Force in the end?-yeee-that much?"

* "Maybe he's doing his walking thing again-I mean, he looks like a Mexican gonna sell you a bag of oranges at a streetlight for a dollar."

* "Yes, I'm absolutely sure it's him-he looks really thin, or should I say, not sort of bloated like he was before detox number 239.""Wasn't he in the hospital?-pneumonia? AIDS?-no, if it was, we'd all know."

* "Maybe he's gone and found G.o.d again. Whatta case."

Ivan spotted John from his Audi and pulled over just past the corner at Gretna Green. "John-O, what the f.u.c.k are you doing?Hop in."

"Ivan, what do you know about Susan Colgate?"

"Susan Colgate? TV-rock and roll. Get in the car and I'll tellyou. Jesus, you smell like the carpet in a Gold's Gym chang-ing room."

"I walked here from the Ivy."

"The Ivy? That's, like, a jeezly number of miles away."

"Ivan, what do you know about Susan Colgate?"

Ivan cut the car back into traffic. "Later. Later. Did you see theweekend numbers from France and Germany? Whoosh!"

"Ivan-" John was firm: "Susan Colgate."

"Everybody in town is going to think you've gone crazyagain. Walking. On Sunset, no less. s.h.i.t."

"I don't care, Ivan. Susan."

"What-you want to, uh, cast her in a movie?"

"Maybe."

"You're gonna make her a star?" They both laughed. Ivanpulled the Audi into his driveway, entered a code into his dashpanel, releasing the gate. They drove through, depositing the carby the front steps instead of the garage. They got out. Ivanstopped and grabbed John's arm before he walked down the hill to the guesthouse. "G.o.d, whatta gorgeous day, John-O. Look atthe light coming through that mimosa tree. It looks backlit, likeit's on Demerol."

Both men sat down on the front entryway's limestone paversand watched the late afternoon's solar aureoles around theplants and birds and insects of Ivan's garden."Where were you coming from just now?" John asked.

"Temple, temple, temple."

"Three times a week still?"

"Si." The sprinklers kicked in by a dahlia patch. Ivan said, "Soyou're in love, then, John-O? With Susan Colgate-ha!"

"I'm in...need. Desperate need."

"Where'd you meet?"

"The Ivy.Today."

"Lunch?Today?" He whistled. "That's a quick turnaround."

"A half-year ago in Cedars when I, you know-she'swho Isaw when I died."

Ivan's body locked upon hearing this. "Now, John-O-Ithought you were over that stuff."

"Over what, Ivan? I have no regrets, but what I did only tookme so far. But Susan-she's it. She's gotta be the one."

Ivan was both worried that John was relapsing back into his despondency of the months before, and slightly excited at theidea his friend might be making an emotional connection, something he'd never done before. "What do you know abouther, John-O?"

"That's what I've been asking you."

"I think her agent's Adam Norwitz. She was with Larry Mor-timer until a few years ago. An ugly split.

She stalked him. AndI don't think she's worked since the grunge era. Say, 1994. Aslasher flick? No, wait, it's some new one-Dynamite Bay? I'm glad for you, but I've gotta say up front, John-O, she's real C-list.She can't act her way out of a paper bag."

"Ivan, you ought to know not to slag somebody's loved oneto his face."

"Loved one?"

"Word games."

They heard Steps behind them-Nylla, holding a silent baby."Having our funzies out here on the front steps, are we, boys?"

"Hey, Nylla."

"John, h.e.l.lo. Will you be eating with us in the big house tonight?"

"Nah. Thanks. I'm having Metrecal and celery with Ma downat the house."

"Congratulations on the French numbers over the weekend.Ooh-lah-lah."

"We did okay over there?"

"John-O, I tried to tell you back when I picked you up atGretna Green. Hey Nylla, guess what--John-O's in love! Lovesy-dovesy. Susan Colgate."

"Susan Colgate!" said Nylla. "Oh John, that's so weird. Soexciting. I used to love her in that old show of hers, Meet theBlooms."

John's face confirmed the truth.

"Well, I must say," smiled Nylla, "nature works in mysteriousways to get us to propagate the species."

"They met at Ivy today at lunch." Ivan couldn't containhimself.

She's the woman I saw in my out of body experience when Iwas laid up in Cedars."

The smile muscles on Nylla's face changed like a tide, ebbingfrom real into phony. "Well then. Really now," she trailed off. Ivan, sitting behind John, shot her a worried glance. "Be true toyour heart.You two want to come in for a drink?"

"I'm in.You, John-O?"

"Nah. I'm going to go phone Adam Norwitz."

"Adam-" said Nylla. "Say h.e.l.lo for me. He represented mefor about six minutes a few years ago."

