"I'm sorry, but I still can't do it."

"That's okay," said John. "We're looking for Susan Colgate."

Randy didn't flinch. "And why would you be talking to meabout this?"

"You are Randy Montarelli?"

"I was."

"And you are Randy 'Hexum,' then, too?"

"Yes, but what is your point? It's a free country. I can change my name. So you guys know stuff about my past. I'm not scared or anything."

"We're not here to scare you," John said.

"Okay, but why are you a.s.suming I've got something to dowith Susan Colgate? Do you have any idea how random it is tohave you three show up on my doorstep like this? Asking about some washed-up soap actress? I can already feel my spirit enter-ing therapy as a result of this visit."

"So you're saying you don't know her," said John.

"I didn't say that."

"Do you know her?"

"We've met."

"And?"

"I used to work for Chris Thraice a few years ago when Icame to L.A. As far as I know, he and Susan are still friends, but I don't think they ever talked much." Randy added, "Hey, kids, Ihave an idea. I won't tell the cops that you were here if youdon't tell them you were here, either."

"Deal," said John.

Randy's face changed like still water brushed by a breeze."Wait . . ." He looked at John with a degree of calculation."Maybe there is something you need to know-something youshould have." John, Ryan and Vanessa exchanged Hardy Boyglances. "Hold on," he said, and headed down the hall, knocked a piece of luggage out of his way and entered a room. A minute later he returned with a sealed manila envelope and offered it toJohn. "I hope you're feeling better," he said to John.

"What was wrong with me?" John was taken back.

"Well," said Randy, "I recently heard that you were sufferingfrom Jeep's syndrome."

"Oh jeez," said John, "that's one of those b.l.o.o.d.y Internet ru-mors. Who starts those things?"

"What's Jeep's syndrome?" asked Ryan.

Vanessa said, "It's when an ingrown hair follicle above thea.n.u.s becomes infected, causing a ma.s.sive buildup of waste flu-ids, requiring a surgical excision and drainage. The most famous 2O4sufferer was English pop star Roddy Llewellyn, who once datedPrincess Margaret."

"Did we really need to know that?" John asked.

"Ryan did ask. And besides, I've heard the rumor, too. That'swhy I looked it up."

Randy handed John the envelope. "You should find this inter-esting." He closed the door.

A minute later they were back in the car. John was agitated,mad at himself for not having better strategized the encounter."s.h.i.t, that guy's bailing town somewhere and he's our onlyclue. He could have Susan in those suitcases for all I know. Ryan,open the envelope. What's in it?"

"It's a script: 'Scratch 'n' Win,' by Randy Hexum."

"s.h.i.t-a script." He slammed the steering wheel.

Vanessa said, "I have another clue," but at that exact momentRyan locked b.u.mpers with a car identical to John's own-samecolor, same year-and their car was hobbled onto the other like animals in heat.

"Oh wow," mumbled a surf brat loitering on thecorner with a friend, "two gay Chryslers f.u.c.king."

2O2.

Chapter Twenty-four.

One night back in 1986, Susan came within an eyelash of beingintroduced to John Johnson at a party Larry Mortimer hadthrown. Larry was eager to showcase Susan and to network herwith as many people as possible. Meet the Blooms was riding high,and of the eighties crop of "It Girls," Susan was the one mostcoveted by the networks.

For some reason there was a giraffe at the party. Susan heardsomebody ask why, and someone else replied it was to helpplug a disastrously overbudget chimp comedy that had tankedthat weekend on 1,420 screens across North America. Susanwas standing with people from Johnny Carson's production company. It was then that she noticed John speaking with thattoilet-mouthed lady from Disney-Alice?-something aboutan Oxford don and a punt-and Susan deemed John date-worthy, and that he would be even more so once he had afew years to...ripen. She was going to ask Larry for an in-troduction when a woman on her right said, "h.e.l.lo, SusanColgate."

Susan turned to the speaker who was, according to theframed photos on Larry's desk, Larry's wife, Jenna Mortimer,lovely, with hair like spun black gla.s.s, baby-doll features, dressedin a black chiffon evening dress that featured the linebacker 2O3shoulder pads of the era. This look, combined with a flash ofteeth, created an aggressive posture.

"h.e.l.lo-Jenna-Mrs. Mortimer. h.e.l.lo."

"It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Susan."

"Oh-nice for me, too. How did we ever get this far withoutbeing introduced? Shouldn't Larry have done this, like, an hourago at the very least?"

"Cuckoo, isn't it?" said Jenna. "Larry can be so forgetful.Such a business this is."

"Larry's always talking about you."

"I'm sure he is." She motioned toward a buffet table. "Haveyou had something to eat?" She was making it clear that she wasthe hostess. Susan was overeager to sound like an appreciativeguest and she blurted out a dumb lie: "Yes, I had some cheese."

"But I'm not serving any cheese."

Susan was fl.u.s.tered.

"Is your mother here?" asked Jenna, knowing full well thatSusan lived on Larry's Kelton Street property.

The truth was thatat that exact moment Marilyn was scouring the streets of Encinohoping to find Don's car, hoping to find Don inside a bar with a s.l.u.t, knowing there was a far greater likelihood of simply find- ing Don with a bottle, which was somehow worse.

"No. It's a lovely party. Really beautifully done." Susan feltmature using the words "beautifully done." It was the way shethought rich people spoke.

Jenna looked around. "It is, isn't it?"

