Barnaby Rudge: No worries. How long were you with your ex, then?

Fickle: Not long.

Barnaby Rudge: Right.

Fickle: It all ended pretty nastily, to be honest.

Barnaby Rudge: So you on the lookout for someone else?

Fickle: Sure am. And I've got my eye on someone already.

She put that damn winking sign up after that and yet again my heart fluttered at the sight of it. We chatted on for ages after that, flirting and generally teasing each other and, without even me realising it, I suddenly discovered I'd been chatting to Fickle for nearly two hours. Time flies when you're having fun, huh? I thought about everyone downstairs and, reluctantly, thought I'd better show my face to them again.

Barnaby Rudge: Gemma, I'd better go. I've been up in my room for ages.

Fickle: Do you really have to?

Barnaby Rudge: I should. The 'rents'll wonder what's happened to me.

Fickle: Get your 'rents up here on the computer! I'll tell 'em I've abducted you!

Barnaby Rudge: If it meant I didn't have to go downstairs and make small talk with my Aunty Julia, I'd say go for it!

Fickle: I'd happily abduct you, Immy. Whisk you away from it all!!! Anything has to be better than having to make polite conversation with a visiting relative!!

I looked at my watch again. Everything was urging me to stay talking to Fickle, but the polite and guilty girl inside me was telling me to go down and say hi to them.

Barnaby Rudge: Are you going to be here all afternoon?

Fickle: Probs. Shit all else to do.

Barnaby Rudge: I'll be half an hour. Will you wait?

Fickle: For you, Immy, forever!!

Was that sarcasm or flirting? I was darned if I knew, but what I did know was that the sooner I got myself downstairs and made a show of speaking to everyone, the sooner I could come back upstairs. Back to Fickle.

I logged off and wandered down to the lounge where Mum, Dad, and Aunty Julia were deep in conversation about the state of the health service or something, whilst Sophie was slumped on the sofa, furiously texting away on her mobile, totally oblivious to the chatter going on around her.

"All done?" Mum looked up at me and smiled as I perched on the edge of the sofa.

"Not quite," I replied, leaning over to grab a biscuit from a plate on the coffee table.

"Immy's got assignments up to her ears at the moment, haven't you?" Mum looked across to Aunty Julia then back at me.

"Mmm," I half grunted, reaching for another biscuit.

"What are you doing up there at the moment?" Aunty Julia smiled over at me, her eyebrows raised questioningly.

Of course, what I wanted to tell her was that I was up there talking to someone who I barely knew, but who I kinda wanted to get to know a whole lot better, and that because she, Aunty Julia, was visiting, I didn't feel like I could, and could she, Aunty Julia, please go home so that I didn't have to feel guilty about secreting myself away in my room talking to someone who I just happened to fancy the very arse off, thank you very much.

Instead I smiled back at Aunty Julia and said, "Oh just an essay on Vietnam and Sino-U.S. Rapprochement 196872." That seemed to stop her in her tracks. I was secretly pleased that I'd come back at her with such a stunning reply, and even more pleased that I'd actually remembered what work it was I was supposed to be doing, and it really did seem to work because Aunty Julia reached for another biscuit and simply said, "Well, if you have to get on, my love, don't let me stop you."

I immediately thought of Fickle waiting for me online and looked to Mum for confirmation, receiving it in the form of a nod and warm smile, which was enough for me to leave the room and take the stairs back up to my room, two at a time, heart thumping wildly in my chest, hoping that Fickle had kept her word and would still be there.

She was.

Barnaby Rudge: I'm back!

I leant back in my chair and grinned at the screen, waiting for Fickle to reply, watching and waiting for the flashing message to appear on screen, telling me she had written back. I waited for around five minutes, wondering where she'd gone, when suddenly I saw her name appear.

Fickle: There you are! I was just texting you!

Barnaby Rudge: You were? To say what?

Fickle: Just that I was waiting for you and I missed you!

Barnaby Rudge: I was only gone two minutes!

Fickle: Two minutes too long.

Barnaby Rudge: Blimey, you must be bored!

Fickle: Something like that. So how's your Aunty Julia? LOL.

Barnaby Rudge: Okay.

Fickle: Just okay?

Barnaby Rudge: Yeah. At least she didn't start quizzing me about my bloody love life again like she did over lunch!

Fickle: About boyfriends and shit? I hate that! Why do they all do that? My relatives are just the same. Drives me crazy.

Barnaby Rudge: They don't know you're gay?

Fickle: Nooooo! And that's the way I like it. It's no one else's business anyway.

Barnaby Rudge: And all the questions wouldn't be so bad if I was enthusiastic about my boyfriend, but, y'know!

Why did I write that? Why did I have to let Fickle know that? This wasn't Joey I was talking to now. Fickle would seize on it, I knew. And she did.

Fickle: You're not so hot on him, then? I do remember you saying something to me about him now, but it was a while ago, I think.

Barnaby Rudge: See? I told you I had! Yeah, I'm kinda lukewarm on him, I guess!

Fickle: Aaaaaand yet you're still going out with him?

Barnaby Rudge: Yeah, yeah I know.

Fickle: You shouldn't be with him if you're not hot on him, Immy! Life's too short. Get out there and have fun!

Barnaby Rudge: That's what someone else told me today as well!

I knew they were both right, of course, both Fickle and Joey. But it's not easy dumping someone, is it? I knew darn well I had to finish with Matt, but every time I thought about ringing him, my blood ran cold. I'd even thought about texting him, but that would just be too cruel.

I might be totally pickled with confusion, and as miserable as sin, but I'm not that much of a bitch.

Chapter Eight.