"Hey. I was talking to his agency today," said Ivan. "His num-ber's still in my cell's memory." He pulled out his cell phoneand punched some digits. Two seconds later he said, "Adam Norwitz, please. John Johnson calling." He handed the phone to John. "Here."

John gave Ivan the hairy eyebrow and took the phone."h.e.l.lo, Adam?"

Adam was on: "John Johnson. Good to meet you today. Howcan I help you? And Congrats again on Mega Force."

"Yeah, yeah, thanks. Hey, Adam, I need a home number fromyou. Susan's."

Adam hemmed and hawed as though his morals were in seri-ous conflict.

"Adam, don't give rne that discretion routine. I need Susan'sphone number."

"I'm not sure if I can . . ."

"It's personal, not business. Call and ask her if it's okay if you want. And I'll owe you a big favor."

"Of course I'll give you her number. But it's not"-he rustledsome papers into the phone's receiver-"right here right now.Give me five minutes, okay?"

"Five minutes or no deal."

They hung up. Adam immediately called Susan's line and gother machine, where he left a message: "Susan! Swimming withthe big fish now, are we? None other than your strolling com-panion John Johnson just phoned asking me for your number.He says it's personal. Hmmmmm. Well, just so you know, I'm go-ing to phone back right now and give it to him. A protocolbreach, but that's what I'm here for. And phone me, why don't you, and let me in on the buzz. I'm on cell all night. Bye."

Adam called back John and gave him Susan's number, whichJohn wrote on the back of one of Ivan's business cards. He hungup. Ivan and Nylla stared at him.

"Yes? "said John.

"Call her," said Nylla."What, with you guys here?"

"Yes, with us guys here."

John dialed and got Susan's answering machine. Hewhispered the words "answering machine" to Ivan and Nylla.And then he left a message: "Susan, it's John-Johnson. I hopeyou got home okay. Man, was it ever hot today and-oh jeez,I'm stuttering into your machine." He paused to gather histhoughts. "Well, you know what I feel like today? It's like this:the last little while I've been feeling as if-as if I've come backfrom a long trip away-and I've been continuing on with mylife again, but it's only today that I realized something wentmissing while I was gone. And I think it's you, and I want to seeyou again so badly I think I'm going blind. So call me." He left his number.

Nylla's eyes were beginning to tear. "Come inside and eatwith us," Nylla asked. "Please," she added.

The baby woke upand screamed. "I'll ask Doris, too."

And so John went inside to eat with Ivan and Nylla.

Half a year ago, just as John left the city and became adharma b.u.m, the couple had had a daughter, MacKenzie. Shewailed like a crack baby and had a cl.u.s.ter of medical firestormsthat had left Ivan and Nylla frazzled, but especially Nylla. Sleep-less nights and worries had made her a soccer mom, and Ivan was converting into a soccer dad. Their kitchen was a sham-bles and all the more pleasant for it. "Watch where you sit,"said Nylla. "I think Mac might have had a minor exorcism onthat seat."

"Help us choose a name for the next one," said Ivan.

"No!" said John. "Congratulations."

Nylla rolled her eyes. "I feel like somebody's science project."

Ivan said, "I like the name Chloris-what do you think ofChloris-if it's a girl?"

6O.

Before John could reply, Nylla asked, "Can Borgnine be a firstname if you want it to be one?"

"How about Tesh," suggested John. "It'd work for both."

"Merveilleux!" Nylla spoke French.

And so the two parents once again lapsed into banter andJohn pulled himself away ever so slightly. This is what Ivan wanted,thought John. This is a salve for him-his ability to lose himself in a family. And for Nylla, too. The year before, Ivan and Nyllahad been like best friends, but now they were absolutely hus- band and wife. They were content with themselves and with theplace their lives had landed. Their train had stopped and this iswhere they'd hopped off.

John wouldn't dare mention to them the depression he feltwhen Ivan had told him he was getting married. It was a fewyears ago, during the emotionally murky period after havingtwo films flop, and their industry currency had been much de-valued. To John, two flops meant a time to change and evolveand go forward-but Ivan had chickened out. He'd inventedhimself as much as he was ever going to. He was going to takethe Full Meal Deal and fade away and make medium-budgetteen movies that opened big the first weekend and then died of bad word-of-mouth. It was like a slap to John, who had wantedto go on and on, reinventing himself, and had continued to trydoing so.

John suspected that his recent crack-up was precipitated bybeing, if not abandoned by Ivan, then certainly relegated to sec-ond place. He felt selfish even thinking about it, and tried to put.i.t out of mind.

But John did want to reinvent himself, still. Even at thirty-seven, after his castastrophic f.u.c.kup.