"And the giraffe!"

"The giraffe just ate the neighbor's prize Empress Keiko per-simmon tree. There'll be h.e.l.l to pay tomorrow." She looked at Susan appraisingly. "Clear shoes and nude hose-trying to lengthen our legs tonight?"

"An old show dog trick. Miss USA Teen, 1985."

2O4.

"Miss Nevada, 1971."

"No!" Susan smiled. "What a racket, huh?" She found herselfbeginning to like Jenna.

"Oh yes. The c.r.a.p I spouted during those pageants," Jenna said.

"I always thought the good thing about being Miss Wyomingwas that I'd get to go last when they called out the states. You know, the letter W-and that I'd get to see the other girls' ramp-walking errors, and learn from them."

"Did you ever win Miss Congeniality?" asked Jenna.

"Me? Never. I should have won Miss Why Am I Here?"

" I always got Miss Congeniality."

"Did you?" Susan was curious.

"Those nuns. Catholic school. They nabbed me when I wasyoung."

"I didn't go to religious school. We're hillbillies in ourfamily."

"The thing about Catholic school is that they manage tomake you put a smile on absolutely anything."

"Yeah?"

"Everything."

Susan now understood where Jenna was working theconversation.

Larry saw the two women talking and bolted their way."Jenna! Susan! I've been waiting for the special moment to in-troduce you."

"No doubt you have," said Jenna.

"Larry," said Susan. "I didn't know that Jenna used to be ashow dog, too.

Jenna said, "It was actually me who put Larry onto you. Iread about you throwing your crown back in their faces. Iwanted to send you a box of roses and a trophy. I figured it'dtake a personality like a freight train to pull off a coup like that.'

"You ought to meet my mother, the locomotive."

Larry wanted to get the two women apart. "Susan," he said,"I want you to meet this producer named Colin. He's from En-gland, but he's still useful to us over here. Jenna, can I stealusan away from you?"

"I have a choice?"

Larry flashed teeth and escorted Susan toward the patiodoors. Susan called back, "Bye, Jenna-nice to meet you."

Larry moved her around a corner and said, "Christ."

Susan said, "Larry, I can't see you anymore." Her body beganto feel as though it were rising upward like a helium balloon.A string had been cut.

He wiped his forehead with a paper doily from a table ofmineral waters. "We'll talk about this tomorrow."

"Yeah, we will."

Larry stood still and appraised Susan's face. "You're young.It'll pa.s.s."

"But I don't want it to pa.s.s."

"It's called getting older. I'll send you the coverage on it."

"Ryan O'Neal's here," Susan said to change the conversation.

"I'll introduce you."

And so the evening went on. Susan drank German mineral water-Sprudel-something, with - a name like a pastry-andswished the water about inside her mouth, almost burning hertongue with bubbles-it tasted geological. She watched Larrysquirm and lie to the people around him who were squirmingand lying right back.

"Susan, this is Cher."

"h.e.l.lo."

"Susan, this is Valerie Bertinelli."

"Nice to meet you."

"Susan, this is Jack Klugman.""Great. Hi."

"Susan, this is Christopher Atkins."

"Hey.

"Susan, this is Lee Radziwill."

"Hi."

The party felt like it went on all night, when, like most filmindustry functions, it actually ended around nine. She couldn'thave known that the party was to be her high-water markwithin the entertainment world's social structure.

The morning after the giraffe party, a car from the produc-tion company picked Susan up at 6:30a.m.

She sat in the back seat, memorizing her lines for the day. She performed her role.She stood for publicity photos with her TV parents and siblings.She had a fight with Larry and dead-bolted him out of the Kel- ton Street apartment. Days pa.s.sed. Her strength pa.s.sed. She letLarry in. She disgusted herself. She'd built no other substantialfriendships during her TV blitzkrieg. It was either back to Larryor careen into outer s.p.a.ce, and she couldn't face that. Any dis-cussion of Jenna or divorce led to a brick wall which Susan ac-knowledged with the ever more edgy tag line, "Excuse me, Larry.Pope on line three."

Susan was never a particularly good actor, but at the start ofthe TV series, she did have a naturalness that stood out andlooked good against her actor-since-birth costars. But the natu-ralness began to wear thin and she became increasingly self-conscious about her body, her face, the words that came out ofher mouth and the overall effect she had on people. The scrutinywas a thousand times more intense than any pageant. Her en-counter with Jenna at die giraffe party opened some innersluice of her conscience, and her acting became abysmal almost overnight. She told Dreama: "It's like the part of my brain thatused to allow me to do an okay acting job got all warped. It's 2O7merging with the part of my brain that makes up lies. I can just fed it. I get a simple line like, 'Morn, I'm going to volleyball practice,' and it sounds forced, like it's filled with all this innu-endo. My retakes per episode are up like crazy. The networkthinks I have a drug problem. The cast thinks fame is wrecking my head. And the thing is, Larry knows it's all because of Jennaand keeping our big lie going, and it's kind of turning him off.And that's freaking me out and making it even worse."

Susan guested on Love Boat. She did a walk-on part in a JamesBond movie. She was on the cover of Seventeen magazine. Shehad her wisdom teeth removed and discovered the Land ofPainkillers. She mended the fence somewhat with Marilyn.Dreama also moved to Los Angeles and into Susan's apartment. s.e.x with Larry cooled considerably and, as Larry predicted, she grew older.