I eventually finished talking to Fickle around nine that night, missing dinner with my parents with the excuse that I wanted to get my assignment finished and printed before the next day. Aunty Julia had long gone by then, allowing me to indulge in stupid but wonderful Fickle chatter, totally uninterrupted. Brilliant.

Twiggy had logged on shortly after six, so I'd had the pleasure of her company for a few hours too, something I was grateful for, having not spoken to her in what seemed like ages. Despite my obsession with Fickle, I was still extremely fond of Twiggy, with her silly jokes and funny ways. After all, I reasoned, if it hadn't have been for Twiggy first contacting me on the board and introducing me to the wonderful world of MSN, I might never have hung around long enough to ever meet Fickle. For that alone, I was incredibly grateful.

I'd wanted to talk to Twiggy about Fickle too that night, but something had held me back; mainly worry that her reaction might not be what I'd wanted. After I'd finally logged off, reluctantly leaving Fickle, who kept telling me she'd miss me, I returned downstairs to sit with Mum and Dad in front of the TV for a bit. But every time I tried to concentrate on the TV programme they were watching, my brain just kept turning things over and over, replaying my conversations with Fickle, and distracting me so much that eventually even Mum noticed that I seemed preoccupied.

"You worried about that assignment you've been working on?" Mum picked up a magazine and started flicking through it. "You're away with your thoughts tonight, Immy."

I stretched my legs out in front of me. "Mmm?" I said, "Nah, it's just, I'm just, uh, just thinking about what I've got coming up next week, that's all."

"You're not worried about any of it, are you?" Mum patted my outstretched leg.

I smiled.

"No, not worried."

Mum lowered her voice as Dad continued staring at the programme on the TV. "You've been awful quiet lately."

"Have I?" I shrugged. "I don't mean to be."

"Everything all right with Matt?"

"Fine, yeah." I nodded, probably more enthusiastically than was required.

"And you'd tell me if there was anything, wouldn't you?"

"No." I laughed, then, "Yes, of course. There's nothing, honest."

What could I say to Mum? That I was thinking about dumping my doting boyfriend because I was having feelings for a girl I'd only just met on the Internet? Yeah, that'd go down well!

I sure as hell couldn't tell her that I thought I might be gay. Now that definitely wouldn't go down well! I'll be honest here and say that gayness is not the kind of subject that my family regularly talk about around the dining table of an evening. Of course, I've thought about hardly anything but gayness over the last few weeks, and I've often thought that Mum would be okay with it. Not Dad.

I'd hate to use the word homophobic to describe Dad, but it doesn't sit comfortably with him, Dad being the sort who would get up and leave the room if there's something remotely gay on the TV, rather than actually having to watch it.

But that's his problem, not mine or anyone else's. Right?

It didn't make the thought of broaching the subject with them any easier, though. I sat and stared into space, ignoring the TV programme, and tried to figure out the best thing to do. The one thing I did know for sure was that if I was to sort out the confusion in my head, then I needed to finish with Matt, however horrible it was going to be. I needed to be prepared for the questions that would follow too, questions from Mum and Dad, as well as Emily and Beth, both of whom would think I was totally mad.

I sighed, earning another sideways glance from Mum. Finishing with Matt was going to be the hardest thing I'd probably ever have to do, but I knew it needed to be done, both for his sake and mine. How could I be sure what it was I wanted, or what it was I thought I might be? I needed to be 100 percent sure I was gay, and the only way to find that out was to try and get to know Fickle better. I couldn't do that while I was still seeing Matt. I needed to be true to myself, right? Maybe I was seeing Fickle as a way out of my dead-end relationship with Matt, or maybe I was just fascinated by her and was reading her friendliness as flirting. One thing was for sure, though. Unless I cranked it up a gear and found out for myself, I'd never know.

I looked at my watch; it was a little after ten p.m. Suddenly needing to talk to someone, I made my excuses and wandered back up to my room, firing up the computer, hoping that either Twiggy or Joey might be around, hoping even more that they wouldn't mind lending me an ear for an hour or so. To my relief I saw that Joey was online, chatting to someone on the message board about the previous week's episode of Lovers and Sinners. I grinned. A dose of Joey was just what I needed.

Barnaby Rudge: Hey Joe!

Joey: Hey, chick! How's tricks?

Barnaby Rudge: Not bad, not bad. You?

Joey: Yeah, cool. I was just telling SpyderWoman that next week's L&S is on Thursday, not Wednesday.

Barnaby Rudge: Ah right. Thanks, I didn't know.

Joey: No probs. Do you know, SpyderWoman's real name is Cynthia. I mean, who's called Cynthia anymore??

Barnaby Rudge: She sure doesn't talk like a Cynthia. LMAO!!

Joey: I'm really Joanna, btw. Now can you see why I prefer Joey? LOL Barnaby Rudge: Uh, yeah I can, Joe! Sorry!

Joey: What's your name?

Barnaby Rudge: Imogen-Immy.

Joey: My neighbour's got a guinea pig called Immy.

Barnaby Rudge: Is that your useless fact for the day?

Joey: Cheeky bugger! Anyway, how're you? You having a good day?

Barnaby Rudge: Yeah, apart from having to entertain my Aunty Julia. She came over for lunch today.

Joey: Eek! Whatchoo do to entertain her? Balance a ball on your nose? Give her your paw?

Barnaby Rudge: Funny! Nah, just had to bat away questions about my love life.

Joey: Shudder! Been there, done that. I sympathise!

A pause ensued.

Joey: So how are things going with Fickle? You come onto her yet?!

Barnaby Rudge: No!! I've never come onto anyone in my life! Wouldn't know what to do, Joe.